Dealing with his ex...

[bhsunny21]

I have been seeing someone for about 4 months now and it began shortly after his girlfriend broke up with him. We were friends first and then became more within time. He has been very apprehensive about getting serious with me, even though he wants to, because he is afraid of moving too fast and making the same mistakes with me that he did with his ex. I have been understanding, for the most part, and we have been happy.

 

That is, until he started talking about reconnecting with his ex. He told me that he just wanted to email her and let her know that he was doing well and to see if she was okay. He said he felt confident enough with me that he could make the contact and get closure from the past. I thought it was a good idea, having been through a similar situation in the past.

 

Now that they have talked, he feels better and I am happy for him. That is until I found out that they have been meeting out on a regular basis and just having fun. I feel threatened by this and jealous. I feel that our relationship is too new to accept his ex. I have never been the jealous type, but this really upsets me. He swears that they are just friends and that he does not want to be with her anymore. I asked him why he wouldn't introduce me to her if they were just friends. He didn't have an answer.

 

I don't know what to do with the situation. I don't want to add drama to our fairly new relationship over something I cannot control, but I can't live with the wonder that he will gain his interests in her yet again. Please help!

[quankanne]

Most of us are like that -- we want that closure before chugging full steam ahead in a relationship, so the fact that he's contacted her isn't all that unusual. However, if he's being secretive about meeting her, or doesn't want the two of you to meet, chances are, he's not looking for closure with his ex, but possibly looking for a way to sustain the relationship they once had.

 

Are you two open to the point where you can share your feelings honestly? If so, tell him how it makes you feel. Find out exactly how he sees you -- as his girlfriend, as a friend, as buddy, etc. And that if he sees you as his girlfriend, then his loyalties should be to you, not split between you and her. Maybe that conversation will help him put things in to better perspective, that chasing the past isn't always what it appears to be.

[Angel]

He's meeting with his ex! If it walks like a duck... don't fool yourself. Respect yourself. If this bothers you, and you let him know, and if he doesn't stop this "fun" connection, move on. This is b s to the highest degree. DON'T KID YOURSELF. Good luck.

[velvet]

Does she know about you? That was probably the reason why he didn't offer an explanation on meeting you.

 

I don't see any other reason for him to keep in contact with her unless of course there is more involved. Children? What can you think of that would possibly keep them going to each other if not for more intimacy.

 

You have to tell him your going to stop seeing him altogether if he cant give a reasonable explanation as to why they keep meeting. You should tell him that your not blind and you don't wont to stand in the way of true love! Something along the lines of that should get him to open up to you with the complete truth.

 

Its more than stink. Its pretty obvious its not over between them.

[bhsunny21]

Thanks for the help with this one. I ended up talking to him later on in the evening about the situation. He did not understand why I was so upset. He says that he doesn't have many close friends and apparently the two were friends before they dated. He thought that he was ready to be just her friend again.

 

I understood where he was coming from, but in the conversation realized that perhaps things were not going in the direction that I was wanting. We decided to back off a bit so that we can regain the trust, reduce the jealousy, etc. It was an emotional conversation, but ended on a good note.

 

I am hoping that one day we will be able to be together without feeling the pressure of either being too serious or not serious enough. I have not ever been in a relationship like this one where it was so undefined and confusing. We were not seeing anyone else, but we weren't exclusive. I have been a "professional" dater, so to speak, for the past couple of years and have not gotten close to anyone until now. Perhaps because of this I was a little hasty to judge his relationship with his ex.

[velvet]

Nope, there more than friends. Once they were a couple and than one day they decided to take a break. Permenant or not so permenant. They just didnt realize how much fun it could be to get together, get to know each other all over again. Than the next thing you know all the attraction builds up more and more until they cant help themselves any longer.

 

I've been going through it for two years with my "friend". When were apart the "thing" is always there. Than we end up together again to once again break the r/s off. Its too hard just to stay as friends.

 

He must stop seeing her all together. Otherwise you, him or the other girl wont be able to move foward. Your going to be stuck in this situation unitl he lets one of you go. It's up to you if you want to try and stick it out awhile longer while you exhaust yourself trying to prove to him that your the one. Or instead of trying to stay by his side showing him how you feel, observe him, talk to him, find out exactly how he feels without kidding yourself.

 

No I dont believe their is only f/s btw them. I think their feelings have grown for each other since the first time they let go. Sort of like my situation. The more were apart the better it is when get back together....Its just as exhausting as it sounds. I feel pretty down tonight. We decided last week to stop seeing each other again.