Want your love back? Read this..

[jmargel]

It often seems like I post alot of the same advice in multiple threads and over the course of 2 1/2 years I've noticed what has worked and what has not worked.

 

Now granted this is not 100%, but what it will do is give you the final answers you are seeking. The closure you need if it is over, or the chance to heal things between you and your SO to move on forward together.

 

What I often find on here when a person's spouse is cheating or mistreating them, there is usually never any consequence being given. Sure you may yell, be-little or swear at them but they have come to learn to expect this routine and it's just a matter of letting in one ear and out the other. Often the cheated spouse will tolerate this behavior thus almost encouraging it for it to happen more. They then come on here wondering why nothing has been changing even though they are yelling at their spouse til they are blue in the face.

 

I have often used this phrase and it holds very, very true.

 

Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

 

Quite simply if what you are doing is not working then why continue to try that approach? You know the answer that you will get, and you know you are just wasting your time. In the mean time the situation is getting worse.

 

A wise man learns from other's mistakes, a fool learns from his own. Read the messages on here and read about the failures. Then, quite simply don't follow that same path.

 

When reading someone's situation on here I go and basically use two different paths, with one unique addition onto both.

 

If the spouse is having an affair/disrespecting you, not showing love or care, and/or playing head games: You must have them face consequences and follow through with it. Often this is a sign that your spouse is mentally/emotionally immature. You are not just dealing with the situation at hand but you are also dealing with thier inability to make decisions for the best interest of both of you. They are with the attitude of 'me first' and will often lay blanket statements or place blame on justifying their behavior towards you. If you do not make them face consequences, use tough love and tolerate this, things will continue to get worse very, very fast.

 

They honestly belief what they are doing is right. They can't grasp the concept or to understand what they are doing is destroying what they have with you (at this time). Or, they just don't care right now because they are fulfilling a need and really don't care how it's being fulfilled. They often act like a child with this 'selfish' attitude. The roles in the relationsip have turned into Parent-Child, where you have become the Parent, doing all the detective work while the child goes and runs away, having fun at your expense.

 

--] Parent

 

--] Adult

 

--] Child

 

This child needs to mature to an adult, so you can take the notch down from parent to adult. Only when both people are at the 'Adult' stage will this relationship have a true chance to work. Though each situation is unique the underlying factor is that the 'child' has to 'want' to grow up. However by you tolerating and continuing to let them behave this way there is no incentive for them to want to change.

 

This is where tough love comes into play. Though this might go against all your instincts this is something that *must* be done (in my opinion). Giving them the chance of either stopping all contact with the OM/OW and going to individual/marriage counseling or the relationship is over. Either write them a letter expressing this, or *calmly* tell them. Don't be mean, controlling or vindictive about it. State that your feelings have been very hurt and the trust factor needs to be fixed. When you state how you have been hurt, use the words 'I feel', just don't go out attacking them. Because as a child they will resort back to blanket statements. When they talk, use the words 'I understand', it's very important that both parties feel that their sides are being heard and most importantly understood.

 

If things get heated the best thing to do is to say 'I refuse to talk about this anymore until you calm down. We will talk about this later'. Right then you are making grounds, and setting rules on how this conversation is going to go. That you are not going to be drawn into their way of things. That you are setting things up to have this resolved one way or another.

 

If the spouse is not cheating and just wants time alone: Give it to them. Think of it as a gift you are giving them. Often the spouse has heard from you 'I will change, things will be different, etc..' However things really don't change. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Don't give the ultimatium of couseling or the end of the relationship. Trust them, they have not betrayted your trust. And by them just wanting time alone does not mean there is someone else. Don't let your imaginiation get the best of you and make the situation worse. When they talk to you, it's imperative that you listen to them. Don't interupt while they are talking and though you may feel disappointed in what they are saying about you, bite your tongue and say 'I understand'. Those words are so important, because it allows them to be not so defensive and will generally allow them to open up more.

 

Often when we hear disappointing things about ourselves we give reasons for them not to try to feel that way. That will often make the other person feel like they are not being understood and that things will never change. That is why for at least this time being that you just bite your tongue and say 'I understand'. You can present your case when you two get into counseling. Your goal right now is to get them into counseling.

 

If the other person is depressed the reasons for wanting space might not even be because of you. And often that person will realize this. Usually someone depressed will go after the closest person to them emotionally. Remember your goal is to get them into counseling, not win any sort of agruments.

 

In this scenario I would recommend that you tell them you are going to counseling and would like them to join. That you love him/her and you will be there when they are ready to talk. After saying this, just let them be. Give them the chance to think things through. If you hound them, it will just make your words not have any meaning. Remember you must follow through with the actions that you speak about, in either both scenarios.

 

The main concept in both cases is for them to feel like they are being understood and to follow through with the actions. It's really not what you say, but often how you say it, is the more important thing. You need to get to the *root* of the problem, otherwise this weed will keep growing back. Though each situation is unique and requires it's own speciail solution, often in my opinion these actions that I talked about will hopefully get you onto the right track to resolve your issues.

 

I may add more in the future as well. If you want more of my opinion please click on the link in my signature.

 

[ilmw]

Jmargel... very good post...

[chadnickole]

I printing this off and keeping it with me also

 

Thanks

[Gunny376]

Good post Jmragel

 

I was going to post more, but it was turning into a rough draft/ rant for a post-doctoral thesis, so I decided to just say:

 

Good post!

[Guest]

i totally agree. i have mentioned before that what is important is how u handle the rough times and do so with respect. i have done some things that are pretty disgusting and wrong and i have told her about them and have no problem with going to counselling with her as well.

 

i have and doing the work regarding the 'roots' to my issues and i believe she is doing the same. we are both tough and firm people but also understanding and caring and we no what is acceptable and what is not. that is the foundation of a great and healthy life - we are both lucky and fotrunate - not many people have this.

[Guest]

What if the WS has had six one night stands plus one EA and they've been in MC three different times? What consequences are effective in that case?

 

It often seems like I post alot of the same advice in multiple threads and over the course of 2 1/2 years I've noticed what has worked and what has not worked.

 

Now granted this is not 100%, but what it will do is give you the final answers you are seeking. The closure you need if it is over, or the chance to heal things between you and your SO to move on forward together.

 

What I often find on here when a person's spouse is cheating or mistreating them, there is usually never any consequence being given. Sure you may yell, be-little or swear at them but they have come to learn to expect this routine and it's just a matter of letting in one ear and out the other. Often the cheated spouse will tolerate this behavior thus almost encouraging it for it to happen more. They then come on here wondering why nothing has been changing even though they are yelling at their spouse til they are blue in the face.

 

I have often used this phrase and it holds very, very true.

 

Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

 

Quite simply if what you are doing is not working then why continue to try that approach? You know the answer that you will get, and you know you are just wasting your time. In the mean time the situation is getting worse.

 

A wise man learns from other's mistakes, a fool learns from his own. Read the messages on here and read about the failures. Then, quite simply don't follow that same path.

 

When reading someone's situation on here I go and basically use two different paths, with one unique addition onto both.

 

If the spouse is having an affair/disrespecting you, not showing love or care, and/or playing head games: You must have them face consequences and follow through with it. Often this is a sign that your spouse is mentally/emotionally immature. You are not just dealing with the situation at hand but you are also dealing with thier inability to make decisions for the best interest of both of you. They are with the attitude of 'me first' and will often lay blanket statements or place blame on justifying their behavior towards you. If you do not make them face consequences, use tough love and tolerate this, things will continue to get worse very, very fast.

 

They honestly belief what they are doing is right. They can't grasp the concept or to understand what they are doing is destroying what they have with you (at this time). Or, they just don't care right now because they are fulfilling a need and really don't care how it's being fulfilled. They often act like a child with this 'selfish' attitude. The roles in the relationsip have turned into Parent-Child, where you have become the Parent, doing all the detective work while the child goes and runs away, having fun at your expense.

 

--] Parent

 

--] Adult

 

--] Child

 

This child needs to mature to an adult, so you can take the notch down from parent to adult. Only when both people are at the 'Adult' stage will this relationship have a true chance to work. Though each situation is unique the underlying factor is that the 'child' has to 'want' to grow up. However by you tolerating and continuing to let them behave this way there is no incentive for them to want to change.

 

This is where tough love comes into play. Though this might go against all your instincts this is something that *must* be done (in my opinion). Giving them the chance of either stopping all contact with the OM/OW and going to individual/marriage counseling or the relationship is over. Either write them a letter expressing this, or *calmly* tell them. Don't be mean, controlling or vindictive about it. State that your feelings have been very hurt and the trust factor needs to be fixed. When you state how you have been hurt, use the words 'I feel', just don't go out attacking them. Because as a child they will resort back to blanket statements. When they talk, use the words 'I understand', it's very important that both parties feel that their sides are being heard and most importantly understood.

 

If things get heated the best thing to do is to say 'I refuse to talk about this anymore until you calm down. We will talk about this later'. Right then you are making grounds, and setting rules on how this conversation is going to go. That you are not going to be drawn into their way of things. That you are setting things up to have this resolved one way or another.

 

If the spouse is not cheating and just wants time alone: Give it to them. Think of it as a gift you are giving them. Often the spouse has heard from you 'I will change, things will be different, etc..' However things really don't change. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Don't give the ultimatium of couseling or the end of the relationship. Trust them, they have not betrayted your trust. And by them just wanting time alone does not mean there is someone else. Don't let your imaginiation get the best of you and make the situation worse. When they talk to you, it's imperative that you listen to them. Don't interupt while they are talking and though you may feel disappointed in what they are saying about you, bite your tongue and say 'I understand'. Those words are so important, because it allows them to be not so defensive and will generally allow them to open up more.

 

Often when we hear disappointing things about ourselves we give reasons for them not to try to feel that way. That will often make the other person feel like they are not being understood and that things will never change. That is why for at least this time being that you just bite your tongue and say 'I understand'. You can present your case when you two get into counseling. Your goal right now is to get them into counseling.

 

If the other person is depressed the reasons for wanting space might not even be because of you. And often that person will realize this. Usually someone depressed will go after the closest person to them emotionally. Remember your goal is to get them into counseling, not win any sort of agruments.

 

In this scenario I would recommend that you tell them you are going to counseling and would like them to join. That you love him/her and you will be there when they are ready to talk. After saying this, just let them be. Give them the chance to think things through. If you hound them, it will just make your words not have any meaning. Remember you must follow through with the actions that you speak about, in either both scenarios.

 

The main concept in both cases is for them to feel like they are being understood and to follow through with the actions. It's really not what you say, but often how you say it, is the more important thing. You need to get to the *root* of the problem, otherwise this weed will keep growing back. Though each situation is unique and requires it's own speciail solution, often in my opinion these actions that I talked about will hopefully get you onto the right track to resolve your issues.

 

I may add more in the future as well. If you want more of my opinion please click on the link in my signature.