My In-Laws are not "likable" people

[cdqt]

My husband and I are separated and are trying to work things out. We got separated in early November and have spent Thanksgiving apart and we may even spend Christmas apart.

 

My husband is very dependent on his family. He is the baby and his sisters (he has 3) and mother spoil him even though he's 40. They are supposed to be very "religious" and "christianly", yet whenever they are together they talk about the middle sister's husband, kids, the oldest brother's fat girlfriend who broke the chair when she sat in it and make fun of her whenever she's around. They have unruly, rude children because they are all spoiled. Up until this past year would only send birthday cards to my husband and his daughter but never any for myself or my son.

 

The first time I met my husband's oldest sister was at a lunch get together, and she talked and made eye contact with my husband the entire time. She never spoke to me or asked me anything about myself.

 

My husband now lives in his oldest sister's basement and says that with the separation, his family is "staying out of it". That means that as the holidays are approaching, not a Christmas card was sent to me or my son. Am I wrong for thinking that at the very least they can send a Christmas card? Before, when my husband and I were together, we would get Christmas cards from them.

 

I keep telling my husband that they are my in-laws, but I don't have to like them. They are not likable people. But he is adamant that it is important for me to try to get along with them, when it never felt as if they tried to include, welcome or make me feel comfortable.

 

We live in a small state and they live 2 towns over, but they would rarely come to visit us we would always have to go to them. At this point, if my husband and I were to reconcile, I would not want anything to do with any of his family.

 

There are some other things that make me not like his family, but I am not going to include them here.

[quankanne]

he is adamant that it is important for me to try to get along with them, when it never felt as if they tried to include, welcome or make me feel comfortable.

 

how you feel about someone doesn't preclude good manners, but it seems like you're the only one in the picture who gets this. Maybe it's best just to kill them with kindness when you're stuck seeing them or being around them, and consider that your whole relationship with them. Because until he gets it into his thick head that relationships need to have give and take from both parties, he basically remains a big dummy about his family. If he squawks, ask if he's giving the same edict to his family, that they need to try harder with you and your child if they truly love him.

[My Fair Katie]

I don't like my ILs much either. More so than that, I cannot stand my husband when my ILs are visiting. He gets tunnel vision and only their happiness is important. I get yelled at for the stupidest things and he won't see the effort I am making.

 

My therapist says he's pretty much sabotaging the relationship in order to get the approval his parents won't give him. So I get to be the bad guy. My normally loving, kind, compassionate husband becomes a complete TURD when his parents visit.

 

The last visit, I reached my breaking point. No, they won't be staying in my house again, and it's my husband that blew it for them. He can visit THEM next time, I won't be treated like sh*t in my own house thank you.

 

Anyway, after the last visit my therapist said the most important thing in a marriage is to act as a united front and never fight in front of other people. So that's what we're working on now, making sure we both put ourselves and our marriage FIRST.

 

I've mentioned a book here before called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. She also wrote Toxic Inlaws. I've never read it myself, but it could be worth checking for at your library.

 

Good luck. As far as the card thing goes, I really don't think your son is missing out much from what you've described.

[blind_otter]

Well a man is supposed to leave his family and cleave to his wife and his children. So The fact that your H cannot do this doesn't bode well for the relationship.