Irrational jealousy

[Guest]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and I really love him. He's my first boyfriend but he's a fair bit older than me and has had a lot of girlfriends. I know I'm his second longest girlfriend and he has told me that he can see us one day getting married, but I've always felt some jealousy over his relationships before me and the last couple of months its gotten really bad. I keep imagining him having sex with them, especially the last one.

 

He left her a year before he started dating me cos she cheated on him. He doesnt like her anymore and they arnt in contact so I dont know why I'm fixated on her. She's foreign and now anytime I hear anything to do with the country shes from, even the name, I immediately think of her and hate it- which makes me feel like I'm becoming stupidly racist. He's never had a one night stand but cared for all the girls, but I dont even mind that, I just hate thats he's had so much sex! I know there are things he's done with others that he hasnt with me and I hate the idea of him having better, more passionate sex with them, or comparing me or thinking about it.

 

I feel like I just want to erase his memories of them! I have told him and he understands- he's had enough experience not to feel jealousy over exes now but when he first started dating he said he was very jealous. But I still dont know how to get these images out of my head. I trust him with other women, I know he wouldnt cheat on me, but I hate these women even though I've never met them. Please help!!!

[BlueEyedSarah]

He is with you now, he does not stay in contact with he's ex's, he enjoys being with you. It really sounds like he loves you, he understand your feelings and listens to you. Please try not to worry about he's past, its nothing he can change, whats done is done, you are now in the presant, don't let your emotions or these jealous feelings take over you or your relationship, that will just ruin things between the both of you. You just need to accept its in the past now, what he has done is over with and he is now happy with you. You are just as good as he's ex girlfriends, infact you are better because if they were as good as you make them out to beleive then he would still be with them. He mentions to you that he sees a marriage with you...so that shows your worth everything to him . Don't dwell on he's past, because thats what it is, the past!

[norajane]

Short of a lobotomy, you can't erase his memories.

 

But you can replace them in his heart and mind - and it sounds like you already have!!!

 

Just enjoy what you have, focus on how good you make each other feel - YOU are the woman in his life. Don't let your retroactive jealousy destroy the goodness.

[Walk]

This might not help your situation, but it helped me... I'm not sure how to explain it... I'll give an example.

 

My bf dated his ex for 2 years. That's the longest he'd ever dated a girl, and he bought a house for them to live in together, which he had never done before, etc. He told me when we first started hangign out that he still loved his ex, he just couldn't stay with her because of their differences. He initiated the break up. Anyway... She showed up at his house while I was there one day. For some reason my bf was gone that day. She looked so... heart broken. So sad. She didn't know about me. And she realized when I opened the door that I was more serious to him then just a "friend". I felt bad for her. I don't know how to describe it, but from that point on I didn't feel jealous or angry toward her. It was a realization that she wasn't an evil, disembodied stranger who stole something of mine... she was a real human with feelings and dreams that got shattered. If she got to share a small bit of happiness with my bf before I met him, then I'm happy for her. I'm glad she kept him safe and happy until I found him.

 

I don't know... maybe it's a weird way to look at my SO's past relationships... but I would rather he had loved and experienced happiness in his past, rather than wish that he'd been alone and unhappy for decades before meeting me.

[orangehose]

Walk,

I find it interesting that your boyfriend told you that he still loved his ex when you first started dating. My (now ex) boyfriend did the same thing a few months into dating me. He said that this ex was the love of his life, etc, and perhaps since I had never dated anyone, it REALLY upset me... I felt that he shouldn't be dating someone else if he still had feelings for the former person. I also felt insulted that after a few months of dating me, he wasn't glad to be with me and was still pining for a lost love.

 

Did it bother you when he said that? I guess I shouldn't feel guilty for my own reaction in a similar situation, but we feel what we feel...

[stillafool]

I think you should get professional help. In my experience it isn't the ex girlfriends you have to worry about (because he's already had them) it's new women who bring something new and fresh to their lives you have to worry about. Your guy seems very nice and shouldn't be held responsible for relationships and sex he's had in his past. It's not his fault you are less experienced than he. If you want to have mad, passionate sex with him better than his ex, then do it! Sometimes chemistry between two people can make the sex more intense and maybe that's what he had with his ex. I have to say that if you don't get your jealousy under control it will eventually cause major problems in your relationship and you may lose a great guy.

[Guest]

I think you should get professional help. In my experience it isn't the ex girlfriends you have to worry about (because he's already had them) it's new women who bring something new and fresh to their lives you have to worry about. Your guy seems very nice and shouldn't be held responsible for relationships and sex he's had in his past. It's not his fault you are less experienced than he. If you want to have mad, passionate sex with him better than his ex, then do it! Sometimes chemistry between two people can make the sex more intense and maybe that's what he had with his ex. I have to say that if you don't get your jealousy under control it will eventually cause major problems in your relationship and you may lose a great guy.

 

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT SOMEONE I WOULD KNOW, MALE OR FEMALE, THAT HAS HAD LESSSSS SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS THAN I HAVE. THE WOMAN I DATED FOR 4 YEARS HAD 'DONE' MORE 'THINGS SEXUALLY' THAN I HAVE EVER DONE - AND WHEN I WAS 16 THAT WOULD HAVE BUGGED THE HELL OUT OF ME. BUT WITH HER IT WAS LIKE SOMETHING I CAN'T EXPLAIN, SORT OF LIKE, I COULD ASK HER, HAD U DONE "THIS" AND IF SHE SAID "YES" I REPLIED "GEEE [bLUSHING] I HAVEN'T" AND SHE WOULD SAY "THEN WE WILL HAVE TO TRY THAT SOMETIME" - NEVER MADE ME FEEL GOOFY - I THINK THAT WHAT STARTED ME GETTING 'GREEDY' - MORE PLEASE! LOL.

AS FOR ME EVER 'BEING WITH' A PREVIOUS EX - NEVER HAVE, PROBABLY NEVER WILL. SO, IF ANYONE EVER SAID THE WERE JEALOUS OF MY PAST SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS - THEY ARE ON CRACK MAN. BUT SERIOUSLY, I WOULD WANT THEM TO TELL ME SO I COULD REASSURE THAT THEY ARE THE ONLY ONE - SOMEONE KNEW THAT WITHOUT QUESTION

[Guest]

I think you should get professional help. In my experience it isn't the ex girlfriends you have to worry about (because he's already had them) it's new women who bring something new and fresh to their lives you have to worry about. Your guy seems very nice and shouldn't be held responsible for relationships and sex he's had in his past. It's not his fault you are less experienced than he. If you want to have mad, passionate sex with him better than his ex, then do it! Sometimes chemistry between two people can make the sex more intense and maybe that's what he had with his ex. I have to say that if you don't get your jealousy under control it will eventually cause major problems in your relationship and you may lose a great guy.

 

JEBUS! I SWEAR ON A STACK OF COSMO MAGS THAT I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCE ANYTHING MORE....OH HUSH U - THAT'S PRIVATE - LOL

[garvis]

I know what it's like to have those reoccurring images in your head. It's not fun. It's the thoughts you have that create the images and the feelings. In my case, those images come alive in my mind as if they are happening now. Then I feel like I'm loosing my wife and/or she really doesn't love me, which even lessens my lowly self esteem. It's a vicious circle. But I know all those thoughts are untrue.

 

I feeling better now. I'm in counseling, taking anti depressants, reading and working on controlling my thoughts. If you can control the thoughts, the images and feelings will cannot come about.

 

That's just how I see the issue for myself. I hope you can identify what the source of the thoughts are for yourself. It's then that you can start controlling it.

 

I wish you luck and happiness.

[pennyjosix]

My boyfriend has only been with one girl other than me, and I really don't like her. We've had encounters. Anyways, I have those same images of them having sex in my head sometimes. I've even had nightmares about catching them in the act. I know he'd never do that to me, but I can't help it when those thoughts and images invade my brain. It's taking a serious toll on our relationship because it just makes me angry at him for having had sex with her because it's now affecting me. But with that said, I'm just being selfish. How was he to know he'd be with me one day? I know I don't make every decision based on what's going to happen in a couple of years. You have just got to fight that mental fight. If the thought comes in your head force yourself not to dwell on it. Start singing a song or watching tv or ANYTHING to occupy your mind with something else.