Love vs.Career -Moving to Greece 4 a guy

[globalgreek]

I met my boyfriend 8 months ago while I was visiting some of my extended family in Greece for the summer. We fell madly in love the first week we met and since then I've traveled back to Greece 3 other times over the past few months to see him and spent several thousand dollars on phone bills talking every day. This man is absolutely wonderful and I completely adore him. During my last trip there he told me he wants to marry me and start a family. The only way for our relationship to work is if I move over there. Its too much to write to get into the details of this, but theres no way he can possibly come here. So this is our only choice if we want to be together.I knew from the beginning pretty much that this would be the case and I accepted it and agreed to it.

 

Now its mid Dec. and I'm supposed to get on a plane to move over there in 3 1/2 weeks and I'm completely freaking out. I'm starting to realize how much I'm giving up by leaving the US. Not seeing my family very much. Leaving all my friends. And the biggest thing, giving up all the luxuries that we have in the US. Lets face it, moving to Greece from the US is almost like going to the stone ages.

I love this man very much now. I cant imagine my life without him. But yet, I dont really think I can spend the rest of my life in Greece. Ive spent every summer there growing up, so Im very familiar with the country. And I do even have some family there. But theres no room for opportunity for a woman over there. I'd basically only be a housewife. My career would be over completely. (I work in the film industry here in LA and I love what I do) I do want to have children and a husband, but I also want to have a life too. He doesnt get that. Over there men have the philosophy that the womans place is in the home raising the kids and cooking. I dont even mind that so much, its just that I want the other also. Even all of this I was willing to accept until yesterday. After 8 1/2 years of living and working in LA, Ive been offered a dream job with HBO with starting pay well into the 6 figures. This job will give me complete financial freedom to do whatever I want and its a job I would love doing. But Im 33, in love and want to get married and start a family very much too. I'm torn. And now I feel forced to choose between love and a career. Either way I have to give one up. I'm afraid I'll make the the wrong decision. All my family and friends have biased opinions cause they dont want to see me go. And I know I love him, but will I love Greece. I like it for vacations, but people are very rude there and its not like the US at all.

 

Torn.. Anyone ever been in a situation like this??

[tikigods]

Personally I wouldn't move. Its only been 8 months and honestly you ahven't spent that much time together to really warrent a move on a scale this large. Plus it sounds like you aren't very happy or excited about the idea of being a housewife and what you are going to be leaving behind here, which is a lot if you ask me.

"

[norajane]

Ask yourself if he would give up his family, his friends, his country, hot showers in a real shower, and a six figure job that he would love to do...for you.

 

Ask yourself how you will feel if you give up your life here and start a family in Greece...and have a daughter. Will you be happy knowing that she won't have the kind of opportunity that you gave up?

 

If you were really all about this guy, I think, you wouldn't be asking yourself these questions.

 

And next time you're involved in a LDR, both of you need to download Skype. It's free, and you can talk through your computer for no charge.

[melodymatters]

I'm sorry, this is a tough one ! Recently I had to decide between a "country boy" and "my life". he wouldn't leave his families property in the middle of nowhere, and I couldn't envision giving up the rest of my life just to be with him. I do not regret my decsion though things are a little tough now, I have faith in myself. Also, I didn;t have NEARLY the good opportunity you currently have when I walked away, just knew that I never would get a good opportunity there.

 

I also agree with the poster above who said it wasn't long enough and you haven't spent enough day to day time with the man to know for sure if "he," or this " love" is worth it.

 

If you werent happy in LA, with the lifestyle ( i used to live there and be in the ent biz) then I would say screw it, have an adventure, follow your heart, but you sound content AND growing professionally.

 

I would try and keep the relationship but I would NOT chuck everything to be a greek ( or any kind off) housewife !

 

 

Good luck !

[RecordProducer]

Don't move to Greece! You'll wilt and drown in the mentality there. You will feel imprisoned and love will soon become misery and nothing but misery. At the beginning everything will be cool and a few months later you'll start sinking deeper and deeper.

 

If you choose to go, PLEASE don't have children until you're absolutely sure you want to stay, at least wait for a year. Or you'll have a child and take him/her to the US with you.

 

In any case, my prediction is that you will be disappointed and sooner or later you'll come back to the US. There's no way for you to stay in Greece and be a houseiwfe after having a career in the film biz in LA. You're 33, you stopped growing up long time ago. You're a formed personality with well defined, sharp edges. Plus you don't even know this guy well.

 

If you go, buy a two-way ticket!

[Starr1]

I've had a few friends who have moved to England and USA to be with their partners, all three of them lasted half a year at the most before breaking up and moving back to Australia.

 

Their major reasons were the lack of social and family support they had over there, they had trouble adapting to the new environment and that their partner slowly changed in attitude.

 

As RecordProducer said, I guess it could feel like a cage after a while and I guess you would have to learn the Greek language as well.

[Love Hurts]

Your intuition is speaking out………….don’t do it.

You will wreck your life and take years off your youth through stress, grief, burdens and heartache.

[Poboy]

dont do it ... as said earlier , 8 months is too less to know if he is the one or not. and even your friends & family is saying no not because they are biased but in the end , they do love you and want the best ...

[globalgreek]

Thank you everyone for all of your insight. I really do appreciate it. I've been so sick to my stomach over this. Sometimes its difficult to see things with a clear head when your heart is involved. I know the right thing to do is to stay here and take the job. But its going to be very difficult because there are a lot of feelings involved. I tried speaking to him about it a little last night and he blew up at me. He told me I only care about myself and that really stung hard. Epecially considering Ive been planning to uproot my whole life to be with him, and that I've flown to Greece so many times this year. Im still hurt by that comment. Maybe I deserve it. When I said "why would I be uprooting my whole life to be with you if I only cared about myself", he came back with "well its a good experience for you". I cant believe it! Theres 2 jabs and a knockout for him. I'm 33, have a good career and would never give all that up for just an "experience". I'm not an idiot. I've been to Greece tons of times and already experienced it. I was only willing to give it all up if I found the right person. I'm so hurt by that.

The thing is, I havent told him that I'm not coming, I just wanted to try and talk with him and see if we could work something out. Kind of feel him out. But he really made me feel bad about it, and the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him. We hung up the phone and I just feel miserable now. I guess this all as good of a reason as any to end things. I didnt do it on the phone because I dont believe in making decisions when Im upset. And even still, the thought of losing him stinks.

I keep having these visions about getting married and having a family with him and my biggest fear is to take the job and always wonder about him and what my life would have been like. Is that so wrong? Yes, I know there are plenty of fish, but what if I never meet one again? I'm not getting any younger and at my age the dating pool is very slim. My gosh, how lame I must sound. Gag!

[tikigods]

Sounds to me that he is being the selfish one. On the flip side, won't you always wonder what would have happened if you had stayed back here? It sounds to me that this is more of a "I might miss my chance to have a marriage!" more then I really want to go there and be with him. I think that staying will be the best choice for you, and I think that he is being a huge jerk about this already and if he is willing to hurt you this much right now what aobut when you get there and all you really have is him?

[BlueEyedSarah]

I met my boyfriend 8 months ago

To be honest I think this is a very short time to be in love and moving to their country after such a short time. I'm not suprised your feelings in what you have said in your post. It is a very short time, and for a long distance relationship its a big step after such a short time to be going to live ect. I think you are doing is rushing.

I beleive for a long distance relationship you both need to take small casual steps for it to fully work out, you don't want to rush into anything otherwise it will come crashing down.

Also moving to another country, no wonder you have doubts, Greece is so much more diffrent from the USA. Rules, language?, culture.

Even though you love this guy like you say I think you need to really sit back and wonder if he is the one for you, since you are having these doubts it shows your not ready to be giving up on so much.

There may even be another guy, even in your own country who may be 'the one' but you havn't looked around for that guy because for these past 8 months you have been involed in a long distance love.

He says you are selfish because he is hurt by reconsidering of being with him, he is upset of losing you.

I think its time to think of what YOU really want, but love on hold, be in a more longer relationship with him first maybe and see what you feel is best.

[BlueEyedSarah]

I've had a few friends who have moved to England and USA to be with their partners, all three of them lasted half a year at the most before breaking up and moving back to Australia.

Well...it is England...I can understand .

[RecordProducer]

I know the right thing to do is to stay here and take the job.

Then do it.

 

He told me I only care about myself and that really stung hard

This is the first sign that shows how selfish he is and how he would treat you once you marry him and live on HIS territory. If he can be rude like this before you even arrived there, you can imagine how he would be after you delivered two kids to him and depend on him in every way and are far from your family.

 

I moved from the Balkans to the United States 11 months ago. My husband's family has rosen against me and I have to deal with them and fight for my position. Now, I came from a country where many people are ass holes so I know how to deal with them. I came out as a winner, because I've dealt with such people before and I know when to be sneaky, when to be a hypocrite, when to take advantage of their weakness, when to strike directly, and when to withdraw.

 

But you have grown up here, in a shell, among civilized and kind people, and you're going there straight in their mouths. And while you will try to show everyone how sweet and nice you, they will try to show you that you're nobody and your place is in the corner (this is what happened with my in-laws). And you're not prepared to deal with these people, because you've never seen it before.

 

My in-laws underestimated my strength, they thought I was a naive girl from south-eastern Europe who came here with two suitcases and two children and they will show me where my place is - in the street, as if my husband picked me up from the street. Well I showed them that they can kiss my ass and that things will be the way I want them to be, whether they like it or not. And I am yet to show them who I am when the right moment comes.

 

But I have a 30-year mileage in a jungle and I can handle wild animals. You, my dear, have no clue what works with this type of people and how to deal with them. They will eat you alive. Your husband already started imposing his authority over you. You wonder what possibly his family and friends might have against you. I'll tell you what: they don't want an emancipated woman to rule their son/brother/friend. They want a stone-age woman that will listen to him and obey.

 

And you won't listen to him. You will want to be treated as equal. So they will try to break you and put you in the "right" place. And his friends will not like you to be a model for THEIR wives and teach them the "wrong" behavior.

 

When you move away from your country and family, you're vulnerable. And people take advantage of that and use it against you. Because your presence bothers them. In my case, they want my husband's money for themselves, not for me and my kids; in your case your independent spirit and western mentality would be poking their eyes out.

 

I'm 33, have a good career and would never give all that up for just an "experience". I'm not an idiot.

You ARE an idiot! (hope you understand the gentle note of my criticism ). Can't you see that he KNOWS you don't belong there and that this is just a temporary, trial experiment in his mind? If it works - good, if it doesn't work - still good. That's how he thinks. You're supposed to abandon everything with the thought that you're building a family, while he is just gaining a new experience while losing nothing. Tell HIM to come to the US and gain a new experience at his own account.

 

If he were a smart and good man, he would have told you: "Darling, I understand how much you're sacrificing for our love and I will never forget that. I will try to be a good husband to you and justify your sacrifices. We love each other and will make this relationship work."

 

Experience! Did he ask you if you WANT that experince? No. He just decided that you SHOULD experience marriage with him and know what it is so you can cross it on your must-do-this year check list.

 

 

I havent told him that I'm not coming

Now that he thinks you're coming, he feels strong and allows himself to be arrogant. But once you take his cards away from his hands, he will try to bullsh*t you and spill a bunch of fake promises. Don't fall for that trick! If you're determined NOT to go, I suggest you write him an email stating what you've decided, your reasons, and suggest that HE should come if he loves you so much (which is unthinkable for him cuz HE is the man, you're the woman); then don't pick up the phone. If he really loves you, he will come to the US for you. By showing how determined you are about NOT coming, you will make him realize that either he has to come or he will lose you forever. If, on the other hand, you give him the chance to talk to you and persuade you, you will be fooled and blinded by his promises in no time and you'll make a mistake.

 

the thought of losing him stinks

Living with him in Greece will stink even more.

I keep having these visions about getting married and having a family with him and my biggest fear is to take the job and always wonder about him and what my life would have been like. Is that so wrong? Yes, I know there are plenty of fish, but what if I never meet one again? I'm not getting any younger and at my age the dating pool is very slim. My gosh, how lame I must sound. Gag!

You're basing your decisions on af antasy that you've made up yourself. You don't know him very well, you idealize him. And going to his territory doesn't make things look bright either. If he loves you, he should come over here. This is a better country. If it's not better for him, it means the mentality there suits him very well. But it doesn't suit you.

 

I ran away from the Balkans, because I couldn't fit in. And you want to go there and jump from the 21st century to the 19th.

[daphne]

global,

 

Please heed Record's advice. She's said everything I would have said and more. Right now, you're a little blinded by a fantasy of how you think life would be and how you think your boyfriend is. He has already overreacted when you voiced your concerns on a major issue. This is just teh beginning. You're going to see how he really is if you move over there. And the longer it takes to see how he is, the longer it'll take to get your self esteem back when he takes it.

 

I'm a big fan of love and moving for the one you want, but under reasonable conditions. I had a girlfriend who moved to Iraq (many moons ago) for her husband and she was miserable. She gained over 100 pounds, lost her self esteem as her husband treated her like dirt, and ultimately he left her for another woman. She has never recovered. The men in certain countries have an entirely different view of women. If you haven't seen it in your boyfriend yet, you will soon enough.

 

I'm around your age and I know you're wondering what your chances are of finding another man but that's not a good reason to go. I strongly believe that you will be miserable there after a while and you're probably pretty happy here, even if you are lonely.

 

At one point I was going to move back to Paris for my ex boyfriend. We were going to get married. I moved back to the States to finish my degree and I started to get cold feet. I loved Paris but it was a really hard life over there. Cold, uber expensive, and extremely hard to make a living without very good connections. Without money, you live like a pauper in France. Ultimately, I asked my ex if he'd consider moving here and he did, only to New York. We broke up because it was obvious that he wasn't willing to move to be with me. He still thought i was supposed to go to him. Do you really want that?

[westernxer]

Film and television work is not stable... you can move to Greece when HBO fires you.

[Okeydokey]

Under no circumstances should you move to Greece. ABSOLUTELY NOT. 5 years ago I FELL IN LOVE with a guy from ANOTHER COUNTRY. He also felt that he could not move here (um lets see language difficulties and felt like he would have to start over career wise - different education system and all) and did a lot of guilting stuff to make me feel like if I didn't move there it would be just terrible. In the 3 years we were together he came to visit me once. I went at least 3-4 times to visit (he did not have enough money to travel because was not earning as well as me). So, I finally moved over there - I lived there for three and a half years. It was not a good scene. It was his city, his friends, his family, his apartment, his furniture, get it? I was lonely and when things were not going well I felt like there was no one there I could really count on. I mean I did have some friends of my own and some family and my own job - but that is not the same as having your peeps to count on for support when needed. Plus, it gives your SO a lot of power over you - so if he has any tendencies to manipulate at all those will become fruitful and multiply in the situation. Also, it is a complete drain on the relationship if one partner is entirely dependent on the other for emotional support and for sociability.

 

Believe me! I moved back two and a half years ago to go to law school - I'm glad that I had my adventure, but if I were to do it over again I wish I had not wasted those years and that money on a fantasy.

 

Unless he is in prison, he can move here, especially if you are about to be making in the six figures. He can do the stay at home dad thing - you don't have to. If he is really as into this relationship as you are he would at least consider it.

 

By the way, you might want to check out http://www.mundofon.com (click on the button that says English on the right). 6 cents a minute to call a landline in Athens. You input your number and his number two seconds later the phone rings and you can chat. No need to pay thousands.

[Guest]

"It was not a good scene. It was his city, his friends, his family, his apartment, his furniture, get it?"

 

i know EXACTLY how u feel because i was there 2. i went thru the same things only from the view of how do i balance all of this and i wish we had never did that - we should have went straight to a different house - because that place already had bad memories attached to it and that was one of the reasons i fell as hard as i did - everything was felt with double strength and i be perfectly honest - there was a look in yer eyes that will haunt me forever - it that look of confusion and hurt and lost promise that says 'why is this happening? why are u doing this to us all?' and i swear to god if i was not such a strong man i could have died just from that look because your eyes have always reached deep inside of me. i really tried the best that i could, i hope u know that.

 

"I was lonely and when things were not going well I felt like there was no one there I could really count on. I mean I did have some friends of my own and some family and my own job - but that is not the same as having your peeps to count on for support when needed."

 

i know because u gave alot of that up to be with me. i can't wait until i am out of that house, that';s why i am never there. i can't sleep in the house that has the sorrow of yer eyes everywhere.

 

"Plus, it gives your SO a lot of power over you - so if he has any tendencies to manipulate at all those will become fruitful and multiply in the situation."

 

i need to work as hard as i can so u never see me as someone that would manipulate u.

 

"Also, it is a complete drain on the relationship if one partner is entirely dependent on the other for emotional support and for sociability."

 

i remember us discussing the tonka and how it was a risk - and i never once thought it would be norman bates hotel for us. i say lets torch the sucker and run off with the insurance money

[Okeydokey]

Guest - I'm sorry you had this experience too - it is just such a hard one - no matter how much the two people care for each other the cards are stacked against the relationship simply bc the circumstances are so imbalanced... I didn't get the reference to tonka or the norman bates hotel... sorry.

[Okeydokey]

oh and guest, just because I was "intrigued" by your creepy post the other day and the other member's response to it doesn't mean that I'm going to fall for some B.S. so please leave me alone and don't respond to my posts anymore.

[Guest]

Hi there Ive been readeing your posts here. I know you dont know me from a hole in the wall but. I do have some advice for you about this situation you find your self in. I myself have been and am in one be carefull. As a result of my tossing everything to the wind and moveing a great distance for love. I am currently in what I will call a less then perfect liveing situation in a forin country.

 

Witch for complacated reasons I canot leave just yet. I also had met what I thought was a great guy. Left the usa to be with him and now have major regrets. You sound like a intelegent women with a shineing future ahead of you. This guy your talkeing about dosent seam to have much respect for women any ways. Do you realy want to become just a house wife?? Ive been there and done that and after a while its mind nummbing belive me. The days drag on and eventualy run into each other. As you waist your life away. Getting more and more depressed and feeling more and more cut off. From the life you once enjoyed back in the states! PLEASE!! dont throw your life away in this manner.

 

But eather way you decide to go I do wish you best of luck. Also one last thought soon as you are there liveing with him. You are on his home land not yours. And belive me he will let you know that if you guys ever have a disagreement!! You will be the stranger in a strange land and belive me its a verry cold feeling..Again just be carefull with this situation.

[sb129]

Global- I agree with everyone else.

I live in the UK but am from NZ and I broke up with my last BF because I miss home far far too much, and our cultural differences whilst subtle, would have become a major problem. I was very resentful of the fact that my ex BF could never leave the UK. I now am with a man from my own country and we plan to move back there next year. i can't tell you how great it is.

 

Also, you should know that europe is a GREAT summer holiday destination, but to live there under the iron rule of your BFs family would tarnish the glow pretty quick.

 

A schoolfriend of mine married an italian woman, has a child with her, and lives with her and her family in an italian village. Her family won't allow him to have any hands on parenting and the are involved in EVERY aspect of their lives. it drives him crazy, it causes fights between him and his wife, he has none of his family nearby for support. But if he leaves, he will have to leave his daughter behind. he is very unhappy.

Do you really want to go into a situation like that?

 

If you really DO want kids and have the money, you don't necessarily need a man to do it!!

 

PS... your man doesn't sound very supportive. how come he hasn't been to the US to see you?

[RecordProducer]

It was his city, his friends, his family, his apartment, his furniture, get it? I was lonely and when things were not going well I felt like there was no one there I could really count on. I mean I did have some friends of my own and some family and my own job - but that is not the same as having your peeps to count on for support when needed. Plus, it gives your SO a lot of power over you - so if he has any tendencies to manipulate at all those will become fruitful and multiply in the situation. Also, it is a complete drain on the relationship if one partner is entirely dependent on the other for emotional support and for sociability.

This is the best thing I've heard in this thread - my BS was not so right on the money.

This is exactly how I feel and I happen to LOVE the United Staes and my husband. I love the country, but I don't love my situation of a newby here and all that this quote explains.

When I was moving here, my mom told me: "I don't like it that he has all his family around him and you're going to be alone in a snakes' nest!" I told her she was wrong, but... she wasn't.

[magichands]

Film and television work is not stable... you can move to Greece when HBO fires you.

Great advice. Except I think you forgot that the iPhone won't work there.

 

Tough, tough one. I think you're missing one little thing, though... he can move - just like you can (regardless of your insistence that it's not possible). Maybe it's even possible to entertain the fantasy life of splitting your lives (together) between these two places.

 

You are really starting to challenge the idea that love isn't everything. That's quite annoying, really.

[RecordProducer]

Tough, tough one. I think you're missing one little thing, though... he can move - just like you can (regardless of your insistence that it's not possible).

It is impossible - because he doesn't want to.

 

Maybe it's even possible to entertain the fantasy life of splitting your lives (together) between these two places.

Yes, she can live in Cali and he can live in Greece.

 

You are really starting to challenge the idea that love isn't everything. That's quite annoying, really.

It is annoying, isn't it? I think the love is not so strong since none of them is ready for any sacrifices. If she moves there, she will feel like poo, if he moves here, he will fell like poo. There is no love in a poo business.

[globalgreek]

Thank you everyone for all of your posts. It really made me think about a lot of things. This has all been quite difficult for me. Why is it that even though when we know the right thing to do, our hearts sometimes just cant let go? Its a huge problem I have right now.

 

Well, after my first post, I kind of sat on things for about a week. I wanted to see how things were with him and really listen to the things he said and how he treated me. But over this time he's become more distant. I made a decision to postpone my plans for Greece and accept the job. I know this sounds bad, but I was actually willing to give it up if he had put forth some initiative in the relationship. I know..BAD! Believe me, I'm rereading this and I know I sound like such a fool. Maybe I was looking for some sort of miracle. (I must watch too much WE channel) I decided to hold off until after the holidays to tell him I was postponing the trip. When I finally did (and no, I didnt mention the job to him) he got really angry. We got in a huge argument and he hung up on me. And turned his phone off. I didnt hear from him for a week. In that time I started the job and its hell. I'm hoping it will get better, but right now its kicking my butt and I realize I'll never have a social life working here. And of course every thought is going thru my head now. When he called me after a week he didnt say a word about us not speaking. He asked what the deal was with us and our phones had such a bad connection we couldnt even have the conversation. I asked him to call me right back so we could hear eachother and he didnt. And then I never heard from him again. Every time I called he never picked up.

So I sent a text message just saying I wanted to talk to him, and the exact reply i got back was "This relationship is over with us. We dont match. Goodbye".

 

Yes, I know this is probably the right thing. And I know taking the job was the right choice. And I can definitely hear everything you all said.

But I cant help but feel completely heartbroken. I did everything I could for the guy. I went over there to see him so many times. I sent him so many little packages in the mail just to show him I cared. I was about to uproot my life for him. And he dumps me in a text message! I guess his intention was to just blow me off. Im just so hurt by that.

 

So its over now. Just wish I could feel better about it than I do.