Letting go of resentment when the resented behavior continues?

[km]

I'm in a sometimes good, sometimes okay, sometimes bad, sometimes REALLY BAD relationship.

 

I haven't yet decided that I can leave. I really really want to try to improve MYSELF (my behavior, my bad reactions, my self-esteem) so that 1) I can know that it's not me who is the problem, as he clearly wants me to believe, and 2) I can see if improving me will inspire HIM to improve. If neither of those happens, then maybe I'll know I have to leave.

 

One of my "bad reactions" to the times that are REALLY BAD, is resentment. It comes out in shutting down, pulling away, withdrawing (all of which sound like I"m trying to elicit a response from him, but it's really just because I'm TIRED and I'm not sure what my reaction will be if I don't withdraw). Internally, I just hate his guts, sometimes. I've experienced 21 years of him doing some really bad things. We have lulls, where it appears that maybe the bad things have stopped -- but then they'll rear their ugly head(s) again totally out of the blue, and all the history of bad times comes rushing back at me.

 

So my question (finally!) is this: is it possible to let go of resentment when what you resent is still being inflicted upon you? People say that letting go of resentment is a conscious choice -- but do you think it's possible to make that choice when you're still faced with the 'object' of your resentment? Everything I read about "letting go" says "forget the past." What if it's your present that's adding to the resentment? Can you "let go" of the present?

[Guest]

can u explain what resentment u mean? maybe i can help with that?

 

the only resentment i have i turn into motivation - i remove the negative attachment and plow thru the rough stuff to get to what i had all along.

[norajane]

The only way you can let go of the past is for it to BE in the past. If it's still happening, it's not over and done with.

 

As an example, you can forgive someone for past lies. But if they're still lying to you, then that's not something you can let go of. That's when you have to resolve it somehow, decide you can live with it, or leave.

 

If you decide to live with it, then you have to basically agree that you're going to accept his behavior without developing resentment. If you can't do that, then you really can't live with it.

[garvis]

If you decide to live with it, then you have to basically agree that you're going to accept his behavior without developing resentment. If you can't do that, then you really can't live with it.

 

 

I agree with this statement.

 

I'll also add that, in my opinion, withdrawing and not communicating your resentment will not help with getting things better. But since you mentioned being with this person 21 years, I would assume that you've discussed it at some time before. I know it gets tiring to think about and deal with recurring issues. But if you're at the point where you are considering leaving, it might be beneficial to REALLY get things out and tackle the issue head on. It might change things, it might not. What happens from that point may help you decide what to do.

[Girlygirl74]

Also...you can't be vague. Don't expect him to just "know" what you need/want. Men like us to be VERY literal with them in telling them what we expect. Don't nag, bitch, etc...but talk like adults. Calmly.

 

If that doesn't work, then you need to do what's best for YOU. This is your life. You only get one, so you'd better make the best of it. Do you want this to be what your life is 5,10,20 years from now?? I doubt very seriously you want to look back and regret all the time you've wasted being miserable and depressed. Living like this will eventually drive you crazy.

 

Do you have any kind of support system if you left? Family, friends?

[JackJack]

The only way you can let go of the past is for it to BE in the past. If it's still happening, it's not over and done with.

 

As an example, you can forgive someone for past lies. But if they're still lying to you, then that's not something you can let go of. That's when you have to resolve it somehow, decide you can live with it, or leave.

 

If you decide to live with it, then you have to basically agree that you're going to accept his behavior without developing resentment. If you can't do that, then you really can't live with it.

 

 

BINGO! Spot on.

[km]

Thanks to all of you for the input. You've given me at least a couple of things to think about, and I will.