kfcsmith Posted July 19, 2002 Share Posted July 19, 2002 I am desperately in need of help. The man I love asked me to marry him over a year ago. Our wedding is set for next may, but over the past year we have encountered some problems which have led to us thinking about breaking up a couple of times. Now is again one of those times. Each time we decided to stay together, but it was always a quick fix. Each time he told me that he wasn't sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I became overwhelmingly upset, so he's since been afraid that I'd react badly to his concerns about us as a couple. This time was different, I was completely open to all of his concerns, he said that he cares deeply for me, he loves me and that he could easily spend his life with me, but he isn't sure if he could do it happily. I moved across the country for him. We've been together for over 3 years. I so badly want to win his love again, and this time for good. My behavior each previous time was that I'd be so helpful to our relationship for a few weeks, then I'd go back to my usual selfish behavior until the next bump in the road, then the process would repeat itself. I've acknowledged this to him, and told him that I'd sensed trouble and had started a behavior "makeover" as I can't find another word for it. He seemed hesitant about this, as he doesn't want me to change who I am. I told him that I'm not changing who I am, only how I respond to the things life throws at me. He slept in the living room for two days. He said that he isn't sure he wants to go through this cycle again, he said he doesn't want to waste his time feeling like we'll work, and then shutting down his feelings when I start my old habits again. I am in a life change for the better, I am more in touch with myself than I ever have been. I want him to know that I am so completely committed to helping us work again, but he just isn't sure. He said that he hasn't made any plans to ask me to leave in the near future, but I am so much dreading that he will. I need your help. Can anyone relate to this or give me any advice? I love him so much and can't imagine life without him. Please help me! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 19, 2002 Share Posted July 19, 2002 When your love for him becomes great enough that you will gladly let him go when he expresses that he is not sure he wants to be with you for a lifetime, you will be ready to be married to him...but not a second before. Actually, not marrying someone who is not 100 percent into marrying you would be a rationally selfish and commendable act. Cancel your engagement for now and go back to that when all doubts are removed from his mind as to your place in his life. Most people don't trust behavioural modifications as being permanent. I'm glad you're in a life change for the better but you've got to work very, very hard in turning around selfishness...which reaches into the core of a person. That's a tough one to pull off. If you find this man is not your ideal match...if you can't muster up enough love to see that having to make such dramatic changes in yourself for the sake of being with somebody is NOT the way it's supposed to happen...then I can promise you that there are many men out there with whom you could be ideally suited. Givers long to find others they can give to and grant wishes to because it gives them great joy. You can find one of them if your present situation doesn't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
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