Husband wants emotional attachment to OW

[annee]

I am desperate and need some serious advice more than ever. My H wants me to accept and understand his emotional attachment to another woman. I am finding it very difficult and all i can feel is anger.

We have one huge problem with our marriage i.e he lives 6000 miles away. We have talked about living together but he complains about money all the time and visits every three months. He made friends with a woman last year and has gradually gotten very close. This woman wants to sleep with him but he tells me he said no. I DONT BELIEVE HIM. He still sees her a lot and has gotten attached to her. He tells her every time we argue and she has adviced him to get emotionally distant from me. I tell him she is coming between us but he says he likes her and i have to deal with it.

 

Its so difficult for me i cant cope right now. everytime he touches me i feel violated. I told him i was going to have an emotional affair too and he would have to deal with it. I know its not the right thing to do but right now i feel like i cant cope. I am too scared to show any emotion with him incase it is relayed to this faceless but threatening woman. I have a male friend who i vent to but he seems to be falling in love with me and keeps insulting my husband. I stopped seeing him cos i am too scared it will end up in an affair.

 

As a way of coping i have turned into a workaholic. I would work till my body gives up then i just go to sleep. H says i dont care about him anymore. Maybe i dont but he doesnt seem to care about me. He is being horribly selfish and i dont know how else to deal with it. Our daughter loves him very much and will be shattered if we get divorced. So i am staying cos of that and i still love him. Although its not like before.

Oh and he has become very sloppy with his appearance and i feel a bit embarassed when am out with him. He doesnt shave his beard, his clothes are messy and when i suggest he wears something else he insists on wearing the dirty ones. Maybe this is a mid life crises he is 39.

I dont know what to do. Please help!!

[Guest]

have you both spoken about this 'EA'? i don't understand why he would do that, tell u, that sounds strange - is he ill? maybe you should get him to a hospital.

 

i don't understand how u can be in two places at the same time - emotionally

 

maybe i should research that

[HeyYouGuys]

This whole situation is just awful! I feel so badly for you, hon!

 

First of all, it's entirely possible that your husband is having a mid-life crisis...or that he is clinically depressed. A sign of depression is no longer caring about your appearance.

 

Now why does your husband live 6,000 miles away? Is it because of his job? Or your job? It's literally impossible to forge a close bond with someone who is away all the time. Visiting once every 3 months is simply not reasonable, not if you have problems in your marriage that need to be worked on. There are many ways to acquire money for a move; a loan from a bank, credit cards, family, etc. The fact that he doesn't seem to want to relocate speaks volumes.

 

I don't like the way he brings this woman up in conversations and tells you that she tells him to 'distance' himself from you. This is very immature, spiteful behavior on his part. Furthermore, the fact that he tells this woman 'friend' of his about your arguments tells me that he crossed a crucial line a long time ago.

 

You need to put your foot down.

 

Either he finds a way to be with you, physically or emotionally, you need to start considering a seperation and/or divorce. You can't have a marriage when only one person wants to be working on it.

 

In the meantime, see if you can find a counselor to talk to, to help you sort things out.

[annee]

 

Now why does your husband live 6,000 miles away? Is it because of his job? Or your job? It's literally impossible to forge a close bond with someone who is away all the time. Visiting once every 3 months is simply not reasonable, not if you have problems in your marriage that need to be worked on. There are many ways to acquire money for a move; a loan from a bank, credit cards, family, etc. The fact that he doesn't seem to want to relocate speaks volumes.

 

I don't like the way he brings this woman up in conversations and tells you that she tells him to 'distance' himself from you. This is very immature, spiteful behavior on his part. Furthermore, the fact that he tells this woman 'friend' of his about your arguments tells me that he crossed a crucial line a long time ago.

 

 

 

Either he finds a way to be with you, physically or emotionally, you need to start considering a seperation and/or divorce. You can't have a marriage when only one person wants to be working on it.

 

Just managed to talk to him about this EA again. He tells me our relationship is part of something bigger for him.According to him his EA is a spiritual path for him. I have to accept that his spirituality depends on these bonds he has with women. He agrees he has been horrible to me but when i asked him to stop seeing this woman he said yes after telling me stories and crying a bit about people who gave up their spirituality for marriage. I have a feeling he just agreed to get me off the subject. We are trying to move to his country (England) but there are two kids in the picture and he has bad credit. Very complicated.

I love him but the trust is completely eroded. I suggested divorce but he says he doesnt want that. He doesnt trust me either he says he thinks i would delibrately hurt him.

And he is trying to prove a point to me that men can be close to women without sex. He doesnt want to see at all that this closeness he is trying to prove to me is killing me.

A part of me wants to get emotionally detached and practical so our marriage is based on the welfare of the children. But i am not that kind of person i need the emotional connection.

We've not had sex since he came (2 weeks)cos he tells me he is scared to get close to me and leaving again. But i have sexual needs too and i am tired of masturbating all the time. I am so frustrating.

Thanks for answering my post. I needed the support.

[Guest]

i can tell u this - if my wife, gf, told me that anyone i knew was causing her something like u just said - poof they are gone - seriously

 

the person u are with is the priority

 

that's just me tho - kinda strange

 

its not being wusssed - its making sure the person i choose to have in my life understands what that means

 

however this would have to be a special woman to me - someone that talks openly with me, face to face, and calls etc! [phone and address again - lol]

 

sorry teasing

[My Fair Katie]

Our daughter loves him very much and will be shattered if we get divorced. So i am staying cos of that and i still love him. Although its not like before.

 

Honey, he's in a different country, he only sees your daughter every 3 months. How is that any different than already being divorced?

 

You really need to look out for YOU, no one else will do it for you. You only have his word that it's an EA, he's 6,000 miles away, it's easy to lie about an affair from that distance.

 

Also spiritual path my rear. He sounds very manipulative to me and you sound very distraught. Please, see a counselor, and not a marriage counselor. You need your own to learn how to gain some confidence and not feel guilty for your feelings of needing attachment or sexual fullfillment. Those are CRUCIAL parts of a marriage.

 

Good luck hun.

[Guest]

my response deal with what i would do in reaction to the situation posted..

 

i could easily shift the focus and deal with issue within the person - and not providing a reassuring opposite reaction...

 

make sense?

[annee]

i can tell u this - if my wife, gf, told me that anyone i knew was causing her something like u just said - poof they are gone - seriously

 

the person u are with is the priority

 

that's just me tho - kinda strange

 

its not being wusssed - its making sure the person i choose to have in my life understands what that means

 

however this would have to be a special woman to me - someone that talks openly with me, face to face, and calls etc! [phone and address again - lol]

 

sorry teasing

That seems to be my point of view too. I have let go of a lot of my friends cos they treatened our relationship. I am working hard to save so we can rent a house in london but my husband works part time and is not prepared to change that cos it gives him flexibility. We talk twice a day on the phone if he is not here. But over the last month we have just argued all the time on the phone it became unbearable and i started dreading those phone calls.

 

After being told its part of his spiritual life and i am even if it hurts me i would understand it later means if this woman goes another one will take her place.

[annee]

Honey, he's in a different country, he only sees your daughter every 3 months. How is that any different than already being divorced?

You need your own to learn how to gain some confidence and not feel guilty for your feelings of needing attachment or sexual fullfillment. Those are CRUCIAL parts of a marriage.

Good luck hun.

 

Well i am scared of getting divorced cos i came home to meet my first husband in bed with another woman and it was traumatic for me. I have a very close knit and Catholic family who see me as the black sheep already having been divorced once already. Maybe i am just as scared of their rejection as i am of being lonely.

 

Having said that i am lonely all the time anyway and my only hope is that we will live together next year. That was the plan. Now i am not so sure.

Maybe i need to be stong enough to face my family rejection but i have no other support group apart from them. So i dont feel strong enough to do it now.

The kids also love him and i feel like i would be hurting them a lot if they cant see him anymore

[BruiserKC]

Your family should understand if you walked into your bedroom and found another woman in your bed. If they don't then that's just wrong.

 

As for your husband...trust your instinct. If you think he's screwing around on you, chances are he is.

[Trialbyfire]

Here's an article that I found which explains an emotional affair very clearly. Perhaps your husband needs a wake up call by reading it. He fails to understand how much emotional cheating affects a relationship.

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14287231/

[annee]

Thanks Trial:bunny:

[BlueEyedSarah]

He made friends with a woman last year and has gradually gotten very close. This woman wants to sleep with him but he tells me he said no. I DONT BELIEVE HIM. He still sees her a lot and has gotten attached to her. He tells her every time we argue and she has adviced him to get emotionally distant from me.

I see nothing wrong with a guy being friends with a girl but this relationship he has with this other woman sounds like a bit of trouble. They both have 'feelings' for one another...thats not a good sign!

She is also giving him the wrong advice! She is giving advice to get her hands all over him! . If your husband had any brains he would go to he's wife and child! Not fool around with another woman .

 

I told him i was going to have an emotional affair too and he would have to deal with it.

Thats not a good thing to do at all, you can not just seek revenge upon him, you don't want to get another guy involved, that will hurt him and as you know already its not nice to feel hurt.

 

I know its not the right thing to do but right now i feel like i cant cope.

You conscience is telling you its the wrong thing to do, listen to it! YOU CAN COPE, you just have to repeat that to yourself, YOU CAN COPE no matter how bad the whole situation looks right now, it will get easier later on. The grass is always greener on the other side.

 

I stopped seeing him cos i am too scared it will end up in an affair.

This shows you put your marriage and your relationship with your husband on a higher pedestal. You want to work it out, but your husband seems to not want to.

 

Our daughter loves him very much and will be shattered if we get divorced.

Of course she loves him...its her father. (Isnt it?) No child wants their parents to split up. What is her age? I am guessing she may be young/teen age. They don't understand what would be right for you when they are young. They just want to have happy famalies and unfortunatly it doesn't always work out like that.

 

How about you both go to a marriage counsellor, they may be able to help safe your marrriage.

[whichwayisup]

My H wants me to accept and understand his emotional attachment to another woman

 

Bottomline is it's her or you. He cannot have two women in his life feeding all his needs, feeding his ego. Don't put up with it, if he wants her then he can't have you.

Sorry for your pain, what he is doing is selfish and unfair. Did he forget his marriage vows?

[annee]

.

Of course she loves him...its her father. (Isnt it?) No child wants their parents to split up. What is her age? I am guessing she may be young/teen age. They don't understand what would be right for you when they are young. They just want to have happy famalies and unfortunatly it doesn't always work out like that.

 

How about you both go to a marriage counsellor, they may be able to help safe your marrriage.

 

Our daughter is three and i guess you right she doesnt know whats right or wrong at this age. My husband doesnt want to see a marriage counsellor. He tells me he expects everything in his life to be difficult and that is how he learns but i really dont see the lesson he is learning from having an EA. And i am not sure i like this particular lesson. I am going to see a counsellor alone anyway. In my state of mind i think i need one.

Thanks for the replying to my post.

[annee]

Your family should understand if you walked into your bedroom and found another woman in your bed. If they don't then that's just wrong.

 

My dad cheated on my mother with different women for years and she stayed. And she says she did it because of us (kids). I cant count on her to understand neither can my dad who was a cheater himself.

Sometimes it feels like i am fighting a loosing battle. Perhaps whoever i end up with would cheat anyway. I want to believe not evryone cheats but i havent met any non cheaters yet? I am sure they are out there my fate has just not brought any my way:confused:

[pennyjosix]

I am so sorry. I am currently in a long distance relationship of almost 8 months (i know that is nothing compared to a marriage), and I know that LD can be tough, but I would NEVER want an EA nor would it be okay for my boyfriend to have one. Sure you don't see your h everyday but obviously the communication you do have was enough for you at some point. Why can't it be enough for him? It should be more than enough. I am more than satisfied with the multiple phone calls, texts, chats online, e-mails, etc I get from my boyfriend daily. You deserve better sweetheart, and you are doing the right thing by not retaliating. Keep your head up and do something for you.

[BlueEyedSarah]

Our daughter is three and i guess you right she doesnt know whats right or wrong at this age.

Yes...she is young and doesn't know right from wrong at this age. The only thing she may be thinking is if mummy and daddy split up she wont be able to see daddy any more. You may need to try comunicate on a childs level of thinking about the situation you are currently in because I honestly think it would be best for you to get out of this emotional affair because it sounds as though this guy does not want to work anything out with you.

[whichwayisup]

Our daughter is three and i guess you right she doesnt know whats right or wrong at this age. My husband doesnt want to see a marriage counsellor. He tells me he expects everything in his life to be difficult and that is how he learns but i really dont see the lesson he is learning from having an EA. And i am not sure i like this particular lesson. I am going to see a counsellor alone anyway. In my state of mind i think i need one.

Thanks for the replying to my post.

 

I think you going to talk to someone about this is a great idea. You will be able to work through the feelings of the situation and hopefully the therapist can help you cope, maybe gain more self confidence so you CAN leave him. If he isn't willing to go to marriage counselling, and isn't willing to face the consquences of his actions and END that affair with the OW, emotionally or physically, what is the point of staying married to him? He hasn't shown you ANY love, respect or honesty. He's not acting like a husband at all. His focus should be on you and his own daughter, not the OW.

 

My dad cheated on my mother with different women for years and she stayed. And she says she did it because of us (kids). I cant count on her to understand neither can my dad who was a cheater himself.

Sometimes it feels like i am fighting a loosing battle. Perhaps whoever i end up with would cheat anyway. I want to believe not evryone cheats but i havent met any non cheaters yet? I am sure they are out there my fate has just not brought any my way:confused:

 

This is stuff you can talk to the counsellor about, she'll help you deal with your past issues, and get you through what is going on now.

[annee]

Well i thought long and hard today after talking to my H. I gave him an ultimatum a couple of days ago about his "Emotional Friend" and his agreement to stop seeing her was so half hearted i truly felt sorry for myself. I knew he was still going to see her but secretly. So i went back and told him to keep seeing her if he wanted to. He can have his spiritual friend for all i care.

Now i am trying to do the hard work on myself and i am determined. When i am done i would walk away. I am not strong enough to do it yet but a day would come soon when i would say enough of this b*******t and i am going to walk away. Actually i have said it in my head and accepted it in my heart already so its half done.

I saw him playing with the kids today and they adore him, but like you guys have been telling me they dont really know whats right or wrong. And i know whats wrong but am in cos its familiar i am too F scared to let go of the familiar.

But i would soon enough.

Soon.