Money matters in long-term relationships

[TPol]

It's been a while since I've been in a long-term relationship and my previous one was when I was younger, so the relationship was not very adult and serious in some aspects such as money issues.

 

So, this thread is meant to be some kind of a survey to see how long-term couples manage money. I've seen a whole spectrum ranging from one extreme to the other and anywhere in between. It seems that it comes down to individual couples and what works best for them. For instance for my parents it was their money, there is no mine or yours. But I've seen couples who split everything to the last penny. So, here are the questions (for long-term couple):

 

Who pays the bills? Who pays at the restaurants/movies/etc? Who pays the rent/mortgage? If you split, what's the percentage? If one partner earns less that the other, do you feel that the power balance in the relationship changes or it affects the relationship in any way? For instance does the higher-earning partner have more say in money decisions? Do you have joint or separate account? Or both? Do you completely trust your partner with your money or the way they handle it?

 

I know it's a lot of questions and some of them are personal, but I realize that money issues can be very important and crucial in a relationship, especially in the long run. I'd like to approach this with care and discretion.

[bab]

 

Who pays the bills? Who pays at the restaurants/movies/etc? Who pays the rent/mortgage? If you split, what's the percentage? If one partner earns less that the other, do you feel that the power balance in the relationship changes or it affects the relationship in any way? For instance does the higher-earning partner have more say in money decisions? Do you have joint or separate account? Or both? Do you completely trust your partner with your money or the way they handle it?

 

First of all, we've got joint checking, so the answer to most of the questions is, we both do. Both of our checks go into the same account, and our savings comes out of that. I don't feel there is anything about the amount of money that we earn that changes anything in the relationship. I don't think about it all that much. Right now we both feel rich as we both got substantial raises in the last 6 months, so for less expensive stuff we don't talk about it at all. For more expensive stuff, or how to do the savings, it's a joint decision. I, being more savings oriented than my H, got to decide how it would work. (He used to dip into his savings account all the time. Now I take out the money for savings and he doesn't have access to it). I COMPLETELY trust my H with our money. Him not having access to the savings is just because we are using my old account and haven't yet bothered to put him on it, but will probably get around to it eventually.

[blind_otter]

Who pays the bills?

We both do.

 

Who pays at the restaurants/movies/etc?

We both do. Take turns.

Who pays the rent/mortgage?

I have no rent or mortgage. The house I live in is completely paid off.

If one partner earns less that the other, do you feel that the power balance in the relationship changes or it affects the relationship in any way?

No. I was out of work for about 5 months and was completely supported by my SO and it was never an issue.

For instance does the higher-earning partner have more say in money decisions?

Yes.

 

Do you have joint or separate account? Or both?

Separate.

 

Do you completely trust your partner with your money or the way they handle it?

Yes.

 

 

Overall, I like to keep my money separate. It avoids confusion. I blended finances with my exhusband and then he left me with all our joint debt and got off scott free without having to pay any of it.

[loggrad98]

My wife is a stay-at-home mom and therefore I am the "sole breadwinner". We have worked out a great system...I give her my check and she gives me my allowance!

 

Seriously, since I am the one who works outside the home, and we split the housework as evenly as we can (obviously, being home most of the time she does the lion's share, but I hold my own), she also pays the bills and maintains the checkbook and I drive her crazy because I want a corvette and she wants braces for the kids. Sheesh, where are her priorities anyway! Well, I was not about to back down.

 

So after we got the kids braces.....

[Love Hurts]

My wife is a stay-at-home mom and therefore I am the "sole breadwinner". We have worked out a great system...I give her my check and she gives me my allowance!

 

Seriously, since I am the one who works outside the home, and we split the housework as evenly as we can (obviously, being home most of the time she does the lion's share, but I hold my own), she also pays the bills and maintains the checkbook and I drive her crazy because I want a corvette and she wants braces for the kids. Sheesh, where are her priorities anyway! Well, I was not about to back down.

 

So after we got the kids braces.....

 

Great post…

 

I do believe you are rare.. my father always operated the same way.

Mother was a stay at home mom and father the soul provider.

He would give her his paycheck and say “mommy can I have some change “

 

Forty years later .. No regrets.

Now they have direct deposit and he still says, “mommy can I have some change “

[milvushina]

We have separate accounts. My husband is a compulsive spender, and I love to be organized. With separate accounts, he can spend his money without me worrying about mine; as long as he pays his bills it's not my business.

 

He usually pays for stuff like dinner or dates, but I take him out sometimes too. I'm just more inclined to well, be stingy, I guess. I'd rather go out to the lake for a day or cook dinner for him than go on expensive dates. He pays rent, I pay most of the other bills; we split them up so that we are both left with about the same percentage of our checks after bills (we don't make the same, so going 50-50 would be hard on one of us).

 

We have equal say in money decisions because we are an equal team, and both of our needs/desires have the same weight even if one of us does make more money.

I don't mind that we aren't on the same page about spending and managing money. I think it might cause problems if we had joint checking and credit cards. But as it is it actually just feels like not having to answer to each other as much. Probably prevents fights.

[Woggle]

My wife and I have seperate accounts and we both agree to contribute our half to the bills. Except for the mortgage which is almost paid off we split everything down the middle. We usually take turns paying when we go out. As far as higher earners it can affect things if the higher earner feels that they are now in control and above the other pertner but both if us are successful and can survive on our own so that is not an issue for us. This setup seems to work for us.

[mental_traveller]

If she's richer, it's a joint account. Otherwise I keep my money separate.

[Curmudgeon]

Money DOES matter, LOL!

 

When my wife and I were first married she made almost as much as I did and we combined all our income. Now, 10 years later, she's retired and I've had promotions and raises so I make about four times what she brings in.

 

We each have a checking account and a savings account but they're all joint. Her retirement check goes into hers and my salary goes into mine. I add money to her accounts each month. I pay for the home, all the utilities and all other bills as well as put money into savings and a 401(k) to supplement my state (employer) retirement account. I also give myself a modest allowance.

 

My wife gives herself an allowance as well, purchases all the food and other household items, pays for gas and maintenance on the car which she uses far more than I do, and budgets money for entertainment, items for the home and any necessary gifts for children and grandchildren as well as personal care expenses.

 

In that manner she controls her income and I control mine but they both go for the common good and there's no conflict between us.

 

I have to be honest and tell you that it took a lot of trial and error to reach this process as neither of us had ever been in a dual income situation before. But it works for us!

[Cinnesyn]

We both have personal checking accounts and then a shared checking account. Every pay day, we both transfer $ into the shared checking to pay the household bills. Personal bills (credit cards, car, etc.) is paid via each person's personal checking account. I consider the housing expenses to be 50/50 so we transfer in the same amount into the shared account, even though I make 2x what he does.

 

We both have personal savings accounts. I sock money away to pay my property taxes and he doesn't save anything because he spends everything on beer and other women. He cashed out a 401k to have money for his personal savings account (I never understood why he did this... until I found out about the cheating. He needed money to woo these women.)

 

We're not married and won't be getting married due to infidelity on his part. I'm glad the money is separate because it'll make things easier when we do part ways. The money wasn't always separate but after I discovered he was cheating, I split it all up so he wouldn't clean out the bank accounts when I kick him out. That was the best thing I ever did and if I ever get into another LT relationship, that'll be the way we handle our money. I will never blindly intermingle the money again, even if I get married.

 

As for dinners/entertainment, I would usually pay because I'm the breadwinner and have more discretionary income. I pay all the bills online because I'm the numbers person. We both tended to make financial decisions together in the past but now I don't give a hoot what he says. Now anything I charge or pay for is strictly for ME or my kids. I used to be very generous but have learned that's the best way to get burned.

[SurpriseSurprise]

Being in a non-traditional role. She makes most of the money and I contribute. She is also more fiscaly responisble.

 

Who pays the bills?

She does

 

Who pays at the restaurants/movies/etc?

We both do. Depends who's idea it was.

 

Who pays the rent/mortgage?

She pay's it along with the bills

 

If one partner earns less that the other, do you feel that the power balance in the relationship changes or it affects the relationship in any way?

Yes. Even though she does not make it a point I feel it. She will just buy something that I would feel I need to ask her first before I do. She has on occasion would make a decision for me if I could not decide.

 

For instance does the higher-earning partner have more say in money decisions?

Yes.

 

Do you have joint or separate account? Or both?

joint checking but not on the savings. I need to talk to her about that.

 

Do you completely trust your partner with your money or the way they handle it?

Yes.

[Trialbyfire]

This was my setup with the ex.

 

Completely separate everything, for the purposes of credit ratings and financial independence. Something I learned from watching my mother be a stay-at-home mom and not having any credit to her name.

[bab]

This was my setup with the ex.

 

Completely separate everything, for the purposes of credit ratings and financial independence. Something I learned from watching my mother be a stay-at-home mom and not having any credit to her name.

 

True, but this can also be solved with just having separate credit cards, putting different monthly bills in different people's name, and making sure that you are both on the mortgage.

[CynicalP]

The wife and I seperate our individual incomes, and mantain seperate credit cards. My wife enjoys to spend her money and I enjoy to invest my money and watch it grow. We try to split the bills down the middle but I make more money then her so I usually pay a 60% more than she. She handles all the bills I write her a check each month for my share of the expenses. All entertainment costs; dinners, movies, vacations I pay for. This system has worked out really well for us considering we rarely ever fight over money. I am lucky however that my wife understands the concept of being financially responsible. She spends within her limits and does diverts a portion of her income for retirement savings.