Atale of two episodes. Your take?

[guenniverre]

Firstly, I would like to ask all of you to read the examples listed below before I get into anything. After each example, I would like to ask if you could please comment on it, whether it be advice, a feeling it evokes in you, or whatever.

 

A brief summary to set the stage:

These examples take place at a Holiday party held by your Significant Others workplace. This is not a small intimate party. It is a huge affair, the party taking place in a huge ballroom. There are easily over 300 guests in attendance, not counting the staff that work there. It is not a black tie affair, the guests can come as they please, though many choose to dress rather extravegently while others just wear jeans.

 

example one:

Your boy/girlfriend and you go to this party. As you walk in the door, you cant help but notice that your boy/girlfriend exchanges a knowing look with a member of the opposite sex, yet they dont breath a word to each other. They make no move to introduce you to them, yet as you and your boy/girlfriend make their way through the party you are introduced to various other people. It is obvious from your standpoint that they do indeed know each other. After you are finished eating, your boy/girlfriend tells you that they need to use the bathroom. They walk away and you start to feel uneasy. Call it a gnawing gut instinct but you couldnt stay seated for another minute. So you get up and start walking towards the bathroom, and you catch a glimpse of your boy/girlfriend standing next to the table and talking with the person they exchanged the knowing glance with.

 

example two:

While all of this is going on, you notice that where your boy/girlfriend choses to sit is right in the direct line of this other person (different from the one in example one) of the opposite sex. You cant help but notice that your boy/girlfriends eyes are on that person the entire night, and that person is really hamming it up. Gathering people around them, laughing loud, in general trying like mad to draw attention to themselves from your significant other. It is past pathetic, and it seems so obvious to the point of sickening.

Going back to example one, the reason you had an uneasy gnawing feeling was because of this attention getting person. You see, when your boy/girlfriend got up to use the restroom, they walked past this attention getter...and two minutes later the attention getter starts wandering in that direction. That is what made you get up and investigate for yourself, whereupon you saw your significant other chatting it up with the knowing glance person.

This attention getter however, just wouldnt let it go. They kept walking deliberately past your table, even though they clearly did not have to. In fact, they went out of their way to do just that. Doing anything they can to get the attention focused on them. It is so obvious that the person they are seeking attention from is your significant other. Being loud, singing, dancing. At one point they actually started getting mean spirited, and whispering in their "crowds" ears while looking in your direction and laughing.On and on it went until the bitter end.

 

 

Tell me, what do you think?

[Guest]

I Would Think That In Example One Someone Is Obviously Connected To Other, In A Way That, That They Can Even Have Contact But It Is Seen...i Would Not Notice Because I Have Never Dated Anyone That I Thought Would Cheat On Me - Some Might Have - But I Never Think That Way

 

Example Two - Is Me After Too Many Guinness

 

So The Moral Is?

[Girlygirl74]

Ok, I think you're looking too hard at this situation. If someone is there and eyeing the guy you're with...take it as a compliment. Don't let yourself feel insecure about it. He came with you, right? He left with you, right? There's nothing sexier than a confident woman, and you should have made sure he saw that side of you...instead of the insecure woman sneaking around to see what he was doing. If nothing else, you should have went up to this "knowing" woman and introduced yourself. She may be an old acquaintance. Who knows. But acting insecure and jealous isn't attractive at all. If it's bothing you this much, just ask him. Just make sure not to ask in an accusing way. It may be nothing.

[Guest]

Ok, I think you're looking too hard at this situation. If someone is there and eyeing the guy you're with...take it as a compliment. Don't let yourself feel insecure about it. He came with you, right? He left with you, right? There's nothing sexier than a confident woman, and you should have made sure he saw that side of you...instead of the insecure woman sneaking around to see what he was doing. If nothing else, you should have went up to this "knowing" woman and introduced yourself. She may be an old acquaintance. Who knows. But acting insecure and jealous isn't attractive at all. If it's bothing you this much, just ask him. Just make sure not to ask in an accusing way. It may be nothing.

 

 

Oh, i thought i had to view this within 'insecurities' viewpoint

[Walk]

And your bf said what when you talked to him later? Or are you just stewing in jealousy at this point?

 

example one:

Your boy/girlfriend and you go to this party. As you walk in the door, you cant help but notice that your boy/girlfriend exchanges a knowing look with a member of the opposite sex, yet they dont breath a word to each other. They

If it were me in that situation... I think you were implying that the person my bf exchanged knowing glances with was female? Well, I wouldn't assume anything right off the bat. I'd just ask "Who was that?" I trust my bf. I'd most likely assume that the girl probably creates problems for him, or she's too forward with him, and he's attempting to avoid her because he realizes she'll try to create problems at the party. So basically, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, I'd ask for his thoughts, and accept his explaination.

 

I might have that gut stab of jealousy, but hell, I think my bf is the sexiest man alive and who wouldn't want him?!?!? He's freakin' awesome, so of course other women are desperate to nab him.

 

But I don't spend time wondering who he's off galvanting with when he's away from me. The time we get together I bust ass to make sure that his needs are taken care, that his complaints are heard and addressed immediately, that he knows beyond a doubt that I am going to take his interests to heart as strongly as I take my own. So I don't worry about other women.

 

Talk to your bf without accusing him of anything. Just ask him his thoughts and views on what happened. If things seem to make sense after you talk to him, then you need to stop worrying so much about who else is capturing his attention and work harder at making sure you're the one who's meeting his needs. If you're insecure about where you stand, then maybe you need to re-evaluate the dynamics of the relationship and figure out where the problems are and how to resolve them. Either through better communication, or by you trying new things, or acting on suggestions/complaints he's raised in the past. Take his words to heart and show him you are.

 

If things aren't jiving and his explainations sound like loads of crap, and he's distant, or non-communicative... then I'm not sure what to tell you. If you can't trust him, then there really isn't any reason to be in a relationship with him. Ask if you can talk to the girls, and if he would introduce you to them. Maybe ask if the three of you could meet up for coffee or lunch soon. Gauge his reaction.

 

But I would assume he knows those two are trouble, and was trying to distance you from them. Talk to him first.

[Guest]

its because i've spent over 10 hours on here and the way i have been responded too and the type of questions asked influenced how i viewed those examples

 

so, if u think that way constantly and are presented with negative communication - you go to that place!

 

interesting

 

ok...so, this forum is not so positive after all for the old nooodle

 

wow

 

 

ok...time to give this place a good break and get back to the nopn textual world

 

merry christmas all and hope to pop back in to say hello in the new year

[guenniverre]

He came with you, right? He left with you, right?

 

Yes, because he was obligated to. I took him to mine, and there was no way for him to avoid taking me to his as I used to work there and knew when the party was.

 

and you should have made sure he saw that side of you...instead of the insecure woman sneaking around to see what he was doing.

 

I did make sure he saw that side of me. Trust me, I didnt let on that anything was remiss. He didnt see me sneaking around.

 

If nothing else, you should have went up to this "knowing" woman and introduced yourself

 

He didnt leave any room for that. I knew something was strange when we first walked in and he and her both exchanged those looks yet he refused to even talk to her, but later on when he has to go to the bathroom I catch him talking to her at the table.

 

Why not introduce me then? He introduced me to others. What was so important about this woman that he had to make an excuse to use the bathroom to talk to her obviously out of my sight?

 

If it's bothing you this much, just ask him. Just make sure not to ask in an accusing way. It may be nothing.

 

I have tried just asking him before. It doesnt matter what I ask, or how I ask it. It is seen as accusing and thus immediately a scene is made. No matter what. So I have learned to bite my tongue and stuff it.

 

And your bf said what when you talked to him later?

 

I never even bothered to talk to him about it. Why bother? nothing ever gets accomplished and I end up walking away from it more of a nervous wreck than when I started the conversation.

 

Or are you just stewing in jealousy at this point?

 

pretty much...

 

 

I'd just ask "Who was that?"

 

As we have been in this exact circumstance before, and I happened to mention "who was that" to which he would say either "no one" , "I dont know" or "omg you are so crazy, this is the first time I have seen her"

only to see him later surreptitiously sneak around to her later on in the day/evening. Besides, that one comment would draw a scene. A public one in which he would embarrass me. ALOT. Trust me, I had to learn the hard way.

 

If things aren't jiving and his explainations sound like loads of crap, and he's distant, or non-communicative...

 

Which accounts for most of the conversations between us when I feel insecure.

 

Look, it is OBVIOUS that both women are linked to him in some way. I know from your standpoints that it seems like I am just an insecure, crazy, paranoid mess, but trust me, I know. I know and I am sure the majority of the women out there in relationships know when something is going on between their man and another woman. Its that sixth sense you just have, it comes with knowing your partner and knowing when something is just not right.

 

Example Two - Is Me After Too Many Guinness

 

 

This was an alcohol free party.

 

This woman was very obvious. She kept parading back and forth in front of us, deliberately squeezing herself in between our chairs the whole night when there was definately a huge clear path that she could have taken but for some reason preferred to squeeze between us the whole night? That doesnt strike you as odd in the least?

Or how about when she surrounds herself with 3 other men as soon as she sees us, and engages them to flirt with her so she can show my boyfriend how desireable and fun she is, all the while making sure he sees it by laughing loudly, and making the men trail behind her and making sure she is seen with them, and looking back at him every 3 seconds to make sure he sees how much fun she is having. Her behaviour was DESPERATE.

 

Dont tell me this has never happened to any of you. You know when your man specifically is the target of such games. You can just tell.

[Walk]

I'm not sure what to say... You don't trust your bf. Do you think he's cheating on you? And is it with only one woman, or do you think he's cheating on you with both women?

 

On top of this, your communication with him has degraded to the point where you can't talk about what's bothering you, and he's hiding people to avoid confrontation. This isn't healthy.

 

You have a couple choices. You could attempt to talk to him, but this time assure him that you aren't accusing him of anything. Explain what actions took place that caused you confusion... ie: that he didn't introduce you to the (first) woman. But you would have to trust him in order for this to work. Otherwise, your tone and non-verbal messages would be screaming at him that you don't trust him and you think he's cheating on you.

 

You could attempt to talk to him and explain that you are jealous. Be honest about your feelings, but have concrete examples of actions that you feel crossed the line and why. For intance, when he said he was going to the bathroom, but instead stopped to talk to the woman. Explain that you were upset he didn't introduce you, but she was important enough for him to make a point in talking to during the evening. But logically go through what you want to say first, and figure out what areas are rational/logical reasons and which ones are emotional reasons. Stick to the rational. Its more conducive to an honest discussion.

 

You other option is to bury this. You don't trust him. You believe he's being inappropriate, and you've given up on talking to him about it. In that case, all you can do is sit and wait until the relationship finally breaks down enough that one or both of you calls it quits.

 

Can I ask a few questions?

• How long have you two been going out?
  
• How old are both of you?
  
• Has his behavior changed in the past few weeks, or months?
  
• Has your sex life pretty much stopped?
  
• Are there times where you've found out that he lied about what he did or who he saw? (know for sure, not just think)
  
• Do you two live together?
  

 

Whether or not he's actually having inappropriate relations with other women, this isn't healthy for you. You're going to end up tearing yourself up inside, and destroying your relationship because of it. If you believe he's not being faithful, then you need to break off the relationship. If he's faithful but trying to avoid a confrontation with you, then you two need to re-build the communication.

 

You can't have a relationship with someone you can't trust. I've tried. It doesn't work. And you don't trust your bf.

[ash519]

Walk- You are truly the best. The amount of confidence and trust in your relationship is fantastic!!! And you give great advice. I am quite insecure and due to that sometimes doubt my boyfriend (who has told white lies) and then i read posts from you and i'm like "she's right, i have to let go of that stuff and trust him more." He loves me tons and I cant see why he would ever cheat.

 

As for the Guen- Do you think MAYBE these women are trying to cause issues between you and your bf? Women are sneaky bitches sometimes and maybe they did this on purpose? Maybe one of them has a crush on your bf and is jealous of you.I dont know, just trying to give him benefit of a doubt.

 

But maybe your insecurities are in fact for good cause. Maybe he had something happen between the two of them, physical or not, and he was uncomfortable and nervous and she was feeling cocky. Who knows, the only way you will is if you really talk to him and explain that when he loses it it #1 makes him look guilty and #2 doesnt do much for the communication in your relationship.

[pennyjosix]

Okay. I can't say I know this for sure because I obviously don't know your boyfriend, but he sounds very shady. He also doesn't sound like the greatest guy if you try to talk to him about your insecurities, and he makes you feel worse about it. You need to be with someone that will talk you through things. If you have a sixth sense that he is negatively connected to several other women then why are you still around? Are there no strong willed women anymore? You should be fed up with his mess, but you want some kind of answer or justification. WALK AWAY if you aren't happy. He obviously is making it a habit to be connected to other women.

[dropdeadlegs]

Assuming you are not an insanely jealous over nothing, crazy, psycho girlfriend (and if you were you wouldn't say so, probably wouldn't even recognize it) I would have been uncomfortable with the actions of my boyfriend and Miss Look at Me. However, your boyfriend can't control the behavior of others. Miss Look at Me, who was definitely acting desperate, seems to be an injured party in some way. Her behavior worries me. As far as Miss Knowing Glance, I agree that he should have introduced you to her, but a knowing glance could be almost anything. She could have helped him pick out a fabulous Christmas gift for you.

 

Regardless, it does seem as if there is a lack of GOOD communication in your relationship and some trust issues. If I didn't completely trust my BF I would be an emotional mess and if I couldn't talk to him about everything and have no fear of what that might invoke I don't know what I would do. But it hasn't always been this way and I do understand what you are going through and feeling. I didn't always have such a great BF and was in several relationships that made me insecure in my teens, 20's, and one in my 30's. It sucks to be distrusting of someone you love, but I learned I was distrusting for good reasons. And it nearly drove me insane with the constant feeling that something was wrong. The thing that was wrong was that I was with men not worthy of me. Not worthy of anyone.

 

If I had to guess about the situations you described I would say that Miss Look at Me has had some kind of relationship with your boyfriend or at least she perceives that she has. That doesn't mean he truly cheated on you, it could have been mild flirtation that she overrated in her mind. She seems somehow hurt by him. As for Miss Knowing Glance it could be absolutely nothing, or maybe he is currently involved with her in some way.

 

Only you know if any of that makes any sense at all. Cheating takes time. Time away from you and everyone else. Does he have the time? I think I would suggest taking a closer look at your relationship in whole. I think you deserve to feel complete trust and safety within that realm that you share so intimately with another. Distrust and humiliation when asking questions doesn't sound very healthy and you really have to love yourself enough to demand better. Don't take as long as I did to learn that. It took me far too long to graduate from The School of Hard Knocks, even with a generous grading curve.