overheard his friends talking about me

[zeldazelda]

i just recently 'hung out" with my boyfriends' friends for the first time. we've been dating for about 4 months and i met them a few times, but just for a few minuets here or there. his friend was having a poker party, and all his guy friends' girlfriends were going, so he invited me and thought it would be a good way for me to meet them, but not feel uncomfortable with just him and the guys. the girlfriends aren't usually there either.

 

my boyfriend's ex has been his ex for about a year now. i don't know her or what she looks like. when i was at his friend's house, i went outside to have a cigarette and i could hear his friends talking through an open window in the basement where everyone was.

 

they were saying they thought i was nice, but that his ex was so much hotter and he probably had to think about her just to "get it up" with me. i could hear the other girls laughing too, so i know everyone there heard it. they weren't supernice to me when they met me or anything, but they were okay. and sometimes girls are like that with each other. but guys' guy friends, i mean, of other boyfriends before, i've always gotten along with, no problem. some of them are still my friends now. as far as i know, the ex was a bytch who cheated on him, so i don't think it's because they're still friends with her.

 

i had to pretend i didn't hear it so i wasn't humiliated in front of them, and i acted normally the whole time and didn't let anything on, showed i was having a 'great time."

 

i haven't said anything to my boyfriend, and i don't know if i should. i'm worried that they will say i misheard them and he'll believe it and pick them over me. i'm worried that he will be too embarrassed to talk to me about it. and most of all, i worry that he will realize he agrees with them, or will feel start to feel like they do because he doesn't want to think his friends think his girl is ugly.

 

i don't even know what my questions are other than how do i handle this?

 

i can't pretend nothing is wrong forever, and he is going to eventually wonder why i keep declining his offers to hang out with his friends. he keeps saying "tom, dick and harry thought you were fun, they want you to come back" and i keep thinking, yeah right, i can't show my face to them. and what if he already knows they think this? and i'm the butt of jokes all the time and he has to sit there and defend me?

 

i would be more mad if i wasn't so hurt and humiliated. i don't know where to go from here.

[zeldazelda]

i guess i am the only ugly girlfriend. this sucks. i hate this feeling.

 

i wish i was never there in the first place. i think i would die if my girlfriends did this to him.

[Guest]

wow..his friends suck!

 

yes u tell him right away

 

was he there when they said that?

 

with my ex it was the total opposite - it was like putting out fires all the time

 

and twice, [and trust me i never would have expected this], two gfs of friends of mine asked me if she ever wanted to be with a woman? like, wtf, a friends gf, asking me, if my gf, would get it on with her? i mean, its a compliment i guess but don't people think about what they are saying first?

 

what i told them both was - i am not interested in sharing, and that they were really asking the wrong person - like i somehow 'owned' her?

 

there were times where we were out and i would see FRIENDS take long glances...i never let that bother me because i trusted her and am secure in who i am - but i wonder how a woman would feel about that? say u are at a party with your bf and u notice his friends 'checking u out' - how would u feel?

[Marcus as the Peanut]

Try not to pay attation on what the said..I now easier said then done

The only opinion that matters is your boyfriend

[zeldazelda]

Try not to pay attation on what the said..I now easier said then done

The only opinion that matters is your boyfriend

 

thanks, peanut. yes, it is easier said than done. i don't if i can go back to feeling comfortable after all this.

[whichwayisup]

Tell him what you overheard. Be honest and tell him that you've been trying to forget about it as it really doesn't matter what they say/think, but it still bothers you.

Maybe he should just casually mention to them in a way they'll "get it" so it won't happen again, he could say "Hey guys/gals...The next time you want to talk about my girlfriend behind her back, just make sure you close the window or atleast wait until we've gone home." Trust me, that will stop them in their tracks, and hopefully make some of them feel bad. if they are good friends of his, they shouldn't be saying sheeyt like that to begin with.

[norajane]

Sometimes people say stupid things - especially when drinking - to make a joke or to try be funny. And sometimes people laugh at the stupid joke so they can fit in with the group even if they don't agree with what was said.

 

Yes, they were very rude, but without getting to know them better, you don't know if they're always like that. And you don't know which girl might have been sitting there thinking that was a mean thing to say, but was hesitant to speak up. Maybe it was just that they didn't know you and they have a lot to learn about relationships and people.

 

Don't let this get in between you and your bf. Go out with him and his friends, enjoy your time with your bf, and his friends will either come around and see the qualities that attracted your bf or they won't. Either way, take the high road.

[Bryanp]

I think you handled the situation with the upmost class. You are to be commended. I would suggest you discuss this with your boyfriend because it is bothering you and rightfully so. I am sure if the roles had been reversed you would want your boyfriend to confide in you how hurt he was by such ignorant remarks. Look he picked you. There is a reason he picked you. The point of a relationship is to be able to discuss almost everything with your partner which means the highs and the lows. Discuss this with your boyfriend and I am sure you will end up feeling much much better.

[zeldazelda]

thanks everyone. any ideas on how i should bring it up?

 

i wish this wasn't so embarassing, admitting that someone insulted your looks behind your back is about as easy as having it done in front of everyone.

 

and what do i do if he says "my friends would never say that!" or for some reason doesn't believe or, or just doesn't care?

 

maybe i am just too humiliated and i need to just move on to a clean slate. i have to wonder if i will always doubt whether he agrees with them or not, and if he really does have to picture his ex when he's with me. yuck.

[whichwayisup]

IF he questions you or acts like he doesn't care, then you need to re-think the whole relationship with him and consider breaking up with him. Don't assume the worst about him, let him know how you feel, how it upset you and you thought it was best to tell him what you overheard. As long as he respects your feelings, shows he cares, then all will workout fine.

[Jersey Shortie]

Yes, please talk to him about it. I know it will be a hard thing to bring up but I think if you talk it over you will end up feeling better afterwards. You are going to have to admit a vulnerabity to him about yourself and that is never easy.

 

If he is so silly to break up with you over what his friends think, it is better to know now because if he doesn't stand up for you now, you won't stand up for you on the much harder stuff in life.

 

He wouldn't be with you now if he didn't find you attractive. I am sure not all his friends are super models either.

[Walk]

Those were horrible things to have someone say about you.

 

My bf's two best friends (seperately) tried to convince my bf to break up with me. They attacked my character, my looks, my actions. They felt I wasn't good enough for my bf.

 

It really hurt. But I know I'm good person, and I have a lot to offer to someone who values that. (I'm not "hot" either, so he's not staying because of that. )

 

I talked to my bf about it. I didn't go into depth about how hurt I was by it. I did tell him I felt betrayed, back stabbed, by it because I was honestly offering my hand in friendship to these people.

 

Anyway... he understood, and he felt that his friends were jealous. That they had gotten used to him being single and having all kinds of time for them, and that since he had stated dating me that he wasn't giving them as much as they wanted. He talked to his friends about it, and was very firm in explaining that they either accepted me, or he wasn't going to continue the friendship with them. I think he felt more hurt by the comments then I did, because he felt like his friends were attacking his ideas and beliefs. He chose me because I represent good qualities to him, things he wants in a partner. When they attacked me, they attacked his judgement, and views.

 

Talk to your bf about it. I'm sure he'll understand, and he'll want to correct this.

 

You seem to have the rare gift of "level headedness".

 

Also wanted to say that I think you handled yourself incredibly well. That took a lot of maturity, strength, and belief in yourself. I'm really impressed.

[Woggle]

Not insinuating anything about any specific poster but usually a man's friends can see what he can't see about a woman. They notice how he is changing and the problems he goes through. My freiends never liked my ex and wondered what I saw in her. They used to get mad whenever I brought her around when we went out and even though back then I was blind I now I see how right they were. On the other most of my friends love my wife because I have not changed at all since I married her. I am still the same Woggle that I was when I was single and that is how they know she is right for me. More men need to listen to their friends.

[Walk]

Not insinuating anything about any specific poster but usually a man's friends can see what he can't see about a woman..

 

I agree. And I think if a persons friends really have a problem with your SO after getting to know the person a bit, then it's probably a good idea to either end the relationship or not get very serious with the person. Friends can be objective where the person in the relationship may not be.

 

I know you said you weren't picking out any one poster, but in my case I think it was a combination of factors that didn't have much to do with me specifically. My bf didn't exactly date women who were very mentally healthy, and from what I gather the norm was that he would start dating a girl, she would whine, bitch and complain about him spending time or money on his friends. The girls he dated hated his friends and thought they were low life retards with no redeeming value. And the past gf's hated everything the friends and him enjoyed doing together. So I don't blame them for being critical of me in the beginning. They were just trying to protect my bf, and the friendship they had.

 

On the other hand, I have a friend who has hated every single man I've ever dated. No matter what type of person I dated. I feel she has even worse judgement in men then I do since she's been married 3 times prior to turning 30 and is currently claiming her new husband is abusive... I'm not sure I want to forego my happiness based on her "opinion" of the guy I'm dating. But she is my friend, and occasionally she is right.

 

Basically... I do feel friends/families opinions on an SO should be taken with the utmost seriousness... however, make sure they aren't making knee jerk reactions based on fear or insecurities, but they actually made an unbiased effort to get to know the person as an individual first.

[whichwayisup]

a man's friends can see what he can't see about a woman

 

I agree, but after ONE meeting there has to be abit of slack. ALL his friends and their girlfriends eyes are watching her...So I bet the nerves were acting up anyway...Plus to hear what was said through an open window seems they were just comparing looks between her and the exgf can't compare to his guy friends not liking her. They haven't given her a chance.

[TheDC]

If you had been the most beautiful girl in the world his guy friends would probably commented on how less intelligent you were compared to his last GF.

 

Guys rip on each other all the time, it's a way of showing affection (as strange as that may sound). They probably shouldn't have done that in front of the other girls. Women don't do this with one another and I think that they would misinterpret what the guys were saying.

 

Men are constantly ripping and putting each other down, that's what we do. Women have much more normal ways of showing affection for each other. Men can't do that with one another.

 

You should talk to him, but don't be surprised when he brushes it off as nothing. He isn't trying to hurt your feelings he simply doesn't see it as being as serious a thing as you.

 

If they really didn't like you they wouldn't be laughing at his expense. They would seriously tell him they didn't like you.

[zeldazelda]

just for the record...just because one guy said it and people laughed doesn't mean i am ugly and that my boyfriend hasn't seen it yet.

 

i don't think i am ugly by any means, and i am guessing my boyfriend doesn't either, not to mention all the boyfriends i had before. i may be no supermodel, but i'm not unattractive just because someone said so, and i am not going to start feeling that way simply because a jerk was trying to be funny.

 

actually the guy who said it almost never has a girlfriend and doesn't now either. maybe he is just jealous of all the guy's girlfriends.

 

but yeah, i'm not letting this make me feel bad about myself, really, i am more disturbed that this changes everything and makes things more complicated about how i feel around them.

[whichwayisup]

am more disturbed that this changes everything and makes things more complicated about how i feel around them.

 

Then don't let it be. Rise above it and get to know them next time you all are together. If you are in his life then they have to get to know you as well. Maybe you need to make the first move, invite them all over for a night of dinner and movies or something fun. I'm sure once you make the effort, and they get to know you better ALL of you can hang out and have fun.

[pennyjosix]

I've had a similar situation. My boyfriend broke up with his ex for his own reasons, but everyone knew he and i had a thing. When he and i got close to having a relationship his friends dogged him out about it. They would tell him he threw the best thing to ever happen to him in the garbage. They thought she was the BEST thing that ever happened to him. I was really good friends with most of these guys. Some of them had even tried dating me before. Sometimes boys are just idiots. His friends don't know you the way your bf does just like my bf's friends don't know me like he does. There's an intimacy in a relationship that only your significant other understands so screw his friends. Your bf knows what he has and is still with you for a reason. I just blew it off cause I know that I have done more for him than his stupid ex, and I know what I mean to my boyfriend.