Oh so complicated, looking for support. (Pessimists need not apply)

[coastallinguist]

Hello all, and thank you in advance for your support.

 

I'm here because I need support in this rough patch.

 

I've come to this forum in the past just looking to see how other people are handling their Long Distance Relationships. For some reason, I tend to get involved with girls when one of us will have to go away. Perhaps it's because they and I both try to play on an international level and that's just the nature of the beast.

 

We met in Mexico in the Summer of 2003 while both in college. I was 21, she was 18. I'm from California, she's from Northern Mexico, we're both bilingual Spanish-English. We spent a month in almost constant contact in the same dusty little town in Central Mexico, and became very good friends but nothing more. She had a boyfriend, I was only in the country for a month and a half and it never occurred to me to make a move. Time was short, but a bond was forged.

 

Fast forward to the Summer of 2005. She arrived in the town I went to school in to complete her second to last semester at the university as an exchange student, with an option to delay graduation by a year and head home after a year. She stayed with me for her first few days in the states, and it quickly became apparent that the bond remained. We had communicated once in a great while over the two years between seeing each other and a technological failure had kept us from seeing one another once. We quickly caught up, and within a few weeks a couple of glasses of wine did the trick, we lost our inhibitions, and we've been a couple since.

 

Unfortunately, to quickly graduate and move forward with her professional development and (hopefully) make reuniting easier, she chose to go back to her university after one semester. Saying goodbye was hard for us (moreso for me than her), but we made it a point not to go long periods without getting together. Although the distance is and has been extremely frustrating, we took the measures we could to get through it... bought webcams, got skype accounts, she got dsl at her apartment, and we made it work.

 

In August she came to see me for a month after two months without being in the same place. Things were amazing, we essentially lived together for that month and I couldn't have been happier (unless I liked my job more). She was also very happy and the relationship was in full bloom. I didn't want her to go, but I'm a bit preoccupied with doing things the "right" way and being honorable and not disrespecting my family or hers. We had casually discussed eloping and her emotions were probably running at fever pitch. But, she wrote a poem and posted it on her blog. I of course read it, misunderstood her word play in Spanish, and took it to mean she wanted to go home. I didn't confront her about it, and arrived home from work on the day of her planned departure and there she was with bags packed, apparently ready to go. I wanted to accompany her to Mexico, and ask her father for permission to marry his daughter, but the burial of two relatives conflicted with those plans and I chose dead family over who I hope will be the mother of my children. Mistake? I still don't know. The family SAYS it would have been okay if I hadn't gone.

 

At the airport we got all of her gels and creams and powders into the bag that would go below, checked her bag, and I walked her to the security checkpoint. With not more than a half hour before last call at the gate, I reluctantly kissed her goodbye and tried to send her on her way, still thinking of what I thought was her desire to get home to her family. I knew she was disappointed that I wouldn't be making the trip with her, but she understood that putting two relatives in the ground is somehow important. Then... as I told her she had to go, she started crying, and begged, "please don't make me go, I don't want to leave, I want to stay." and I responded, "You know you have to go, you already checked your bag, and you said you wanted to be home for your birthday." And she began to weep, grabbed on really tight and continued to plead with me not to "make" her go. I had her. She was completely mine. At that exact moment I could have said, "Then let's go to Reno, and get married." Not only would she have said yes, she would have been ecstatic. But I didn't.

 

I believed she needed to go home and do what she said she was going to do. A week and a half later with her there it had put an obvious strain on our relationship. She hadn't said anything but I could tell she was horribly disappointed that she wasn't still in California with her gringo. She had practically auditioned to be my wife--and it was a great audition, we make an amazing team--but didn't get the part. In an effort to salvage the relationship and stop a downhill slide, I made on the spot arrangements to fly to her city and surprise her. We had a great couple of days. It was my intention to talk to her father, but I felt like I couldn't get him to sit down with me. Perhaps I didn't try hard enough, or maybe he avoided me and knew what was coming. When he finally did sit down with me, he got out a photo album and showed me pictures of him proposing to his wife, and then marrying her twice--a civil union and a church wedding. I felt that he said, "this is the way we do things here." And I'm sure he was. He asked me about my religion, and didn't seem pleased with my response. (I'm not Catholic, and she was raised, but isn't practicing or interested in it.)

 

When I left, I felt like something was missing, and began planning on proposing a new life when we would be together again at the beginning of the New Year. I thought it would be appropriate (sure, a bit predictable), and had even pocketed my mother's support just a few days ago. But because of work conflicts, her family's holiday plans changed and I found myself frustrated, wanting to have her come see me. With her enrolled in a Master's program, training for a job she accepted thinking of our future together (EFL Instructor), and working full-time while living with her nuclear family (there's ALWAYS some kind of stress in a family), she's gotten more and more stressed out. There's not much I can do to make her feel better aside from listening to her. I know what she needs, and it's a hug. A kiss. And someone to hold her head to their chest and tell her it's OK. She needs one rock-solid thing in her life and I can't give that to her because I have a student loan to pay off, a full-time job, and an apartment on a lease that doesn't terminate for 5½ months. Life is getting in the way of us being together.

 

Enter the biggest complications. Frustrated and wanting some kind of consolation and/or security before heading down to Mexico (after she told me she'd not be able to come because she wouldn't have permission from her conservative father), and not wanting to worry that my offer would be refused... I started pushing her buttons. She had told me about a new male friend who had expressed interest, and assured me she had informed her that she is unavailable and committed to me, but my insecurity made me remind her that many a Mexican (latin) man cares if a woman he is interested in is in a relationship. I pushed more, asked if she's attracted to him, got semi-satisfactory answers, and then moved the grilling in a different direction, because I knew something was in there. I knew her level of interest had fallen.

 

Now, my level of interest in her has fallen and risen throughout the course of the relationship. That's just how things go. Sometimes it's overwhelming, some of the time it's underwhelming. I've never questioned her devotion to me or lacked trust, but what I was really digging for was if she still wants to be in the relationship. The phone conversation lasted four hours, and she did the crying. In retrospect, I was being kind of a jerk and should have just found out when it would be convenient for her to have me come down and gone. But I needed to know. I needed to get inside her and feel safe. As of late I am pretty alone here what with friends moving away and work being relatively uninspiring. At the end of the conversation I felt no better about US than I did. I was better informed, and understood how much her family, work, and school issues are impacting her and taking time and energy away from our relationship.

 

What hurts is that she's cultivated a new friendship with a guy who I know is interested in dating her. I trust her and KNOW that she has the respect for me to say "Babe, we need to break up, I want to date _______" if that's what she wants to do. It's not, though. I understand why she's spending time with friends and not devoting as much time to us. She needs people who are THERE. And I can't be there. She says she just doesn't want me to be upset with her if she doesn't have time for me, but still wants us to be together. She expressed to me in no uncertain terms that she wants to spend time with her friends and family in the city because she doesn't know how long it will be before she comes back home when we go away. She wants to get some of that desire to be with old friends and close family members out of her system before she has to bid them adieu, and I understand that.

 

But... what I'm afraid of is that if I give her the room she's asking for that her level of interest will slowly diminish into nothing but friendship or worse; resentment. I know I need to be supportive. I know she needs to work some of these things out on her own--family issues, she gets treated like a child at home, her father is a drunk, and she's seeing a family counselor as a result. Timing seems to be the killer here, and I only hope that my love for her can sustain the relationship long enough for her to hit an upswing before I get too frustrated. It's been my observation that falling out of love one at a time isn't necessarily what kills relationships, it's the misfortune of falling out of love at the same time. We narrowly missed the opportunity to marry and live together, but I stand firm in my belief that doing it in such a way would have only bred resentment from her family and kept her away from a city that she has an attachment to. As someone who hates where he's from, I don't need the same thing.

 

Today she told me she doesn't feel the same urgency she felt at the end of August, but expects to feel that way again, and just needs to get through this difficult time at home. She said that the best support I can give her right now is to not expect constant communication. I still don't know when I'll see her next. I think it will be the first or second week of January. If she says that there's no good time, I think it'll be a killer for the relationship. She doesn't think so. I worry. I worry that she doesn't intend to do anything with the friend, but that he'll play supportive and available and near by and offer hugs and a shoulder to cry on, and in a moment of weakness she'll be in his arms, kissing him. It makes me want to vomit... but my imagination is vivid and I can't remove the thought from my mind. It's hard... but I'm not letting this one get away so easy.

 

Sorry for the long read,

Supportive and insightful responses are appreciated.

 

On the coast with my heart in the desert,

-M

[Ssheena]

You need to talk to her and explain all this to her and if necessary, get your booty on a plane and go down and get her an bring her back.

 

You two have been apart before without you freaking out...why now? It could just be she's more than a tad pissed at you for making her go and/or not going with her and is hurt and knows that telling you about him will make you jealous.

 

Just tell her and then go get her.

[My Fair Katie]

Actually I'm both a pessimistic and a romantic, I'm in constant conflict I tells ya.

 

That said, it's so obvious you both love one another. Have you asked her if it is important to her to have you request her hand from her father first? He sounds like a bit of an asshat. Plus, his dad showed you a civil ceremony followed by the big religious shin dig? Makes me think that he eloped first as well.

 

And you should probably apologize for sounding a bit like a jerk on the phone. Even without physical intimacy you can still provide a level of support that won't send her crying into the arms of another. Seriously, life isn't getting in the way of ya'all being together, YOU are. These are your insecurities about her resenting you for making her leave. She's an adult and she's capable of making choices, you just have to present her with a choice (NOT an ultimatum).

 

Good luck linguist!

[coastallinguist]

To clarify, she says she's got so much going on that she doesn't have the energy to be a good girlfriend long-distance right now. Because of financial and contractual obligations, the earliest I can get out of here long-term is May.

 

In Mexico, for a marriage to be recognized by both society and the government, there is a civil and a (usually) Catholic ceremony to be had. Her parents had the civil wedding (which is the basic equivalent of getting a marriage license) and then didn't live together for another 6 months when they were able to have the religious ceremony. What he was trying to show me--I believe--was that there's a proper way to do it. In an email she sent me yesterday and a subsequent phone call, she told me that she didn't realize how disillusioned she got after she spent a month with me, begged me not to MAKE her leave, and then two weeks later when I paid a surprise visit for a long weekend, didn't resolve anything by talking to her dad or putting a ring on her finger.

 

I think her preference would really be to be saved and run away from her parents. In my experience just about every girl that's ever been attracted to me is in some way looking for a father figure, a teddy bear, a protector. Maybe all women are looking for something like that? To me it just seemed that since I'm a big guy, the girls who really need to feel safe and taken care of come my way.

 

Communication is one thing that generally isn't lacking for us, and she knows how I feel. I've told her everything I've told all of you. It just seems a pity that I've got my ducks in a row, am ready to run down there with a ring, and she's communicated that she doesn't think she has the energy to be that serious about US right now. What gives me lots of hope is that she says one of the reasons she feels like she needs to get her city out of her system is because she doesn't know how long we'll be away traveling and working. She seems to genuinely expect us to work in the long term.

 

This all stemmed from my insecurity in the last couple weeks, I probably should have just kept my mouth shut, gone down, and proposed. But I put up a fight, pushed for her to come see me instead of me going there, and stressed her out pretty bad. Unfortunately, now I feel like I can't ask right now. But... I believe we'll be OK.

 

In respect of her need for time and her lack of energy, I proposed that we make it a point to just talk on Sundays. It will save us both money, and give us more to talk about when we do get on the phone. I hope she calls me on Christmas.

[norajane]

I think her preference would really be to be saved and run away from her parents. In my experience just about every girl that's ever been attracted to me is in some way looking for a father figure, a teddy bear, a protector. Maybe all women are looking for something like that? To me it just seemed that since I'm a big guy, the girls who really need to feel safe and taken care of come my way.

 

Why didn't you propose and put a ring on her finger while you were down there? Just because her dad showed you pics of civil and religious ceremonies, it doesn't mean he was opposed to you getting engaged.

 

Or are you uncertain that she loves you for yourself, and think she may be just looking for a way out from her parents?

[coastallinguist]

Her dad showing me pics of civil and religious ceremonies doesn't have anything to do with me NOT proposing. It's what kept me from running us away and marrying her. I wanted to be sure it would be done correctly, in a way that would merit respect from her family and their traditions. When he showed me that stuff I took it as his request that if I had those intentions with his daughter that I understand how things are done down there. I'm not in a hurry to be married, and I'm certain that she loves me for me. I feel like what I need right now is to get a ring on her finger, and THEN give her space. But if she's in the process of *finding* herself... I wonder if I should just step aside. I worry that I might not be what's best for her, because she loves her city and ... and I just don't know.

 

She's being selfish. She didn't get what she wanted when she wanted it. I had my reservations about doing things the "right way". It bit me in the butt. She's slipping through my fingers and right now I think that if I asked, she would say something other than yes. Just typing that hurts.

[norajane]

Well, something kept you from proposing. If you wanted to talk to her father first so as to make it "proper" he gave you the opportunity to do so when he showed you the pics.

 

That would have been a perfect time to tell him that you intend to marry his daughter and would like his blessing.

 

It's better not to just run off together, but you didn't even propose or mention it at all.

 

So, something held you back from proposing.

[coastallinguist]

You're right. What held me back was that I'm nervous about it and when he did that it caught me completely off guard, I didn't expect it, and in the midst of showing me the album, asked me about religion (and he's asked me several times). Not only did he make me uncomfortable, I just wasn't ready in that exact moment, and both my girlfriend and her mother were also in the room. I sort of fashioned just he and I sitting and having a frank man to man discussion about it so I can plainly communicate to him "sir, I love your daughter with all my heart, and I want nothing more than to run away with her at this very instant, but out of respect for you and your family, your culture, religion, and traditions, and above all out of respect for her, I want to do this the right way. If she would have me, I would like to marry your daughter and give her the life she deserves, and I would like your blessing." I've been so concerned with doing things right that--for now--my window of opportunity seems to have opened and closed. But, I think it may be a good thing because her reservations about us and her desire to be in her city were probably already there. I think it's important that two people entering into marriage have their feet firmly planted on the ground and don't act only on emotion. I desire for her to be happy and for her to feel right, safe, secure, and confident about a decision to enter into a shared life with me, and I expect that she do it with a clear head. I've never felt that my head was more clear about my feelings for her.

[pennyjosix]

I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 8 months now. I understand the constant distance, and the agony it causes you when problems are going on. You want to be there, but you can't. Anything can work if you want it to. I believe if you both truly feel passion for each other then it can work. It has so far for me

[coastallinguist]

The day after my last post... I got an email from her saying she had sent me a couple text messages, that she appreciated me giving her space, and that she wanted to be with me. Got an instant message at work telling me she missed me a lot.

 

The next time we talked was Christmas Eve. She called, sounded completely genuine, told me she missed me. We kept it short.

 

Christmas Day I called her (while making the rounds calling other friends and family) and left a message wishing her and her family a Merry Christmas.

 

Two days later she calls, asks me what my intentions are in the relationship, short-term. I told her that with all this confusion, it's hard to know. I asked why, what she was getting at and she told me "you know what I'm going to do." She tells me she just doesn't feel "in love" which I can cope with. You aren't always "in love" chemically in a relationship. My frustration is with her giving up. So... I told her goodbye, essentially.

 

The next day at work, I get an instant message, and she asks "do you hate me?" Of course I tell her no, but try to keep the conversation short.

 

The next couple days she says "hi" and wants to know how I am. Honestly, I'm fine. Horribly disappointed because I believe she and I can be the team of the century... but I just tell her I'm good, because that's all she needs to know.

 

She asks me what I'm up to and I tell her I'm thinking of taking off, my aunt and uncle just invited me to move in with them in Florida rent-free for awhile so I can pay off my student loans and get out of Cali. She tells me she'd like to come visit me out there. At the same time I have to go to a meeting and she says "I mention visiting you and you take off... sorry." I told her I had to go, and that I don't want to see her under any false pretenses, and she asks "so I can't arrive as a surprise?" and I tell her no, that if she wants to do something like that, she'd better check with someone close to me to know if it's good timing or a good idea.

 

On the 29th she gets online and talks to me while I'm working (I work for a dot com, so that's why I'm always online.) After talking for a minute or two I tell her that I have to stop talking to her. That it's not fair to either of us. She says, "don't please." I tell her that when we talk, it's just like we're back together, and that it makes me feel like she's still mine. She responds that she is somehow, and that I'm still her gringo.

 

On New Year's Eve (day, technically) she called me when I was apparently already deep in sleep, so much so that I don't recall talking to her, but the phone indicates that we did talk. Yesterday she was connected at work and so was I, and I told her Happy New Year, and she tells me I've already told her that. She says (translated) "perfect... I call you and you don't remember it."

 

So... I've made the decision to move on, because I firmly believe that right now I can probably only do things to make her less interested.... or she's waiting for some grand gesture... but probably #1. So, I'm attempting to move on, and not initiating any contact. The whole NC thing seems a bit harsh.

 

I feel that the best thing I can do is begin to live my life like she's not going to be a part of it. A girl who's long been interested recently contacted me with what seems to be renewed zeal, and I think I might go on a few dates with her. Of course I'll be fair to her and be open and honest. That's ALWAYS my policy.

 

I know exactly what I want. I want her, with me, us to go out on our journeys together, through thick and thin. But I don't want a broken version of her.

 

Am I wrong to move on and stick to my guns about no contact?

 

Is it immature or callous to go ahead and date another young woman so quickly?

 

or... Am I right to send her off and not give her contact if I believe that's the best support I can give her when she seems to be searching for her identity? Am I failing this beautiful person when she needs me? Or am I making her stronger at my own emotional expense?

 

Or am I just hanging onto a relationship that didn't work out?

 

-Mike

 

ps. Thanks to those of you with positive things to say. Strange how the thread seemed to turn into being about me not proposing when I "should have."