Guest Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 My bf of 5/1/2 months told me, that, had I not had sex with him, he would have found somebody else by now. It has crushed me. I had thought that he had admiration for me as a person, in fact, he led me to believe so. I know that sex in a relationship is a big part of it for men (and women, but more so for men), but, I feel utterly crushed by this knowledge. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 Are you still with him? If so, why? If he is going to say that to you, imagine what else he could possibly tell you later down the road, that you "need" to do or else. Link to post Share on other sites
typical Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 My bf of 5/1/2 months told me, that, had I not had sex with him, he would have found somebody else by now. Well, if nothing else, you must appreciate his honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 He probably does admire you as a person. But, at the same time, he wants to have sex with the woman he's dating. You must have wanted to have sex with him, too, or you wouldn't have. The only thing that's different now that you know this, is you know he's not the kind of guy who will wait indefinitely to have sex with someone he's dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 Are you still with him? If so, why? If he is going to say that to you, imagine what else he could possibly tell you later down the road, that you "need" to do or else. No, it wasn't quite like that. He wasn't threatening me with leaving me or anything if I didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 Well, if nothing else, you must appreciate his honesty. LOL, yes, I already told him that. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 He probably does admire you as a person. But, at the same time, he wants to have sex with the woman he's dating. You must have wanted to have sex with him, too, or you wouldn't have. The only thing that's different now that you know this, is you know he's not the kind of guy who will wait indefinitely to have sex with someone he's dating. I agree, however, sometimes people should just keep their mouths shut. Its one thing to think it but another to say it. Sure he might have been honest, and earned him a place on the honesty list for telling her, but now she is worried by him saying what he said. She may have wanted to have sex with him, but once he told her that, it was probably more along the lines of she felt obligated to or he would find another. If someone is going to tell you, to have sex with me or I might as well get it from someone else, thats probably an open door for worse things down the road to happen IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 He probably does admire you as a person. But, at the same time, he wants to have sex with the woman he's dating. You must have wanted to have sex with him, too, or you wouldn't have. Yes, of course I wanted to. I also would have waited. The only thing that's different now that you know this, is you know he's not the kind of guy who will wait indefinitely to have sex with someone he's dating. Yes, I see what you are saying. Perhaps I am being overly sensitive about this, I just took it that he probably didn't think I was good enough to wait for. I don't know if it is so extreme to take it this way. Perhaps I wanted to take it this way too. I am having some trouble with the neccessary commitment to this. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 I agree, however, sometimes people should just keep their mouths shut. Its one thing to think it but another to say it. Sure he might have been honest, and earned him a place on the honesty list for telling her, but now she is worried by him saying what he said. She may have wanted to have sex with him, but once he told her that, it was probably more along the lines of she felt obligated to or he would find another. If someone is going to tell you, to have sex with me or I might as well get it from someone else, thats probably an open door for worse things down the road to happen IMO. Well yes. It has certainly made me a little worried to have sex with him, and made me feel less relaxed with him in conversation. I feel as though by having sex with him now, I am "giving" something to him rather than sharing something. I don't know why I feel this way. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 Well yes. It has certainly made me a little worried to have sex with him, and made me feel less relaxed with him in conversation. I feel as though by having sex with him now, I am "giving" something to him rather than sharing something. I don't know why I feel this way. I understand. I'm just trying to offer a different perspective that would allow you to accept what he said without taking it personally or feeling bad about it. You can still think of it as sharing...if you weren't sharing this with him, he might feel like you didn't want him, or weren't into him, or weren't turned on by him... See what I mean? You could feel insecure - and probably do, which is why this is bothering you. Or you could choose to feel differently about what he said. You know whether your relationship is good and how comfortable you feel. If this is causing issues, there are probably other things about your relationship that are making you a little insecure or uneasy, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 I understand. I'm just trying to offer a different perspective that would allow you to accept what he said without taking it personally or feeling bad about it. You can still think of it as sharing...if you weren't sharing this with him, he might feel like you didn't want him, or weren't into him, or weren't turned on by him... See what I mean? You could feel insecure - and probably do, which is why this is bothering you. Or you could choose to feel differently about what he said. You know whether your relationship is good and how comfortable you feel. If this is causing issues, there are probably other things about your relationship that are making you a little insecure or uneasy, I think. Yes thankyou. I do appreciate an alternative perspective, and especially from an intelligent person, so thankyou. I think that is true, there are other issues. I am scared to commit anyway, and this has only made things more difficult. I do not wish to be vulnerable at this point in my life, as I have some things to deal with. Rather than making me feel that he was being honest, it made me feel that he was previously being dishonest. This may not be true, and I realise that things should not be viewed in black and white, but, I do feel more insecure now. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 No, it wasn't quite like that. He wasn't threatening me with leaving me or anything if I didn't. Then what exactly did he mean by his comment then? He saying pretty much just that. In other words, had you not had sex with him when you did, he would have found another. So its kind of like "Whew good thing you had sex with me when you did, or I was about to find someone who would." I can see why this bothers you and it should, his character is speaking volumes right now. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 My bf of 5/1/2 months told me, that, had I not had sex with him, he would have found somebody else by now. It has crushed me. I had thought that he had admiration for me as a person, in fact, he led me to believe so. I know that sex in a relationship is a big part of it for men (and women, but more so for men), but, I feel utterly crushed by this knowledge. You know there are some things that guys should just keep to themselves. What was the point of him telling you that other then arguing about it? Did he mean something by that or was he talking with his mouth open and he's ears shut? Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 My bf of 5/1/2 months told me, that, had I not had sex with him, he would have found somebody else by now. It has crushed me. I had thought that he had admiration for me as a person, in fact, he led me to believe so. I know that sex in a relationship is a big part of it for men (and women, but more so for men), but, I feel utterly crushed by this knowledge. Congratulations, you have found a fairly honest man. But if you wanna dump him and find a dishonest purveyor of platitudes who will let you down by showing his true colours a couple of years down the line, then by all means go ahead, by my guest. Let's turn the tables a second. Imagine if you had told him "If you were inconsiderate and hadn't treated me nice, I would have left you." True, right? So, wouldn't he be entitled to feel ****ty about you? Well - if sex is important, nay essential, in a relationship, what's wrong with admitting that fact? Sex is just as important as consideration, otherwise we'd marry friends not lovers. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 Well yes. It has certainly made me a little worried to have sex with him, and made me feel less relaxed with him in conversation. I feel as though by having sex with him now, I am "giving" something to him rather than sharing something. I don't know why I feel this way. So you think it's bad for someone to want sex? Would you be ok if he decided he didn't want sex with you anymore, and decided to have a celibate platonic relationship with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 Are you still with him? If so, why? If he is going to say that to you, imagine what else he could possibly tell you later down the road, that you "need" to do or else. I'm going to assume that the sex wasn't forced, so the "or else" was entirely in the OP's hands. Why do you feel "crushed" by his honest sexual interest in you? It's a part of most adult relationships. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 I understand how guys should be honest but don't you think that there is such a thing as TOO honest. Some things should not be said because it's not necessary to say them. That would be like me telling my H that if he wasn't good in bed then I would have dumped him. If that was true, I wouldn't have said it. Why? Because it probably would have made him second guess why I was with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 That would be like me telling my H that if he wasn't good in bed then I would have dumped him. If that was true, I wouldn't have said it. Why? Because it probably would have made him second guess why I was with him. Actually, if I was your husband, and you hadn't dumped me, I would take that as proof that I was good in bed. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
che_jesse Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 In the first stages of a relationship, 2 or 3 months into it, you do not know enough about each other to form any sort of opinion about the others character at all, you just know that you get along well enough. In his thinking there are plenty of girls that he can get along with that put out, its really not meant to be an insult to you, just back then when he only a few things to base his decision on, that was one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 My bf's said kind of the same thing to me, but he expounded on the meaning behind it. Basically, in his mind sex is essential. Like food. You can go for a while without food, but not forever. And if there was no guarantee of sex in the future, then it wasn't a relationship he wished to stay in. Not that I wasn't a great and wonderful person, but that sex was something he needs in order to feel loved, appreciated, cared about. WIthout it, he wouldn't feel that I wanted to be there. He wouldn't feel special. So if we had never had sex... he wouldn't still be in a relationship with me. Majority of the men on LS have the same feeling toward sex. It's something that shows to the man that they are loved and needed. Not just used as a wallet and emotional tampon. So I'm not sure your bf was intentionally trying to be an ass.. I think it just came out that way. Some guys are kind of limited in their understanding of women's brains, and they say stupid stuff. You are special to him, or he wouldn't still be with you. Try to understand how important sex is to a man from his view point. And then read between the lines a little bit. If you still aren't sure, or still having problems, ask him some quesitons about what sex means to him while in a relationship. What feelings it evokes in him, how he interprets the act with someone he cares about. Link to post Share on other sites
Love Hurts Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 My bf of 5/1/2 months told me, that, had I not had sex with him, he would have found somebody else by now. It has crushed me. I had thought that he had admiration for me as a person, in fact, he led me to believe so. I know that sex in a relationship is a big part of it for men (and women, but more so for men), but, I feel utterly crushed by this knowledge. Lust or Love You know now its NOT love. Love is patient and not forceful. The comment he made ....tells you how cheap your relationship is. He just needed a place to hang out. You simply satisfy him. When he is tired of you….he will move on to the next female and so on. One day down the road he will search for a female that isn’t so easy. I am sorry for you… you had to hear that. A male will try any trick in the book to get a female in bed. Its up to her to slam the door in his face. What is valued and what is not? You are valued in body only. The person inside the body……is not valued. That’s you. Get over him fast,let go before he is finished with you and your dumped. Love is not holding him and free sex...... is everywhere and anywhere. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
orangehose Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 It's hard to put a value on what the OP's boyfriend said without knowing the whole story... He could be a great guy who was just saying something honest on the fly... But it makes me wonder, how honest are guys in general about wanting sex? I was dating a guy who didn't, in a year, ask me to have sex or even bring up the subject. We had "other" sexual activities so I assumed he would bring up the subject if he was unsatisfied... but now I'm wondering, because his interest in physicality trailed off by the end, and I'm thinking that perhaps he didn't want to bring up the subject or demand anything. Honesty would have been preferable in those circumstances... Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 24, 2006 Share Posted December 24, 2006 My bf of 5/1/2 months told me, that, had I not had sex with him, he would have found somebody else by now. It has crushed me. I had thought that he had admiration for me as a person, in fact, he led me to believe so. I know that sex in a relationship is a big part of it for men (and women, but more so for men), but, I feel utterly crushed by this knowledge. What if this isn't a reflection of anything peculiar about your boyfriend, but is instead a simple clarification of his wanting to sense that any woman he is dating should be, by 5 1/2 months into the relationship, comfortable enough in his company to make herself that vulnerable to him? Maybe he, in a way, would be grading any significant other not on her physical focal points as much as on her ability to express her comfort with him as a partner. Others certainly have different standards but I don't see anything wrong with that. (although I'm sure you could severely compromise your own happiness by remaining so stirred-up over this) Link to post Share on other sites
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