Is it possible to be addicted to a person?

[Guest]

Has anyone out there ever felt like they were addicted to a person?

 

Is it even possible to have a physical addiction to someone?

 

My ex broke up with me 2 years ago. Even though we had a volatile, on and off relationship for 7 years, I was still devastated. (I don't know if it was the way we broke up--I caught him in OUR house with the b**** he was cheating on me with, all the lies that I realized our so-called relationship was built on, or all the residual pain he caused me--He got me pregnant 4 times, and basically made me have 4 abortions, because he "wasn't ready for kids", even though he had 2 already from previous relationships).

 

After having NC with him for a while, he called me 10 months ago, wanting to get back together. He seemed appologetic and sincere for all the bull**** he put me through, but i wasn't completely convinced. In the end, i was right, because i began to uncover more and more of his lies, and discovered he had a girlfriend

(even though he denied he was with anyone--and yes, it was the same chick he had cheated on me with 2 years ago). I told him to make a choice-It was either me or her, and he picked her. Again, he had left me hurt, angry, confused, and an emotional wreck. We've talked a few times since then(he initiated all the contacts) and he said he wanted to maintain a friendship with me since we've "been through so much with each other".

 

Even though i know what an a**hole he is i still want him. I keep holding on to the hope that everything will work out with us, and we'll end up being together again.

 

When i don't talk to him, i feel anxious, sad, and depressed. All i can think about is when i will talk to or see him again. We really don't have anything to talk about anymore, but i have called him many times for some bull**** reason, just so i can hear his voice. Once i talk to him, my body becomes calm, and i feel like i can function like a normal person again. A few days later, it starts all over again--I can't sleep, eat or concentrate on anything until i have contact with him again. This has been going on since June, and I don't know what to do. In a strange way, I feel like an addict. All my physical symptoms (headache, nausea, anxiety) immediately go away as soon as i am with him. I know he isn't good for me, but he is the only thing/person that makes me feel better.

 

Could something be going on in my brain that makes me want something that is so bad for me?

Is it possible that i am addicted to him or our disfunctional "relationship"?

Has anyone else felt the physical pain of wanting someone so bad?

Is it possible to be addicted to a person?

[MagnoliaJane]

Perhaps by keeping in touch with him you keep all your unprocessed trauma at a distance? Perhaps all that trauma is what causing your anxiety, restlessness, depression...? Because you are not working through it, but it still is there.

 

By hanging on to the hope that one day in the future things become ok again with the ex you might have a sense that all this pain has had a purpose, has been worth it... Sort of like a post-traumatic stress protection.

 

It seems life has been very hard on you... As a woman, I can't even begin to imagine how unbearable 4 abortions must have been...

 

It is definitely a step in the right direction to talk about all this. Have you been able to talk about this with someone else before posting here?

 

Unfortunately, he cannot or will not make any of your pain go away. The only one who can help you is you. Be kind and gentle on yourself. Take some time away from this man to think about YOU, and YOU only. Take all the time it takes. Seeing a counsellor might help also. Post on LS. We are here to listen and write back.

 

Hang in there! My woman's heart goes out to you.

[Spinderella]

I agree with Magnolia-Jane. It could be that you are putting off dealing with the pain of moving through this. Anxiety can also arise with change. Perhaps when you are coming to the point of accepting this and moving on you panic, because, you don't know what you would have without this, or what emotions you would be left with. Maybe partially a fear of the unknown. I have experienced this within a relationship too, and I think alot of people do. Sometimes we invest alot of hope into relationships, and bury some unresolved pain in them, and when it comes to ending them or moving on, we are faced with all that we find scary to deal with. When somebody leaves you and that is it, you are forced to face those demons, and whilst it can be tremendously painful, at least we have to get through it, and over it. The hardest thing, I think, is when somebody gives you the option (or encourages you), to hang on to hope of the relationship continuing. When this happens, you have to summon up almighty strength to actually propell yourself through the turmoil of moving on and facing that pain. Actually, as with most things in life, the fear of doing it, is worse than actually doing it. How about trying to go past the panic stage, and seeing what happens? You may find that once you are free, you actually feel stronger. That is what usually happens.

[Kinger25]

I think that your ex is actually Creating these feelings. He has control over you and he knows it. He knows that you love him and he knows that each time he chooses the other girl over you, your heart breaks and to some extent he enjoys watching this happen to you.

 

Everytime he rings you he implements an element of hope into your life. Then you dont hear from him again for a while and that hope starts to fade so you contact him and again he installs some faith in you that everything is going to work out fine, when actually its really not. He is playing you and it is your contact with him that is pushing these feelings to the forefront.

 

Its not "him" your addicted to its the contact with him and the memories. You must be strong and force yourself into Non Contact for at least 1 year. You will feel much better then, trust me.

[Guest]

Perhaps by keeping in touch with him you keep all your unprocessed trauma at a distance? Perhaps all that trauma is what causing your anxiety, restlessness, depression...? Because you are not working through it, but it still is there.

 

By hanging on to the hope that one day in the future things become ok again with the ex you might have a sense that all this pain has had a purpose, has been worth it... Sort of like a post-traumatic stress protection.

 

It seems life has been very hard on you... As a woman, I can't even begin to imagine how unbearable 4 abortions must have been...

 

It is definitely a step in the right direction to talk about all this. Have you been able to talk about this with someone else before posting here?

 

Unfortunately, he cannot or will not make any of your pain go away. The only one who can help you is you. Be kind and gentle on yourself. Take some time away from this man to think about YOU, and YOU only. Take all the time it takes. Seeing a counsellor might help also. Post on LS. We are here to listen and write back.

 

Hang in there! My woman's heart goes out to you.

Magnolia Jane,---------------------------------------------------

Yes, i have always felt that i went through all this s*** for a reason--That me and him would eventually be happy. That's why i dealt with him for so long. When i have talked to my friends about him, they all say i'm better off without him-he's moved on and i should just go out and meet someone and move on too,but it's not that easy. As for all the abortions, i talked to 1 person about it. She said i did the right thing, because it's better not to have any children at all then to bring kids into a bad situation and expose them to the parents' problems & psychologically damaging them. I've tried talking to him, thinking he would have some feelings about HIS children being aborted, but he never gave a damn. All he would say is "women have abortions all the time and they get over it". He would say i was blaming him for MY decision, that i was just as copable, and he was tired of "hearing about it".

 

I don't know how to work through all of this. During the summer, i went out of town for about a month to clear my head. It did seem to help alot, being 300 miles away from him, his girlfriend, and all his bull****. But i ended up seeing him a few days after i got back and all my feelings of hurt and sadness came back. I don't want to keep going out of town everytime i feel overwhelmed, but i don't know what else to do --besides post here

[Guest]

I agree with Magnolia-Jane. It could be that you are putting off dealing with the pain of moving through this. Anxiety can also arise with change. Perhaps when you are coming to the point of accepting this and moving on you panic, because, you don't know what you would have without this, or what emotions you would be left with. Maybe partially a fear of the unknown. I have experienced this within a relationship too, and I think alot of people do. Sometimes we invest alot of hope into relationships, and bury some unresolved pain in them, and when it comes to ending them or moving on, we are faced with all that we find scary to deal with. When somebody leaves you and that is it, you are forced to face those demons, and whilst it can be tremendously painful, at least we have to get through it, and over it. The hardest thing, I think, is when somebody gives you the option (or encourages you), to hang on to hope of the relationship continuing. When this happens, you have to summon up almighty strength to actually propell yourself through the turmoil of moving on and facing that pain. Actually, as with most things in life, the fear of doing it, is worse than actually doing it. How about trying to go past the panic stage, and seeing what happens? You may find that once you are free, you actually feel stronger. That is what usually happens.

 

Spinderella,---------------------------------------------------------------

I did go through the panic stage--I didn't deal with him at all for about a year. Then he started calling me out of no where & telling me he wanted a relationship with me again. At that point in time, i was good-I had a good job i enjoyed, good friends & family members around me, and i could care less about him. But, after he started telling me how he had missed me & loved me, i began to have feelings for him again, thinking things would work out. Now, i don't think i can go through that stage again. I want to get over him, but it seems like im degressing, and it's affecting every aspect of my life. I tried to hang out with friends and meet other guys, but no one else makes me as happy as he does & i dont understand it.

[RecordProducer]

It's interesting that you're comparing this with addiction. However, you're simply in love and need to get over him. Many people have experienced this. You need to stop contacting him and disallow him to communicate with you. It will be hard at the beginning, but your love will be given space to fade out.

 

He is toxic for you so you need to get him out of your system. Even if you would end up together, he will always be a liar and a cheater. You deserve better. Don't communicate with him anymore and concentrate on getting over him.

 

Your problem is that you can't stand the pain. The rest of us who have been through this have partially realized that break-ups hurt and that we WILL get over sooner or later. But you indulge your urge to call him and at the moment it seem like the only option. As long as you can dial the phone, you can get your fix. Stop the vicious cycle right now and help yourself move on.

[Guest]

I think that your ex is actually Creating these feelings. He has control over you and he knows it. He knows that you love him and he knows that each time he chooses the other girl over you, your heart breaks and to some extent he enjoys watching this happen to you.

 

Everytime he rings you he implements an element of hope into your life. Then you dont hear from him again for a while and that hope starts to fade so you contact him and again he installs some faith in you that everything is going to work out fine, when actually its really not. He is playing you and it is your contact with him that is pushing these feelings to the forefront.

 

Its not "him" your addicted to its the contact with him and the memories. You must be strong and force yourself into Non Contact for at least 1 year. You will feel much better then, trust me.

 

Kinger,--------------------------------------------------------

I did have no contact with him for about a year, and you're right, i did feel much better. His phone number was even disconnected during this time, and i was actually happy about it, because i knew i would not be able to contact him anymore, since i had no other number to reach him at. Then, he calls me one day out of the blue, saying he loved me and wanted to get back together with me. He then gave me his new phone number. I didn't want to take it, but he started acting all crazy until i programmed it into my cell

phone. I've already been through non contact for 1 year with him, but i regressed back into it, and i don't know how to go through it again--I am stressed both mentally and physically.

You said i was addicted to his contact and memories, but why would i be addicted to such bad memories?

[MagnoliaJane]

It seems you will have to make some tough decisions...

 

Think about a sense of purpose in your life for you and just you. Where would you like your life to go (without him)? Then take little steps in that direction.

 

It seems right now you are caught in the meaninglessness of all this. Try to gather the power to create a sense of direction. It doesn't have to be a 180 degree turn. But don't stop trying.

 

Try to see yourself as a person who is independent from the image you get thrown back at you from your ex.

 

It's clear he will not deal with your problems. He might throw some scraps of attention along your way and life at times can be so lonely that we might be willing to accept these scraps, but in the long run it's really not worth to be heartbroken over and over again.

 

Set a goal, for instance: no contact whatsoever with this man for the next 3 months. In the meanwhile, focus on your own thoughts and feelings. You need to create enough space and distance to give yourself a chance to get out of this trap you created for yourself.

 

The keyword is healing. You need to give yourself a chance to heal from this.

[Guest]

It's interesting that you're comparing this with addiction. However, you're simply in love and need to get over him. Many people have experienced this. You need to stop contacting him and disallow him to communicate with you. It will be hard at the beginning, but your love will be given space to fade out.

 

He is toxic for you so you need to get him out of your system. Even if you would end up together, he will always be a liar and a cheater. You deserve better. Don't communicate with him anymore and concentrate on getting over him.

 

Your problem is that you can't stand the pain. The rest of us who have been through this have partially realized that break-ups hurt and that we WILL get over sooner or later. But you indulge your urge to call him and at the moment it seem like the only option. As long as you can dial the phone, you can get your fix. Stop the vicious cycle right now and help yourself move on.

 

Record Producer,-----------------------------------

I've tried to move on for the last 6 months, but it seems like it's getting worse, not any better. I dont love him; when i think about all the s*** he's done, it makes me sick. I hate him, but at the same time i want to be with him. I don't know, i probably sound f***ed up in the head, but i really do feel like a drug addict--The person might hate the drug and all the devastation it caused in their life, but somehow they still want it, desire it, or need it. And that's how i feel about him.

[Guest]

It seems you will have to make some tough decisions...

 

Think about a sense of purpose in your life for you and just you. Where would you like your life to go (without him)? Then take little steps in that direction.

 

It seems right now you are caught in the meaninglessness of all this. Try to gather the power to create a sense of direction. It doesn't have to be a 180 degree turn. But don't stop trying.

 

Try to see yourself as a person who is independent from the image you get thrown back at you from your ex.

 

It's clear he will not deal with your problems. He might throw some scraps of attention along your way and life at times can be so lonely that we might be willing to accept these scraps, but in the long run it's really not worth to be heartbroken over and over again.

 

Set a goal, for instance: no contact whatsoever with this man for the next 3 months. In the meanwhile, focus on your own thoughts and feelings. You need to create enough space and distance to give yourself a chance to get out of this trap you created for yourself.

 

The keyword is healing. You need to give yourself a chance to heal from this.

 

Thanks for listening!! It's really helping me right now!!

[Spinderella]

You had no contact for a year and you felt better, therefore, you know that the results would be worthwhile.

Perhaps you needed to justify in your head why you gave tht happiness up for him, and this has now become a pattern. It is only a habit, and can be given up as easily as you deciding to do it. All you need to do is change the way you are thinking about it. Rather than telling yourself that you are addicted to him, tell yourself that you are over him.

Rather than telling yourself you are weak, tell yourself you are strong. Throw his number away, nobody is forcing you to hang on to it.

You say that talking to him makes you happy, yet you are writing about it in an advice forum. Something about the situation is not making you happy, therefore you need to change it.

[bulletin85]

I know exactly how you feel. My ex is similar to that, although he didn't cheat on me. We were together on and off or 4 years, and the last time we broke up was September 2005. We were still pretty much together after that (long time to be "unofficially a couple"), he became more of an ass****, he became abusive, he admitted that he was abusive, cleaned up his act, asked me to give him a chance (and threatened this guy who liked me that they'd fight if he didn't back off!), and then - after starting to get used to the idea of being away from him, and being good about it for a few months - I decided to give him a chance. A couple of months later, he told me that he didn't want a relationship now or "anytime in the near future". What a load of BS, and what a waste of time. He treats me like sh**, and I know I can do much better, but I still go back to him in the end. I feel horrible without him but I'm breaking this cycle - New Years resolution! I honestly hope I get through it this time. I figure it's like the quote "sometimes you got to get sick before you can feel better" (Frank Zappa). I'll take it like quitting cigarettes or something else addictive - I'll feel much healthier in the end.

 

Let me know if you ever want to talk! Or if you come up with an ingenius plan of How To Leave.

 

- b