karlesa Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 I just can't believe what is happening! I am willing to do anything to make our marriage work and she doesn't want to. She said we can try, but she doesn't do anything to re-kindle our love. I feel like i am doing all of the work. We still make love, or i should say i make love to her, but it is like having sex with a mannican! Any ideas on whether or not i should continue or should i just stop trying and leave up to her? Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 I just can't believe what is happening! I am willing to do anything to make our marriage work and she doesn't want to. She said we can try, but she doesn't do anything to re-kindle our love. I feel like i am doing all of the work. We still make love, or i should say i make love to her, but it is like having sex with a mannican! Any ideas on whether or not i should continue or should i just stop trying and leave up to her? Yes... you should keep trying... but do it smart.. There are books out there... that will assist you... Light her fire... (google it) full of tips.. to reignight... love and passion.. Divorce Busting.... full of good info... there are so many... Also... figure out.. what bothers.. her... and do something differnent. Read read read.... If she has not moved out... is willing to go to MC... you have a good shot... at saving this.... but you have to be smart... and proactive... K... Link to post Share on other sites
Author karlesa Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 Yes she moved into an apartment with my step-daughters. She doesn't know what she wants. I believe when she knows she can afford to live on her own we will be history. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 Yes she moved into an apartment with my step-daughters. She doesn't know what she wants. I believe when she knows she can afford to live on her own we will be history. I'll tell you my little secret... (not my own but I stole it from some book somewhere.. ) "expect the worse...but... hope for the best" There is no guarantees.. None.... but lying down and giving up... will lead to what you don't want for sure.... Its like Not playing the lottery.... you will not win for sure.. I recommend you read.. some of the other threads on here from the start to the finish... Chad.. PW.. Do3.. CC... my own... we are all or have gone through what you are.... You will see some real changes in attitude... and that come with time,,, and reading... and getting to know You... again.... This is not an easy road... and as Gunny says... its the high road.. the harder path.... but... you will soon see... whether you and your DW reconcile or not.... you will forever be changed... because you will learn what you are made of..... and that is a gift in itself.... Stay strong.. and get to work... finding out your part in your break up... K.. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author karlesa Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 Thanks for the kind words. You know what is killing me the most? There was a time when i prayed to God that i would find someone like my wife, and he delivered. Now she wants to leave and i am trying to figure out if this is God's plan for me. Wish i knew what his will is for me in all of this. Wasn't there a song by the J. Geils Band called "love stinks"? Link to post Share on other sites
Delarocha Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 karlesa, I am going through the same exact thing you are at the moment. One key difference that makes my situation seem worse is the fact that my wife is living separated from me right now. (As of this week.) The thing that breaks my heart is I don't think at the moment she wants to try and make us work. She knows that I am very hopeful and she doesn't want to give me false hope. (Her words). She is actually here right now, upstairs talking to her brother on the phone. She is coming back home to have the holidays here with her family. I am of course invited. All that said, I AM in fact hopeful for the future. However, I am trying to prepare myself for the worst. I too prayed to God that I would someday meet someone like my wife. I feel it's not God's fault she is not "in love" with me anymore, but OUR fault as a couple. I caused some of it, she caused some of it. The fact is, it IS what it IS... and I can either deal with it or I can mope around and be sad all the time. Right now, I am sad... of course... it's HARD to hear your wife tell you she doesn't KNOW if she wants to be together. If I am not strong, and don't present the side of me that really shows who I am (however) I will always regret it. So, I am going to continue hoping. I am going to hope that in time she does WANT to make us work. I am going to hope that I will reach my goal of being strong and changed regardless of the outcome. If it happened today (her deciding not to be with me) I would honestly not be able to handle it. All I know is she wants to see a marriage counselor with me. I have gone back and forth as to what that means, especially when she tells me she doesn't know if she wants to try. I don't THINK she has come out and told me yet that she does NOT want to try. (And I am trying to not PUSH her to give me that answer, because if I push the answer will be NO.) I am giving her space, letting her think, telling her I am here to talk, telling her not to worry about my feelings... It's rough, it sucks hearing, "I love you and care about you, but don't know if I want to make this work." So, hopefully the first goal through counseling will be for her to discover what she wants. I already know I WANT to make this work... Link to post Share on other sites
Author karlesa Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 Your wife sounds exactly like the way my wife is acting. It really sucks! I have decided to hope for the best, but to expect the worse. I have implemented a game plan. I have decided that i am going to put the ball in her court. I am tired of doing all the work in trying to "make it work". I have stopped calling her, she can start calling me. I have stopped making "date" arrangements. If she wants to do something she can set it up. I am going to do the things i want with my friends and not invite her. I am moving on! " When the going get"s tough, the tough get going!" I am done being sad and feeling sorry for myself. We both are to blame, but she is the one that doesn't want make this work. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 Your wife sounds exactly like the way my wife is acting. It really sucks! I have decided to hope for the best, but to expect the worse. I have implemented a game plan. I have decided that i am going to put the ball in her court. I am tired of doing all the work in trying to "make it work". I have stopped calling her, she can start calling me. I have stopped making "date" arrangements. If she wants to do something she can set it up. I am going to do the things i want with my friends and not invite her. I am moving on! " When the going get"s tough, the tough get going!" I am done being sad and feeling sorry for myself. We both are to blame, but she is the one that doesn't want make this work. Thats a great start and game plan... Also helps you rebuild or maintain your dignity... something that tends to take a crushing hit.. when this happens.. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Delarocha Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 Your wife sounds exactly like the way my wife is acting. It really sucks! I have decided to hope for the best, but to expect the worse. I have implemented a game plan. I have decided that i am going to put the ball in her court. I am tired of doing all the work in trying to "make it work". I have stopped calling her, she can start calling me. I have stopped making "date" arrangements. If she wants to do something she can set it up. I am going to do the things i want with my friends and not invite her. I am moving on! " When the going get"s tough, the tough get going!" I am done being sad and feeling sorry for myself. We both are to blame, but she is the one that doesn't want make this work. Yep, amazing how similar it sounds my man. My wife just left here to go to the store (like I said, we are separated but doing xmas here.) and I had a mini breakdown. While she was HERE I was unbelievably confident and content with "I'm ok no matter how this works out." At the same time its tough being the side that definitely WANTS to try while the other person either doesn't or doesn't know. The only thing that gets me through these little breakdowns... Which I have learned to control. I have learned to NOT show her them. (Which feels awesome). Is calling my brother (or a close friend) and explaining my fear. He said to me this, "Do you think there is anything you can do that will make her WANT to try to work things out?" Obviously a rhetorical question that I indeed know the answer to, I said "No," His response was, "Then stop obsessing over it, operate under the assumption that she DOES want to try and keep doing what you're doing. The fact is if it's the other case (She doesn't want to try) there is nothing you can do." I think it was great advice. I think you letting go and moving on will be HUGE for your own happiness. I am happy for you that you've made that decision. Unfortunately for me, not there yet. Hell I wish you were in the same area as me, we'd go have a few beers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author karlesa Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 I feel your pain brother. I wish you lived in Neenah, Wisconsin. (where i live). We could go out and watch the Packer game tonight, suck a few beers and discuss our dilemna with each other. Whatever you do don't lose your dignity for her. Do not beg or plead which is probably what she wants you to do. If you do this she wins. I know how bad you want her back, but the sad truth is she is going to do what she wants regardless of what you say or do. Give her some time. Try to forget about her and enjoy yourself buy doing things you like to do. Things will work out. You don't know what God has in store for you. This may be a blessing in disguise. Hang in there. I'll chat with you later. I am glad there are people to talk about things like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 I don't want to sound pessimistic or make you guys feel bad, but there is something important you need to understand. Generally speaking: More often than not when a woman initiates a seperation, it's because there is someone else in the picture. They will often use the expressions "I need to find myself" "I'm confused" "it's not you, it's me" "I'm love you but not in love with you" and so on. These are almost always clear indicators that someone else is lighting their fire, perhaps not physically yet, but at least the interest is there. Another fact is that more than half the men that experince this never even know that their wives were unfaithful. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Delarocha Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 More often than not when a woman initiates a seperation, it's because there is someone else in the picture. They will often use the expressions "I need to find myself" "I'm confused" "it's not you, it's me" "I'm love you but not in love with you" and so on. These are almost always clear indicators that someone else is lighting their fire, perhaps not physically yet, but at least the interest is there. Another fact is that more than half the men that experince this never even know that their wives were unfaithful. Good luck! I understand what you're trying to say. But my current situation has nothing to do with us trusting one another. I know this is a bold statement, and nobody ever knows for sure. But there is no other person... Just not a worry in my case... I may still find myself apart from my wife at the end of the day (metaphorically), but it won't be because of some other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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