best friends/roommates/platonic?

[coaster1026]

I'm female; my male roommate and I met several years ago through mutual friends; we were all in early 20's and partied, he and I "hooked up" every once in a while. But then we became closer as friends, and at one point hung out everyday for over a year, but there was nothing sexual about it. I eventually felt so much in love with him and didn't know what to do. I sord of told him once in an indirect way (email) so we never really discussed it. Finally he got back together with his ex girlfriend so I knew it was time to let go. I cried for days. They lived together, got engaged, I didn't see or speak to him for 3 yrs. or so. We sporadically started calling each other on holidays and such, ran into each other at a wedding, etc. I also started hearing rumors that his relationship was on the rocks. One night, out of the blue, he called and we met for a bite to eat. It was a kind of awkward; then I got called away by a friend. It was as though he wanted to tell me or ask me something. Shortly after he told me that he and Beth had broken up and she moved out. A couple more months went by, then he had an idea that we should be roommates. For "financial" reasons and also because we always got along so well. I agreed cuz i was tired of living alone and couldn't afford it anymore. Plus we had always had a lot of fun together. But being years later, I was well over the love thing. or so I thought. We've lived together 6 mos. now. It's awkward if one of us has a date over; which it's usually him doing that, not me as much. At the beginning, he said why don't we get a house when the lease is up. Why would want to do that with someone you are not dating? He openly says he wants to find a wife. He does these things where he gets close enough to invade my personal space, like hovering over me to help me with something on the computer, etc. When I said I get cold he says I need someone to hold me. But we never do anything social together because we have opposite schedules. He goes with his buds a lot and seems to enjoy the single life; claims the girls he dates are only temporary satisfaction. He's brought up the house a couple other times but I always blow off the topic. The catch is, he also has teen children that visit us on weekends; in a house they'd be there all the time. I love them and all; it's like I gained a family; but do I have a right to feel as though he's trying to use me as a step-mother/wife so he can enjoy being a bachelor too? If he wanted more, wouldn't he have said so or is he as afraid as I am? One day, he even joked that he would marry me. If he only sees this all as strictly a platonic situation of convenience, I'd look like a fool to suggest that he might want more? We have 7 mos. left on the lease. It's kind of hard to wait and see and if something "naturally" happens...any advice very much appreciated!

[wetspockette]

you poor girl, I know how you feel. Guys are jackasses always wanting their cake and to eat it too. I really don't know what to say. Just ask him directly. I hate mixing words with people, and even if I'm avoiding talking to someone directly about my emotions. There comes a point and time where you gotta embrace your inner supergirl, and just blurt it out. And as soon as it is out... you just have to follow through and not chicken out.

 

Say- Look I'm not a subsitute everytime your free from some broad, I need us to have some boundries because half the time I'm confused and not exactly sure what type of relationship we have.

 

I mean if he can't understand where your coming from in saying that... then perhaps he needs a more rude awakening.

[cbstyles69]

sounds like your guy friend might be having a 3 year old second thought. on the same note and comming from my experience, two friends that have hidden feelings for eachother usually hide them for one reason: fear of losing friendship or rejection from a friend can be harder then rejection from someone you barely know. i just went thru this with a best friend of 11 years. although my situation didnt turn out so well, i'm sure your friendship of what u've explained could or maybe not. i think in my situation we both started out with jokes about being with eachother. joking about getting married. and everytime we joked about this we made verbal note that we were just joking untill one day i told her i wasnt joking. she accepted, but there was more to the story. she has a boyfriend in which they have a child together. this being in the way made this situation turn out bad. i think if we were both single we could have had a beautiful relationship together. i could see in your case since u live together this could create an awquard living situation. i feel that life shouldnt be passed by day by day. and living with the guilt of not knowing the truth of what could have been will kill you more then just comming clean with feelings. this isnt something that should be done thru email this time. do it face to face. just prepair for the worst and try to stay optomistic. i lost a best friend out of the deal, we'l never be the same, but i look at it on the bright side. i've set myself free. loves a terrible thing when u dont get it back. it can eat u alive and emotionaly damage u.

 

feel free to read my thread that i have posted if u want some insite. just keep in mind my situations much different then yours. hence she has a boyfriend.

 

i hope i helped

 

and have a merry christmas.

[cbstyles69]

i just realized that u have posted on my thread a couple times. anyways ty so much for your imput. i feel kinds dumb cuz i posted on your thread explaining a situation that u've already read. anyways wish u the best of luck and merry christmas.

[coaster1026]

No reason to feel dumb at all; thanks a lot for your input as well! I hope your xmas was good even though you are probably still feeling a bit sad. But you also sound like you are holding up pretty well. She's the one who lost, more than you. I know there will have to be face to face conversation with my roommate. I just dont know when I'll get the nerve to do it. He's been seeing some new girl now for a week or so, I found out. I can tell he feels guilty or something, cuz he's being extra nice to me (he only cooks and cleans when he's worried about me being mad at him!) Since our argument, though, there has suddenly been this exposion of girls supposedly calling him, he's talking these girls all the time, almost like he's dragging it into the ground. I tried to think that maybe he wants me to react to this, or be jealous, but that's almost like false hope. His kids were all over at our place for xmas. He's right there while the kids are saying how much they love me and I love them and there's no way he's missing that. (hence why he might feel guilty?). He seems to love it when we act as a "family" though...weather it's talking or laughing or watching tv. I think he's happy, but happier than me I guess. What did you mean by a 3 year old second thought? Like maybe he regretted losing me back then? That crossed my mind once. And now I'm starting to wonder if I will lose him again as well...I mean, he told his kids he's "inbetween wives"; if that's true, I will lose him again for sure...that is, unless I'm the next wife! I love him, I love the kids, it feels unfair that it could be taken away just because he finds someone "better"? The talk will have to be soon; our lease only has 6 months left. Gugh. Anyhow, thanks again for your thoughts! Every little bit helps in a time like this!Merry xmas, happy new year!

[cbstyles69]

i hope u had a merry xmas and a prosperous new year. i'm saying your roomate seems to throw hints but is kinda being reserved about this. he's obviously cought on that you like him in that mannor but needs to grow some balls to address the issue. i myself have addressed this to my best friend, we talked alot today about it. things are staying the same, i'm moving home to new york. she did explain how she felt and that she's working on doing whats right for her child, although i have a different point on whats good for her child i cannot tell her what to do, its all her choice and i have to respect that. i apparently tried throwing her away as a friend, i just cant seem to do it. she seems to freak out at the thought that i'd no longer be in her life. i know i get the uneazy feeling too, we've been best friends for so long. regardless we had a talk today that we should have probably talked about back in early june when this all started to happen. i told her that i'm not being distant cuz i hate her, but more or less that i'm learning to supress thoughts and that she needs to be patient. i think i'm a lil more comfortable with myself that i had this talk with her. maybe u should do the same with your friend. it will save face on alot of hassle in the end. it seems very typical for people that have been married for so long and realize they arent happy, they seem to want to enjoy the other side of life for a while. needless to say in most cases turns out selfishly. this is probably his deal but i'm sure he could come up with a better more propper way about it as apposed to flaunting woman in your face. i say talk to him about it. if he's that close of a friend he'l listen. if he rejects u, try to understand his feelings. love is a two way street and requires both party's attention to make it work.

 

i think i explained to my friend today that it wasnt easy for me to come clean with my feelings this past summer, but i have no regrets. i couldnt go another day with living a lie that i had these feelings and pretending that they werent there was doing more damage then none. her and my outcome may scare u, but i'm starting to see the light in all this. i free'd myself and maybe u can aswell. i been so happy with my decissions lately in moving home to ny, everything seems to be working out. my son's mother agree'd to let me have my son half the month and she'l have him the other half. this was my biggest fear of moving 3 and a half hours away from him.

 

anyways i wish u much luck, u know what u need to do.

 

best holiday wishes for the new year.

[Guest]

My r/s has just about bottomed out. My husband has told me some stupid excuses but I regret here it is AGAIN! that "HE" feels his reason for having me move in and now out and the REASON R E A L L Y ! ! ! have bearing on me as Why.

 

No, as a matter of fact it had just the opposite affect.

 

He also told me that I must get out. For Cries sake, Again...

 

Well for matters sake this time of year he 'always has get togethers with an ol' lady friend that has family up here and I suspect they have get togethers of their own, as well whenever the chance will allow. He has denied this to some extent. But as time would have it I am all but tired and no longer attached w/his reason or why or if in fact it is just a day get together or a week long affair from month to month or now why do I care? yes can't deny ongoing for years.

 

Personally, I am 'finished' with their 'ties' or her and his telling me to Get out for the last time. He claims the last 3 months have been him deciding, when I never asked to move here w/him. It did not seem relative to move "right in' maybe he now can justify why he NOW wants me out. Does he expect me to believe he really gave me a chance? Is he for real? Or sexually just being satisfied--again....not by me. and he is gone everyday for hours yet I go for a few hours once a week and I'm DATING. Thats why he says I must go. Or and blah blah

 

He told me to leave 4 yrs ago! I did, relunctantly. The b/u back then left me shattered and broken. But now, since he did this 3 times before, I will do the legal route but had hoped if this was what his intent was, forget the showmanship thing and lets try to work out a reasonable finance and resolve the r/s. He told me to get out the first week here. Now, anyone here feel the same BS as I?

 

Three times. I was floored.

 

I did not respond but could not believe my ears just the same. Of course, he hadn't changed but claim I have.

 

Why would I purposely blow any thing in the first week? Who or what gave HIM the initiative to tell me to go in the lst week? Anyone else get wind of his decision to allow me to move in? Thats what [/i] believed also. ANd he was adament about it too. Must of cost him a small fortune this Xmas as I didn't see where all the time he spent gone everyday for weeks and claims I was out f------ around.

 

NNnnnnoooo, now I am again the bad bi---, the fu-- up, the los--, the lia-. ect. Some never change their colors you know! A set up? Perhaps. And the time of year and the fact she, (the o/w is divorced now) how coincidental!-- and recently or however long must need to get her finances or life together and the need to have a back up. He always told me she was a gold digger. HIS WORDS!

 

Well, as sad at a time of year this may be for me, I can honestly say however the time spent in his home, he never availed anything to me or space and if fact told me to just bring just everyday clothes to wear and leave all in storage. I did, but yeah I did bring additional items to separate here but then I have also moved them out.

 

All I really expected was to gather my self and finances together and take it from there. I have not told him any ultimotives or requested other than the help that he initially gives me every year! This time he gives it to me in increments, claiming I am spending it on a 'boyfriend'. And when he also would help support my payments and ALWAYS paid more than the min due, he pays just above the due amount. This has been just the last month. And for yrs he was adament about the bill paying and was so supportive. Now, I am greatful and yes, we all get into some investment dalliances that may overwhelm but all this so sudden?

 

How would you all approach this since it seems such a ongoing situation w/him and ALWAYS this time of year. WHy?! She could only get away that long from her family to join her family here in my town during the holidays. Did this for years.

 

What do you all say I should respect his REASONing? And what legal right does he have to kick me out?

 

Could use some advice, on such a short notice. Again.

 

Thanks, for listening and sure could use the help.

[coaster1026]

Your the best. And it sounds like you at least got some good closure out of that last conversation with her. But if you remain friends, won't it still be painful? I don't know though, men always seem to move on easier than women. Especially if you are moving farther away, I guess that would have to make it a bit easier as well. My roommate laid it on thick last night, it was all about me and what movie I wanted to watch, he cleaned the entire apartment, he even doctored my bleeding cut on my toe, which is probably the nicest thing he's done for me since we lived together! However at the same time he's text messaging with some girl back and forth all night long. Before I went to bed he said, "do you feel better?" and I dont know what he was talking about. I said, feel better from what, but then his phone rang and it was some girl so I went to bed and never got an answer. I thought the extra attention was strange though. I milked it anyway. But it only makes me love him more, what ever his reason is! A couple days ago I found out my grandpa isn't doing well, maybe he feels bad for that, maybe he feels guilty if he doesn't want me like I want him; but spoiling me isn't going to make it better, it'll make me want him as my husband! I'm goin crazy here! I'm glad you seem to be feeling better yourself. Hopefully I will too, soon. I feel grateful that I have found you here. Have a good day best of luck to you.

[cbstyles69]

u know i was just thinking. thru all this stuff with my best friend in the past year i've had another female friend thats been by my side for 3 years regardless if she was dating or not, she's always been there. anyways i feel like a dick and dont know how to make it better. she's always gone out of her way for me and i always accepted this as friendship. i dont know why i'm so blind sometimes, and friends that stand nearby always told me she liked me. i tested this theory with some subtle flurting but didnt get any results. she comes to my house every other day at 7 pm on the dot. never late, and always here. she used to be here everyday. she had a boyfriend for the last year or so and i know this could have been a big damper on things. anyways she always came to me with advice about her boyfriend and things just didnt seem to be getting any better so one day i told her maybe she should concider leaving him. she was comforted with that. after our talk things got kinda confusing, for instance she once told me that wine makes her sexualy aroused and uninhibited. the very next day she asked me to go to some local rhode island winery's. it was clear to me she wanted to get smashed because on our way out there she laid the day's plans out. she wanted to hit every winery in rhode island, and then go to newport to walk off our buzz. i found this striking because she told me the day prior what wine does to her sexually. anyways, not to long after that i had made my move with my best friend realizing i had to do what i had to do. that evening when i told my best friend about my feelings my other friend called me and asked if i wanted to go to a pool side party. i was game. that night she told me that she had dumped her boyfriend ( she seemed so happy about her decissions). i later that night had explained to her about my feelings for my best friend, as i said this i noticed her eyes lower. she didnt really seem like she was mentally pleased with what i had to say. I then realized that maybe there might have been some feelings on her behalf. i walked away not really thinking about this too much because i was still wound up from me and my best friends talk earlier that day. i ignored the situation and feel so guilty. since that day my friend still comes over to my house, but i notice change. she no longer gives me hugs, just a small peck on the cheak. if i touch her she freaks out. she still comes to my house and helps out alot. she cleans, and i always tell her she doesnt have to do it, she makes my bed for me if its not already made, but things have seemed very distant. she's always been close to me, and now day's i see her slideing more towards being my roomates friend as apposed to mine. she's always ignored everyone else that hangs out ( including my roomate) and devoted her time to visiting me and my son, or just me. i've been doing alot of thinking on this part and have grown to the assumption that she really did like me in a way that could have been. i fear my decissions with my best friend may have effected (us). sometimes love does strange things, makes you blind. this girl that i been talking about came to me last week and asked me if i wanted to do something fun for new years. i came up with an idea of going home to ny and hitting up the clubs. she suggested that we get a hotel room (we could have stayed with my familly like we've done in the past). i said fine. so i talked about reserving a double bed, but she insisted on getting a single bed hotel suite ( with a jaccuzzi). it seems everytime we get drunk she seems to open up to me. she acts very fun loveing and wants to touch me all the time. i dont know if this is the booze talking or not, but she seems to give me mixed signals the fallowing day. i cant say my feelings are huge for her like my best friend, but she's really sweet to me and goes out of her way all the time. i've never been able to talk to her about me and my best friends situation. i tried going to her for help a few times and she doesnt give me a reply, as if she didnt hear anything i said. she knew i was hurting inside and bolted the entire situation all together. my question is, why would she go out of her way to help me in every situation for the exception of this one? did she have feelings for me and i blew it? i know deep down inside that i need to get over these feelings for my best friend before i can make any long term commitements with anyone else, but i feel pressured with the fact that the clocks ticking. i would love to share momments with this woman but i shy back because i try to do whats right. my roomate seems to feed on this stuff, he's always pulled all my friends that come over into huge conversation that leads to them hanging with him instead of me, and usually he will seperate them by hanging out in his room. i dont understand this either. he knows i like this girl but when she comes over he'l invite her into his room and really try hard to get her to watch a movie with him. she always explains that she's here to visit me, but still he does this with everyone. i know its tough in his situation, he really doesnt seem to have any game with woman. i dont think i could remember the last time he got laid. anyways i guess all thats irrelivent. i dont know what to do. i'm moving back home to new york in a month, i know this girl seems to lean towards long distant relationships. i think this might have something to do with gaining attachements with men due to heart break. she's very negative when it comes to love. she is very attractive tho with a sexy tone build. she's so sweet with my son and gives him lots of love. i find myself looking for these traits in a woman now day's ( how does she act with my son). after all its not all about just me anymore. I know i have answered my problem on my own, and i refuse her to be my rebound. her and i have always been able to tell eachother about when we hook up with someone knew, but if it ends up being something serious on my part she seems to get quite jealous. i dont know why i always tend to find the non confident types. she's very reserved and shy. i for some reason adore this in a woman. theres one thing i cant stand is a boisteriously loud woman. maybe its the mystery that i adore. the challenge of trying to figure out who she is on my own without asking. i've always had a nack for reading body language, people, ect... for i'm kind of a quiet person at times too. i like to sit back and evaluate the situation, which in times gets me into a bind because i'll over evaluate. anyways like i said, i think i'm just writing this to get it all off my chest. i'm still deeply in love with my best friend, and her and i been talking on yahoo everyday while shes at work. ironically she's going home ( by herself without her boyfriend) to new york to be with familly for new years. the irony in this is that i'll be there aswell at the same time with my friend that i got the hotel room with. she seemed as if she wanted to ask me if i wanted to meet up, but she was very hesitant. she knows i'm trying to get over her, and i made this clear. she still posts love songs on my myspace profile for everyone to see. yesterday durring our talk i asked her if her love for me was strickly platonic, and she said at times it was alot more then platonic. mostly explaining that it was more surreal love if anything. i know my best friend isnt as sexy as this newer friend of mine, but she's so beautiful at heart. anyways today i talked to my best friend agian on yahoo seems i'm not working today. she seemed very dry with me. signed off without saying bye. maybe she's trying to give me my space. this seems so hard to cope with, for yesterday i was so happy about our talk. i went to the movies with some friends of mine and happend to notice that i had been jumping for joy the entire day. for once in a long time i was so happy. this was all stemmed from me and my best friends talk (relief). today seems so different. i've been so down on myself, even cried. i feel theres too many reasons why i'm moving to ny, and i really dont even want to move back there, but feel i havent a choice. i've exausted my possibility's to stay here in rhode island. i'm going to miss alot about this place. i dont know why one day i'm all about moving and the next i'm creating mixed emotions to leaving all i have here behind. i left new york because i wasnt happy there and made a new life for me here in rhode island. i know my familly all lives in the state of new york, and things will be ok. i just have alot of really good friends here in rhode island. friends that seem to give far more then what my familly can give. i know it sounds pretty ****ty of me to say, but my familly isnt as close as i'd like them to be. a bunch of hot headed italians always bickering. sometimes i realize i moved here for the wrong reasons for i moved here to be closer to my best friend. but in return i found other reasons to stay here. i've found new friends, and grown to enjoy my stay here where at the same time i've grown to hate it in the same breath. i'm still going to stick with my decissions on moving home, cuz theres too many factors of why i'd be moving there. its wierd cuz alot of long term friends that havent really been around in the past year all of a sudden are comming over alot and giving me there time. i dont understand this. i know i'm an emotional mess and maybe all my friends realize that i need them. for once in my life everyone seems to understand me. they keep telling me that they hope i'm moving home for the right reasons. i know financially i've been falling apart here, and i just dont see getting out of it all. financially i know i'll be all set in new york. but in the same breath i'll be leaving alot behind.

 

sorry, didnt mean to type this out on your thread, but my best friend has the link to my own thread that i started. she's less apt to seeing this post.

 

lol, anyways i was actually comming to say hi and hope everything is well, and decided to spill my entire life in the same breath.

 

hope u have an excellent new years.

[cbstyles69]

sorry to hear about your familly deal. maybe your roomate is looking to comfort you, cuz after all this is what friends do when such saddened things happen.

 

i feel the same way bout feeling greatful. were both going thru the same deal for the acception that i've made the big leap and u havent. suggestion, and dont take this the wrong way. tell him how you feel. for your sake. dont think about it, just do it. u've had pleanty of time to think. i know me comming clean with my friend was the best thing going for me, although i have regrets because the situation got so out of hand and things have changed forever. but at the same note its comforting knowing that theres one less thing bottling up inside me. now is all i have to do is get over her and i'll be all good. funny thing is at this momment i realize where my feelings came from for my best friend. 3 years ago when i lived in new york and she lived here in rhode island i was talking to her one day and she asked me if i still go on yahoo and told me she had created an account to keep in touch with friends and familly. we ended up talking everyday. we've never been able to get this close because her boyfriend wouldnt let us. perfect opportunity cuz with yahoo we could talk freely and not have to worry about him being over our shoulders. nutty thing. maybe i need to stop talking to her on yahoo.

 

anyways good luck to ya, and feel free to keep in touch..

[coaster1026]

Well, it sounds like you really have a good thing going with this other friend of yours. One thing's for sure, she wants to have sexual relations with you! You said she lays it on thick when she's drunk, well she's probably distant the next day because she knows she was drunk and might feel a little embarrased that she opened up as much as she did. Like, she might be afraid of how you see her after that. You know, the "did I get drunk and act too silly?" thing. The winery trip, the pool party and her dumping her man...it's all obvious that now your other relationship has come to the point that it has, the new girl sees that as opportunity. It doesn't sound like you've blown it at all. If she's acting more distant it's because she assumes your mind is too focused on the other woman...like with my roommate, when I see all the attention he gets and gives with other women, I back off on affection. (it's kinda cool that your a man and I am a woman...a little interpretation of the opposite sex there!)...Cuz it's like, if all he thinks about is them, he doesn't need my attention, and probably doesn't really want it either. Maybe that's the wrong idea on my part.. But I still love 'em, that's for sure. Last night was so out of the ordinary for him...the reason behind it really doesn't matter to me...what matters is I loved it, he made the evening all about me and I want more! Do I have to be going through hard times before I deserve all this?! His kids are talking to me more and more about how cool it'd be if I hooked up with their dad. I just wonder if they tell him these things (they are teenagers).

As far as moving, or for any major decision for that matter, you can't spend too much time on woulda shoulda coulda. There are probably pros and cons for both NY and rhode island. (i wouldn't know them though..i'm in st. louis myself!)...And hey, there's always an option to even move again if it turns out to be a bad decsion. On new year's eve, you should hang out with your other friend and make the night all about her. If it becomes romantic just take it very slowly. But have fun with her on new years and dont' even think about woman #1 (if possible)...she'll probably be kissing her boyfriend at midnight anyway...I already have a feeling that new yrs. eve will upset me...the roommate will probably be somewhere kissing a woman at midnight and he'll send me a "Happy New Year" text message while I'm hanging with my friends who are all couples, and I won't be kissing anyone at all. But also, his kids might be over new yrs. eve. In that case, what if they all want me to stay home with them and my roommate's home, it would totally feel like a family thing and I would have to kiss him weather he liked it or not! You keep in touch also. If it's easier here's my email [email protected]. Don't know if I should be posting that here, but oh well! ...i have to leave work now so maybe we'll talk again soon. Have a good evening.