Is it too late?

[Guest]

Hi, my girlfriend broke up with me on Monday.

 

She tried to break up with me three weeks ago. Back then I didn't know what to do and it was just before the exams so I told her not to do it right before the exams. She didn't and she said back then she still had some feelings for me even though the reason for breaking up back then was that she has lost the feeling.

 

This time round, she says she has completely lost the feeling. Is it too late to win her back now? I'm thinking of trying NC but would that be just making myself feel better? What are the chances of rekindling the feeling in her?

 

When she said she lost her feelings three weeks go, she said she had some feelings still and was willing to try. But in that time, we were both very busy and I demanded for time together so I could work things out. It was wrong of me but I was afraid of losing her so I wanted to spend more time to help her find the feelings once more. However, it only made her dread meeting me and feel burdened by the relationship. It made her lose the bit of feelings that were still lingering.

 

Please advise on what I can do to make her regain her feelings.

[notmakingsense]

Do some research here on LS, and I'm sure you will find that no-contact is the best course of action.

 

You can not "make her regain her feelings." NC is the only way she will get the space from you she needs to really miss you and figure out what she wants. It will also be a way for you to step back and really evaluate whether or not you want someone who just "loses her feelings" for you. After all, you deserve someone who is really in to you -- don't settle for second best.

 

Finally, NC gives you the time to focus on yourself and find ways to learn from the experience and make yourself a better person. Go out, work out, date when you are ready. Chances are, when she sees you moving on, she'll probably reach out to you. Don't screw up that chance by contacting her. If she doesn't reach out, well, you'll be a better person and attracting all kinds of other hot chics anyway!

[devon1]

I just realised I need to sign up to reply

 

Maybe I need to explain more. She did not just lose the feeling.

 

We were both busy and less time was spent together and thus she felt that way. I reacted by pressuring her to spend more time with me, not knowing that she was trying hard and the added stress was only gonna break her eventually. It did and she couldn't take it anymore so she decided to just give it all up. She says she doesn't have the heart to give anymore to the relationship.

 

I believe that if I can help her rediscover the feelings, in an environment where she is not pressured with commitment, she would come back.

 

Maybe that's just what I want to believe.

[notmakingsense]

I believe that if I can help her rediscover the feelings, in an environment where she is not pressured with commitment, she would come back.

 

Maybe that's just what I want to believe.

 

This isn't a very realistic approach I'm afraid. It will be difficult to create "scenarios" where she is observing how un-pressuring you are. She won't trust that you don't have ulterior motives (which you do! lol).

 

Go no contact. If you had a good relationship to start with, she still will have feelings for you and will miss you. If her feelings are strong enough, she'll reach-out to you. If her feelings aren't strong enough to reach-out, then I'm afraid your relationship with her isn't all that salvageable right now.

 

And, by no contact -- I mean NO contact. No cards, e-mails, phone-calls, drive-bys, whatever. It is REALLY important that the energy to reconnect comes all from her -- on her own time when she's ready.

[Guest]

This isn't a very realistic approach I'm afraid. It will be difficult to create "scenarios" where she is observing how un-pressuring you are. She won't trust that you don't have ulterior motives (which you do! lol).

 

Go no contact. If you had a good relationship to start with, she still will have feelings for you and will miss you. If her feelings are strong enough, she'll reach-out to you. If her feelings aren't strong enough to reach-out, then I'm afraid your relationship with her isn't all that salvageable right now.

 

And, by no contact -- I mean NO contact. No cards, e-mails, phone-calls, drive-bys, whatever. It is REALLY important that the energy to reconnect comes all from her -- on her own time when she's ready.

 

THE ONLY CASE WHERE YOU HAVE RUN OUT OF TIME IS WHEN YOU ARE DEAD AND I HATE TO BREAK THIS NEWS TO ALL YOU NC BELIEVERS WHO SAY THAT AVOIDANCE MAKES THE HEART LONG FOR THEM, WELL, THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE. WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU THAT NOT SEEING SOMEONE WILL MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU - THAT JUST MAKES NO SENSE. THE WAY I SEE IT IS THIS - IT JUST LOOKS LIKE AN EXCUSE TO JUST NOT SAY TO SOMEONE THAT HEY ITS OVER FOREVER - LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE SAYING, HEY, GO AND LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE I WAS NEVER HERE, GO ON DATES AND GET LAID AND TAKE TRIPS AND HAVE FUN. NOW, HOW IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MAKE U WANT SOMEONE - TO ME THAT'S ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT TO DO AND THAT IS THE BEST THEY CAN COME UP WITH AT THE TIME.

 

GAWD - WHEN WILL PEOPLE EVERY REALIZE THAT THINGS THEY HAVE BEEN TAUGHT AND READ IN MAGS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MATTERS OF THE HEART. AT LEAST MY EX GF WAS SMARTER THAN THAT, SHE JUST TOLD ME STRIAGHT UP, ITS OVER MAN, SCREW OFF, AND WENT NC AND TOTALLY DISAPPEARED. NOW THAT'S HOW U DO IT - TELL THEM STRAIGHT AND MOVE ON. WISH THERE WERE MORE PEOPLE LIKE HER MAN.

[notmakingsense]

THE ONLY CASE WHERE YOU HAVE RUN OUT OF TIME IS WHEN YOU ARE DEAD AND I HATE TO BREAK THIS NEWS TO ALL YOU NC BELIEVERS WHO SAY THAT AVOIDANCE MAKES THE HEART LONG FOR THEM, WELL, THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE. WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU THAT NOT SEEING SOMEONE WILL MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU - THAT JUST MAKES NO SENSE. THE WAY I SEE IT IS THIS - IT JUST LOOKS LIKE AN EXCUSE TO JUST NOT SAY TO SOMEONE THAT HEY ITS OVER FOREVER - LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE SAYING, HEY, GO AND LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE I WAS NEVER HERE, GO ON DATES AND GET LAID AND TAKE TRIPS AND HAVE FUN. NOW, HOW IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MAKE U WANT SOMEONE - TO ME THAT'S ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT TO DO AND THAT IS THE BEST THEY CAN COME UP WITH AT THE TIME.

 

GAWD - WHEN WILL PEOPLE EVERY REALIZE THAT THINGS THEY HAVE BEEN TAUGHT AND READ IN MAGS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MATTERS OF THE HEART. AT LEAST MY EX GF WAS SMARTER THAN THAT, SHE JUST TOLD ME STRIAGHT UP, ITS OVER MAN, SCREW OFF, AND WENT NC AND TOTALLY DISAPPEARED. NOW THAT'S HOW U DO IT - TELL THEM STRAIGHT AND MOVE ON. WISH THERE WERE MORE PEOPLE LIKE HER MAN.

 

Dude -- ease up on the CAPS key!

 

Us NC believers are talking about what to do AFTER you have had the break-up talk. You see, there are a ton of people that try to contact even after they have just been dumped! So, yes, your ExGF did it just right. You had the break-up, then she went NC.

 

But, if there was a shred of hope that your GF wanted you back, contacting her would not be the way to find out. That would have to come from her.

[devon1]

Hmm... she dropped me a message saying that she might meet me on Christmas. I don't know if I should just ignore it or go meet her. I have started NC for just a day. I feel that if I go meet her, I would have to keep things to just being friends. Would she get the feeling that I'm alright staying as friends with her and just move on?

[notmakingsense]

Hmm... she dropped me a message saying that she might meet me on Christmas. I don't know if I should just ignore it or go meet her. I have started NC for just a day. I feel that if I go meet her, I would have to keep things to just being friends. Would she get the feeling that I'm alright staying as friends with her and just move on?

 

Start off by waiting until tomorrow to answer it. Its good practice in hanging back. If you decide to go, just relax and have fun. ABSOLUTELY NO talk about the relationship, and if she brings it up, just try teasing her and changing the subject. You want to let her know (without saying anything) that you are able to just have fun and interact with her outside of a relationship.

 

But.... continue to let her be the first to contact you, the first one to reach out in any way. So, after this meeting (if you go on it), go back to NC until she calls you again.

 

Finally, if you are with her, and you discover that she really JUST wants to be friends, and you can't handle it inside (remember, don't let on to this in front of her), then you need to go into strict NC so that you can get over her.

[Guest]

Start off by waiting until tomorrow to answer it. Its good practice in hanging back. If you decide to go, just relax and have fun. ABSOLUTELY NO talk about the relationship, and if she brings it up, just try teasing her and changing the subject. You want to let her know (without saying anything) that you are able to just have fun and interact with her outside of a relationship.

 

But.... continue to let her be the first to contact you, the first one to reach out in any way. So, after this meeting (if you go on it), go back to NC until she calls you again.

 

Finally, if you are with her, and you discover that she really JUST wants to be friends, and you can't handle it inside (remember, don't let on to this in front of her), then you need to go into strict NC so that you can get over her.

 

What happened to NC?? She is probably calling because she has no one else other than family to hang out with. Besides, not talking to her for a day has not made her realize anything, and if you meet her on Christmas day all that is telling her is that your still right there hanging on if she needs you.

 

I am a big believer in NC. Not for the fact that it would make my ex come back to me, but it had given me time to get over the whole ordeal and EVERYTIME I did it, they called saying they made mistakes, missed us, ect.

The thing was I had moved past it and realized it wasn't worth being treated like that. You might use it differently.

Don't be at her beck and call.......

[devon1]

Thanks for the advice, notmakingsense.

 

I will give it a try and see how it goes.

 

I just remembered that after we broke up, I told her that we can try to be friends and that if after some time we find that there's still something, we can try to get back together. She was very keen on the idea, but she also told me not to keep my hopes too high. I know she doesn't want me to be hurt and disappointed. But I feel that what she wants is to still have my company when she has time and yet not want to be in a relationship.

 

I'm still on NC. But if she contacts me, should I show that I'm ready to be just her friend?

[notmakingsense]

I'm still on NC. But if she contacts me, should I show that I'm ready to be just her friend?

 

I wouldn't bother with this unless you actually feel that way. If you still have strong feelings for her, your best bet is NC. Because otherwise, you'll suffer when you are with her -- constantly thinking about what you cannot have.

 

My suggestion is that if she contacts you, be nice and friendly, but too busy to meet. Be cordial but unavailable. I know that this approach sucks, but I feel it is the best way for you to get over her.

[devon1]

I know what I want and it isn't getting over her.

 

You may think that I'm just being silly. But I really loved her and I believe that she still loves me... I feel that time and circumstances weren't right and it affected the relationship.

 

I have the urge to just go to her and hug her and say I miss her. A week ago, I would have been able to do all that.

[notmakingsense]

She already knows you love her and want her back. Its her turn to reach out to you. Give her the chance to show her own initiative. This won't happen if you keep reaching out to her. If she doesn't show her own initiative, it is time to move on.

[devon1]

I feel that I was at fault for pushing her, pressuring her when she was still trying to make things work, back when she felt that the feeling was almost gone. Sigh... I guess I just have to wait it out.

[devon1]

Things were going great all these while... why did it have to suddenly go so wrong? Sigh...

 

I keep asking myself. Is the reasons she said the real reason?

 

I'm still holding out with the NC. Keep telling myself I can do it. Doing stuff that I like and spending more time out. I just talked to a friend and he was in a similar situation as I was. He had 2 months of NC and she came back.

 

Now that's inspiration to keep to the NC!

[devon1]

She dropped me a message saying she'll not be free on Christmas. I sorta expected that. Haha. Well, I ignored her and will continue to do so.

 

Please give me strength! I need all the support to pull through this I guess.

 

EDIT: I thought I'll update on some things.

 

Her dad gave me a call to check if I was alright. It was a great chat to know that her dad was very supportive of us and was very upset over the break up.

 

From the things he said, I found out that she was under a lot of pressure. Her parents were unhappy that she was spending too much time on her training and told her to spend more time at home. She was already spending much lesser time with me than she used to. On top of that, her training was becoming even more rigorous. And I guess all that added to the stress and she couldn't take it anymore.

 

She told me she didn't have the heart to give anymore to the relationship. She wants to concentrate on her training and spend more time with her family. I feel that's the reason for her "losing her feelings". I might be lying to myself. But right before the break up she was still very nice to me. I could still feel the love from her.

 

I just hope this NC would work out.

[uksteve]

But would you really want her to come back if she doesnt give you what you want or need?

 

You have to ask yourself is it going to happen again, even if you leave it and have NC she will still be the same person - prioritising family and training over you - there has to be a balance.

 

I have had NC for a couple fo days with my recent ex and it does help. I've broken up /made up so often I've given up with my relationship and the NC seems to help me a great deal personally.

 

Just keep yourself busy and if she realises what she has lost when your gone, tough! You'll have moved on.

[devon1]

Hmm maybe I should have elaborated. She did try to balance for a few months. But when demand from all three rose, she couldn't take it.

 

The training was taking up more time.

I asked for more time with her.

Her family asked for more time with her.

 

She chose her family and dream. I understand. We're still young and family is more important right now.

 

Thanks for the reply. Merry Christmas!

[devon1]

It's hard to spend Christmas alone once more. Sigh...

 

Anyone out there?

[Rooster_DAR]

It's hard to spend Christmas alone once more. Sigh...

 

Anyone out there?

 

Yep, I'm here. It does suck to spend Xmas alone.

[D-Lish]

How old is she? What is she training for?

 

Spending x-mas alone does suck. I've grown to resent the holidays this year.

I had an awesome x-mas with my ex last year, so this year I'm just reminded about what I don't have anymore. I don't even want to go to my family dinner tomorrow... There will be lots of family and friends...but I'll be the only single one. yuck.

 

Your ex sounds as if she has a lot of pressure in her life. NC is a good option for you... it might give her the opportunity to realize she misses you. If you guys do get a chance to talk or even reconcile, you'll need to restrain yourself from being demanding of her time.

 

I think in this situation she just needs to know you can provide her with balance. If she's overwhelmed, she'll need someone to provide her with a steady calmness she can depend on.

 

Yep, being alone at x-mas sucks ass....

D

[Rooster_DAR]

Spending x-mas alone does suck. I've grown to resent the holidays this year

 

That's an understatement.

[stanchain]

Hey Devon...

Dude... I must tell you that I know exactly what you are going through... just like many others on here do. I mean if you listen to what people say on here... man there is a wealth of information. Me and my ex broke up right around a month ago.. actually a lil more. If i would have went NC then.. boy things would have been different. But i didnt. I was like that other person that posted on here. I thought that by showing her that i was still for her and such she would come around. Boy was I wrong. I will tell you that I messed around and talked to her until friday. And of course she was still telling me that she loves me and she sees hereslf marrying me and things of that nature. She just needed time to figure out if this is what she wants. But that she was starting to miss being around me. Well bro.. just do NC and let her come back to you. It sounds like you have her families support, and if you do that means that at least they bring you up to her from time to time.. which in my opinion keeps you fresh in her mind. I just have to let go and know that it is over... Starting NC from the start is the way to go. oh and read this...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70200/

[devon1]

How old is she? What is she training for?

 

Spending x-mas alone does suck. I've grown to resent the holidays this year.

I had an awesome x-mas with my ex last year, so this year I'm just reminded about what I don't have anymore. I don't even want to go to my family dinner tomorrow... There will be lots of family and friends...but I'll be the only single one. yuck.

 

Your ex sounds as if she has a lot of pressure in her life. NC is a good option for you... it might give her the opportunity to realize she misses you. If you guys do get a chance to talk or even reconcile, you'll need to restrain yourself from being demanding of her time.

 

I think in this situation she just needs to know you can provide her with balance. If she's overwhelmed, she'll need someone to provide her with a steady calmness she can depend on.

 

Yep, being alone at x-mas sucks ass....

D

 

 

She's 20. I'm 21.

 

She's having vocal training classes.

 

She wanted to spend Christmas with me but on the morning of Christmas eve she sent a text telling me she is not ready to meet me. I guess she needs more time to sort her feelings out? I only replied that night, telling her to have fun and to wish her Merry Christmas.

 

Would you have any idea how I can show support without being demanding? I feel that I should not go completely NC but show that I am still around if she ever needs to look to someone.

[devon1]

Hey Devon...

Dude... I must tell you that I know exactly what you are going through... just like many others on here do. I mean if you listen to what people say on here... man there is a wealth of information. Me and my ex broke up right around a month ago.. actually a lil more. If i would have went NC then.. boy things would have been different. But i didnt. I was like that other person that posted on here. I thought that by showing her that i was still for her and such she would come around. Boy was I wrong. I will tell you that I messed around and talked to her until friday. And of course she was still telling me that she loves me and she sees hereslf marrying me and things of that nature. She just needed time to figure out if this is what she wants. But that she was starting to miss being around me. Well bro.. just do NC and let her come back to you. It sounds like you have her families support, and if you do that means that at least they bring you up to her from time to time.. which in my opinion keeps you fresh in her mind. I just have to let go and know that it is over... Starting NC from the start is the way to go. oh and read this...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70200/

 

 

Thanks for taking the time.

 

Her dad told me he liked me a lot and him being so caring and supporting almost made me cry.

 

I didn't start NC from the start. I only started it a few days after the break up.