what2donow Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 I'm trying to work things out in my marriage (yes, I had a short-lived EA). Been married almost 18 years now with two great kids, 9 and 7 years. I have been reading, going to IC and MC and think I am out of the "fog" of the EA. Now, I'm trying to decide what to do about the marriage. My H says he loves me and wants to stay married. I've "known" that my love/affection for him had died about 2 years ago, but I just kept plodding along in life. Now it's decision-time. Just last night he asked if I think I would be happier without him and I couldn't answer. So, EVERYONE that knows we are having problems tells me the very same thing... find a way to make it work for the kids. He's a good man. You can't divorce him. I do reach out to him to hold his hand sometimes and we do hug and have sex occassionally, but I feel more like I'm satisfying my physical needs more than an expression of love. It's only been 3 months since the EA ended and I told H about it, so maybe still not enough time? But, he's getting impatient (can't blame him) and I know I don't love him as a wife should right now. So the question is do I just try to fake having all those warm and fuzzy feelings in hopes that they become true??? Is it possible that doing that could really work??? Link to post Share on other sites
loggrad98 Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 No, you do not fake feelings you do not have, but I have always been a firm believer that you only truly love those you truly serve. I struggled with feelings for my wife for a while (retroactive jealousy...I have posted on here about it). I found that when my feelings for her wane it is because I am thinking too much about ME. Relationships are 2-way streets. I find that I am most in love with her when I am doing the little things for her that I know will make her happy. I get up early and make a big pile of crepes before I leave for work, because they are her favorite breakfast. I come home a little early and fold the laundry (a task we both hate). I surprise her with a bubble bath and her favorite magazine, then take the kids out for dinner and leave her some time to herself. Little things, but they draw us close, and have worked for me for 15 years. I learned this from my mom and dad. I have never heard them raise their voices to each other, let alone fight, and they are ALWAYS doing for each other...serving each other. They never hesitate when the other asks for help, they never fail to come to each other's defense. Their love has never wavered as far as I can tell. You let yourself go over a line you should never cross, and, as harsh as it may sound, that is a selfish thing. Even if you felt the relationship was over, the adult thing to do is to deal with it...talk about it...work it out or move on, but to give in to an affair of any kind is just a way to put your own feelings ahead of your S.O.'s and that will almost invariably lead to a distancing and loss of emotion between you. Marriage takes work. Get to it. Also, keep talking. Communication is the glue that binds hearts together. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 Marriage takes work. Get to it. Also, keep talking. Communication is the glue that binds hearts together. All good advice. Also, any relationship of 18 years - boss and employee, parent and child, brother and sister, husband and wife - is going to have its high and low points. Hate to see you making a huge decision like that based on a down point in your marriage. Hang in there and work at it and you'll find that respect, friendship and commitment can help restore (and repair) love and passion. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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