Will he resent me for this?

[new_stella]

My H spent years of our marriage looking at porn and other women. I don’t think he was addicted, just ‘interested’- for lack of better word. Our sex life never suffered.

 

Once I found the extent of this, we talked about it for the first time and I explained how inadequate that made me feel.

To make a long story short, he promises he will stop.

 

What worries me is that he would still have the desire to look at nude women.

My concern is that, even if he was able to stop, sooner or later he would start to resent me for that.

 

Am I right in thinking this way?

 

Should I just accept his offer and be happy?

 

Is it possible to stop something like that and never want it again?

Is it possible not to feel resentment at some stage down the line?

 

I would appreciate any comments

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

yes, he will resent you for forbidding him to look at porn. AND he will do it behind your back - guaranteed!

 

Unless he looks at porn excessively and doing so alone, there is really no harm in the activity.

[loggrad98]

This is an addiction no less overpowering than drugs or alcohol. It is a complusive behavior and it can take over your life. If you are concerned about him talk about it and see if you can get some help.

 

I do not believe that viewing porn in and of itself is necessarily bad (now morality and/or degrading women is/are other topics, but I will not delve into that now) but just like any other hyper-stimulating activity it can cause problems that may not be anticipated and can be very damaging.

 

Short answer, it IS possible to stop and not do it again, ever. It is debatable whether it is possible to stop and never WANT to do it again. Ask any alcoholic and they will likely tell you they want a drink all the time, they just have learned ways to stop themselves from taking that drink.

[Grrlish]

Well, realistically, most men (and a lot of women) enjoy looking at porn.

 

Yes, he may resent you and he may also continue to do it behind your back.

 

Sorry, that was blunt.

 

The resentment may not be specifically related to you trying to control his porn viewing, it may be more about being told what to do.

 

I'm fairly anti-porn but I'm also realistic about the fact that a lot of men like to view it. So, if my boyfriend wants to have a Playboy laying around his house, I'm not going to complain. And he does, and I don't...usually.

 

I did say something recently because they were starting to stack up on the reading table in the bathroom and then having one on the dinner table...well...that I DON'T need! *laugh* He removed every single one out of sight. I actually felt bad because it's HIS home (we don't live together). I also don't want him to feel that he has to hide things from me (although, no, I don't want to view the history on his computer! *laugh*).

 

I've been trying to figure out a way to say "Honey, I appreciate you being so responsive to my discomfort with a stack of Playboys being the first things I see when I walk into the bathroom but I really don't mind one here and there...I just don't need to see a whole stack of 'em!"

 

Honestly, I'm sure that my bf looks at porn on his computer at home. As long as our sex life doesn't suffer...what do I care?

 

LOL...in fact, we're going to a lingerie fashion show together next week. At first, when he mentioned it, I said "What in the world would make you think that I want to go look at a bunch of nearly-naked girls prancing down a runway??" He said "Well, I thought we could go for the fun of it, you could get dressed all sexy in a short dress or skirt or something, and we could just amuse ourselves - maybe even make fun of some of the outfits." (No, I'm not stupid enough to think he just wants to go and laugh at the girls. ) So, about ten minutes later I said, "Okay, we can go, but you better F my brains out when we get home." He said "That goes without saying".

 

[Mr. Lucky]

This is an addiction no less overpowering than drugs or alcohol. It is a complusive behavior and it can take over your life.

Your statment is supported neither by fact nor valid research. 99% of the claims of Porn or Sex Addiction come from after-the-fact attempts to rationalize and excuse inappropriate behavior. "Honey, it wasn't my lyin', cheatin', scumbag heart and low moral character, it was the disease!"

 

Drugs and alcohol have a proveable, chemical component to the associated addiction. How can porn be the same way?

 

Mr. Lucky

[garvis]

I think it is possible to stop looking at porn and not resent your partner for asking to stop. My wife caught me looking at playboy stuff on the computer on a couple of occasions. The first time it didn't sink in to my head why or how bad it made her feel. I understand now and I feel bad about it. I haven't looked at playboy or any other porn since our last conversation about this, even though she didn't ask me explicitly to stop. And I don't feel the need to or resent my wife.

 

I have 2 "excuses" for my gandering at this material. 1) we weren't on the same page with our need/desire for intimacy. At times I wanted it and she didn't 2) I was lazy. I wanted sexual satisfaction, but didn't feel like going through all the steps of our love making. Looking at sexual images makes it quicker and easier to satisfy a man. Now, if I find myself with unmet desires, I satisfy myself by using my mind. That's what many women do, isn't it?

 

So yes, I think it's possible to stop looking and porn and not resent it. But many different men look at porn at varying degrees.

[Guest]

i don't see how anyone could resent another when all they are asking you to do is stop doing something that is harmful to her and you. i would welcome requests like that - it means they care and are communicating with u and after all isn't that what its all about. if someone i was seeing asked me that, and frankly if i was healthy and of sane mind, that wouldn't even be an issue any ways, but if asked i would easily do so - in fact, i would do whatever it takes to build that trust back. for example, if u don't have a computer at home, its kinda hard to watch porn off the internet isn't it - wink

 

there's my 2 cents - hope it helps

[loggrad98]

Something does not need to have a chemical component to be addictive.

 

Definition of addiction:

 

[COLOR=#0000ff]American Heritage Dictionary[/COLOR] - [COLOR=#0000ff]Cite This Source[/COLOR] ad·dic·tion (ə-dĭk'shən) [COLOR=#0000ff]Pronunciation Key[/COLOR]

n.

1. 1. 
      
   2. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of heroin addiction.
      
   3. An instance of this: a person with multiple chemical addictions.
      
   4. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.
      
   5. An instance of this: had an addiction for fast cars.

[*]

1. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.
   
2. An instance of this: had an addiction for fast cars.

Habitually or compulsively occupied with something. I have a good friend who ruined his marriage, not through cheating, but because he could not turn off the computer and would load up porn even AFTER making out with his wife INSTEAD of having sex with her. He spent time on porn web sites instead of being with his kids. I know he once even left a support group I was working with early...he told us he had another appointment...we found out later he had subscribed for a live feed from a porn web site and did not want to miss it. That, my friend, is an addiction.

 

Addiction takes many forms. I lived in Nevada for a long time and gambling addiction is a very real problem there. No chemical means for that addiction either, but it does ruin lives.

 

I have found that people defend things as being NOT addictive when they don't want to admit they may have an addiction.

 

By the way, I am a recovered addict (prescription narcotics from cancer treatment and multiple surgeries over 8 years ago) and I have been part of and worked with many support groups (I volunteer to this day with cancer patients and addiction support groups because of the affect prescription pain killers had on me). Sex addiction is real, is not purely anecdotal, and must at some point be taken seriously.

 

If an individual is viewing porn to the point that their normal life function and relationships are being affected, they are addicted and should get help.

[Guest]

well, if the woman i loved felt i was addicted to watching porn, this is what i would do - tell her what does she believe i should do to reassure her and make things better. would she go to counselling with me about this issue? how can i show her things have changed if she does take part in this? because its not a huge problem and she will see that. so, i would just tell her, honey, what should we do about this porn thing so it just goes away? and if she doesn't answer, then there is nothing u can do buddy

[tommyr]

If an individual is viewing porn to the point that their normal life function and relationships are being affected, they are addicted and should get help.

 

The original poster herself said she did NOT think her husband was addicted and their sex life was not suffering. Why are folks here arguing against her?

Sounds to me like the husband has a much larger libido than his wife, and that he is using some porn "on the side" to compensate. I can seriously relate to that!

 

Just last nite I busted my butt to get the kids in bed/asleep so that when dear wifey got home, we might have some time together. After she arrives home (I did not jump her at the door) she had a bowl of soup, relaxed, showed, etc, we hung out on the sofa for maybe 20 mins and talked about the day, then I made my move... she says she is too tired so we keep talking some more... several minutes later I try again.. she says not happening!

 

Fine, OK, I can accept she wont always be ready-to-go every time I get horny. But after 5 sexfree days, she goes to bed, so I take matters "into my own hands" with some porn.

 

How am I wrong here?

[whichwayisup]

I agree. If their sex life is not being affected badly by him watching porn, then she has to trust that he does love her and finds her attractive..And him watching porn has nothing to do with her, it's just about him feeling good, masterbating and that's it.

 

Together they can make sure that this doesn't cause more problems and he can reassure his love for her so she doesn't feel insecure or threatened by him watching porn.

[JamesM]

I don't have a problem with calling porn use and addiction. Because many times the thril of it does release such pleasure that it is addicting. But like many addictions, it can be stopped. Many, many drug addicts and alcoholics decide to quit and do it...and they don't go to AA meetings.

 

What I have a problem with is people calling alcoholism, drug use, pornography use, etc....a disease. They are not. Whether chemically they mess up the brain and cause damage from an addiction...this is possible, but they cannot be compared to cancer or the common cold...but I digress.

 

OP say husband does not overuse.

 

OP, when you say he

spent years of our marriage looking at porn and other women.

 

...what do you exactly mean? Did he only read/look at porn mags, or did he gawk at live women in public or at strip joints? Or does this simply mean he used all types of porn...ie videos, mags, etc. ?

 

If he simply looked at magazines occasionally, yes, he could quit. However, if he developed habits of going to strip joints, watching adult videos (at home or abroad), this may be more difficult.

 

I tend to agree with the naysayers...if he has watched/read more than once a week as you know it, he probably will not quit.

[Chapter2]

I agree. If a person isn't giving up something for themselves then they are likely to resent the person they're giving it up for. He has to want to stop looking at porn because he wants to stop not because he has to.

 

yes, he will resent you for forbidding him to look at porn. AND he will do it behind your back - guaranteed!

 

Unless he looks at porn excessively and doing so alone, there is really no harm in the activity.

[IWalkAlone]

Drugs and alcohol have a proveable, chemical component to the associated addiction. How can porn be the same way?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Drugs have observable physiological reactions that can be habit forming. So does porn & sexual arousal.

 

When a person habitually treats issues in his life with drugs or alcohol, that's addiction. When they habitially treat their issues with porn & masturbation, that's the same thing.

[loggrad98]

I guess the only reason I bring up the issue of porn as addiction is that O.P. was concerned enough about his porn use to post about it in an online forum and ask for advice. She is obviously being affected by it in some negative way for it to mean that much to her to seek out help.

 

Does that automatically mean he is addicted? Of course not. Does that mean he might have a problem? Yes. Only O.P. and her husband can decide that together.

 

Point is, if there is an issue that is causing you to question points of your relationship you should deal with it. It is good that you have talked about it. There has to be give and take in a relationship. I used to have season tickets to a professional sports team before I got married...I have not renewed them in years because it takes away time from my marriage and she absolutely does NOT enjoy the games. Of course she went with me, and tried to make the best of it, but I did not enjoy it knowing it was making her uncomfortable, so I dropped it and do not worry about it anymore. I catch the games on TV. Correspondingly, she loved to dance before we got married. I absolutely do NOT enjoy dancing. She was going to clubs and bars and such 4-6 nights a week just to dance. It was a big part of her life. I took her dancing early on, but she noticed I did not enjoy it, and, consequently she did not enjoy it either. We dance now and then, and I know it is not anywhere near as much as she would like, but she is ok with it. The point is, you do things like that in a committed relationship and simply do not allow resentment to grow toward your S.O. I do not believe many relationships can exist without this kind of give and take. Selfishness does not beget happy relationships.

 

That said, it is between O.P. and her husband to work out a "fair and equitable" decision on the topic. Absolutely forbidding anyone to to anything will automatically create feelings of resentment, but talking things out and compromising are conerstones of healthy relationships.

 

The problem with resentment (or any negative thought or feeling) is not the initial feeling, but harboring that feeling and letting it get the best of us. We cannot stop the birds from landing on our heads, but we can keep them from building a nest in our hair.

[Mr. Lucky]

Something does not need to have a chemical component to be addictive.

 

Definition of addiction:

 

[COLOR=#0000ff]American Heritage Dictionary[/COLOR] - [COLOR=#0000ff]Cite This Source[/COLOR] ad·dic·tion (ə-dĭk'shən) [COLOR=#0000ff]Pronunciation Key[/COLOR]

n.

1. 1. 
      
   2. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of heroin addiction.
      
   3. An instance of this: a person with multiple chemical addictions.
      
   4. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.
      
   5. An instance of this: had an addiction for fast cars.

[*]

1. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.
   
2. An instance of this: had an addiction for fast cars.

 

So, based on your broadest use definiton, "fast cars", like porn, is an addiction. Where does the support group meet - at the dealership?

 

Is there any activity I can't be declared addicted to? Canasta? Needlepoint? LoveShack? (jk)

 

I'm not debating the meaning of the word "addiction". We agree on its definition. My concern is that "porn addiction" has taken on a medical and psychiatric connotation as a disease that seems to absolve the abuser of responsibility.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Guest]

So what's so bad about pornography?

Not meaning people who have looked at mags or vids before we all have at some point, but when its alot or all the time then......

 

1) Pornography feeds lust of the eyes and lust of the flesh, which are never satisfied. It leaves the viewer craving more and more in order to achieve the same "sexual high." It easily enslaves people to their own cravings and opens the door to other forms of evil, like anger, abuse, violence, hatred, lying, envy, compulsiveness and selfishness. The power behind porn is revealed when the porn addict tries to stop their habit - its virtually impossible without help.

 

2) Pornography sexualizes the viewer's mindset. It warps and perverts their perspective such that sex is unnaturally elevated in their thoughts. Porn's images are stamped into viewer's brain with the aid of hormones released during sexual arousal. Even if a person decides to stop looking at porn, the past images can remain for years or even a lifetime.

 

3) Pornography promotes destructive practices and can lead to progressive addiction. For example, porn sites routinely link viewers to depictions of every type of sexual perversion imaginable, such as child porn, homosexuality, bestiality, necrophilia (sexual interest in corpses), masochism (pleasure from abuse or suffering), rape and sadism (gratification from inflicting physical or mental pain on others). The viewer's exposure to such themes naturally increases the likelihood that they may attempt to act out what they've viewed. This can lead to sexual crimes, a la the late Ted Bundy and Gary Ridgway (The Green River Killer).

 

4) Pornography intensifies an individual's drive to serve oneself, rather than serve others. For example, masturbation, which typically accompanies looking at pornography reinforces a self-centered sexual orientation (i.e. lust), which can detract from a person's ability to give and receive love.

 

5) Pornography addiction can lead to debt. The convenience of credit card transactions on the internet encourages covert spending without limit. Additionally, pornographers flood common internet areas with enticing banner ads ("teasers") and spam email, which bait potential viewers with free porn. Once lured by the free porn to the site, the viewers must then pay to see more.

 

6) By viewing and/or purchasing porn, viewers are supporting the porn industry and facilitating its growth. By viewing porn, the viewer is also contributing to the sexual exploitation of whoever or whatever is in the images he or she is viewing.

 

7) Looking at porn can damage the viewer's family relationships, not to mention increasing the chance of his or her spouse and children finding the material. Porn may also inspire the viewer to explore incest, which is a common porn theme. Other things porn may inspire in the viewer (which could in turn affect the family) include sexual frustration, lying, abuse, affairs, debt, violent behavior and irrational thinking.

 

8) Looking at porn at work could damage the viewer's reputation, decrease his or her productivity and lead to job loss. It could also inspire unhealthy and/or inappropriate relationships with co-workers.

 

9) Looking at porn can damage the viewer's current or future marriage sex life. Porn viewers may find that it's difficult to enjoy true intimacy with their spouse when they're fantasizing about somebody else! Additionally, porn builds an unrealistic perception of sexual relations. Porn sex is a portrayal or an act made for the viewer's enjoyment. It takes what God intended as a private expression of love between a husband and wife and prostitutes it for entertainment. When a person has been looking at sexual pictures of other people for entertainment, he or she will have a downgraded value of sex. This in turn will detract from their appreciation and value of sex with their spouse.

 

10) Looking at porn will increase the viewer's tendency to lie, because he or she will have a natural desire to keep it secret to avoid criticism, embarrassment, shame and/or having to surrender their habit.

 

11) Looking at porn can lead a person into masturbation addiction.

 

12) Looking at porn brings serious spiritual consequences (see consequences page). For example, it opens the doorway to spiritual oppression and confusion in the viewer's life. The power behind pornography is inherently evil. It seeks to control and dominate the viewer's life, while allowing other forms of evil to gain influence in that person. Once a person starts looking at the porn, their eyes become the gateway for the evil power to enter them. As it gains influence, the evil can numb the viewer's ability discern right and wrong. As traditional moral values are blurred, confusion sets in.

 

13) Looking at porn helps you start to believe the lies it promotes. Examples lies include:

 

Sexual freedom = happiness

Perverted sex (homosexual sex, incest, BDSM, etc) is more enjoyable than "normal" heterosexual sex

There are no consequences to sexual promiscuity

Sexual expression is a right, not a God-given or God-defined gift

You can live a healthy life with the porn images floating around in your mind

Porn doesn't harm anyone

Sex is something to be done primarily for self gratification

The porn stars are the happiest people on earth

Adults can view porn without any lasting side effects

Porn will help your sex life

Porn is just a harmless thing that everybody looks at

and leads to more lies.

[new_stella]

Thanks so much to everyone guys!

 

I tried to be as short as I could and obviously I left out some important information:

I have a huge problem with him looking at other women.

The fact that he has to look at naked women is killing me. I didn’t want to put emphasis on that part (I thought it was implied) to avoid people concentrate on that – which, although important, is a completely separate issue.

 

yes, he will resent you for forbidding him to look at porn. AND he will do it behind your back - guaranteed!

I WOULD NEVER FORBID HIM ANYTHING!

We don’t have that sort of relationship. I didn’t even ASK him to do it. I told him how I felt, we talked A LOT about it, and he OFFERED to stop. He said that porn and other women were not important at all to him, that he loved me and only me, and that he WANTED to stop to make our relationship better.

 

I was reluctant to accept that and expressed doubt that he wouldn’t be able to stop his desire even if he managed to stop his actions. I was worried he would start to resent me - even though I didn’t force him to stop, I would still be the sole reason for that.

 

He convinced me that he changed and was looking at things in a different way after our discussion(s).

So, he decided to stop anyway, promised that he would show me that he didn’t need porn in any forms, to show me how unimportant the whole thing was to him…

 

He said he’d stop without waiting for me to agree with the idea, and I could decide later how I like it.

 

Well, it’s been 2 months now, and he did it twice during that time. Mind you, he didn’t tell me himself, I asked him after about a month how it was going and he admitted then.

 

See, I hate having to ask him things like that. I don’t want to control him. If he was able to stop, I would be happy off course, but I want to trust him, not to become some sort of porn police.

 

I hope I’m not too confusing, but if he stops because he wants to (as he says), not because I forced him to, will still resent me?

 

He now says he won’t give up and will stop, this time forever.

 

The main reason for my post is that I’m not sure if I should discourage that.

On the one hand I want him to stop so badly (and I don’t know even if we can stay together if he doesn’t)

On the other hand, I am afraid that him stoping can also damage/ruin our relationship…

 

I agree. If a person isn't giving up something for themselves then they are likely to resent the person they're giving it up for. He has to want to stop looking at porn because he wants to stop not because he has to.

My problem exactly. He says he wants to, but does he say that only to save the relationship and, maybe, is not even aware of that?

 

I understand now and I feel bad about it. I haven't looked at playboy or any other porn since our last conversation about this, even though she didn't ask me explicitly to stop. And I don't feel the need to or resent my wife.

It seems that your situation is very similar to mine.

Do you have the desire to look and if yes, how do you deal with it?

 

Looking at sexual images makes it quicker and easier to satisfy a man. Now, if I find myself with unmet desires, I satisfy myself by using my mind.

Looking at sexual images can be a turn on, no doubt about it (for women too).

My problem is that most of those ‘sexual images’ are images of perfect, young, naked chicks. See, not that it is important, but I wouldn’t mind at all if those images were focused on people having sex… But a major turn on for most men seems to be a naked female body. The better the body, the greater the arousal.

Anyway, when you say you are using your mind, do you still fantasize about the same perfect female bodies? (I apologise if this question is too personal, please ignore it if it is)

 

i don't see how anyone could resent another when all they are asking you to do is stop doing something that is harmful to her and you. i would welcome requests like that - it means they care and are communicating with u and after all isn't that what its all about.

Thanks, I’m so glad someone else thinks this is possible.

You made me feel a bit more optimistic

 

Sounds to me like the husband has a much larger libido than his wife, and that he is using some porn "on the side" to compensate.

Well, this is not really the case. I have a very high sex drive and we had absolutely amazing sex life before all this started. What I discovered is that the more sex we had the more he was using porn (in a way I can understand that, the more sex I have, the more I want…)

 

OP, when you say he

...what do you exactly mean? Did he only read/look at porn mags, or did he gawk at live women in public or at strip joints? Or does this simply mean he used all types of porn...ie videos, mags, etc. ?

If he simply looked at magazines occasionally, yes, he could quit. However, if he developed habits of going to strip joints, watching adult videos (at home or abroad), this may be more difficult.

Videos, mags, … He doesn’t visit strip joints, but he has to check out every decent looking women when we are in public (he says he will stop with that too, now that he sees how pathetic it is)

I never thought of this as an addiction. He was looking at it definitely more often than once a week, but wasn’t spending endless hours on it. He calls it a ‘bad habit’ now and says he wants to get rid of it.

 

The point is, you do things like that in a committed relationship and simply do not allow resentment to grow toward your S.O. I do not believe many relationships can exist without this kind of give and take. Selfishness does not beget happy relationships.

You may be right.

Maybe my problem is that I don’t think about this issue like about any other compromise. I suppose I believe it’s something much deeper that just a ‘habit’ or a ‘hobby’.

 

Thanks again to everyone for helping me

[Mr. Lucky]

. I have a very high sex drive and we had absolutely amazing sex life before all this started. What I discovered is that the more sex we had the more he was using porn (in a way I can understand that, the more sex I have, the more I want…)

If whatever you were doing led to "amazing sex" and "more sex" - why question that conduct between consenting and loving adults? Your healthy sex life is something many here at LS would be envious of...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JackJack]

This is strictly my opinon on the matter. I'm not saying wheather its right or wrong.

 

Excessive porn use does more damage than people might think. People have it in their mind that just becasue their sex life is good or they are getting sex alot all is well in the world. The problem is, porn can sometimes give people a wrong perception of what true love and intimacy is suppposed to be about. It pulls people away from real emotions and can give them a warped sense of how things are or should be.

 

To the OP it sounds to me as if your hubby knows he has a problem and would like to stop. Maybe he actualy did try to stop before and fell off the wagon so to speak just like a person on drugs or alcohol might be. They try and they want to, but they backslide. I would say see if he stops like he says and if he backslides again perhaps see if he would see someone. You need to as well, because these images he sees, as you described, young perfect looking women, (which most are airbrused to look that way) has already distorted what real people and real intimacy is about.

[new_stella]

If whatever you were doing led to "amazing sex" and "more sex" - why question that conduct between consenting and loving adults? Your healthy sex life is something many here at LS would be envious of...

Mr. Lucky

Because knowing that he is jerking off on perfect young girls is a huge turn off for me.

 

Please understand that I’m not trying to blame or insult anyone, but I find the idea of 45-year-old men getting of on the images of 18-year-olds repulsive.

 

Well, to be honest, I don’t care if other people do that…

 

But when my H does it, it hurts deeply and makes me question everything we have…

[new_stella]

To the OP it sounds to me as if your hubby knows he has a problem and would like to stop. Maybe he actualy did try to stop before and fell off the wagon so to speak just like a person on drugs or alcohol might be.

It has never crossed his mind that there is something wrong with it before! He considered it normal and simply assumed that I knew he is doing it, because ‘all men do it’.

He now thinks that he has a problem (not really the addiction though), but I am still not sure…

By reading some of the posts here, it looks like this has its roots in a very nature of men. Which means that I am the one with the problem… and have no idea how to solve it

 

Excessive porn use does more damage than people might think. People have it in their mind that just becasue their sex life is good or they are getting sex alot all is well in the world. The problem is, porn can sometimes give people a wrong perception of what true love and intimacy is suppposed to be about. It pulls people away from real emotions and can give them a warped sense of how things are or should be.

 

You need to as well, because these images he sees, as you described, young perfect looking women, (which most are airbrused to look that way) has already distorted what real people and real intimacy is about.

This is definitely something I’ll need to think about.

Sounds like rationalization of something that I’ve been feeling all along.

[Mr. Lucky]

But when my H does it, it hurts deeply and makes me question everything we have…

Stella:

 

I would never try and tell you (or anyone else) how they should feel about this, as that is a personal thing. I will try and tell you, however, why I feel that you shouldn't be threatened by it. All men ( and I do mean ALL) have an active and ongoing sexual imagination that is simply part of us. It knows no social, racial or cultural bounds. It's the part of our brain that says "Wow, that sexual position would be fun to try with my wife". It's also the part of our brain that says "Wow, that sexual position would be fun to try with the checkout girl at the grocery store". It is not politically correct, house broken, WAF approved or meeting of community standards. We could no more turn it off than you could surpress the maternal instinct you feel for your children. It's part of us.

 

And yet, somehow, despite the fact the your husband (like any other man) has an untamed Id, it sounds like you have a good marriage. You have a good sex life. You communicate well. You respect each other. I'm just extrapolating from your posts (and forgive me if I'm wrong), but there seems to be some healthy give and take in your relationship. I liked it when someone said "just tell him to stop looking", you said something to the effect that you would "never forbid him anything".

 

Why not simply judge your husband by what he does? How he treats you, both in bed and out. What kind of partner he is. If you're satisfied with those things, then the rest seems relatively unimportant. JMHO,

 

Mr. Lucky

[loggrad98]

I like the way Mr. Lucky takes things out of context. The damage of addiction is when it damages your life, takes over, causes stress and problems in relationships, keeps you from holding a job, etc. etc. Yes, fast cars can be an addiction, if you spend every penny on them, neglect your loved ones to own one, spend all your time driving one, would rather go to the track then to work, etc. etc.

 

Stella I think you have made it pretty clear you have issues with your H porn use. You need to talk this out in more depth and detail than it appears you have so far. I think it says a lot for him to tell you he will stop for you. That is what relationships are all about, being willing to change for your S.O. You cannot change anyone but yourself, and being willing to do so for another human being is a very high form of love.

 

I also agree with Mr. Lucky, believe it or not. =) It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship except for this one point sticking in your craw.

 

So unstick it and talk it out. He needs to know the depth of your feelings on the matter...not accusingly or mistrustfully, but open and honestly and you will be able to find a path that works for you together.

[Guest]

There Are Just So Many Things I Have Read About How I Have Done So Much Damage

 

Why Do I Believe That She Sees Anything Other Than This Stuff

 

The Women I Love Sees All This - Not Me Anymore

 

I Have To Face That Reality