Will he resent me for this?

[Lennox]

The following is a short excerpt from Wikipedia when you look up Sexual Addictions:

 

According to proponentes of the concept, sexual addicts may enjoy frequent sexual intercourse and other sexual activities, but the key to this addiction is more the enjoyment of the journey rather than the destination. That is, sexual addicts do not require an orgasmic event in order to feel accomplished in the pursuit of their addiction. This is why sex addicts are sometimes referred to as "drug addicts". While sexually, and even romantically, stimulating activities are what they seek, internally the shot of brain chemicals released when they engage in these activities is what they crave. One such brain chemical released by their activities is the "feel good" neurotransmitter dopamine. Typically, people raise their level of dopamine when they are engaged in romantically and sexually enjoyable activities. It is this heightened level that provides them with a feeling of euphoria. An orgasm boosts this level even more highly. Certain illegal drugs also facilitate the same release, for example methamphetamines or cocaine. These drugs are believed to raise the level of dopamine in the brain to as much as 30 times that which is present during an orgasm. This makes these drugs' effects on the brain extremely enjoyable and highly desirable to people seeking mood elevation[citation needed].

 

Individuals who experience mood issues and discover the soothing effects brought on by these brain chemicals, quickly learn which behaviors can effectively repeat the experience. A cascading effect begins. Already prone toward tendencies for compulsive or obsessive behavior, the sexual addict starts repeating 'rewarding' activities with a repetition that quickly creates a conditioned response[citation needed]. Over time, however, the constant release of these mood elevating brain chemicals into the body causes them to lose their effectiveness and so addicts find themselves needing to increase, vary or intensify their activities more in order to achieve a similar effect[citation needed]. (Interestingly, the brain chemical releases triggered by the sexual addict are similar to those experienced by gamblers and food addicts[citation needed].)

 

This is not to downplay your assertion, Mr. Lucky, that everyone has a choice whether to act out an addiction or not. Just as it's a poor choice for a crack addict to smoke crack, it's a poor choice for a porn and masturbation addict to act out his/her addiction to the detriment of his/her relationship and/or life. But there is a chemical that is released and it's comparable to the ones you had listed before.

[hrtingsobd]

While I know that you are thinking that your man is different, mine was too. We just broke up three weeks ago because of this issue. he told me he would quit and I beleved him. Third strike and he's out. I am suffering but will be okay and he has a problem he needs to fix before I am with him. Enough about me...sorry....You know what you will and will not accept. Can you live with it if he does not stop? Who cares if he resents you. You choose not to be with someone who likes looking at naked women. he can have the same right to choose to look at porn...just without you. Hold firm. If he said he will stop, then if he starts watching behind your back (trust issue is being shattered), you need to set him free to deal with his own issues. Message me if you would like. We are goig through this at the same time.....

[tommyr]

You choose not to be with someone who likes looking at naked women. he can have the same right to choose to look at porn...just without you. Hold firm.

 

Wow, take it easy! This issue is not (yet) a "dealbreaker" for New_stella! She only is asking if husband will build a resentment over the fact

he might feel "forced" into porn abstinence to please her. I guess only time will tell, but these are the facts as I read things:

 

1. He has been using porn continuously since LONG BEFORE the marriage

2. She has known about this for many years

3. Throughout all this, both she and he seem to have a faithful and satisfying sex life together

4. Recently, she became bothered enough to challenge him on it

5. He quickly says "no problem I will simply stop!!"

6. Within 2 months he sneaks a few peeks, which she asks and he says "this time I will REALLY stop!"

 

Based on those facts, here are my (male) opinions:

1. He always has, and always will, like porn (even if he somehow abstains)

2. The years of you knowing but not objecting make it even harder.. why suddenly does it bother you so much?

3. Beyond partner sex, he enjoys masturbating a couple times per week... THAT will NEVER change

4. His kneejerk reaction "I will just stop viewing porn" failed to anticipate this creates a gaping VOID in his sexuality

 

Nature abhors a vacuum so I sure hope that some form of "approved" masturbation material can be reached,

because otherwise the prospects of him changing a lifelong part of his own sexuality does not seem to be an easy path.

 

Could he stop? I suppose (I personally could NOT)

If he can stop, would there be resentment? Again, I suppose HE could, but I could NOT

[JadeStar]

I think the bottom line is, it bothers you. Wheather people say it shouldn't or not, the fact is it does or you wouldn't be asking for help/advice.

 

So since this is something that bothers you and can cause friction in the marriage its probably best to talk with him more, make sure he has a clear understanding of how you feel. If you feel a third party should be involved then you go that route as well. You both do what you feel needs to be done to get your marriage back to where it should be. He himself obvioulsy thinks he has some what of a problem too, or he wouldn't be willing to back off or quit. Good luck to you all.

 

 

 

Jade

[Mr. Lucky]

Could he stop? I suppose (I personally could NOT)

If he can stop, would there be resentment? Again, I suppose HE could, but I could NOT

I think this would be true for me as well. And I wonder, with your marriage in general and your sex life in particular, if the cure here won't be worse than the disease.

 

Since this is an activity he does on his own and by himself (duh!), you're either going to have to try and catch him at it or pressure him to admit to it. Both approaches sound (at least to me) counterproductive and uncomfortable.

 

Mr. Lucky

[hrtingsobd]

A realization hit me while reading my post again. I am hurt too deeply by this issue right now to give you advice or even an opinion.....I can only tell you what I feel and what I did and whay my man did which has none of the same variables as your situation. I am truly sorry....no business at all even posting on this issue and I will keep my fingers from doing the talking on the porn threads from now on.

[Pink_Tulip]

As I have said on many threads before, why don't you and your H make your own porn? Men are visual, they like looking at sex. Many women have an issue with porn, so make your own and you both win. Have you discussed this with him? I am guessing it would take care of any resentment as well.

[Carbine]

It kind of perturbs me that he seems willing to give up porn without argument. I mean, if he's been ogling naked girls since the age of 18 (or younger) then surely he's going to feel some sort of resentment at being told, point blank, to give up his habit?

 

He's probably thinking "what she doesn't know can't hurt her" and has already decided to keep a secret stash of porn where he knows you won't find it. Even if he doesn't feel resentment now, i think it's very likely he will down the track. In my experience, men see porn as their God-given right, and simply don't understand why their female SO's feel so anxious about it. When I asked my ex bf to quit his porn habit, the reaction that I got was like what I'd expect if I'd asked him to stop breathing! He just didn't get it. Even after I made him promise no more porn, I found some in his phone, and in his room when I went snooping. We split up soon after this.

 

LOL...in fact, we're going to a lingerie fashion show together next week. At first, when he mentioned it, I said "What in the world would make you think that I want to go look at a bunch of nearly-naked girls prancing down a runway??" He said "Well, I thought we could go for the fun of it, you could get dressed all sexy in a short dress or skirt or something, and we could just amuse ourselves - maybe even make fun of some of the outfits." (No, I'm not stupid enough to think he just wants to go and laugh at the girls. ) So, about ten minutes later I said, "Okay, we can go, but you better F my brains out when we get home." He said "That goes without saying".

 

So basically what you're saying is that you don't mind being a dumping ground for him to shoot his load into while he fantasises about other women? Yet you say you're fairly anti-porn? How on earth does that work?? I personally cant imagine anything more degrading than being f*cked while my man imagines himself screwing more attractive lingere-clad women, other than telling him that it's perfectly ok to go out and cheat on me. I may as well be a blow-up doll, ffs!

 

Drugs and alcohol have a proveable, chemical component to the associated addiction. How can porn be the same way?

Mr. Lucky

 

Drug and alcohol addiction has both chemical components and behavioural components associated with the addiction. One isn't necessarily worse than the other. Okay, so a guy who stops looking at porn isn't going to start shaking, sweating and vomiting from withdrawals. But there's still the unrelenting mental/emotional desire for the porn that will most likely lead to him going back to it on the sly.

 

That's where drug/alcohol addiction and porn addiction are very similar - the repetitive acts, consistent lying and underhanded behaviour that ends up damaging relationships and trust. Not to mention putting a substance or a porn actress ahead of the ones you love.

[new_stella]

Thanks again everyone for your repliew,

I know I need to talk more about it with him and I will.

 

I would never try and tell you (or anyone else) how they should feel about this, as that is a personal thing. I will try and tell you, however, why I feel that you shouldn't be threatened by it.

I know you’re trying to help and I’m listening. Thanks.

 

All men ( and I do mean ALL) have an active and ongoing sexual imagination that is simply part of us.

Funny you should say that because, if you asked my H, he would say that I am the one with an ‘active and ongoing sexual imagination’.

 

It knows no social, racial or cultural bounds. It's the part of our brain that says "Wow, that sexual position would be fun to try with my wife". It's also the part of our brain that says "Wow, that sexual position would be fun to try with the checkout girl at the grocery store".

Are you ABSOLUTELY sure that this goes for ALL men?

Because my H claims that he has never actually imagined sex with a strange woman like that – not even before he met me. Yes, when he was much younger and didn’t have anyone important in his life… but I don’t think it qualifies as a ‘part of him’.

 

You have a good sex life. You communicate well. You respect each other. I'm just extrapolating from your posts (and forgive me if I'm wrong), but there seems to be some healthy give and take in your relationship.

That’s true.

 

 

Tommyr, this is pretty accurate understanding of my problem.

 

I was never again masturbation itself.

 

Are you saying that masturbation is always about the other women?

(Please take time to answer this question, because, if this is true, then his abstinence from porn won’t accomplish anything)

 

If I understood correctly, you are saying that he may stop to look at porn, but will still fantasise about other women. And if I somehow ‘take away’ other women that will create “gaping VOID in his sexuality”.

Is that correct?

 

 

Hrtingsobd, that’s all right, I’m sure you understand how I feel.

The only difference is that I’m probably a little less angry.

Thanks for your support.

 

 

Since this is an activity he does on his own and by himself (duh!), you're either going to have to try and catch him at it or pressure him to admit to it.

How about:

I trust him that he will tell me himself.

Why can’t at least simple things stay simple?

 

 

It kind of perturbs me that he seems willing to give up porn without argument.

I think he wanted to show me how unimportant whole porn thing was to him.

 

He's probably thinking "what she doesn't know can't hurt her" and has already decided to keep a secret stash of porn where he knows you won't find it.

I don’t think that’s gonna happen. We have very honest relationship and I trust him. Besides, he already told me things that he didn’t have to, didn’t he?

 

Even if he doesn't feel resentment now, i think it's very likely he will down the track

That’s what I am afraid of.

 

I personally cant imagine anything more degrading than being f*cked while my man imagines himself screwing more attractive lingere-clad women, other than telling him that it's perfectly ok to go out and cheat on me. I may as well be a blow-up doll, ffs!

Agree.

[Guest]

my 2 cents

 

when there is no argument, that only means, it is not important to him - it should be a sign to u that he doesn't resent or that it is a problem - if he argued that would mean it MEANT something to him. if someone told me that i would take it as a HUGE sign not to worry and that he has no problem about his past. and we should always talk with our partner about our past, because all that is is about being honest, and the person asking is probably doing so simply to get to know u better. my gfs past is not a threat nor is it something i would be upset about - it is simply part of who she is and wouldn't you want to read the whole book instead of starting in the middle? knowledge helps, it is positive.

[tommyr]

Are you saying that masturbation is always about the other women?

(Please take time to answer this question, because, if this is true, then his abstinence from porn won’t accomplish anything)

 

I really dont understand your question: what other women? Porn doesn't contain women (as in female human beings with feelings who I could have an actual relationship with). For me, porn is just images which help me accomplish my masturbation goal (arosal ending with orgasm).

 

If I understood correctly, you are saying that he may stop to look at porn, but will still fantasise about other women. And if I somehow ‘take away’ other women that will create “gaping VOID in his sexuality”.

Is that correct?

 

The VOID I mention is that, sans porn, I have a very very VERY difficult time masturbating! Ive tried lots of porn alternatives (wife's panties, erotic stories, mental images, etc) but none of those "do it" for me. So to forbid me porn would have devastating effect on an almost-daily act for the past 25 years. I dunno precisely what the outcome might be if I were to go weeks/months of sexual frustration (impaired masturbation) but I am guessing it might not be so good for my marriage.

 

As things are right now, my wife seems content with our present twice/month sex schedule. I am NOT, and have been talking about this with her on a very regular basis. Our talks now are almost to the point where I sound like a cliche 16 year old boy, begging his girlfriend to "please give it up".

 

Will see how it goes, but meanwhile, I think both me and wife are grateful for my porn use.

[loggrad98]

Tommy that makes me wonder what you did to masturbate before you ever found porn?

 

I think when masturbation becomes a crutch or a substitute for intimate relations with the S.O. then it becomes a problem. I mean this from the perspective of the masturbator...if you are choosing masturbation and porn OVER a willing S.O., that is a problem and you probably need help or a new relationship if that one is so unfulfilling you would rather turn to porn and your hand than a willing woman.

 

As others have said...my 2 cents.