All I wanted was to fool around...

[DCM]

I apologize in advance for how angsty and long this may end up being. I don't usually fret over this sort of stuff, but I could really use the advice.

 

I dated a girl for a little over a year back in 03/04, then we broke up in a very dramatic fashion and were not at all friendly. I've been with plenty of girls since her and plenty before her, but she's the only one I've ever been in love with. Over the years, though, we started talking again and became very good friends. So good, in fact, that she set me up on a date with a friend of hers a few months ago. This friend of hers is basically my dream girl.

 

Anyway, while I was going on the occasional date with her friend, my ex and I would hang out and often it would lead to us fooling around. I told her it meant nothing, she told me it meant nothing, it was all pretty good. Then, a couple of weeks back, my ex and I got into a fight about something I did THREE YEARS ago, and she ended up kind-of ruining things with the friend of hers who I was seeing.

 

My ex and I have since made up, are closer than ever, and now we talk every night, hang out a few times a week, and can't keep our hands off of each other when we're together. I wasn't really sweating it, I was just having fun and didn't want anything more... until last weekend she said "I love you". This was unexpected, but what was even more unexpected was that I said it back without hesitation, and it actually felt good. We say it occasionally when we talk, and we've even started acting like a couple (kissing and holding hands in public, plans to go away for a weekend sometime in the new year, etc.)

 

I was pretty shocked because I never saw myself ever reconciling with this girl and I really liked her friend who I was seeing, but this felt so right that I went with it.

Then, the other day, she said "I love you" and I said it back... but she followed it up with "but I'm not in love with you". This is something I have said to her before in the past, because it was how I felt. I do care for her a lot, but I honestly didn't see myself ever being in love with her again. However, hearing her say it to me really killed.

 

Finally tonight we were talking and out of nowhere she was says to me "we're just friends right? I mean, we fool around and stuff, but we aren't anything more than friends right? I mean we go out and talk a lot and spend time together and I call you babe, but that doesn't mean I want to date you."

 

I was just floored by this. I just said "yeah sure baby, no stress here", but it actually killed me to hear this. I can't believe I am saying this, but I am in love with my ex girlfriend. I thought I was being smooth as hell by fooling around with her while pulling one of her friends, and I ended up falling for her again.

 

Anyway, what the hell is going on here? Should I just cut my losses now to save myself the pain and humiliation of what seems like inevitable heartbreak? Or is there enough there for this to be genuinely worth the shot?

[jusified]

well.....this is some F*kd up Sh*t.

 

Maybe shes playing games with you to get back at you for things you've done in the past.

 

Whats up with making out with you while setting you up with a friend, thats not cool on the friend.

 

Anyways man, what ever it is you need to get out of it, the way this is going its not going anywhere pleasant.

[Guest]

my 2 cents

 

when someone tells u that they are not 'in love with u' - what u should do is the obvious thing - start doing things romantic and treat her special and show that u are IN LOVE with her. take the time to show her she's important and maybe she will fall back IN LOVE with u.

[DCM]

Jusified, you're completely right... she can't exactly be called person of the year for doing that to her friend, so I guess I couldn't put it past her to be doing this just to mess with me. Part of me just wants to bail on this and not risk it, but I don't exactly fall in love that often so it's pretty hard to just walk away.

 

 

And to the guest, that's a good theory too. Only thing is that she knows how important she is to me, because I'm basically the only person in her life who has been there for her without fail when she absolutely needed someone for the past 4 years.

Not only that but she says the oddest things. She went away for thursday, friday and part of saturday last week and when she came back she asked me why I didn't call or text while she was gone (I was really busy), asked if I missed her and asked how often I think about her. I deflected the question because I don't want to seem too eager, and this prompted her to tell me she missed me a lot and that she's nearly always thinking about me.

 

Basically I'm wondering, what the **** is she thinking? It seems to me like she's in love with me, but out of nowhere she just decided to make it "clear" to me that she wasn't.

[silentcharon]

This kind of thing makes me cringe.

 

I was the ex girlfriend in this sort of situation, and I found out my ex slept with my good friend, and continued to do so, playing the "confused" card every time either one of us asked. Things ended very badly- I made up my mind to move on and not look back. It was all because he couldn't make up his mind.

 

So. I would suggest that you tell your ex girlfriend how you feel, hope for the best and break it off with her friend. Or stop it with the ex and go along with the friend. No in between's, or you (or the ex) will just cause even more heartache in the end of the long run.

 

It's just not worth it.

[D-Lish]

What you're experiencing here is classic reverse psychology.

You were fine with not wanting her...until she said "I DON'T WANT YOU".

That is where the tables turned .

 

I didn't really think I loved my ex bf until he said to me that he didn't love me and didn't want to be with me anymore. Everything changed when he said those words. I felt like I lost control and all of a sudden found myself madly in love with him and wanting him back.

 

You want to regain that control?

Tell her you've met someone on the side and are going to go on a date with her. You can explain it as "afterall, we're just friends with benefits right?"

 

That will throw her for a loop- I guarantee it.

D

[silentcharon]

You want to regain that control?

Tell her you've met someone on the side and are going to go on a date with her. You can explain it as "afterall, we're just friends with benefits right?"

 

That will throw her for a loop- I guarantee it.

D

 

Yes, but why would the ex girlfriend go so far to hook him up with her friend? This messes with your theory- it should have thrown her off, but it didn't, she still said she didn't want him. I just can't see how dating someone else would make a difference.

[DCM]

silentcharon, I'm no longer dating her friend, I should have been clearer about that . I figured if I broke things off with her friend, then there's still a chance of trying with her down the road if my ex and I don't work out. If I dated them both I'd probably end up with neither.

 

If I tell her that I'm feeling differently all of a sudden, I'm worried I'll just ruin what little there is there to work with. Sort of like fanning an ember too hard when you're making a campfire and blowing it out.

 

She seems very reluctant to be defined as my girlfriend, which I think may be part of the problem (probably stemming from the trainwreck that was the end of our last relationship). We were discussing New Years plans last night, and we're both going to the same party that one of our friends is having, but she told me she was worried about it because shes "been single for so long, [she] doesn't really know how to act at a party when [she's] with someone". I didn't say anything but I was thinking 'with someone? i thought we were just friends. goddamn this **** is confusing'.

 

D-Lish, a move like that could end up in my favour or it could end up making things worse. She is the jealous type, but she will never ever admit to it. When she gets jealous she doesn't tell me or try harder, she usually just fumes silently and tries to get back at me. Come to think of it, that's one of the reasons we broke up 2 years ago.

 

Perhaps something less bold like simply withdrawing my attention for a week would work? I don't mean being a jerk, but what if I just filled all my time with other stuff and didn't talk to her until this time next week? That's like the reverse psychology thing, only a little watered down.

[jusified]

to be honest, DCM, a girl like that probably will have negative affects on your life.

 

The best thig I reckon you could have done was stick to her friend and say to the ex "look, no more of these games, I'm with this girl now we can not keep doing what we are doing".

 

Obviously thats too late and I know you still have feelings for her, its hard but don't be scared to let go and move on.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

JUST WHAT IF.... she's feeling a little insecure, wondering where she stands, but doesn't want to scare you away? Women are always told NOT to bring up the "dating and more" issue, to let the man go there. Maybe she was trying to open the door for that discussion without setting herself up for disappointment. I would be honest with her.

[DCM]

I'm sensing from these replies that this sort of thing isn't a standard situation with a standard solution. I was sort of hoping this would be a "oh yeah this happens all the time, here is what you do to fix it" sort of thing. Wishful thinking I suppose. haha

 

Obviously thats too late and I know you still have feelings for her, its hard but don't be scared to let go and move on.

 

I've done it before with this girl. It's been hard to leave her behind, but I've done it and been happy. It's just that that time I could tell myself "ah man, don't worry, you'll find love again... first love isn't forever" but it's been a few years since then and I've been with a lot of girls, and I haven't felt half as much for them as I did/do for my ex.

 

 

 

JUST WHAT IF.... she's feeling a little insecure, wondering where she stands, but doesn't want to scare you away? Women are always told NOT to bring up the "dating and more" issue, to let the man go there. Maybe she was trying to open the door for that discussion without setting herself up for disappointment. I would be honest with her.

 

The optimistic part of me wants to believe this for sure. She's definitely not the type who would bring it up if she wanted more. I've always been the one who has had to do it from day one. That's what made the "I love you" "I miss you" "I think about you every day" out of nowhere so surprising. But, again, this made the "we're just friends" thing out of nowhere equally blind-siding.

I honestly get the impression that she would react negatively to me telling her how I feel.

There was a time the other day when I had to tell her some serious news about a friend of ours and I started with a "I need to talk to you", then I told her I loved her to soften the blow before I told her because I knew the news would hit her kinda hard. Anyway, because of the serious way I started the conversation, she thought I was going to talk about us getting back into a relationship and she seemed uncomfortable and nervous.

 

 

I don't generally need advice about my love life, I'm usually a pretty together guy. But as you can see, 75% of this interaction with her is going out, kissing, fooling around, making plans for the future, acting like a couple and saying I love you, and the other 25% is her saying the exact opposite of this. It's all just so freaking confusing.

[DCM]

Anyways man, what ever it is you need to get out of it, the way this is going its not going anywhere pleasant.

 

I am getting out of it... I took a step back from the situation and realized how ludicrous it is and I should not be doing this to myself. I tried to break it off tonight, but it will have to wait 'til tomorrow I think.

[jusified]

Good job DCM,

 

YOu know,it might be hard for the first few weeks, month but after a while you will become a better person and realise how much better it is. Then maybe when you least expect it a betterperson will come along. Good luck and let us all know how it goes.

[Trialbyfire]

If your last relationship ended up as a train wreck, do you wonder why she's confused? Look at you, you're also confused.

 

Best to sit down with her and really communicate what the two of you want from each other. In order to do that, both of you have to be prepared to throw your pride and ego out the window. You also have to stop trying to protect yourselves during this convo. Otherwise you will not be completely honest with each other.

[DCM]

Good job DCM,

 

YOu know,it might be hard for the first few weeks, month but after a while you will become a better person and realise how much better it is. Then maybe when you least expect it a betterperson will come along. Good luck and let us all know how it goes.

 

Thanks

 

Anyway, as for an update: two nights ago she fooled around with my oldest friend and last night she screamed at me for the same thing she was angry with me before (something i did THREE YEARS AGO).

 

Jusified, bro, you could not have been more right... this was a bad call by me from the get go.

[jusified]

no worries man, well it will only get easier for you from here. Its still hard but as long as you know she's got some real Problems and is bad news for you. That you would not want to be with her again then you are in control. Give that mentality some time and you will see even if she wants you back its just not a good thing for you.

 

Move on, next chapter of your life mate...merry x-mas from land down under

[D-Lish]

The more you reveal about the story the two of you have- the more it's obvious there's a lot of issues you should be concerned about.

 

So, she sets you up with her friend, then she sabotages that relationship, then she draws you back in, gives you mixed signals, now she's fooling around with a friend of yours? She sounds like bad news.

 

The more you describe what you're dealing with, the more it sounds like you need to get away from her.

 

Whether she's confused, or a little messed up, or has a problem with emotional availability and commitment... It doesn't matter. These are her problems and issues.

 

I'd say good-bye if I were you and run in the other direction.

This isn't a woman capable of engaging in a healthy relaitonship with you at the moment.

 

Make yourself happy, move forward and leave her behind.

D

[Guest12]

i am curious, what went wrong to break your relationship in the first place? That probably be the reason, for all her mixed signal or her behaviour.

 

From what i have read. She really sound like she is confused or clever. First her setting you and her friend up, what the real reason for that? You guys fooling around makes her friend the bait in all this, from the outside viewing in. Does she want to get back at her friend and you at the same time with setting you guys up. It sounds like killing two birds with one stone. This is just my theory, but i am just saying what i have read.

[silentcharon]

DLish is right.

 

Tell your ex it's over and move on. This isn't love- your ex is being selfish. You said she seemed recluant to be your girlfriend, well, you have your answer- she slept with your friend.

 

Gently remove your balls from her grip and run like hell!

[InvisibleTouch]

Not wanting to sound too patronising but this is playground stuff. Children behave like this.

 

Look up the definition of love and then compare it to your situation. Chalk and cheese?

 

Do not allow her to project her confusion into your life. That is unhealthy and doesn't reflect well on you. Re-align your boundaries and start protecting your sanity.

[Guest]

u never know what people will do. i am going to tell u a story that most people will find hard to believe but it is true. i once was with a woman and we loved each other deeply but the wheels fell off and we drifted away. now during the separation we found other more about each other than we probably would have when we were together or didn't go thru all this. and this woman truly has a weird way of showing her love for me, she will spy and do nutsy things and then feel guilty and find ways of making it up to me.

 

and i do the same that's why we still have contact. now, when we were together she saw another man, and we both know why that happened and we both understand what it means, and we both are people beyond others we know because we have the ability and wisdom of those who live the life of faieries and trees while keeping our feet on this earth. so, one day, she saw me on a dating site and found a way to make amends - one encounter with someone else, can be eqaulized and accepted if the other did the same.

 

so, like magic someone appeared and immediately showered me with affection and lust that was over the top - and i took advance of that but discovered that all i was doing wwith this woman was what i wanted with another. and i knew that she was watching everything just as she always has. she will not admit this but part of her likes to do things that way, sexuality express not face to face but in shadows - i understand it and think it is kewl

[simon sez]

You want to regain that control?

Tell her you've met someone on the side and are going to go on a date with her. You can explain it as "afterall, we're just friends with benefits right?"

 

That will throw her for a loop- I guarantee it.

 

BINGO. Perfect advice. Works like a charm. Men who are successful with women KNOW that women prefer to chase and are much happier chasing than when being chased. Never pursue a woman who backs off from you.

NEVER..

[shoesies05]

i say dont play any games until you tell her how you feel about her.

 

After that if she pulls away, or tells you she doesnt feel the same. Date someone on the side, and see how she reacts. Sometimes games get a person to realize what they are missing.

 

It could just be also that she like the game of cat and mouse, and she likes to chase you. Be careful!