Need advice and this is my last resort...I'm confused-please help

[jasmine_girl]

Okay...Here goes...I didn't want to have to post anything on the internet to help me out, but right now, I don't know what else to do.

 

Anyway, it starts like this-I was a freshman in high school and I started going out with this guy. I was 14 years old at the time and I fell in love with him. We married at 18-and I don't think I need to mention that he was the only guy I had ever been with. I have never dated anyone else and I didn't get to live my teen age years. Like I said before, we married at 18, and one year after we married I met someone who was a complete sweetheart to be with. I saw him probably three times before he told me he had a job lined up out of the country. We talked the whole time he was gone-which was about a year. (And I have to say all those late night chats were wonderful)!!!! He came back home and we continued to talk and saw each other a little more. It was just friendship at first, but recently it has become more than that. We started to say "I Love You" to each other (And I don't think I have to say that we had been intimate, but I just thought I'd mention it.)

 

I guess I should mention that I have no children-and that should make my decision a lot easier on me but it doesn't.

 

My husband is a really good man, although sometimes he is very jealous. I have fallen in love with this other man-who is also very wonderful. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. Should I stop talking to "my friend' with who my love has grown for the sake of my marriage??? Or should I fullfill my future with my husband??? any advice would be wonderful.....thanks-jasmine

[clia]

How old are you?

 

I'm just going to be honest here. You have done a terrible thing. (I'm not an advocate of cheating...and I don't think cheating has to be physical, either. But the fact that you HAVE been intimate with this other guy AND have been telling him you love him...sheesh. How do you face yourself every day?)

 

No wonder your husband is jealous, if you've been talking to and have slept with another man for the past year.

 

You need to stop, think, and figure out right now what you want. Do you want to be with this other guy, or do you want to be with your husband? Don't ask people on the Internet--what do YOU want?

 

It sounds to me like you do not deserve your husband. Has he been faithful to you? How is your marriage, if you can even see it underneath this "love" you have for another man?

 

You made a mistake and married young, so fine, get out now.

 

But for future reference, when you get married, you make a vow to God and everyone that you will remain faithful. You clearly did not take this vow seriously. In the future, you might consider taking it more seriously. It's not cool to cheat on your spouse.

 

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but YOU made a choice to marry your husband. From what you posted, no one forced you into it. And you chose not to fulfill that choice, given what you've been doing. That's not fair to your husband at all. I feel for him. The best thing you can do right now is leave him, so he can find a girl who will appreciate him and love him, which you clearly do not do. He deserves better.

 

Just My Opinion, of course.

[Tony T]

Marriage is a committment you make to be faithful to another person. If you're not good for your word, then go ahead and do what you want.

 

But if you decide to leave your husband, please please never get married to anybody ever again. If you can't keep committments (you're husband has been nice and not abusive so that shouldn't be difficult in your present situation) and you can't keep yourself from falling for other men, you are simply not qualified for the state of matrimony.

[BeReal]

You've been with the same man since a young age. I understand that you haven't really had a chance to see what's out there and learn from different experiences.

 

Are you happy with your current husband? I think being a "really good man" is not enough. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your husband or does it feel like an obligation to you?

 

Ideally you would decide to divorce before getting involved with someone else. You need to make a decision about your current husband regardless of what you have going on with this new guy. So maybe you need to break if off with the new guy until you decide. Don't jump into a new marriage. Take time to figure out who you are and what you want.

[velvet]

I think your question was answered a year ago.

 

Some people have it in them to marry the first person they fall in love with and stay married for up to half a century or more. Some people (like yourself) cannot. Not saying that it isn't possible for you to marry someone and stay faithful with that person forever, because anything is possible. In your case, it seems that you grew up and you grew out of love from your husband. If you can say right now that your in love with your husband, I would believe thats just your imagination. The imagination is much more powerful and tricky than reality itself.

 

You have chosen to love someone else. This is a reality check! Loving and longing for someone else is the BIG SIGN. This sign that you have over looked says "It's Over". You failed to read it a year ago because your afraid to. Your in a comfort zone. You want another man and fear to make that big change in your life called divorce.

 

Lets say that you really want to be with your husband. You have to come clean with him and end your affair. Otherwise, you would only be lying to yourself, confusing yourself and build your deceitful character up to a nightmare.

 

The answer is simple. You have to either end your marriage or end your affair and come clean with your husband.

 

What you want is the easy way out. Something that wont inflict pain on anyone. You want a cushy way out. Otherwise you would not be here. You already know what you want to do. The first step in anything that involves allot of work or emotion in life can be very uncomfortable.

[Ally Boo]

Some guys prey on married women bc there are no "strings." And I don't think the fact that he tells you he loves you changes the possibility that it could be happening here. A friend of mine was in your position, she told the guy who she had been falling for that she told her husband she was going to leave, and the guy just totally dropped off the face of the earth. They know that married women need to hear I love you, and stuff, and SOME guys are actually evil like this and you will never know until it comes down to the truth.

[Debster]

There are a lot of cheaters posting here recently. What gets me the most is that they talk about breaking their commitment and cheating on their husband/wife so casually and then put a little thing at the end of their post of how they don't want to hurt their husbands/wife.

 

WAKE UP: What do you think the cheating is doing?!

[Ally Boo]

Sounds like Steven....

 

"Ally, I swear I dont do these things to intentionally hurt you."

 

Oh ok, so I guess you just had your ex spend the night at your house to NOT hurt me. Oh yeah and kiss her and tell her that you miss her and want to be with her to NOT hurt me as well."

 

Please, you people need to lay off the drugs...

[Just A Girl2]

Jasmine:

 

Doing the math, I think I've figured that you're about 20 or 21, correct?

 

First of all, keep this in mind: the grass always LOOKS greener on the other side.

 

This "friend" of yours.....I'm sure things with him seem just PERFECT...but would they be so perfect if you were with him instead?..like in a real relationship? marriage?

 

It's always very easy for things with someone you're fooling around with, to seem perfect. Why? Because you get the "best time" to spend together. It's not a real relationship, it's more like 'stolen moments here and there'......there's no "real life" to get in the way.......there's few stressors in the so-called relationship.....like having to make decisions together, learning to compromise, getting along for extended periods of time, dealing with each other's differences, etc. Things are always "new and exciting", too.

 

When you compare all this with your husband....a guy you've been with for 2-3 yrs, well by comparison, things with hubby likely seem comfortable yet dull. So have you actually tried to spice things up? To take your marriage to a newer level? Considering you married so young and are still young, you're only just getting to point where you and hubby (is he around the same age??) can really understand fully what marriage is about........the beauty of it, the passion there can be, etc etc.

 

Of course when you compare 'familiar old hubby' to this dream guy, hubby's going to seem sort of boring.....but IS he boring? He obviously loved you enough to commit his life to you, and you to him, right?

 

You could divorce hubby today, and start a real relationship with the other guy.....and in time (short period or long period), find out that new guy isn't what you thought he was........he could have all kinds of quirks and idiosyncracies and faults that drive you nuts..........he could be someone who's a flirt, who's hitting on other women all the time, who's lazy, who's argumentative, who has abusive tendencies, who's a compulsive liar, who's a major slob, who's really very boring.

 

AND..think about it. The other guy obviously KNOWS you're married, right? And he's still hanging out with you, having sex with you. So, he obviously doesn't have all that much respect for marriage......and couldn't care less about being "the other man." If he's willing to be a part of 'cheating' NOW, who's to say he won't end up cheating on YOU one day? He's already made it quite clear that sleeping with someone's WIFE doesn't go against his morals...right?

 

Have you really tried hard in your marriage?

 

I sense that you're almost kind of justifying doing what you're doing, because you "married young and had never been with anyone else before." While that might be true, it's really not a sound reason to betray your husband.

 

Are you IN LOVE with your husband? How does he treat you?

 

I think you need to do some major soul-searching here........time to get real. Take off the rose-colored glasses, and try to push away this belief that this 'other guy' is so great (he might be the biggest horse's arse if you were in a real relationship with him)......maybe even see a counsellor (one who deals with marital problems) and do your best to get to the bottom of the issues here. You owe that to your husband, don't you think??

 

And in the meantime, while you're sorting this out, stay away from the other guy, no sleeping with him, nothing.

 

If you feel you must continue to pursue things with 'other guy', then do the RIGHT thing, and tell hubby what's up and ask for a divorce.........so that he can get on with his young life and find someone who's right for him, who's committed, who will be faithful, who will love him totally and unconditionally.