Atheist Etiquette Quandry... Advise

[Okeydokey]

I understand that my views are not like most of US society. I am an atheist. So, please try to understand (even if you don't agree with my point of view) that this is a genuine request for advice about how to deal with a VERY uncomfortable situation.

 

My atheist friends and I actually find it offensive when people say "god bless you" or "I am going to pray for you." If it only happens once or twice it isn't really a big deal, but for many of us there are people who are a constant part of our lives (in-laws, co-workers, acquaintances) who may say these sorts of things repeatedly and it can be very genuinely upsetting.

 

For example, a close friend of mine had a child with severe disabilities. She is an atheist and her in-laws are christian. Everytime she goes to visit her in-laws they say things like, "god works in mysterious ways and I am praying for you and your baby." She dislikes hearing these things and it actually makes it harder for her to cope w/her situation.

 

Just as it is not socially acceptable for atheists to voice our views publicly and express them to complete strangers - I feel that others should be considerate of our views too and keep religious faith private. Given that is not the case, do any of the loveshack members, especially those who are religious, have any suggestions for a polite way to say "Please don't pray for me or please don't ask God to bless me or just please don't share your religious sentiments with me"?

[CarolAnne]

My gut reaction is that even though you don't believe in the same thing these people do, they mean well and are wishing you well on the best terms that they understand.

 

I visited family in Lebanon a few years ago and they would wish that Allah look after me, Allah protect me and Allah willing I should visit them again. I am not Muslim but I just took it as a sweet way for them to express caring and love. So it wasn't offensive at all. I don't think I would have corrected them or said "I don't believe in Allah" because they weren't trying to convert me or anything. Also its sort of a social convention.

 

I guess, I'd try to see it as their way of wishing that good things happen to you in the future. But if you get the impression that they are doing it maliciously, like emphasizing JESUS in the hopes of getting some kind of reaction out of you then you should say something. I hate it when people beat you over the head with their own religious way of seeing things. Also don't think that just because you are aethist you are alone in ppl thinking there is something wrong with your way of thinking, I'm Catholic and I get the same reaction from certain ppl. I'll never forget a certain Latter Day Saint who told me my religion was deeply flawed and that I had not yet seen the true God or salvation then gave me some Watchtower religious magazines to read.

[ilmw]

My gut reaction is that even though you don't believe in the same thing these people do, they mean well and are wishing you well on the best terms that they understand.

 

I visited family in Lebanon a few years ago and they would wish that Allah look after me, Allah protect me and Allah willing I should visit them again. I am not Muslim but I just took it as a sweet way for them to express caring and love. So it wasn't offensive at all. I don't think I would have corrected them or said "I don't believe in Allah" because they weren't trying to convert me or anything. Also its sort of a social convention.

 

I guess, I'd try to see it as their way of wishing that good things happen to you in the future. But if you get the impression that they are doing it maliciously, like emphasizing JESUS in the hopes of getting some kind of reaction out of you then you should say something. I hate it when people beat you over the head with their own religious way of seeing things. Also don't think that just because you are aethist you are alone in ppl thinking there is something wrong with your way of thinking, I'm Catholic and I get the same reaction from certain ppl. I'll never forget a certain Latter Day Saint who told me my religion was deeply flawed and that I had not yet seen the true God or salvation then gave me some Watchtower religious magazines to read.

 

Yup I agree...

 

I was never realy an antheist... more an agnostic... (kinda of a fence sitter)...

 

My beliefs just recently shifted towrds a higher being... but that is a whole other story...

 

Saying that... I can understand some of the discomfort you may be facing... as I do remember in the past doing this ( ) when ever someone would talk about 'God'...

 

Not sure that was of any help....

[Storyrider]

I can see where you're coming from, but I can't think of a polite way of saying what you want to say.

 

In terms of the in-laws situation you mentioned, maybe it makes them feel better to put the problem of a sick child in a God-oriented framework, even if it does bug your friend. I would just let it be and change the subject ASAP.

[Rooster_DAR]

Some may be genuine in the motives, but I believe more of them are tyring to pressure you with guilt. My family does this to me when I go visit them, and it's very annoying. When I'm at guests house, or out to dinner with people it does not offend me one bit to say grace, I actually join them. But when people try to use guilt as a way of trying to manipulate your way of thinking, it's just lame.

 

Cheers!

[burning 4 revenge]

Given the gravity of existence in the absence of god i dont see how a three letter word can possibly upset you......

[magda]

I know what you mean. My parents do this to me all the time. I'm not athiest, but I'm not Christian. It's annoying to me that I have to grin and bear all their "Jesus" type comments, but if I were to say anything, it would turn into a big "thing". I would just say thank you, ignore. I don't think that under ordinary circumstances being told that God works in mysterious ways, etc, is upsetting so under ordinary circumstances, no comment is necessary. One should simply appreciate the thought behind the gesture.

 

I think that if your friend, or whoever, finds themselves dealing with this problem over and over with someone you see a lot, a discussion is in order. My mom is actually coming by tomorrow to spend a couple of nights and I've got a big ole, rant in danger of coming out if she brings up God. I'm going to try to keep it cool but I'm definitely sick of keeping my mouth shut, and so is my husband. It's going to go something like, "Mom, you know we aren't Christian. I'd appreciate if you would try and keep the God-comments to a mimimum." If she tries to save my soul again at this point, I'm going to tell her that if God wants me, he knows where to find me and leave it to him to "save" me because she lost privileges.

[Love Hurts]

Why is it that if an Atheists does not believe in God…. A God Bless You offends you so much?

Did you see ...Fright Night?

When someone says God Bless you; is it like holy water is to a Dracula in that horror flick?

Why isn’t it like water off your back?

I don’t get it?

He is not real……….. He can not hurt you. He has no demands on you. You are a free person and well he just does not exist.

With all those zeros or negatives adding up to nothing to be concerned over.

Why concern yourself with it? Why would a blessing have so much impact…on of all people a self proclaimed Atheist?

 

You need to get over your anxiety or fears and just be a proud Atheist……. Be a strong Atheist ……….Be the best Atheist you can be……….. and above all let the Looney tunes say sufferin succotash

Happy Peter Pan Day, Pixy Dust Tooters and God Bless

 

Can we just all melt into one pot here.

[Okeydokey]

Why is it that if an Atheists does not believe in God…. A God Bless You offends you so much?

Why isn’t it like water off your back?

I don’t get it?

Can we just all melt into one pot here.

 

First, assume that you are completely against racism and someone comes into your house using a bunch of racial slurs. If you try to explain why you feel uncomfortable with the racist language the person is using they then insist on explaining to you why it is completely justified. These are deeply personal things - and I feel that the highly religious comments show a lack of consideration for the person who is the recipient of the unwanted words and a lack of consideration for the fact that people have very different world views from ones own. Furthermore, the religious language rarely comes across as a sort of I respect your beliefs these are mine and lets just move on type of way. It usually feels like dogma or harassment and a lot of judgment about the way the atheist/agnostic/catholic/any religion that is different chooses to view the world. That is why it is offensive.

 

I've had friends who were DEEPLY religious and would only occasionally make religious comments (in a personal way) and were very respectful of my values. In those cases, I rarely found the words disturbing and like an earlier poster said you can take it as "this is my way of saying that I care for you in the best way I know how." So, it is not that we are talking about...

 

"Mom, you know we aren't Christian. I'd appreciate if you would try and keep the God-comments to a mimimum." If she tries to save my soul again at this point, I'm going to tell her that if God wants me, he knows where to find me and leave it to him to "save" me because she lost privileges.

 

Best of luck with your conversation please do let us know if you come up with any useful responses that are not hurtful.

[Love Hurts]

First, assume that you are completely against racism and someone comes into your house using a bunch of racial slurs. If you try to explain why you feel uncomfortable with the racist language the person is using they then insist on explaining to you why it is completely justified. These are deeply personal things - and I feel that the highly religious comments show a lack of consideration for the person who is the recipient of the unwanted words and a lack of consideration for the fact that people have very different world views from ones own. Furthermore, the religious language rarely comes across as a sort of I respect your beliefs these are mine and lets just move on type of way. It usually feels like dogma or harassment and a lot of judgment about the way the atheist/agnostic/catholic/any religion that is different chooses to view the world. That is why it is offensive.]

 

Personally have experienced Jehovah Witnesses explain their belief to me. On many occasions and they knock on the door. I can choose not to open it. But they still leave me tracts. I have grown weary of them on occasion…. and again.. its them.

 

Its who they are. Its temporary. It’s a moment in time and it passes.,

I am not racist…….some people I love and hold dear to my heart are... I hear the slander. Its temporary and its them……. Its who they are. Its not me.

You and I for example are complete opposites in our beliefs.

Its who we are.

 

People have and are emerging from their closets today.

Why should they hide who they are? Society is more acceptable than ever of one another and each others freedoms to be who and what they are.

Lack of respect is just that ……..we all need to respect one another and if not. At least tolerate one another. Too include one another’s beliefs values and lifestyles.

 

See the real true line you are standing on ………… is the right to freedom of speech……… A Gag Order is not a good idea.

Once its accepted by the majority. All have lost their voice on more topics than the one you speak of.…….. Where does it stop? Where do we draw the line?

Who do we select next that we wish would stop speaking?

Devils advocate here:

How about Atheists? What if they should be told; Not to say…. there is No God.. Due to its offensiveness to those that believe there is one?

What if Atheists had to be very cautious as to whom they are speaking to? Or they could be held liable?

 

The Bottom line is FREEDOM!

Men have died for our right to freedom. Yet we in this country are tearing our selves apart from within……….

Beginning with the simple things; like don’t tell me that… I don’t want to hear it. Make them stop talking it hurts me.

 

Get some back bone like our forefathers had if you don’t like it spit on the ground and walk away. Or scream Atheism is one true way …

 

If certain people offend you … ignore them.

If the TV offends you turn it off.

If the radio offends you turn it off.

If the newspaper offends you don’t read it.

 

It’s the only way to live in a world harmoniously with so many variable beliefs and ideologies. Live and Let Live.

 

Bottom line,___ I like you, WANT.

I want to live my life in freedom.

I want the privy to say what I want to say and do what I want to do.

Its still a free country and its my life.

 

 

Strive for Peace.

Peace with who you are first and

Peace will be with you.

[Curmudgeon]

I don't think there is a polite way to say it. A simple "thank you" would be more appropriate. Someone expressing prayers for you is no different than you wishing them well. The intent is the same.

 

Assuming that mnost who use these phrases are Christians, they're practicing the tenets of their faith just as you practice your lack thereof by not saying such things.

 

As for your friend, she is, in my opinion, making a mountain out of a molehill and putting the wellbeing of her child second to her pseudo-sensibilities and obvious desire to take a contrarian view of what comes naturally to many others. She ought to chill and just accept that people are sincerely trying to be kind and comforting..

[Okeydokey]

To all of those who have responded I really want to thank you for your contribution because it has been a very interesting conversation with all of you...

 

There is clearly some miscommunication going on here... please take a look at my posts and reread carefully. Like I have said in each of these... I am not asking for advice about how to deal with well-meaning comments that are made sporadically!!!

 

This is about inistent comments in a way that we feel is inconsiderate made by people with whom we have close relationships and people who are fully aware that we are not religious. Like everyone who has weighed in here has said there are well-meaning comments interspersed occasionally which is simply another way of saying "I care for you." Those are fine and one can accept them graciously and change the subject.

 

Then there are comments which are used manipulatively as a way of saying "I am judging you for the fact that you don't believe and I think that your child is sick because you are not a believer so I am going to do what I can for this child by praying vehemently for it since you are not and you are harming your child by not praying for her." There is no way to respond to ask the person to stop saying those things because the words are couched in language where you have to read between the lines (and it is not paranoia - you know there are people out there who do say things with that intention) and if you come out and tell the person I know what you are really getting at and it is mean they will deny it to the hilt even though that is really what is going on. So, I am looking for some useful language to make the comments stop without having to deal with the underlying sentiments - just to make the words stop without being rude or offensive to the person who is saying it.

 

If anyone has any good ideas about how to respond to these comments that would be great!!!

[Okeydokey]

Lovehurts

 

I fully appreciate your concern about freedom of speech and believe me if anyone understand its importance, its me - Im about to graduate from law school and believe me I was one of the strongest proponents in my ConLaw class for more freedom rather than less.

 

This is not about silencing speech. This is about finding a way to say something in a non-hurtful way to let a loved one or a co-worker know that the words you are using with me are upsetting to me because that person might or might not have realized it yet and might actually want to know how you feel because they care about you and have not sat down and thought through the impact of their words, but rather that reiligious person simply find anothers values so foreign that the only response that comes to their mind is to express their own views more and more vehemently...

 

For example, Lovehurts, even though like you said, our worldviews are different, I am certain that you probably give your friends who have different beliefs your best wishes in a way that is very respectful of their values because I see that you have been empathetic and thoughtful about my concerns.

[bonehead]

I understand that my views are not like most of US society. I am an atheist. So, please try to understand (even if you don't agree with my point of view) that this is a genuine request for advice about how to deal with a VERY uncomfortable situation.

 

My atheist friends and I actually find it offensive when people say "god bless you" or "I am going to pray for you." If it only happens once or twice it isn't really a big deal, but for many of us there are people who are a constant part of our lives (in-laws, co-workers, acquaintances) who may say these sorts of things repeatedly and it can be very genuinely upsetting.

 

For example, a close friend of mine had a child with severe disabilities. She is an atheist and her in-laws are christian. Everytime she goes to visit her in-laws they say things like, "god works in mysterious ways and I am praying for you and your baby." She dislikes hearing these things and it actually makes it harder for her to cope w/her situation.

 

Just as it is not socially acceptable for atheists to voice our views publicly and express them to complete strangers - I feel that others should be considerate of our views too and keep religious faith private. Given that is not the case, do any of the loveshack members, especially those who are religious, have any suggestions for a polite way to say "Please don't pray for me or please don't ask God to bless me or just please don't share your religious sentiments with me"?

 

you have to remember that in the christian faith the belief is that unless you accept god you will not go to heaven in the after life.

 

Those that are close to you and are the biggest offenders truly want you " to go to heaven" . They want to see you in the here after.

[JamesM]

Believe it or not, I understand. And I think that these people should not keep making the remarks if they know it offends you. Personally, I feel that one would show more Christian values by showing their faith to you rather than saying it.

 

And I also believe that they are not so much trying to give you a guilt trip. I am guessing it is more of a I care for you attitude.

 

But, to me...if you simply told me that it offends you, I would say okay and quit. But that is me. If I was your father, I am not so sure I could let you off so easily.

 

I am not so sure it can be compared to race if you don't believe in God. If you did believe in God...I would say yes. If I was at the home of a Muslim or and athiest, I would be able to let any comments of that type slide off my back. If they wanted to start a conversations as to their beliefs versus mine, I don't get too offended if it is done in a rational and respectful way. But if it is intentionally derogatory, I would do as I tell you...please stop if you value my friendship. Otherwise, I need to leave.

[Storyrider]

How about a drawn-out, "Ouch!" with an aggrieved look on your face.

 

I have been advised to say that when veiled catty remarks are made by a mother-in-law. It shows that you understand the speaker's intent to be hurtful and that you don't find it OK. But if these people are very thick-skinned and dense it may require more of a sledge-hammer approach. Hard to be polite then.