Any hope for a second chance here?

[Guest]

I dated a man for a short time and we really clicked. Then suddenly I didn't hear from him. I tried contacting him several times and got no response. I figured he dumped me and I went off on him in an e-mail and it got a response. He mentioned some things going on in his life which he said prevented him from contacting me. I wasn't sure if it was true or just his way of not looking like a bad guy.

 

We talked on the phone and he wanted to end it because of my e-mail. He grew up in an abusive home. I'm still not sure if he had planned on dumping me all along. What had made me upset was that I have a hard time letting someone get close to me and finally let him and then he disappeared with no contact at all which was very hurtful to me.

 

I then found out that some medication I had started taking recently made my moods really irratic and I wrote him telling him about this and explaining that it is probably why I got so angry and again apologized. I got no response. I sent a few more e-mails but no response. I know he had some deadlines these last few weeks and was then going out of town for xmas.

 

I know we didn't know each other long but I wonder if there's any way to get him back even as a friend.

[westernxer]

I know we didn't know each other long but I wonder if there's any way to get him back even as a friend.

 

Doesn't sound like it.

 

You'd be better off if you just put this behind you.

[notmakingsense]

I then found out that some medication I had started taking recently made my moods really irratic and I wrote him telling him about this and explaining that it is probably why I got so angry and again apologized. I got no response. I sent a few more e-mails but no response. I know he had some deadlines these last few weeks and was then going out of town for xmas.

 

I know we didn't know each other long but I wonder if there's any way to get him back even as a friend.

 

You are just making excuses for him, and turning this around to be an issue with you. It isn't you, what happened was all him. Why would you want to be a freind with someone who communicates so poorly and treats you like that?

 

Move on.

[Guest]

You are just making excuses for him, and turning this around to be an issue with you. It isn't you, what happened was all him. Why would you want to be a freind with someone who communicates so poorly and treats you like that?

 

Move on.

 

I do think that it was partly his fault and it does bother me that he didn't take any of the blame for it. He pretty much let me take all of it. In fact, I foolishly begged him to stay and he told me that I'll know in my next situation/relationship what not to do. It was kind of patronizing. So I have mixed feelings over this whole thing.

 

Part of me feels like a fool for apologizing so profusely and telling him how great I think he is.

 

 

But at this point I want to communicate with him and I want to know how to go about that. That's really all I want to accomplish right now.

[sweetscarlet]

You are just making excuses for him, and turning this around to be an issue with you. It isn't you, what happened was all him. Why would you want to be a freind with someone who communicates so poorly and treats you like that?

 

Move on.

 

 

I decided to join to be able to get my posts on here sooner...

 

 

I do think that it was partly his fault and it does bother me that he didn't take any of the blame for it. He pretty much let me take all of it. In fact, I foolishly begged him to stay and he told me that I'll know in my next situation/relationship what not to do. It was kind of patronizing. So I have mixed feelings over this whole thing. Part of me feels like a fool for apologizing so profusely and telling him how great I think he is.

 

But at this point I want to communicate with him and I want to know how to go about that. That's really all I want to accomplish right now.

[notmakingsense]

In my opinion, you have done all you can do. You have reached out to him, apologized, given explanations, and so on.

 

The ball is in his court. He may get back to you, but not if you keep reaching out. Stop contacting him and start living your life as if he won't ever respond to you. This will result in two possible outcomes:

 

1. He'll begin to miss you, wonder why you aren't still groveling after him to come back. He'll contact you after some time because he'll begin to have second thoughts because he'll be afraid that he'll lose you for good.

 

2. He'll never respond. But after a while, it won't matter to you, because you will have started to move on with your life, having fun with friends and family, and maybe even be dating someone else that you click with.

[sweetscarlet]

In my opinion, you have done all you can do. You have reached out to him, apologized, given explanations, and so on.

The ball is in his court. He may get back to you, but not if you keep reaching out. Stop contacting him and start living your life as if he won't ever respond to you. This will result in two possible outcomes:

1. He'll begin to miss you, wonder why you aren't still groveling after him to come back. He'll contact you after some time because he'll begin to have second thoughts because he'll be afraid that he'll lose you for good.

2. He'll never respond. But after a while, it won't matter to you, because you will have started to move on with your life, having fun with friends and family, and maybe even be dating someone else that you click with.

 

I agree with not contacting him at least for awhile. I feel bad that I hurt him though and I want the chance to say it. I didn't know a lot about his past and how hurtful it would be to him. I really wish I could talk to him outside of e-mail because so much has gotten messed up that way so that's the part that's bothering me. I have no idea if he's read them or if he's misinterpretted even more that I've said (he had taken some things the wrong way already).

 

I do feel a lot of compassion for him after finding out what he'd went through and I guess I just want the chance to be there for him and at least explain things to him personally. I want to clear the air and I don't like what e-mails have done. They've caused a lot of problems.

 

Do you think giving it some time might help? Again, I'm not holding out for any romance. That really isn't that important to me and it really hadn't gone far enough to be. I would like a chance at friendship though.

[notmakingsense]

I'm sticking with my recommendation. How would you propose meeting him in person anyway? You'd have to at least invite him to a meeting via phone or e-mail. Please don't do anything stalker-ish like suprising him in person!

 

It seems like you feel really guilty and you are somehow trying to be forgiven and maybe rekindle something. Start by forgiving yourself. He already knows you are sorry, so there isn't really anything else you can do at this point. Leave him alone. He alone can decide whether or not he wants contact.

[sweetscarlet]

I'm sticking with my recommendation. How would you propose meeting him in person anyway? You'd have to at least invite him to a meeting via phone or e-mail. Please don't do anything stalker-ish like suprising him in person!

 

It seems like you feel really guilty and you are somehow trying to be forgiven and maybe rekindle something. Start by forgiving yourself. He already knows you are sorry, so there isn't really anything else you can do at this point. Leave him alone. He alone can decide whether or not he wants contact.

 

 

I didn't mean in person. I meant on the phone. Why would you start saying I would surprise him in person like a stalker? I don't think I've said anything here that would indicate that.

 

I don't know if he knows I'm sorry and I don't know if he knows what contributed to my mood because I don't know if he even read the e-mails. And if he did, I don't know if he even interpretted them right. Like I said, he had interpretted the previous one wrong in certain areas. I found this out after talking to him.

 

He could have misread the ones I sent later as well. I can't go into detail on here because this is too public.

 

The whole point is, that is why I was saying that e-mail has caused too many problems and I have no idea if it's caused more problems. It could all be cleared up by talking but that's where my dilemma is.

[sweetscarlet]

Can you send any private messages to people on this board?

[notmakingsense]

I didn't mean in person. I meant on the phone. Why would you start saying I would surprise him in person like a stalker? I don't think I've said anything here that would indicate that.

 

You haven't -- but people do very forward things when they feel strongly enough, so I wanted to express my opinion that you should definitely not do something so drastic.

 

I don't know if he knows I'm sorry and I don't know if he knows what contributed to my mood because I don't know if he even read the e-mails. And if he did, I don't know if he even interpretted them right. Like I said, he had interpretted the previous one wrong in certain areas. I found this out after talking to him.

 

He could have misread the ones I sent later as well. I can't go into detail on here because this is too public.

 

The whole point is, that is why I was saying that e-mail has caused too many problems and I have no idea if it's caused more problems. It could all be cleared up by talking but that's where my dilemma is.

 

I still think it is a mistake, but if you feel really strongly, then try to call him. Tell him what you just posted here -- that you are worried that he misinterpreted your e-mails, you feel badly, and you would like the chance to clear the air with him. If he doesn't answer or doesn't call back, then you really can't do anything else.

[notmakingsense]

Can you send any private messages to people on this board?

 

You can, but you need to be established as a member for a certain number of posts (not sure how many).

[sweetscarlet]

I still think it is a mistake, but if you feel really strongly, then try to call him. Tell him what you just posted here -- that you are worried that he misinterpreted your e-mails, you feel badly, and you would like the chance to clear the air with him. If he doesn't answer or doesn't call back, then you really can't do anything else.

 

I have no desire to do something right now. I know that wouldn't work. I want to know if giving it time might help.

[notmakingsense]

I have no desire to do something right now. I know that wouldn't work. I want to know if giving it time might help.

 

Yes -- giving time will definitely help. It will reinforce that you don't want to pressure him in to a reconciliation. If you two really clicked, he may start missing you and be much more ready for contact when/if you do try again.

[sweetscarlet]

You can, but you need to be established as a member for a certain number of posts (not sure how many).

 

Oh ok, I just don't want to post a lot of the details here.

[D-Lish]

You need 60 posts to private message.

 

My ex broke up with me 4 months ago- he did so over the phone and said some blameful and hurtfful things. I didn't even have a chance to respond or defend myself. What ended up happening was I internalized all that blame and started believing everything was my fault and all I could obsess about was having his forgiveness. I even started thinking I was a terrible person... and that really affected my self esteem.

 

Anyhow, I tried reaching out to him on a few occasions since he broke up with me with some lengthy heartfelt e-mails- I apologized for the things he told me had pissed him off (even though much of his attack was ridiculous and untrue). All I wanted was his forgiveness for what I deemed to be my character flaws. But his forgiveness never came. He never responded to the three e-mails I sent.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't force someone to have contact with you if they don't want it. It was hard for me to come to terms with that. It was hard to come to terms with the rejection- and I wanted to call him everyday, I wanted to show up at his place... but I didn't. I knew that it would only make things a lot worse by doing so, so I never acted on those thoughts.

 

As much as you might want to have a friendship- some sort of contact... if he's not willing to participate, there is unfortunately nothing you can do about that. The more you reach out, the more you pressure- the further away you'll push him.

 

Instead of putting all your energy into trying to figure out how to have contact, perhaps you could put that energy into healing from the experience. I know that if I had have done that earlier, instead of holding on to the hope that I would get some closure from his end- I would be much further along in feeling better than I am now.

 

You've made your apologies, now it's time to give him space and let everything sink in. His treatment of you before you sent the e-mail was rude. No matter what was going on in his life, he should have been mature enough to give you a phone call letting you know what was going on instead of disappearing from your life without explanation. I wouldn't be okay with that kind of treatment either- and probably would have gotten mad too.

 

The bottom line is that rejection can play havoc with our ego's. I completely sympathise with your need to straighten things out with him. I went through such a tough period of desperation wanting to talk to my ex and have some closure~ but he never did give me that opportunity. I didn't exactly chase him relentlessly, but I certainly wanted to. But I know now that chasing him would have only annoyed him. When you reach out to them and they don't respond, it's because they aren't willing to. It's hard to come to terms with, but we have to in order to move on.

 

Giving him space is the better course of action in your situation. Let his anger subside, and perhaps he will realize what he is missing and contact you when he is ready. BUT, you have to be prepared that contact may not happen. Reconciling with that realization is the best way to move on.

 

Wish you well,

D

[sweetscarlet]

D-Lish, thanks for your advice. I have so many mixed feelings on this.

 

On the one hand, I feel bad for what he's been through in his life and I could tell the pain he's been through after talking to him--things I hadn't known. I also know that he thinks I meant other things than what I meant in my e-mail and those things really hurt him. It's because of this I want to reach out to him and not through e-mail but talking to him.

 

On the other hand, I don't like how he treated me and wonder why he did it and if he was planning to dump me anyway. And if this is the case, then I feel really foolish for all the apologizing I've done and telling him how great he is. That means he gets to walk away thinking I'm all ok with it. And if he really was dumping me that way or even just being rude, then I don't want him to think I'm ok with it so that he can go merrily along with a clean conscience.

 

I will say this...he did seem kind the last time we talked. I'm not sure if that means anything or not. Probably just out of pity. That was before I gave him the explanation in an e-mail of what could have caused my moodiness. When I asked if we could be friends again sometime he said maybe. He said he wasn't saying no to it.

 

And just so you know, I have been talking to other men since then but that doesn't mean I still don't want to still talk to him again. I really do---especially the way things were left between us. I want to make my peace. I haven't clicked with anyone else though and it happens very rarely with me.