Should I find a relationship coach/expert?

[JackBlack]

Just a quick rundown of my situation: I am 25-year-old male, and I have never had a girlfriend, and this is starting to concern me. On the surface, there really is nothing wrong with me - I am a genuine good-natured person, I have a graduate degree (and am debt-free), very financially secure with my job, well-mannered and fashionably dressed, and I know I am a pretty attractive guy. The problems I have, however, are more internal, and likely the result of a few sour experiences that I've had with girls in past - experiences that have rendered me timid and unsure of myself when it comes to dating as well as having developed a near-morbid fear of rejection. At some point, I decided that I was wasting too much time and energy, and risking my emotional health, pursuing relationships that simply would not work for me. I guess I decided to put the "Romance" department of my life on hold. The problem, however, is that I've never really gotten back into it, and I'm not sure how to proceed. At the same time, I'm really not willing to invest tons of time in finding a quality girlfriend either, and I'm somewhat of the mindset that I should simply work on myself, and wait for a special girl to come my way.

 

Most people would say I should just date around (i.e., speed-date) to work all the kinks and potential dating blunders out of the system to get myself up to speed and at the "dateability" of an average 25-year-old. The problem with this approach is that I'm very selective with my social circle - I believe in quality over quantity and the few friends that I do have happen to be very close friends of mine. I (think I) know what I want in a girlfriend, and to many others, it would seem that what I want in a girlfriend is what many other guys want in a wife. I've never really been into random hook-ups or casual dating, and the speed-dating approach simply doesn't seem something that's consistent with my personality. Plus, I'm in a profession where my "self-time" is valuable to me, and I don't want to spend this time chasing girls for thrills.

 

I've really thought about this issue a lot, and I believe what I need to do is (1) really look within myself and figure out what kind of girl I want (which I believe I have); (2) live a life of truth and clarity, and hone my perceptions, so when I do come across the "girl of my dreams," I'll be able to spot her and act upon my feelings; and (3) all while "working on myself" and making myself a better and more "marketable" potential boyfriend

 

At the same time, I still lack the dating experience that most guys have had by the time they're 25. That's why I'm thinking I also need to find a relationship coach/expert - someone who has a wealth of knowledge about relationships, how they function, what makes them succeed or fail, and the ability to look at my situation and guide me through this late-blooming process.

 

I'd be interested in anyone's opinion on the matter, whether I'm being totally foolish with my way of thinking, whether relationship experts even exist, whether they're effective and useful, etc. I'm basically open to anyone's opinion on anything. Thanks in advance.

 

-- JB

[Love Hurts]

Don’t let your sudden alertness push you to fast.

Allow yourself plenty of time.

I like the scenarios where two people just sort of run into each other and something just clicks.

I highly doubt you need an expert coach.

You have everything you need …. Sounds as if the fear of rejection is your wall to hurdle.

 

You know what type of female you prefer. Communication is key……You need to talk to find out who is inside.

If you talk as well as you write. You have it made.

There are females out there……. They too are seeking a male like yourself…….the difficult thing is getting the right matches together. You seem to be standing on separate sandy beaches a sea of free sex in between. I seriously think your type are a low minority.

 

I know a 25 year old male and a 23 year old female in your same situation.

They too are holding out for something more.

And the clock just keeps on ticking…

Hold out or be mismatched………. Take your time.

Talk to females; do not be afraid of rejection.

More often than not if you are rejected….be thankful, you do not know what you may have been spared from.

 

The most difficult part of finding…..is the search…

for the needle in a haystack.

 

Good Luck

[JCD]

Rejection is good because you don't want a girl that settles for you. You want someone that will love you as much as you love them. You have to remember that if a girl rejects you it's not because you're ugly or have a problem. The girl simply doesn't have feelings for you just like you don't have feelings for some other girls. That's all. I've been rejected many times and I also rejected many girls in my time. That's life. There was nothing wrong with the girls I rejected except I had no feelings for them. The next guy probably would have. Right now, I can walk up to any girl and talk to her only because over time I've talked to many different types of girls that I no longer care what they think of me and can be just myself when I'm with them. If they don't find me attractive in looks or personality then that's good because we wouldn't work out anyways. So my suggestion to you is to talk to many girls and become friends with them. Then talking to next girl won't be so surprising and you won't be putting all your eggs into one basket so to speak. Over time just by talking to girls you'll get to know which girls excite you and which don't. For example, I like girls that are not shy talking to me. I used to like girls that were shy and quiet but as I spoke with more girls over time, I became more confident and now I find confident girls more stimulating to talk to.

[JackBlack]

I thought I'd dig up this thread again, because I'm still convinced that I need to find a relationship coach. The reason being is not so much to overcome cognitive habits, learn how to meet people, etc. Instead, I've realized that I'm pretty naive and idealistic when it comes to dating, and tend to put myself out there and get burned. I feel I'm not very informed as to all the different types of girls out there and how they can have all kinds of intentions (both good and bad), and I feel that often, I have to be both guarded and open, honest yet non-revealing, etc. I feel like I've been dropped into dense forest and have no idea in which direction to go. I'm a late bloomer and it's as if my awareness is a ball of five hundred knots that I need help getting unraveled. It's as if I have the dating IQ of a high-school kid. And I know that with experience comes growth, but frankly, I feel I need to have someone bring me up to speed as much as possible, particularly because I'd like to avoid the pitfalls instead of suffer from them and "learn" from them.

 

Any thoughts?

[JCD]

You have to endure the pitfalls and suffer from them and learn from them. That's how we all do it. Some learn quickly some don't and repeat the same mistake until they get it. That's life. Part of life is taking risks. You said you have an idea of the type of girl you like. Well, then date those kind of girls. If you come across a psycho, then so be it. You can't avoid those sometimes because they can play you until their true self is revealed. You get burned, pick yourself up and try again. Not every girl is a psycho so you bound to find someone nice. You simply learn by doing and not by being told, imo.