Men-honest:questionaire Re: Porn

[rainfall]

You must be very young, you totally misunderstood what I was saying...a fantasy doesn't have to be featuring anyone in particular, just something you want to do...

 

Best of luck to your BF...

 

Not sure what you consider very young..... But yes I misunderstood what you were saying.

 

Hey if anybody on here is OK with being with someone who doesn't really love them then great for them. I however would not be happy in a relationship where my bf only used me to get off to some other chick.

Whatever works for you I guess.

[michelangelo]

I've awoken from vivid sex dreams featuring libidinous women only to find I have a raging erection. The wife is not in the mood, ya know? So if I take care of things fondly remembering the dream girls is that cheating? Or is it porn?

[CarolAnne]

but seriously though it is sounding like an issue that has less to do with porn and more to do with insecurity and controlling other people.

 

Also I pick up some vibes of good girl /bad girl here, good girls are loyal to their man only and never even dream of other guys. Good guys only think of their girl and never dream of anyone else etc. That's not true though. Especially since no one can control another person's thoughts and telling them what to think in the bedroom is only going to make them angry not to mention encouarage deception.

 

I mean I know what you are feeling, that it hurts to think you are not good enough that he "needs" to think of someone else to get turned on-- but when you've done it 20000 times already, why not think of some pretend scenario that might make the usual routine with the same person in the same bed at the same usual time seem different or more dramatic?

[rainfall]

but seriously though it is sounding like an issue that has less to do with porn and more to do with insecurity and controlling other people.

 

Also I pick up some vibes of good girl /bad girl here, good girls are loyal to their man only and never even dream of other guys. Good guys only think of their girl and never dream of anyone else etc. That's not true though. Especially since no one can control another person's thoughts and telling them what to think in the bedroom is only going to make them angry not to mention encouarage deception.

 

I mean I know what you are feeling, that it hurts to think you are not good enough that he "needs" to think of someone else to get turned on-- but when you've done it 20000 times already, why not think of some pretend scenario that might make the usual routine with the same person in the same bed at the same usual time seem different or more dramatic?

 

I guess in my mind the 20000 time isn't old. It is still fun because I love my bf. The reason I don't think of some pretend scenario is I have no need to. No I am actually very secure. If I was insecure I would put up with this shallow pathetic behavior in fear of being alone.

[rainfall]

I've awoken from vivid sex dreams featuring libidinous women only to find I have a raging erection. The wife is not in the mood, ya know? So if I take care of things fondly remembering the dream girls is that cheating? Or is it porn?

 

I am almost always in the mood. In fact my bf is the one who turns me down sometimes because he is tired from work.

[michelangelo]

so, when you are turned down and you are in the mood, what do you do?

 

In my case, a hard on doesn't just go away by itself unless I think of something gross ("margaret thatcher on a cold day!," as austin powers put it).

 

I choose plan B.

[CarolAnne]

You are sincerely committed to your beliefs and that is admirable.

 

Its just that the thing you are advocating, that he imagine you and only you, whether you are there in front of him or not, is to my mind impossible. In part because I imagine myself as different people and in different scenarios, and to just imagine him would be excessively boring. Not that he is, but that would mean no more pretend acting as professor/ student, doctor/ patient, hooker/ little boy, a lot of role playing games we've done together just to make it more interesting, pretend we are different people. Also a big part of the reason why my bf left his last relationship was because his ex made him feel stifled, he wasn't allowed to cuss or even mention another girl in front of her, much less feel safe telling her his private thoughts and fantasies. And I never wanted him to feel that way around me. Sure, if he should happen to do something in public I'll get mad, like look at another girl for too long, but I know there is no way to control what he thinks and besides, we've had a lot of fun when he has taken the big risk and actually confided in me the crazy sex things he was dreaming about.

[rainfall]

You are sincerely committed to your beliefs and that is admirable.

 

Its just that the thing you are advocating, that he imagine you and only you, whether you are there in front of him or not, is to my mind impossible. In part because I imagine myself as different people and in different scenarios, and to just imagine him would be excessively boring. Not that he is, but that would mean no more pretend acting as professor/ student, doctor/ patient, hooker/ little boy, a lot of role playing games we've done together just to make it more interesting, pretend we are different people. Also a big part of the reason why my bf left his last relationship was because his ex made him feel stifled, he wasn't allowed to cuss or even mention another girl in front of her, much less feel safe telling her his private thoughts and fantasies. And I never wanted him to feel that way around me. Sure, if he should happen to do something in public I'll get mad, like look at another girl for too long, but I know there is no way to control what he thinks and besides, we've had a lot of fun when he has taken the big risk and actually confided in me the crazy sex things he was dreaming about.

 

 

I guess I am just weird. I have never found it boring to only think of him. To pretend he is someone esle in my mind is wrong. If he pretends I am someone esle it is hurtful in my opinon. If he told me he thought I was someone esle during sex ever I would feel so worthless and hurt. I guess everyone just has different ideas of what is ok in relationships.

[burning 4 revenge]

If I ever have sex with a man, I'll have to pretend he's a woman. I'm sorry if I hurt him. It would just be too gay otherwise.

[CarolAnne]

aw B4R you're a guy you have to have an opinion

 

as I see it, both RF and I are making valid points

 

I love porn because I love fantasy and pretending I'm someone else and he's someone else, so it doesnt bother me if he's pretending in his own mind that I'm someone else too. In fact Ive lately made a hobby of costumes and lingerie.

 

RF on the other hand, believes in loyalty and devotion to her partner, which any person who has ever been cheated on will probably tell you is the single most valuable personal asset there is.

 

Where does porn fit in? To me its a story, and usually funny (World Whore II starring Adolfa Hytler, incidentally, historically accurate ) yet always effective mood-setter at the end of a long day at work. Others see it as a threat and invasion. honestly I'm not sure what to think since both sides make valid points.

[new_stella]

Sure, if he should happen to do something in public I'll get mad, like look at another girl for too long...

I don't understand, why would you get mad?

[CarolAnne]

Its subjective - all guys do the double take thing but if I feel like he's being disrespectful without realizing it I'll speak up

[burning 4 revenge]

 

Where does porn fit in? To me its a story, and usually funny (World Whore II starring Adolfa Hytler, incidentally, historically accurate ) yet always effective mood-setter at the end of a long day at work.

please tell me your mustache is fake

[CarolAnne]

Yes it is.

[WhisperingWillow]

I can remember one incident in which we were at a mall and my boyfriend spotted a very hot chick. I noticed too, I can appreciate another woman's beauty without it being a threat at all and without me pointing out all the things that are fake about her. I leaned over and whispered in his ear "She's hot isn't she, look at the curve of her breasts and how her midriff is showing, how soft her skin looks, etc", my boyfriend loves that about me. I also get to look at other men and my boyfriend will notice it but does not get mad at all. We feed into each other. I love that openess.

 

CA is right though, men will feel stifled as will women. I cannot fathom going into or having another relationship in where I have to hide my thoughts and true feelings from my partner. Which is why my current boyfriend is a keeper and why we're going to end up getting married, he's already asked and I have said yes, it's a great and wonderful thing to be that open.

 

I also have to agree with Ca and which is what I was already saying in my other post before. It is impossible and albeit downright unfair for you to make him or for you to think that he is always just going to think about you and you only. Ok so maybe not impossible but it's a rare person. If you find him let us know, no offense but I just don't think you'll readily find one and if one tells you that he is it's to save his own personal feelings and peace. I would lie to you too and tell you I only thought about you to spare your feelings and to avoid any conflict. I think that we should all be free to have our own feelings, desires, fantasies, and thoughts. If you're afraid of cheating, then guess what, it all boils down to his respect for you, respect for the relationship. He can cheat with someone that doesn't even come into an equation of his fantasies. He can cheat at anytime. You can't babysit your partner and why would you want to? If you have to do that then you have serious issues of another kind. So once again I'll boil it down to INSECURITY.

[IpAncA]

I can remember one incident in which we were at a mall and my boyfriend spotted a very hot chick. I noticed too, I can appreciate another woman's beauty without it being a threat at all and without me pointing out all the things that are fake about her. I leaned over and whispered in his ear "She's hot isn't she, look at the curve of her breasts and how her midriff is showing, how soft her skin looks, etc", my boyfriend loves that about me. I also get to look at other men and my boyfriend will notice it but does not get mad at all. We feed into each other. I love that openess.

 

Lol! Thats funny. I tend to play around with that kind of stuff too. Usually if he's looking at someone I'll just tell him something like "you didn't think those were real did you." Gets him everytime and it's funny when he trys to cover it up or he makes some sort of a come back.

 

I don't mind it though I'm used to it. Plus I look too. Sorry girls but if there is some REALLY hot guy coming my way of course i'm going to look. Accept I can get away with it without him knowing about it. Not him though he just looks lol!!! :laugh:

[WhisperingWillow]

Lol! Thats funny. I tend to play around with that kind of stuff too. Usually if he's looking at someone I'll just tell him something like "you didn't think those were real did you." Gets him everytime and it's funny when he trys to cover it up or he makes some sort of a come back.

 

I don't mind it though I'm used to it. Plus I look too. Sorry girls but if there is some REALLY hot guy coming my way of course i'm going to look. Accept I can get away with it without him knowing about it. Not him though he just looks lol!!! :laugh:

 

 

To me it's great relationship fun. I love it. It's fun to watch him and I'm like you. I will notice a guy and my boyfriend will be oblivious that I'm noticing him, I normally point it out. He doesn't care at all. It's a matter of trust and security. No one can replace my boyfriend. There may be others that look better, but what really matters is all those little things that make my boyfriend look like the hottest man on the face of the earth that someone else would have a pretty damn hard time matching at all.

[IpAncA]

To me it's great relationship fun. I love it. It's fun to watch him and I'm like you. I will notice a guy and my boyfriend will be oblivious that I'm noticing him, I normally point it out. He doesn't care at all. It's a matter of trust and security. No one can replace my boyfriend. There may be others that look better, but what really matters is all those little things that make my boyfriend look like the hottest man on the face of the earth that someone else would have a pretty damn hard time matching at all.

 

Thats so cute, lol!! I'm secure enough to the point where I really don't care. But sometimes it can get annoying if were watching some sport and thats all they show is those dam cheerleaders. For goodness saks we know they have a chest. Don't need to show it after ever play. My H was like "they have to keep us entertained." Yeah ok cause the game isn't or at least show some dudes too and I don't mean the ones that look like pot belly's either.

[WhisperingWillow]

Thats so cute, lol!! I'm secure enough to the point where I really don't care. But sometimes it can get annoying if were watching some sport and thats all they show is those dam cheerleaders. For goodness saks we know they have a chest. Don't need to show it after ever play. My H was like "they have to keep us entertained." Yeah ok cause the game isn't or at least show some dudes too and I don't mean the ones that look like pot belly's either.

 

Hey I'm right there with you on that. However this is gonna sound weird but I don't find the male anatomy attractive at all. LOL. What does it for me is their eyes, asses, strong arms, and a nice chest. Other than that eh, not so much. I do love dark haired guys with olive skin though. Personality is a +++++. In my opinion. I'm with you there though. More beefcake please! LOL.

[whichwayisup]

No but it IS up to me to decide what I find to be ok in MY relationship. Him pretending that I am some other chick when we have sex is not ok. Him closing his eyes while he masturbates and thinks of some other chick is not ok.

If you are ok with the fact that your SO wants to sleep with other people you need help.

 

Again, you cannot control his thoughts. You can tell him how you feel but if he has fantasies of whomever, he isn't going to NOT do it because you don't want him to...He'll just not tell ya and if you ask him, OFCOURSE he will tell you "I only think of you when I jerk off..."

 

Just because a man thinks of someone else while jerking off doesn't mean he wants to GO bang them and let it happen in real life. Does this mean if I fantasize about women during masterbation, I am a lesbian? Or I want to fool around with a woman?? Maybe in your eyes that's what it means, but to me, it's a turn on and that's IT. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I doubt many men actually fantasize about other women WHILE having sex with the one they're with - UNLESS the relationship is having problems, and the sex isn't very good, or the sexual attraction isn't what it used to be. And if they DO happen to think of someone else while having sex, it's something you really can't control...Unless they TELL you (which would be insane) and then you do something about it.

[IpAncA]

Hey I'm right there with you on that. However this is gonna sound weird but I don't find the male anatomy attractive at all. LOL. What does it for me is their eyes, asses, strong arms, and a nice chest. Other than that eh, not so much. I do love dark haired guys with olive skin though. Personality is a +++++. In my opinion. I'm with you there though. More beefcake please! LOL.

 

No it's not werid. I actually love watching football myself because I love watching them smack each other a**es and bending over. They look so hot. Especially the ones that are tall and lean or have muscle. I guess both genders are taken care of. Guys get those cheerleaders and us women get those tight a**es lol!!!

 

Anyhow though I think that if someone does have a problem with the whole porn thing they should try and find someone who shares the same ideas as they do.

[Carbine]

I don't get why anyone who is afraid of Porn would look at any porn at all. None. That's why I'm sitting here going, huh? It's a catch 22 and which is why I called her a walking talking contradiction. I am also not saying that you have to accept your SO watching porn if you are anything like Carbine and deeply hurt. I did say however that if your SO is using the porn as a mechanism of relieving himself because you're dwindling in the bedroom and you want him to give it up then you must be willing to meet his needs in some other way. That is what I did say.

 

The real catch 22 here is that his porn is the only thing that makes me 'dwindle' in bed. I.e. We're both in the mood for sex and start making out > he suggests popping in a porn dvd to enhance the experience > I immediately become self-conscious and jealous when i see the the porn actresses who are better looking than me and it kills the mood > the next time he wants to have sex i'm reluctant because i don't like being made to feel repulsive > i dwindle in bed > he compensates with porn.

 

What's with the assumption that I dwindle in bed?? I am NOT a dwindler! Minus porn from his life forever, and he wouldn't be able to keep up with me in the sack!

 

So I started working out and lost 30 or so pounds. Since them he has stoopped looking at porn and I actually enjoy sex because I am not made to feel worthless because I can't measure up to his fake plastic porn girls.

 

Did he quit porn because you made him? Or because your weight loss satisfied his desire to have sex with someone who's thin and therefore attractive - so he needn't compensate with porn any further?

 

If insecurity twists your perspective on life and on your own worth, is it really worth fighting to keep?

 

EXCUSE ME but I deeply, deeply resent your diagnosis that my perspective is twisted. Who's untwisted version of reality am I supposed to be following?? Yours?! That's completely laughable. And who exactly is meant to be determining my 'worth'? I suppose you think that is entirely up to me? No way. If there is such a thing as self-worth at a certain point in time, then it's largely dependent on how you measure up to others in regards to the what is considered desireable at the time. Like it or not, one of these desired things is a hot, sexy, thin body - Let's just say my self-worth bank just went bankrupt. And to assume that I'm fighting to keep my insecurities??? Hahaha i cannot even begin to tell you how off the mark you are.

 

...have lost any sense of the value of HUMAN BEINGS in and of themselves and have become shallow. And women, rather than shunning this stupidity and taking their own power, allow themselves to be cowed. You want to talk feminine self? The feminine self should be independent and should base its self-worth on its personality and character traits, not its body and face.

 

Yes, and the feminine self should live in Fairytale Land, alongside elves, munchkins, and other creatures with superior moral values. Should, should, should. Get real.

 

I just love being told that I'm shallow, stupid and cowed simply because I don't romp alongside you through the moral highground of the Brady Bunch world you seem to be living in. I'm not stupid or shallow - I know where my power and 'value' lies. If my appearance is a big part of this, then i'd be stupid and shallow not to try and use it to my advantage. If you want to believe that people can raise their own worth by conning themselves that personality and character traits are the only things that matter, then that's ok. You're just pulling the wool over your own eyes in the end.

 

You take females like Carbine, and I'm not saying she is bad either, but a lot of females are the way she is. It's a security thing. Some women think that just because their man is involved with them in a loving and healthy relationship that she is all he should see and lust after, that he is blind to all outside women and she should be the end all and be all for him.

 

Naturally, Willow knows what's going on in my head and hence feels at liberty to use me as an example to show the rest of the board how right she is and how wrong "females like Carbine" are.

 

Do not EVER, EVER assume that you know what I'm thinking, Willow. Further, if you want to make sweeping, generalist accusations such as "...he is blind to all outside women..." etc based on these assumptions, DO NOT use me as your little case study. FYI, your assumptions about me are totally inaccurate, or in the very least, worded appallingly.

[WhisperingWillow]

I think you should go back and re read what all I wrote Carbine. Ask yourself why you're taking offense. You are deeply hurt by it, you said so yourself that you find it unappealing and that you feel insecure. I never said anything else about you other than that. So stop trying to play the pity me act with me because it won't work.

 

Now what I will say is if you feel victimized or hurt by what I said then I tell you what I am woman enough to apologize for it, but you need to be woman enough to own your own feelings and actions. I am not responsible for those, you are. So you need to dig a little deeper. No sympathy here. I respect you but I don't respect what you've just said. I never attacked you or anything of the sort. Enough said.

[WhisperingWillow]

The real catch 22 here is that his porn is the only thing that makes me 'dwindle' in bed. I.e. We're both in the mood for sex and start making out > he suggests popping in a porn dvd to enhance the experience > I immediately become self-conscious and jealous when i see the the porn actresses who are better looking than me and it kills the mood > the next time he wants to have sex i'm reluctant because i don't like being made to feel repulsive > i dwindle in bed > he compensates with porn.

 

What's with the assumption that I dwindle in bed?? I am NOT a dwindler! Minus porn from his life forever, and he wouldn't be able to keep up with me in the sack!

 

 

Oh and FYI again, I did not direct the dwindling to you! Re read darling. In no way is that directed towards you. You need to ask instead of making assumptions. I am more than happy to answer something constructive or in this case not so constructive.

[rainfall]

I also have to agree with Ca and which is what I was already saying in my other post before. It is impossible and albeit downright unfair for you to make him or for you to think that he is always just going to think about you and you only. Ok so maybe not impossible but it's a rare person. If you find him let us know, no offense but I just don't think you'll readily find one and if one tells you that he is it's to save his own personal feelings and peace. I would lie to you too and tell you I only thought about you to spare your feelings and to avoid any conflict. I think that we should all be free to have our own feelings, desires, fantasies, and thoughts. If you're afraid of cheating, then guess what, it all boils down to his respect for you, respect for the relationship. He can cheat with someone that doesn't even come into an equation of his fantasies. He can cheat at anytime. You can't babysit your partner and why would you want to? If you have to do that then you have serious issues of another kind. So once again I'll boil it down to INSECURITY.

 

Its downright unfair for me to want him to love me? Well according to yuo people I guess I would have to accept that my man doesn't find me attractive because he HAS to think about other chicks. I am not upset with him thinking another chick is attractive. What I am against is him thinking about that attractive chick naked in bed with him.