Men-honest:questionaire Re: Porn

[michelangelo]

You define a fleeting noticing of a pretty women means a man is a sex-crazed jerk?

 

So the problem is that you hate men for being men.

 

Why is that?

 

Since when is sexual desire 100% linked with romantic feelings?

[rainfall]

You define a fleeting noticing of a pretty women means a man is a sex-crazed jerk?

 

So the problem is that you hate men for being men.

 

Why is that?

 

Since when is sexual desire 100% linked with romantic feelings?

 

I define a sex crazed jerk as someone who wants to sleep with anything and everything they find attractive. I hate men who are so shallow that all they care about is looks.

 

I'm sorry but if my man has any sexual desire towards another women I don't want him to have any romantic feelings towards me. I deserve better then that.

[michelangelo]

so what if these men who you hate for having sexual thoughts about passing women they see really like their cell phone too? Or appreciate their accent while they speak?

 

I mean, they still have the thought, but they appreciate more about 'em than their looks.

[CarolAnne]

This must be why some women tend to fall in love with gay men. Gay guys must seem so unbelievably "well behaved" to talk to you and not look at other women or seem very interested in airbrushed-girl porn. (for obvious reasons, like, checking out other guys)

[Mr. Lucky]

I define a sex crazed jerk as someone who wants to sleep with anything and everything they find attractive.

But Rainfall, I "want to" do a lot of things. I "want to" forget about eating healthy and just eat sweets and junk food. I "want to" forget about going to work and instead lay on the beach. I "want to" pass on the romantic comedies my wife likes and hog the TV all day watching football. But I don't do any of the above...

 

Why not judge me as a man based on what I do in this world? I can control and take responsibility for my actions, deeds and accomplishments. Not so sure about my thoughts and fantasies.

 

Mr. Lucky

[rainfall]

But Rainfall, I "want to" do a lot of things. I "want to" forget about eating healthy and just eat sweets and junk food. I "want to" forget about going to work and instead lay on the beach. I "want to" pass on the romantic comedies my wife likes and hog the TV all day watching football. But I don't do any of the above...

 

Why not judge me as a man based on what I do in this world? I can control and take responsibility for my actions, deeds and accomplishments. Not so sure about my thoughts and fantasies.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Because in my mind wanting to screw other women is almost as bad as him actually doing it. Either way in my opinon it means he doesn't really care about me and is only using me till something better comes along.

You can chose whether you actively seek out women to look at and have fantasies about though.........

[new_stella]

But Rainfall, I "want to" do a lot of things. I "want to" forget about eating healthy and just eat sweets and junk food. I "want to" forget about going to work and instead lay on the beach. I "want to" pass on the romantic comedies my wife likes and hog the TV all day watching football. But I don't do any of the above...

 

Why not judge me as a man based on what I do in this world? I can control and take responsibility for my actions, deeds and accomplishments. Not so sure about my thoughts and fantasies.

 

Mr. Lucky

Given the opportunity you would do all those things.

 

If you had enough money, you wouldn’t go to work and would lay on the beach all day. If your wife liked football, you would enjoy yourself more.

 

Following the same logic, if you had an opportunity, you would have sex with those women (all those women maybe).

 

And that is EXACTLY what hurts – you are settling.

 

I’m not saying this is true for you, but the way you explained it leads to this conclusion.

[new_stella]

Good question and yeah IF I KNEW he was, ofcourse it would bug me. But, he isn't as far as I know. It's not something I ask when making love. I don't ask him what he thinks about when he's masterbating either.

 

I understand your pain IF your boyfriend TELLS you he's thinking of others while having sex with you, if he is, that's pretty crappy thing to admit...

 

Now if my H said to me that he was thinking of someone else during sex that would really hurt me. Is he? Don't know don't ask. I don't let that kind of stuff creep up in my mind. That would drive me nuts and would make me self consious and paranoid in some ways.

If I understand this correctly, both of you would be hurt if you knew. But you are choosing not knowing.

Why?

Because you suspect that might be true?

 

What’s happened with the openness?

 

This sounds like you would be hurt by the same thing as us, the only difference is that we want to know the truth and you don’t.

[IpAncA]

If I understand this correctly, both of you would be hurt if you knew. But you are choosing not knowing.

Why?

Because you suspect that might be true?

 

What’s happened with the openness?

 

This sounds like you would be hurt by the same thing as us, the only difference is that we want to know the truth and you don’t.

 

You have to trust your SO enough to know that he would choose you over someone else that what he thinks about means nothing unless he doesn't want to be with you anymore or is thinking about playing on their fantasies or are for that matter. Then I would want to know.

 

But if it means nothing then why would it bother me if he told me during sex that he was thinking of someone else then me? Because he should be thinking about me that's why. I asked him last night and he even asked me why I would ask that and said that I should no better then that. No one wants to know that your SO thinks about someone else like during sex unless like I said above.

 

Some of you still haven't answered if you've talked to your SO about this?

[new_stella]

No one wants to know that your SO thinks about someone else like during sex unless like I said above.

Well, yes…

But I see it slightly differently.

I’d say “no one wants that your SO thinks about someone else like during sex unless…”

If he does, than what difference does it make whether you know or not?

 

I wish I was like you, to be happy not knowing.

 

Some of you still haven't answered if you've talked to your SO about this?

If you ask me, yes we talked. A lot.

[rainfall]

You have to trust your SO enough to know that he would choose you over someone else that what he thinks about means nothing unless he doesn't want to be with you anymore or is thinking about playing on their fantasies or are for that matter. Then I would want to know.

 

But if it means nothing then why would it bother me if he told me during sex that he was thinking of someone else then me? Because he should be thinking about me that's why. I asked him last night and he even asked me why I would ask that and said that I should no better then that. No one wants to know that your SO thinks about someone else like during sex unless like I said above.

 

Some of you still haven't answered if you've talked to your SO about this?

 

I did answer I thought. I said I told him if he thinks of other women during sex then I don't want to be with him. I deserve better. If he is thinking about other women during sex then in my opinon doesn't want to be with you anymore.

[Horse]

:

when you watch:

 

1. is it for the scripted sex?

2. is it for the porn girls?

3. do you think of your partner?

4. do you imagine you are with the porn girls?

5. do you feel badly if you know your partner doesn't care for the porn?

 

1. sometimes.. if it is interesting

2. Not pornstars, but attractive natural looking girls... yes.

3. no

4. That's kind of the point

5. She doesn't care. If she was that insecure. I doubt we would have made it this far.

 

 

how do you view the porn chicks? is it their body parts or them as a whole

if body parts: is it T/A .. crotch shots?

 

if it is body parts.. what is most important?

 

All of the above.

 

 

do you know there are women going to plastic surgery for labioplasty? trimming the inner labia to be "porn perfect" so no labia shows from the outer ones because it is considered not as attractive? what do you think about that?

if you are with a woman who has been blessed with larger labia, does it bother you? do you wish she would have surgery so she could look like the porn girls?

how important is the "perfect pu$$y?"

 

People do and obsess about all kinds of stupid things. It's not important to me.

 

do you know women are now having anal bleaching so they could have more pink anal areas to look more like porn chicks.??

what do you think of that??

 

That's funny! I'm going to have myself photoshopped.

 

if body parts are important to you, after watching porn, do you feel you can see that this is not real and that "real women" don't look like that.??

does it affect how you see your woman/partner?

do you think it could in the future?

 

There are plenty of "real women" in porn. My wife looks better than most of the chicks I look out online. The difference is that I know my wife doesn't put out. I can at least pretend the other chicks do.

 

 

how important is intimacy to you??

 

Very.. my checking out porn doesn't affect that.

 

 

do you watch with your partner and get aroused ?--if so, do you feel it is unjust as you are getting aroused by looking at other nude-exposed-women and their intimate bodies??? but then go to your partner to satisfy your arousal?????

 

We've watched some "how to" videos, but generally... No.

 

do you consider it unreasonable to be asked to stop watching?

if you were asked --because you know it is so hurtful to her, would you?

could you?

if not, why wouldn't you try?

Thank you for your honest responses

 

Given that she has been OK with it for ten years... Yeah I would consider it unreasonable, but if was willing to try to keep up with my libido, I would.

[whichwayisup]

No sorry. I do not believe that if you love someone you will consider "every hot chick you see." I just don't see there to be any love there.

 

Rainfall, I'm not sure how old you are, and I hate to sound harsh, but you don't understand the male brain, or the male sex drive.

 

Men can separate sex and love. If a guy lusts after another woman it is not a reflection of you, or what he feels for you. Men are visual.

[StayClose]

Because in my mind wanting to screw other women is almost as bad as him actually doing it. Either way in my opinon it means he doesn't really care about me and is only using me till something better comes along.

You can chose whether you actively seek out women to look at and have fantasies about though.........

 

Imagine you are at the home of friend who was wealthier than you and you saw jewelry or clothing that you liked but couldn't afford. While her stuff is appealing to you, if you are a responsible person you would not steal them, even if you know you could do so without getting caught.

 

Likewise married man (or married women) may see and meet people they find sexually appealing, but if they are responsible they will not act on the attraction they feel. We are all human, and from time to time we all see and sometimes meet people we find appealing.

 

The fact that a married person finds someone else sexually attractive is not a betrayal of the spouse, provided the person makes no move to act on that attraction. You're making almost no distiction between the attraction and the action on it.

[whichwayisup]

There is a BIG difference between finding someone attractive and having a fantasy about them. At least in my mind there is. It is the fantasy part I am against.

 

If a man is thinking about sleeping with someone esle his SO isn't enough for him. Otherwise he would be happy with her and only her. He wouldn't need to have fantasies.

 

For men, it's not. Maybe for you and some other women it's different.

 

YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OF HIS THOUGHTS. IF your boyfriend has a fantasy and you're not in it - YOU will never know. Right or wrong, those thoughts are HIS and their private.

 

Yeah I feel it is wrong that you had to think of something esle besides your SO to get turned on. It just seems so wrong to me that anyone would have to think about being with someone esle in order to "settle" for the person they are stuck with. (not that you feel you are settling..... just it kinda seem wrong that the person you are in love with can't turn you on)

 

LOL! I just said that one time and trust ME, later in life YOU will have moments and times when your spouse does NOT turn you on. It just happens. Just wait until you're older, life gets stressed and throw in a couple of kids, a family illness...Then see how much sex ya want.

 

That's fine. You can think I was wrong all ya want, it's your opinion.

 

Again, you're reading way to much into my posts and putting your own spin on it. It's quite frustrating actually beacuse I DID NOT say that my husband never turned me on, just those few rare moments ... And yeah, fantasizing helps abit to get things going.

[tommyr]

I hate men who are so shallow that all they care about is looks. I'm sorry but if my man has any sexual desire towards another women I don't want him to have any romantic feelings towards me. I deserve better then that.

 

Looks is not ALL I care about, but can you at least acknowledge that good looks play a large part of physical / sexual attraction? Now we all have our own ideas of "good looks" and in my case I am attracted to a lady's body fitness (not a skinny Barbie or bodybuilder, just a toned/thin and trim body). In fact thats part of what originally attracted me to my wife! But after 10 years marriage my wife decided its OK to spend ALL her time/energy on our kids, stop working out, eat alot of junk, gain 35+pounds, never wear a skirt/dress/makeup, and sex once per month.

 

Now rainfall says I am a jerk to use porn or to even think of someone else's athletic body. Is my wife not partly involved with this? Seems to me that HER selfish changes (monthly sex and weight gain) have ALOT to do with my re-directed sexual interests.

 

Before the flames start let me say this: she is stay-at-home mom, I have forced her to put our kids in afterschool-care 2X/week so she can have personal time (hopefully goto gym!), I always do my 50% household duties after my 5pm workday (more on weekends), oh and I have not gained a pound since highschool and I run >25 miles/week.

[StayClose]

Rainfall, I'm not sure how old you are, and I hate to sound harsh, but you don't understand the male brain, or the male sex drive.

 

Men can separate sex and love. If a guy lusts after another woman it is not a reflection of you, or what he feels for you. Men are visual.

 

Women are just as likely to see a good looking man and think "He's hot!" The popularity of good-looking male actors, singers and romance novel covers proves this.

[WhisperingWillow]

Looks is not ALL I care about, but can you at least acknowledge that good looks play a large part of physical / sexual attraction? Now we all have our own ideas of "good looks" and in my case I am attracted to a lady's body fitness (not a skinny Barbie or bodybuilder, just a toned/thin and trim body). In fact thats part of what originally attracted me to my wife! But after 10 years marriage my wife decided its OK to spend ALL her time/energy on our kids, stop working out, eat alot of junk, gain 35+pounds, never wear a skirt/dress/makeup, and sex once per month.

 

Now rainfall says I am a jerk to use porn or to even think of someone else's athletic body. Is my wife not partly involved with this? Seems to me that HER selfish changes (monthly sex and weight gain) have ALOT to do with my re-directed sexual interests.

 

Before the flames start let me say this: she is stay-at-home mom, I have forced her to put our kids in afterschool-care 2X/week so she can have personal time (hopefully goto gym!), I always do my 50% household duties after my 5pm workday (more on weekends), oh and I have not gained a pound since highschool and I run >25 miles/week.

 

 

Hey don't you know it's not ever the woman's fault! Pshaw! How dare you!

 

I do happen to agree with you there. However having said that, have you tried having a compassionate open chat with your wife about her weight gain. There are ways of putting it without being tacky. Such as "I really want us to start working out together for our health sake and to be around a lot longer for us and the kids"? Have you tried that? A lot of times resentment will build and you'll end up saying something you shouldn't have and it'll cause her to retreat more and eat more junk food.

 

Having said that I use to be quite heavy myself, have two children, have stretch marks but I rather like those as those are my badge for having children and am not insecure about them, anyhow I got back on track by having a heart to heart with a close girlfriend of mine. My now ex husband didn't want me to lose the weight, his own insecurities I guess. Anyhow she just asked me why I had let myself go so much and that it was unhealthy, so I got off my fat lazy ass and did something about it. I lost 85 pounds in six months. I've kept it off for six plus years, I now weigh a whopping 120, walk and do the elliptical everyday and lift weights every other day. I can't imagine going back to that at all. It's a choice. I understand where you're coming from but where is your role in all of this? Are you helping her or are you hindering her Tommy?

[whichwayisup]

Women are just as likely to see a good looking man and think "He's hot!" The popularity of good-looking male actors, singers and romance novel covers proves this.

 

Oh definately!

 

Married people are not DEAD. Enjoying the looks of a beautiful woman or a good looking man is not against the relationship law.

[Horse]

It doesn't matter, no one will ever know for sure except you.

 

Question to guys:

say you are getting busy with your gf, you are making a big effort at foreplay and she seems really really into it, then all of a sudden she screams "Oh James you're amazing!" and your name isn't James.

 

So you ask who James is and she says he's an actor from a show who plays a rich lawyer who is so handsome and so rich and so perfect, and he is even well hung and a gentleman and the most amazing lover, Would you think to yourself:

 

1. I suddenly feel slightly invisible, I thought she was into my great romantic effort at foreplay but no, she was pretending I am a different, better guy that's why it was good for her

 

2. that's okay honey, he's just an actor so I don't care

 

3. what a coincidence, I was pretending you were kendra jade

 

4. some other thought

 

If she was getting into it, that would be better than her talking about what color she wants to paint the room or how much weight she has gained.

 

I would even dress up like james, if it worked for her.

[StayClose]

If she was getting into it, that would be better than her talking about what color she wants to paint the room or how much weight she has gained.

 

If she were getting into it, it would be better than her saying "Hurry up and finish, please" which is what she does sometimes.

[Jeffrey]

We're both in the mood for sex and start making out > he suggests popping in a porn dvd to enhance the experience > I immediately become self-conscious and jealous when i see the the porn actresses who are better looking than me and it kills the mood .

 

Why can't you just accept and admire a good looking person for what they are and enjoy the attraction? There's better looking people everywhere, so what? It's just the act of sex, enjoy it.

[new_stella]

Men can separate sex and love. If a guy lusts after another woman it is not a reflection of you, or what he feels for you.

I believe this is very true.

 

 

tommyr:

 

So, it’s not only that your wife lost her sex drive, but also you lost at least part of your sexual interest in her. Don’t you think she senses that?

 

You are attracted to athletic bodies and you want your wife to change. I don’t know how she feels, but if she feels she’s not good enough for your taste, she would actually be right!

 

Some women just give up trying to be sexy for you, because they feel that whatever they do, you will always be attracted more to someone younger or better looking. So many women to be attracted to, what difference does this one make? Besides, even if she looked better, you would still be attracted to others and look at porn. Desiring other women and viewing porn is separate issue from your wife looks. As many have said here, that will continue to happen, no matter how your SO looks.

 

You expect your wife to understand your male brain, but it doesn’t sound like you tried to understand her female brain. Pregnancies and small children can be stressful both physically and emotionally. To be a stay-at-home mom is not as easy as it sounds and has its own challenges.

 

You call her selfish, yet she devotes all her time to your children.

You expect her to go to gym, not because it’s good for her, but to become more attractive to you. Again, don’t you think she senses that?

 

Actually, I understand where you’re coming from, but in the same way she is involved in your redirected sexual interest, you are involved in her sexual withdrawal.

 

 

Why can't you just accept and admire a good looking person for what they are and enjoy the attraction? There's better looking people everywhere, so what? It's just the act of sex, enjoy it.

Unfortunately, for some of us, there are very few situation in which we can actually enjoy our SO’s attraction to someone else.

[michelangelo]

Yes, kids take a lot of effort, especially the small ones, however, I do think a lot of women hide out in mommyhood and abandon interest in their husbands and even their own sexuality.

[Mr. Lucky]

Given the opportunity you would do all those things.

 

If you had enough money, you wouldn’t go to work and would lay on the beach all day. If your wife liked football, you would enjoy yourself more.

 

Following the same logic, if you had an opportunity, you would have sex with those women (all those women maybe).

 

And that is EXACTLY what hurts – you are settling.

 

I’m not saying this is true for you, but the way you explained it leads to this conclusion.

Stella:

 

I understand that my analogy was not bulletproof, but let's focus on one part of it:

 

If you had enough money, you wouldn’t go to work and would lay on the beach all day.

 

Well, no, in reality, regardless of how much money I had, I wouldn't just lay on the beach all day. It's a FANTASY, get it? In reality, regardless of wealth, full-time beach sloth would not be a very rewarding life. And yet, can you see how, subject to the everyday experience of life's stresses, that FANTASY of a hammock on a tropical isle might pop into my head? But according to you, if I don't fulfill that FANTASY, I'm "settling" for something less.

 

What I do have is a rewarding marriage, complete with strengths and weaknesses, attributes and flaws. The occasional mental vacation I take from that marriage in my FANTASY world (where I'm invariably taller and better looking ) helps sustain my real world relationship. And I think, as far as most men go, I'm not unusual in that regard. If it pleases you, feel free to despise us for that...

 

Mr. Lucky