Men-honest:questionaire Re: Porn

[tommyr]

So, it’s not only that your wife lost her sex drive, but also you lost at least part of your sexual interest in her. Don’t you think she senses that?

Yes I have lost some interest, but honestly it has more todo with her being totally burnt-out.... "used up" (her favorite quote.. it means: zero energy, zero affection, zero left to give).

 

You are attracted to athletic bodies and you want your wife to change. I don’t know how she feels, but if she feels she’s not good enough for your taste, she would actually be right!

You phrased it wrong.. I want her to STOP changing and go BACK to the way she used to be (much more attention and care for self). I would have no basis for saying this if not that she USED TO be athletically inclined when we began dating, and then well into her 30s.

 

Some women just give up trying to be sexy for you, because they feel that whatever they do, you will always be attracted more to someone younger or better looking. So many women to be attracted to, what difference does this one make? Besides, even if she looked better, you would still be attracted to others and look at porn. Desiring other women and viewing porn is separate issue from your wife looks. As many have said here, that will continue to happen, no matter how your SO looks.

Any woman who "gives up trying to be sexy" does so by her own choice. I hope you dont think that men have full control over their lady's sex appeal?

 

You expect your wife to understand your male brain, but it doesn’t sound like you tried to understand her female brain. Pregnancies and small children can be stressful both physically and emotionally. To be a stay-at-home mom is not as easy as it sounds and has its own challenges.

I am trying to understand her situation, thats why I read LS. I understand she gets burned out and I am doing everything possible (short of a fulltime nanny) to make her job easier. The problem is she really seems to LIKE being a burned out Mom (capital M)!

 

You call her selfish, yet she devotes all her time to your children.

You expect her to go to gym, not because it’s good for her, but to become more attractive to you. Again, don’t you think she senses that?

Thats right: her 100% devotion to our kids is SELFISH!!! It ignores me, ignores herself, and ignores our marriage. She used to goto the gym, bike, jog often so I am not expecting her to suddenly transform into an athlete on my whim. I am only asking her to spend a bit less effort on the kids (slightly fewer playdates, parties, etc) and use that energy on herself and me, the same way she used to. Working out does as much for her brain and self-esteem as it does for her body... and I miss all of that.

[rtHawk]

I'm not unusual in that regard. If it pleases you, feel free to despise us for that...

I don't think the goal is for anyone to despise anyone here.

 

New_Stella; I actually feel as though you speak a very calm, introspective and wise manner of expressing what many women feel and think without any kind of threat...I do appreciate that. YOu have put into words some of my own thoughts and attempted expressions here.

 

I do believe that many women "dwindle" in relation to how they view themsleves throught the eyes of the man they love who happens to also watch porn.. They see themselves thru your eyes.. and it becomes a double loop of loss and trade. woman doesn't feel sexy, guy looks at porn, woman feels less sexy-less sex; more porn; woman beomces withdrawn, can't compete or attain that level of excitement and body etc and so on and so on....

 

I for one started this post with the hopes of trying to gain some insight into how the men in serious R or marriages view porn, how the women do as well and in turn somehow maybe selfishly figure out a way to find a moderate place of tolerance and understanding for what is for me a real pain in my arse....probably the one thing in my R that I can't handle.

 

and. after all this, I am still trying to do so, but must say that this has discourage me tremdously

when you watch:

 

1. is it for the scripted sex?

2. is it for the porn girls?

3. do you think of your partner?

4. do you imagine you are with the porn girls?

5. do you feel badly if you know your partner doesn't care for the porn? 1. sometimes.. if it is interesting

2. Not pornstars, but attractive natural looking girls... yes.

3. no

4. That's kind of the point

 

Imagining you are with the person in porn is exactly what posters like Jersey Shortie and Carbine and Rainfall (if I may to some degree say this without offending them) is what they struggle with and what N-Stella so clearly pointed out.... some women choose not to think this is what is actually happening...but many of the men have clearly stated--yes, they are thinking it is them doing the deed with that porn chick.

 

It is a fantasy but not one of just you sitting in some harmless hammock on the beach... but of you scr**ing that chick that the woman you are with is NOT.

 

so how do women as they get older, their bodies change, how do they sit in the context of all of this when in porn, the women permanently remain in the fountain of youth....

how do we cope with that??? we have kids, our bodies change, we get grey hairs......

sometimes a fantasy can be hurtful even if it is your fantasy---with porn, many women are subject to the porn demands their partners make.. they have a choice to leave the relationship too.... that is a given, but they staay for the kids etc. etc.

 

Again, relationships that are not what they were in bed and men losing out on that part of their wants and desires, understandabllydo what they can to balance out the real world with what they need as well.

 

What would you say to women, who like me and others who have gone on to have kids. worked HARD to stay in shape(despite the REAL aspects of pregnancy, birth, breast feeding and age) who keep up with life and home and still have managed to have a strong libido...(mine stronger than in my 20's and yes I am even past my "female peak 30's"...

I had a marriage where my spouse then had no need for porn cause with me " there was no need for it"

Years later, in a LDR with a man 6 years younger, I find myself more sexually intimate than ever in my life before. We have our own love-making videos.... and granted even tho we aren't together every day, (weekends only) we have sex 5-8 times a weekend...

 

now i struggle wiht the porn, he used to watch our home videos but hasn't in while(he moved a couple of months ago), only goes to the commercial stuff.... (that he did unpack--our stuff--nope)

that in itself is more of a negative reflection on me --we make love with each other, he has our videos for when I am not around and yet he chooses porn instead....

how do your figure that out....???? one woman just not enough ????

I have tried to approach the subject with him,,--- he tells me he has tried to help me with my insecurties... that is the best I get.

I am left feeling the same things I have read others express....

men, my man--just aren't satisfied even when they do have so much there ready and willing for them.

 

I KNOW all this is between the couple in the end... I know it about what works for you and yours....

I had somehow hoped to be enlightened, maybe reassured and maybe understand something about men and women and relationships.

I have, but also walk away feeling no more encouraged than when I originally posted.

 

and as many can't beleive this to be true, I like other women who have posted, DO NOT IMAGINE other men --I am with the man I love in mind, body and spirit... with him and when alone. Sure a guy can be attractive to me but I NEVER sexualize him in my mind.

 

I quess that is part of the uneven parallels of how men and women can be...

 

I do know that my SO's porn has place self-doubt in to my experiences and without it, I am a very happy, creative and imaginative- active sexual woman....it has caused me to at times "dwindle" and that just what I am struggling against... that viscious vortex I am trying not to fall into.

 

I give many of the honest and genuine women posters here so mcuh credit, kudos and adimiration for being able to hold up to what for me is such a heartache.

[rainfall]

Imagine you are at the home of friend who was wealthier than you and you saw jewelry or clothing that you liked but couldn't afford. While her stuff is appealing to you, if you are a responsible person you would not steal them, even if you know you could do so without getting caught.

quote]

 

If you could afford your friends stuff you would buy it though. Just like if a man could sleep with other women he would. I would also be kinda depressed with what I had after visiting a friend's house who was wealthy and had very nice things. So if I follow your logic then men are depressed by the person they have settled for.

 

 

 

To tommyr- No the men I find to be jerks are the ones who have women who work their butt off for 1-2 hours a day at the gym, eat healthy every day, and make a effort to look very nice for their SO. They are working hard to look nice for their man and the thanks they get his him jerking off to the latest issue of playboy.

[rble618740]

1. For those of you who don't see porn as a big deal, do you distinguish between different kinds of porn (e.g., magazine, movie, homemade video on the internet, internet video with a link to the actresses e-mail address)?

 

2. For those of you who see porn as a problem, do you distinguish between porn used by you and your significant other as a tool versus porn one of you uses instead of seeking gratification from the other?

[IpAncA]

Yes I have lost some interest, but honestly it has more todo with her being totally burnt-out.... "used up" (her favorite quote.. it means: zero energy, zero affection, zero left to give).

 

Maybe thats why she devotes herself to the children and not you. Do you guys have like 10 kids or something? You make it sound like she works to the bone.

 

You can't expect her to look like she did when you didn't have kids and expect everything to be as it was with kids. Sure she should take more pride in herself but it seems like she just don't have the urge to do it. Maybe she's noticed that you have no interest to figures why try.

 

You phrased it wrong.. I want her to STOP changing and go BACK to the way she used to be (much more attention and care for self). I would have no basis for saying this if not that she USED TO be athletically inclined when we began dating, and then well into her 30s.

 

You can't make her stop changing. You obviously have issues with the way she looks. Don't you think there is more to her then looks?

 

Any woman who "gives up trying to be sexy" does so by her own choice. I hope you dont think that men have full control over their lady's sex appeal?

 

Depends on how you look at it.

 

Thats right: her 100% devotion to our kids is SELFISH!!! It ignores me, ignores herself, and ignores our marriage. She used to goto the gym, bike, jog often so I am not expecting her to suddenly transform into an athlete on my whim. I am only asking her to spend a bit less effort on the kids (slightly fewer playdates, parties, etc) and use that energy on herself and me, the same way she used to. Working out does as much for her brain and self-esteem as it does for her body... and I miss all of that.

 

Have you talked to her about this at all? Actually sat her down without being interupted by the kids and talking about it?

[CarolAnne]

and as many can't beleive this to be true, I like other women who have posted, DO NOT IMAGINE other men --I am with the man I love in mind, body and spirit... with him and when alone. Sure a guy can be attractive to me but I NEVER sexualize him in my mind.

 

I quess that is part of the uneven parallels of how men and women can be...

 

This is the same issue and I have to say, that as a woman I DO think about other guys and situations and porn relieves some of the effort of having to be creative, thousands of scenarios and people -- we don't watch because I love my bf less or would EVER consider being disloyal to him, it's just something new. Like the toy in the Cracker jack box, its cheap and entertaining for about 15 minutes and then totally forgotten.

 

The other thing I just can't figure out is why I SHOULD only think of him!! I mean, WHY??? So I should think to myself, "Carol, stop right now. Do not imagine the things you just saw in the video. Eliminate all thoughts except for the guy in front of you. Do. Not. Think. Of. Anything. Else."

 

1. For those of you who don't see porn as a big deal, do you distinguish between different kinds of porn (e.g., magazine, movie, homemade video on the internet, internet video with a link to the actresses e-mail address)?

No not really. Why would I care if it's on VHS, DVD or just on paper? What matters to me is the content, because I feel like porn is a channel to what guys are secretly thinking in everyday life. Like for example there was one scene where a guy is ordering a biscuit and coffee, and the waitress brings him his food and then puts her high heel shoe up on his crotch and tells him she's dying for him to go over to the kitchen and have sex. "Do you want some honey with that biscuit?" And I had to burst out laughing, guys, is this what you are secretly praying will happen when the waitress brings you a Mcdonald's biscuit?? Anyhow a few days later when I was bringing him breakfast I did the same thing with the same cheesy line and he thought I could read minds but no, I just memorized the porn

Content-wise I have a real problem with violent porn though, there is no justification in my mind for anyone to film someone else getting hurt. I usually identify with one of the girls in the movie and think "that could be me" so its really frightening that somewhere, some guy is imagining taking someone like me home and beating the crap out of her. My bf has never brought anything like that home, but I've seen it in stores. The storyline/ scenarios for me is the single most important thing, makes all the difference between good porn and boring porn, because if its just beautiful people having sex with no personality or talking or emotion or anything then I get bored really fast. But generally, as long as everyone is getting along and having a good time, I don't have a problem with it.

 

"Internet video w a link to the actresses e-mail address"

LOL please tell me you don't REALLY believe these are real email addresses?? just like anything on the internet they are always trying to sell you something, flash some t&a on the screen and hope you're dummy enough to whip out your credit card, actually writing to one of those addresses is just going to get you a link to buy another video or start sending you junk mail

 

now i struggle wiht the porn, he used to watch our home videos but hasn't in while(he moved a couple of months ago), only goes to the commercial stuff.... (that he did unpack--our stuff--nope)

that in itself is more of a negative reflection on me --we make love with each other, he has our videos for when I am not around and yet he chooses porn instead....

I don't watch old porn either, once you've seen it and already know exactly what is going to happen and can predict what people are going to say then it's way past time to make a new video

[Horse]

It is a fantasy but not one of just you sitting in some harmless hammock on the beach... but of you scr**ing that chick that the woman you are with is NOT.

 

I fantasize about all kinds of stuff all day... What it would be like to be president, to go to war, to be a UFC fighter, to drive a racecar etc...

 

I don't really want to drive a racecar to work every day, or get my ass kicked in the octogon. And... if I had the oportunity, I wouldn't have sex with a porstar.

 

Sometimes it is just nice to escape from a safe world where you get rejected all of the time and imagine someone being excited about being with you. Someone actually trying to seduce you instead of the other way around. Sometimes it's nice to fantasize about things I know I will never do, like have sex with a superhero while flying through the air.

 

 

---with porn, many women are subject to the porn demands their partners make..

 

What would you say to women, who like me and others who have gone on to have kids. worked HARD to stay in shape(despite the REAL aspects of pregnancy, birth, breast feeding and age) who keep up with life and home and still have managed to have a strong libido...(mine stronger than in my 20's and yes I am even past my "female peak 30's"...

I had a marriage where my spouse then had no need for porn cause with me " there was no need for it"

 

....men, my man--just aren't satisfied even when they do have so much there ready and willing for them.

 

I would say you have a right to be upset, but more about the lack of respect and unreasonable demands than about someone spanking it to a picture of a naked chick before they take a shower.

 

Anyone who continues to try to pop a movie in before sex after their partner has already told them that they are turned off by it (I think that was you) is a dumb jerk. It's pretty dumb to do something that you know turns your partner off right before you are supposed to have sex... no matter what it is.

 

Someone who expects you to live up to an impossible standard (I assume he has asked you to look a certain way) is also a stupid jerk. People get the idea that they need to look a certain way from many different places (TV, movies, Magazines, Barbie Dolls etc.) Porn might be a bit more extreme, because you see everything, but not by much.

 

 

and as many can't beleive this to be true, I like other women who have posted, DO NOT IMAGINE other men --I am with the man I love in mind, body and spirit... with him and when alone. Sure a guy can be attractive to me but I NEVER sexualize him in my mind.

 

I believe it. When I get regular sex, I hardly notice other women. But after a couple weeks it a completely different story.

 

 

 

Also... Women tend to fantasize about romantic things, like what it would be like to be married to that hot guy... to have a family with him... what their kids would look like... etc...

 

Should men be upset about that fantasy about a perfect relationship with a dude that never does anything wrong and always know the right thing to say?

[IpAncA]

I was just wondering this for some of you guys or maybe all of you. Would you look at porn less if you were getting what you wanted sexually from your SO.

 

If things were the way you wanted it would be more likely to look at it less because I'm noticeing that some of you are going more towards it because your not getting what you want from you wife?

[tommyr]

Maybe thats why she devotes herself to the children and not you. Do you guys have like 10 kids or something? You make it sound like she works to the bone.

Her devotion goes wherever she chooses to direct it. These days its all spent being SuperMom to our two (2) kids (1 kindy and 1 preschool).

 

You can't expect her to look like she did when you didn't have kids and expect everything to be as it was with kids. Sure she should take more pride in herself but it seems like she

just don't have the urge to do it. Maybe she's noticed that you have no interest to figures why try.

After a lifetime history of enjoying exercise, good foods, and normal efforts to maintain appearance, having kids is NOT an excuse to suddenly abandon all that. I too have kids and a spouse who shows me little interest, yet somehow I can still remember the 1st Law of Thermodynamics: calories consumed - calories burned = net gain/loss

 

You can't make her stop changing. You obviously have issues with the way she looks. Don't you think there is more to her then looks?

Agree: I cannot make her do anything. And agree there is more to her than looks. But (to me) a burned out/non-exercising/low-libido/junk food eating wife is just not very sexy. After all this she still declines the majority of my regular sexual advances. So I use porn.

 

Have you talked to her about this at all? Actually sat her down without being interupted by the kids and talking about it?

Yes, several times in the past 6 months. The focus has been on getting her some help to pay better attention to herself and my needs. I have NEVER brought up the weight topic for fear of being "mean". This is how I forced her to utilize more help (afterschool care, more babysitters). I also brought in a housekeeper to interview but she sent her away. Ive been leaving work for lunchtime once/week to come home for kidfree "private time". We are starting mariage counseling next week.

[Mr. Lucky]

and as many can't beleive this to be true, I like other women who have posted, DO NOT IMAGINE other men --I am with the man I love in mind, body and spirit... with him and when alone. Sure a guy can be attractive to me but I NEVER sexualize him in my mind.

 

I quess that is part of the uneven parallels of how men and women can be...

Men and women are different, a basic truth. But why do some of the women here think that different = wrong? I believe that you don't sexualize a fantasy partner in your mind and can accept that as a true statement for other women here. So you don't and I do. Are you good and I'm evil or are we just different as men and women?

 

Both sexes would be well served to better appreciate the advantages of those differences. I don't want my wife to think like a man that happens to have a vagina, and hopefully she doesn't want me to turn into a woman with a d*ck.

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Exactly. Men and women should accept the differences in eachother and instead of trying to change, try to understand and compromise.

 

I love that my guy is a MAN. I love that Sunday's he lazes on the couch watchin' football. It makes him happy! He works his butt off all week long, who am I to tell him he can't watch football? Mind you, if we have plans or something he has no problem turning off the TV. I also love that he is who he is and doesn't try to change himself. Sure he's annoying as heck at times, but so am I.

 

Good post Mr Lucky!

[rainfall]

2. For those of you who see porn as a problem, do you distinguish between porn used by you and your significant other as a tool versus porn one of you uses instead of seeking gratification from the other?

 

There is no difference between the two. Porn does not turn me on so there is no way we would ever use it together. It actually puts me out of the mood and makes me want to go to the gym, get breast implants, and starve myself.

I mean nothing makes a women feel sexier then seeing a fake plastic perfect women and watching her man wish he could be with her.

 

No in my mind their is no difference. Both are just as wrong as the other.

[IpAncA]

Her devotion goes wherever she chooses to direct it. These days its all spent being SuperMom to our two (2) kids (1 kindy and 1 preschool).

 

Yes, several times in the past 6 months. The focus has been on getting her some help to pay better attention to herself and my needs. I have NEVER brought up the weight topic for fear of being "mean". This is how I forced her to utilize more help (afterschool care, more babysitters). I also brought in a housekeeper to interview but she sent her away. Ive been leaving work for lunchtime once/week to come home for kidfree "private time". We are starting mariage counseling next week.

 

Yeah I've seen this with other couples too. Priorities get shifted around a bit but I'm glad your both going to counseling. Sure could use it.

 

Good luck.

[cutegirl]

So I guess all men really are just shallow jerks then. I know alot people (women) who can think a man is attractive but have NO DESIRE to sleep with him. Not everyone is a walking sex crazed freak who wants to sleep with anything and everything they find half way attractive.

 

If that is true men wonder why women think they are all jerks who only care about sex.

 

Hmm... I'm a girl and ALL the guys I know fantasize about hot girls they meet, bank tellers, girls at work.. etc.. They tell me.

 

I am sure you are NEVER going to find a guy who will not at some time, most likely times, fantasize about someone else. You might meet a guy who will tell you what you want to hear though.

 

Porn has nothing to do with it. You think guys didn't fantasize about banging hot girls other than their wives before the invention of the tv? They have been doing it since the beginning of time. It's hardwired in their DNA.

[WhisperingWillow]

I do fantasize about being with other people too. It's a fantasy. You have to separate fantasy from reality. CarolAnne made an excellent analogy of the toy in the cracker jack box, it's cheap and entertaining for about fifteen minutes. Would I act out on the fantasies? HELL NO! My boyfriend is whom I love and he is great in bed, the best I've had thus far and I'm 31, have had experience, he's just the best because not only does he feed my physical carnal side, he also feeds my mind. We have a very strong connection. One unlike I've ever experienced and even though we may have a fantasy or two about others it doesn't mean we love each other any less. I am not interested in a love affair with someone else, nor an affair of any kind, but it sure is fun to fantasize and feel safe about it.

 

Tommy, I've seen a lot of your situation with others. This happened in my marriage too. You are in fact jealous of your wifes time and devotion to your children, this is normal. My ex husband was the same. Though he had a lot of other issues too. What I finally did was to put both kids in a after school program, and twice a week we had a babysitter. This worked for us. I was also working out and eating more healthy. You're right that some women do hide out in "mommyhood". They do that because they're sometimes scared. Their bodies have went through major trauma. Ie stretch marks, sagging, loose skin, and they don't feel sexy. Even when you work out do you think the stretch marks go? No. Does the sagging go? Somewhat but not totally, does the loose skin go? No. Fact I use to be a personal trainer and aerobics teacher, loose skin will not tighten back up without surgery. Now if it's minimal it might. Not saying it won't or it will but it has to be minimal. It's hard for women. It really is, though I abandoned all my negativity and said "You know what, I take good care of myself and I've worked hard and if a guy wants to be with me then he'll be with me in all my glory and if not then he has to go his own way". I'm very confident now and well I'm sure your wife can get to that point too. Help her out.

[StayClose]

I was just wondering this for some of you guys or maybe all of you. Would you look at porn less if you were getting what you wanted sexually from your SO.

 

If things were the way you wanted it would be more likely to look at it less because I'm noticeing that some of you are going more towards it because your not getting what you want from you wife?

 

Absolutely. A couple of years ago my wife wanted me to stop using the porn, and said "If you're feeling horny, just talk to me!" When I was able to quit the porn and freely initiate sex with my wife, we had a brief second honeymoon.

 

Unfortuntely, it didn't last.

[WhisperingWillow]

I was just wondering this for some of you guys or maybe all of you. Would you look at porn less if you were getting what you wanted sexually from your SO.

 

If things were the way you wanted it would be more likely to look at it less because I'm noticeing that some of you are going more towards it because your not getting what you want from you wife?

 

 

I pointed this same thing out in some of my earlier posts to the thread. If you aren't getting what you want from your spouse and you feel neglected then porn is a outlet to substitute for the real thing. I'd much rather my SO use porn than go out and use the real thing.

 

Some people believe that even that's a betrayal, some people believe that a man masturbating is a betrayal. I just chalk it all up to insecurities. It took me a long time to become the way I am and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

[StayClose]

To refuse to have sex with your spouse, or to refuse to work on the issue if you lose your sex drive for a significant length of time, is also a betrayal.

 

To borrow the analogy" why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free," I would ask, what happens when you buy a cow with a contract to get your milk from that cow exclusively, and a year or two later the cow refuses to give milk?

[WhisperingWillow]

To refuse to have sex with your spouse, or to refuse to work on the issue if you lose your sex drive for a significant length of time, is also a betrayal.

 

To borrow the analogy" why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free," I would ask, what happens when you buy a cow with a contract to get your milk from that cow exclusively, and a year or two later the cow refuses to give milk?

 

 

Hahahah, good analogy. Then in the world of business you'd do what? Look for a new supplier. Doesn't have to be another cow, can be a imitation machine (ie porn), because you have a strong bond with the stubborn cow you're not getting your milk from and would rather not damage that relationship. I totally understand and I agree.

[rtHawk]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rtHawk

and as many can't beleive this to be true, I like other women who have posted, DO NOT IMAGINE other men --I am with the man I love in mind, body and spirit... with him and when alone. Sure a guy can be attractive to me but I NEVER sexualize him in my mind.

 

I quess that is part of the uneven parallels of how men and women can be...

 

This is the same issue and I have to say, that as a woman I DO think about other guys and situations and porn relieves some of the effort of having to be creative, thousands of scenarios and people -- we don't watch because I love my bf less or would EVER consider being disloyal to him, it's just something new. Like the toy in the Cracker jack box, its cheap and entertaining for about 15 minutes and then totally forgotten.

 

The other thing I just can't figure out is why I SHOULD only think of him!! I mean, WHY??? So I should think to myself, "Carol, stop right now. Do not imagine the things you just saw in the video. Eliminate all thoughts except for the guy in front of you. Do. Not. Think. Of. Anything. Else."

 

CarolAnne---It is really good to read your perspective as a woman.

and NO you don't have to do anything that doesn't fit into your life and the relationship you have with your SO.

For me, the point was made because it is often thrown in our face that we fantasize too so what the harm. My point is that I just don't. I am completely satisfied, content and enjoy my MAN. I have plenty of imagination and creative energy to not need porn to fuel my sexual relationship--but that is me. It us understood that maybe that doesn't happen for everyone. That is my dilemma; it feels that for me porn=dissatisfaction, lack of attraction and a "mental need" to "mindfully screw" any woman you can because the one you are with just doesn't satisfy you completely. .... on a very basic level, that for me is very hurtful and truely does feel like a type of rejection and infidelity.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by rtHawk

and as many can't beleive this to be true, I like other women who have posted, DO NOT IMAGINE other men --I am with the man I love in mind, body and spirit... with him and when alone. Sure a guy can be attractive to me but I NEVER sexualize him in my mind.

 

I quess that is part of the uneven parallels of how men and women can be...

 

This is the same issue and I have to say, that as a woman I DO think about other guys and situations and porn relieves some of the effort of having to be creative, thousands of scenarios and people -- we don't watch because I love my bf less or would EVER consider being disloyal to him, it's just something new. Like the toy in the Cracker jack box, its cheap and entertaining for about 15 minutes and then totally forgotten.

 

The other thing I just can't figure out is why I SHOULD only think of him!! I mean, WHY??? So I should think to myself, "Carol, stop right now. Do not imagine the things you just saw in the video. Eliminate all thoughts except for the guy in front of you. Do. Not. Think. Of. Anything. Else."

 

DITTO ON THAT ONE!

I would say you have a right to be upset, but more about the lack of respect and unreasonable demands than about someone spanking it to a picture of a naked chick before they take a shower.

 

Anyone who continues to try to pop a movie in before sex after their partner has already told them that they are turned off by it (I think that was you) is a dumb jerk. It's pretty dumb to do something that you know turns your partner off right before you are supposed to have sex... no matter what it is.

 

actually no that wasn't me, thankfully--it would be done and over by now if that type of disrespect were to continue. My SO has in the past popped one in here and there and I for his sake tolerated it, but did not appreciate it and actually became disheartened and turned -off big time becuase I can not separate this as entertainment and the feelint that he wanted it or needed it to get turned on in order to be with me. He has stopped and fully knows that who I am with him physically in bed does not boost my confidence and then literally turns me into a wet dishrag instead of a love crazed woman.

 

believe it. When I get regular sex, I hardly notice other women. But after a couple weeks it a completely different story.

 

 

 

Also... Women tend to fantasize about romantic things, like what it would be like to be married to that hot guy... to have a family with him... what their kids would look like... etc...

 

Should men be upset about that fantasy about a perfect relationship with a dude that never does anything wrong and always know the right thing to say?

 

hardly noticing other women; that is very nice to read... a little more reassuring.

 

Women fantasizing about the perfect man and the perfect relationship: is probably a fantasy created in her mind and probably not one she masturbates to..just a fleeting thought that has no physical connection and simultaneous endorphin release that can make that a more frequent and sought out avenue of escape...

and does it threaten your masculinity????maybe it doesn't maybe it does???

 

and I too love that my MAN is a man, don't get me wrong. I love his hairy chest and strong arms and his athletisism; the way he yells at the tv when his team is playing and the way he holds my hand to help me as we scale a steep mountain hike so I don't slip at the wrong spots.. He is a MAN in all sense of what I appreciate about a man, but

PORN does not a man make!!!!

or does it???? odd for me to ask this crazy ?? because I absolutley abhor the men do because of their biological design.

Yet, I am left asking myself is it really still that deeply rooted in the gender to be a MAN? a man needs to procreate and will do so with as many as possible to assign his masculinity ( speaking on a very basic scientific level and in understanding the animal kingdom and it's behaviour)

 

so is it really still a part of that on a very innate level????

 

I can try to understand that on an intellectual level, but emotionally--- I really want to be the one woman of my SO's desires and find it painfully difficult to try and reconcile that I am not ( or at least that is how porn portrays itself a relationship for me.)

[Jeffrey]

No, I doubt I would look any less. I get more than enough action as it is, but I still like my private time. Each serves a different need.

 

I was just wondering this for some of you guys or maybe all of you. Would you look at porn less if you were getting what you wanted sexually from your SO.

 

If things were the way you wanted it would be more likely to look at it less because I'm noticeing that some of you are going more towards it because your not getting what you want from you wife?

[Horse]

Powdered milk sucks though...

[rtHawk]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rtHawk

and as many can't beleive this to be true, I like other women who have posted, DO NOT IMAGINE other men --I am with the man I love in mind, body and spirit... with him and when alone. Sure a guy can be attractive to me but I NEVER sexualize him in my mind.

 

I quess that is part of the uneven parallels of how men and women can be...

 

This is the same issue and I have to say, that as a woman I DO think about other guys and situations and porn relieves some of the effort of having to be creative, thousands of scenarios and people -- we don't watch because I love my bf less or would EVER consider being disloyal to him, it's just something new. Like the toy in the Cracker jack box, its cheap and entertaining for about 15 minutes and then totally forgotten.

 

The other thing I just can't figure out is why I SHOULD only think of him!! I mean, WHY??? So I should think to myself, "Carol, stop right now. Do not imagine the things you just saw in the video. Eliminate all thoughts except for the guy in front of you. Do. Not. Think. Of. Anything. Else."

 

CarolAnne---It is really good to read your perspective as a woman.

and NO you don't have to do anything that doesn't fit into your life and the relationship you have with your SO.

For me, the point was made because it is often thrown in our face that we fantasize too so what the harm. My point is that I just don't. I am completely satisfied, content and enjoy my MAN. I have plenty of imagination and creative energy to not need porn to fuel my sexual relationship--but that is me. It us understood that maybe that doesn't happen for everyone. That is my dilemma; it feels that for me porn=dissatisfaction, lack of attraction and a "mental need" to "mindfully screw" any woman you can because the one you are with just doesn't satisfy you completely. .... on a very basic level, that for me is very hurtful and truely does feel like a type of rejection and infidelity.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by rtHawk

and as many can't beleive this to be true, I like other women who have posted, DO NOT IMAGINE other men --I am with the man I love in mind, body and spirit... with him and when alone. Sure a guy can be attractive to me but I NEVER sexualize him in my mind.

 

I quess that is part of the uneven parallels of how men and women can be...

 

This is the same issue and I have to say, that as a woman I DO think about other guys and situations and porn relieves some of the effort of having to be creative, thousands of scenarios and people -- we don't watch because I love my bf less or would EVER consider being disloyal to him, it's just something new. Like the toy in the Cracker jack box, its cheap and entertaining for about 15 minutes and then totally forgotten.

 

The other thing I just can't figure out is why I SHOULD only think of him!! I mean, WHY??? So I should think to myself, "Carol, stop right now. Do not imagine the things you just saw in the video. Eliminate all thoughts except for the guy in front of you. Do. Not. Think. Of. Anything. Else."

 

DITTO ON THAT ONE!

I would say you have a right to be upset, but more about the lack of respect and unreasonable demands than about someone spanking it to a picture of a naked chick before they take a shower.

 

Anyone who continues to try to pop a movie in before sex after their partner has already told them that they are turned off by it (I think that was you) is a dumb jerk. It's pretty dumb to do something that you know turns your partner off right before you are supposed to have sex... no matter what it is.

 

actually no that wasn't me, thankfully--it would be done and over by now if that type of disrespect were to continue. My SO has in the past popped one in here and there and I for his sake tolerated it, but did not appreciate it and actually became disheartened and turned -off big time becuase I can not separate this as entertainment and the feelint that he wanted it or needed it to get turned on in order to be with me. He has stopped and fully knows that who I am with him physically in bed does not boost my confidence and then literally turns me into a wet dishrag instead of a love crazed woman.

 

believe it. When I get regular sex, I hardly notice other women. But after a couple weeks it a completely different story.

 

 

 

Also... Women tend to fantasize about romantic things, like what it would be like to be married to that hot guy... to have a family with him... what their kids would look like... etc...

 

Should men be upset about that fantasy about a perfect relationship with a dude that never does anything wrong and always know the right thing to say?

 

hardly noticing other women; that is very nice to read... a little more reassuring.

 

Women fantasizing about the perfect man and the perfect relationship: is probably a fantasy created in her mind and probably not one she masturbates to..just a fleeting thought that has no physical connection and simultaneous endorphin release that can make that a more frequent and sought out avenue of escape...

and does it threaten your masculinity????maybe it doesn't maybe it does???

 

and I too love that my MAN is a man, don't get me wrong. I love his hairy chest and strong arms and his athletisism; the way he yells at the tv when his team is playing and the way he holds my hand to help me as we scale a steep mountain hike so I don't slip at the wrong spots.. He is a MAN in all sense of what I appreciate about a man, but

PORN does not a man make!!!!

or does it???? odd for me to ask this crazy ?? because I absolutley abhor the men do because of their biological design.

Yet, I am left asking myself is it really still that deeply rooted in the gender to be a MAN? a man needs to procreate and will do so with as many as possible to assign his masculinity ( speaking on a very basic scientific level and in understanding the animal kingdom and it's behaviour)

 

so is it really still a part of that on a very innate level????

 

I can try to understand that on an intellectual level, but emotionally--- I really want to be the one woman of my SO's desires and find it painfully difficult to try and reconcile that I am not ( or at least that is how porn portrays itself a relationship for me.)

[rtHawk]

No, I doubt I would look any less. I get more than enough action as it is, but I still like my private time. Each serves a different need.

 

aside the obvious need for masturbation/release--what or how is that different in that you still need it even with enough action????

 

is it for ease of quick release /time?

is it for having the ability to feel as though your are with another woman?

is it for getting ideas?

 

curious.... and maybe curiousity kills the cat, but still trying to better understand!

[Horse]

For me, the point was made because it is often thrown in our face that we fantasize too so what the harm. My point is that I just don't. I am completely satisfied, content and enjoy my MAN. I have plenty of imagination and creative energy to not need porn to fuel my sexual relationship--but that is me. It us understood that maybe that doesn't happen for everyone. That is my dilemma; it feels that for me porn=dissatisfaction, lack of attraction and a "mental need" to "mindfully screw" any woman you can because the one you are with just doesn't satisfy you completely. .... on a very basic level, that for me is very hurtful and truely does feel like a type of rejection and infidelity.

 

Just a thought:

 

... Aren't you doing the same thing if you are basically saying "I don't care if other people fantasize about different people/situations. I don't do it, so it not OK for my guy to do it..."

 

It seems like you feel like other people are asking you to accept something that seems normal to them, but hurtful to you, but you are asking your guy to give up something that seems normal and pleasurable to him.