Men-honest:questionaire Re: Porn

[cutegirl]

Or like I said be like a man and find someone who I can "settle" for. If I don't really love them I will not care when they decide they want to sleep with the hot chick they saw at the store or from the tv.

 

Yea, you could do that, but personally I wouldn't want to waste my time, cause my time is worth a lot and someone who I would be "settling" for would not be worth my time. My boyfriend or husband would benefit from my money and all that I have have worked for all of my life. Why would I let someone who's not completely devoted to me benefit from my finances and benefit from being around me? I would personally keep it to myself and be by myself. I would not want some man that I'm settling for to benefit from being with me and all that I have worked for.

 

That's just me though.

[rainfall]

Yea, you could do that, but personally I wouldn't want to waste my time, cause my time is worth a lot and someone who I would be "settling" for would not be worth my time. My boyfriend or husband would benefit from my money and all that I have have worked for all of my life. Why would I let someone who's not completely devoted to me benefit from my finances and benefit from being around me? I would personally keep it to myself and be by myself. I would not want some man that I'm settling for to benefit from being with me and all that I have worked for.

 

That's just me though.

 

 

If he wants to sleep with other women then he is not completely devoted to you. In no way is he even close to being devoted to you. He is using you as a place he can get off to his thought of perfect women.

[Guest]

Yea, you could do that, but personally I wouldn't want to waste my time, cause my time is worth a lot and someone who I would be "settling" for would not be worth my time. My boyfriend or husband would benefit from my money and all that I have have worked for all of my life. Why would I let someone who's not completely devoted to me benefit from my finances and benefit from being around me? I would personally keep it to myself and be by myself. I would not want some man that I'm settling for to benefit from being with me and all that I have worked for.

 

That's just me though.

No, but if she can’t have a man she wants (the one who doesn’t drool over other women), she can at least find one with lots of money… So she can benefit from his money, while he benefits by being ‘allowed’ to screw whomever he wants.

Win-win.

 

Something I’m seriously considering after reading these threads.

[CarolAnne]

I am almost willing to bet my LIFE that ALL guys have passing sexual thoughts or fantasies about other women while in relationships.

Keyword: passing. As in, briefly flashes through the mind, but not something that he would throw away a relationship actually acting upon.

 

The kind of guy that you want, the kind that NEVER fantasizes sexually about another woman does not exist on Planet Earth.

or he's gay or he's lying

 

If you don't want to be pathetic than your only option is to be single.

Where did you get the idea that a man even thinking about another woman means he will have an affair?? I take it you don't have alot of guy friends.

 

Because if you try to impose some kind of thought ban on your bf you will scare him away, and other guys (and not a few ladies) will think its a joke - a totally bizarre and pathetic reason to break up. "He wouldn't think exclusively of me at all times so I broke up with him" WTF. Also they will tell him that he can do better than some psycho lady trying to control his mind, who freaks if his 'thoughts' don't meet up to her demands/expectations. Life is hard enough does anyone really want an SO who demands to monitor and control even your own thoughts?? Maybe you can come to some sort of agreement about porn, such as that he cannot watch it in front of you and better clear the history on the browser so you don't ever see it, because you have a moral objection to it or something, but don't for a minute think he will obey your thought commands. Or that when he is out with his friends that a bunch of guys having a beer aren't going to look at the women around them. Please wake up.

 

Also several people have asked and I'm just curious, how old are you and is this your first relationship?

[rainfall]

Where did you get the idea that a man even thinking about another woman means he will have an affair?? I take it you don't have alot of guy friends.

 

Because if you try to impose some kind of thought ban on your bf you will scare him away, and other guys (and not a few ladies) will think its a joke - a totally bizarre and pathetic reason to break up. "He wouldn't think exclusively of me at all times so I broke up with him" WTF. Also they will tell him that he can do better than some psycho lady trying to control his mind, who freaks if his 'thoughts' don't meet up to her demands/expectations. Life is hard enough does anyone really want an SO who demands to monitor and control even your own thoughts?? Maybe you can come to some sort of agreement about porn, such as that he cannot watch it in front of you and better clear the history on the browser so you don't ever see it, because you have a moral objection to it or something, but don't for a minute think he will obey your thought commands. Or that when he is out with his friends that a bunch of guys having a beer aren't going to look at the women around them. Please wake up.

 

Also several people have asked and I'm just curious, how old are you and is this your first relationship?

 

 

Its not that I have a moral objection to the porn. I have a moral objection to being with someone who wants to sleep with other people. I can do better then some guy who thinks about other women while having sex with me and while masturbating. Hey I am a damn good girlfriend and the ONLY thing that I disagree with him on is this issue.

 

My few male friends I do have tell me that guys will look at porn more if they are unhappy with their sex life and sex partners.

 

If you are happy being with someone who doesn't really care about you and is only with you till something better comes along hey thats ok.

However I want to be with someone who loves me and is happy with me and doesn't want to change me into Pamela Anderson (or whoever) the next time we have sex.

 

I am 25 almost 26 and this is my first "long-term relationship. However I have had other relationships just they weren't right for me.

[whichwayisup]

Keyword: passing. As in, briefly flashes through the mind, but not something that he would throw away a relationship actually acting upon.

This is the bottomline isn't it. Men (and women) can have sexual thoughts once in a while about someone else and IT MEANS NOTHING. It's just a thought...A passing thought...NOONE is stupid enough to end a relationship because of this?

 

or he's gay or he's lying

 

Well, if he's gay, he's thinking of other men...

 

Where did you get the idea that a man even thinking about another woman means he will have an affair?? I take it you don't have alot of guy friends.

 

Yup, true. MEN are sexually driven, plain and simple. It doesn't matter HOW much or HOW good the sex is at home, they still like to glance at other women, check them out. I figure it's just human nature...And, just because one is committed in a relationship or married doesn't mean they can't enjoy a beautiful body, a hot guy, whatever...KEEP IT IN PERSPECTIVE, that is all. It really is no big deal unless one makes it out to be.

 

Because if you try to impose some kind of thought ban on your bf you will scare him away, and other guys (and not a few ladies) will think its a joke - a totally bizarre and pathetic reason to break up. "He wouldn't think exclusively of me at all times so I broke up with him" WTF. Also they will tell him that he can do better than some psycho lady trying to control his mind, who freaks if his 'thoughts' don't meet up to her demands/expectations. Life is hard enough does anyone really want an SO who demands to monitor and control even your own thoughts?? Maybe you can come to some sort of agreement about porn, such as that he cannot watch it in front of you and better clear the history on the browser so you don't ever see it, because you have a moral objection to it or something, but don't for a minute think he will obey your thought commands. Or that when he is out with his friends that a bunch of guys having a beer aren't going to look at the women around them. Please wake up.

 

Good luck trying to get her to see the otherside of things. She won't and because of this, she has put herself in a situation where NO male will never be perfect enough for her, because of fantasy/sexual thoughts...Private thoughts...That really aren't anyones business but the person thinking it.

[rainfall]

This is the bottomline isn't it. Men (and women) can have sexual thoughts once in a while about someone else and IT MEANS NOTHING. It's just a thought...A passing thought...NOONE is stupid enough to end a relationship because of this?

 

Yup, true. MEN are sexually driven, plain and simple. It doesn't matter HOW much or HOW good the sex is at home, they still like to glance at other women, check them out. I figure it's just human nature...And, just because one is committed in a relationship or married doesn't mean they can't enjoy a beautiful body, a hot guy, whatever...KEEP IT IN PERSPECTIVE, that is all. It really is no big deal unless one makes it out to be.

 

Good luck trying to get her to see the otherside of things. She won't and because of this, she has put herself in a situation where NO male will never be perfect enough for her, because of fantasy/sexual thoughts...Private thoughts...That really aren't anyones business but the person thinking it.

 

 

IT MEANS YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.

It is my business if my man wants other women. I need to know if it is because he is a shallow jerk or because of a flaw I have looks wise.

[cutegirl]

IT MEANS YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.

It is my business if my man wants other women. I need to know if it is because he is a shallow jerk or because of a flaw I have looks wise.

 

How does it mean that the woman is not good enough for the man if EVERY man in the world has sexual fantasies about other women?

 

Does that than mean that no woman is good enough for any man?

 

It might very well be if you go by that belief.

 

I tend to belief that this is true as well, I believe that men are genetically disposed to spread their seeds as much and far as possible and it's only the constraints of society that are having them pretend this facade of being monogamous, but the male species is NOT monogamous in its natural state.

[Guest]

How does it mean that the woman is not good enough for the man if EVERY man in the world has sexual fantasies about other women?

I suppose you talked to "EVERY man in the world" about it?

 

How can you be so sure about something that is

1. very private

2. you know the opinion of very few men (probably all from the same culture)

3. people can even lie about it

 

Can you stop for a second - maybe, just maybe, there is a chance that you are wrong.

What you are saying is still only your opinion, not an absolute truth.

[rainfall]

How does it mean that the woman is not good enough for the man if EVERY man in the world has sexual fantasies about other women?

 

Does that than mean that no woman is good enough for any man?

 

It might very well be if you go by that belief.

 

I tend to belief that this is true as well, I believe that men are genetically disposed to spread their seeds as much and far as possible and it's only the constraints of society that are having them pretend this facade of being monogamous, but the male species is NOT monogamous in its natural state.

 

Then I guess there is no point in a relationship or love. The man will never care about the women. He will only use her to get off to perfect porn women.

Actually I am 100% convinced my sisters husband never has sexual fantasies. He has never been to a strip club, never looks at porn, will not even go to a hooters because he says the women there are trashy gold diggers. He honestly never seems intersted in any women but my sister.

So maybe 1 in 10000000 men actually don't have fantasies.

[iamwhatiam]

I just want to add to the number, and maybe - I say 'maybe' - this will provoke a man #3 to say the same - yes, there are men out there (out here?) who don't have fantasies about other women.

[Carbine]

I think you should go back and re read what all I wrote Carbine. Ask yourself why you're taking offense. You are deeply hurt by it, you said so yourself that you find it unappealing and that you feel insecure. I never said anything else about you other than that. So stop trying to play the pity me act with me because it won't work.

 

Now what I will say is if you feel victimized or hurt by what I said then I tell you what I am woman enough to apologize for it, but you need to be woman enough to own your own feelings and actions. I am not responsible for those, you are. So you need to dig a little deeper. No sympathy here. I respect you but I don't respect what you've just said. I never attacked you or anything of the sort. Enough said.

 

I don't need to be told in such a condescending manner how to read and how to reflect upon my own thoughts and feelings. Nor do I need to seek the pity or sympathy of some anonymous person on an internet forum in order to gain her approval and get people on side, or whatever it is you think i'm playing at. You know perfectly well why I took offence to that post. You didn't specifically say 'anything else' about me, but you strongly implied it. That's the only thing I take offense to. I'm not hurt by it, but it irritates me when people try and make an example of me by wrongly assuming how and what I think - and what's more making me look like a half-wit by attempting to simplify and summarise my thoughts.

 

Anyway, we'll just have to agree to disagree I guess.

[Carbine]

the porn chicks are objects to his end. He doesn't see you as an object. But it's easy to see the porn chicks that way - and to treat them that way...meaningless. And because he can only see them as objects, he gets the sexual release without hurting your feelings by having meaningless sex with you as his object instead.

Apparently a real woman doesn't have so much to offer from what the men here are saying. If that was true, men wouldn't need porn to meet any needs. But what they are saying is that they need both a real woman and porn, to keep them happy and meet their needs and desires. So you are wrong, real women don't hold much value to men.

 

I think that a man is perfectly within his rights to use these objects (i.e. porn actresses) when he's single and/or between relationships - NOT when he's in a relationship!

 

Why is it acceptable for a taken man can have his SO and still have his 'meaningless objects' on the side? IMO the essence of a committed, monogomous relationship is the bond between the two partners - i.e. the 'meaningfulness' of the relationship. To me, porn just goes and defeats the purpose of this, because it's perpetuating the belief that women are still objects, and less than equal in the relationship

 

Rain see's her boyfriends thoughts as a threat to their love. I would see them as proof of his devotion. Sure he desires sex with others, but his desire to be with her is stronger. So the only sex he engages with another person is with her. He doesn't act on his biological desire to be with as many women as possible because of his love for her. [...] But to expect your boyfriend (or girlfriend) to never have a sexual thought that doesn't revolve around you is egotistical

I really think the people who have fantasys about others are LESS likely to have a successful relationship because eventually they will become unhappy with their real life partner

I don't know about threatening their love directly, but if he's consistently watching porn and fantasising about more attractive women, then i'd say this would definately be an indirect threat in the long term. Why? Because it alters her desirability in her boyfriend's eyes. If he's constantly exposed to images and thoughts of beautiful women then his idea of female physical beauty/sex appeal and his expectations of women and their sexual behaviour are going to remain unrealistically high. The more Rain fails to live up to these expectations, the more damage its going to do to the relationship over time - damage from both ends. I think it's egotistical to expect your SO to limit their sexual thoughts to you. Sometimes it can't be helped. But to allow that person free rein to fantasise about others IMO is asking for trouble.

 

"He wouldn't think exclusively of me at all times so I broke up with him" WTF. Also they will tell him that he can do better than some psycho lady trying to control his mind, who freaks if his 'thoughts' don't meet up to her demands/expectations. Life is hard enough does anyone really want an SO who demands to monitor and control even your own thoughts??

 

I really don't get it. Why is it that those of us in the minority who aren't comfortable with our SO's watching porn/fantasising are automatically 'psycho ladies' practising 'mind control'? I can't speak for everyone else, but I couldn't care less about whatever else is on my bf's mind - the porn/fantasy thing is the only thing that bothers me.

 

Good luck trying to get her to see the otherside of things. She won't and because of this, she has put herself in a situation where NO male will never be perfect enough for her

 

How can you make that judgement based upon her posts which are limited to a specific issue (i.e. the porn/fantasy thing)??? Just because she feels that she has some say in this issue (and IMO is perfectly justified in doing so) doesn't mean she has unrealistic demands for everything else. Anyway, I'd say that it's more a case of her rebelling against being told to accept that it's SHE who'll never be perfect enough for any male.

 

because of fantasy/sexual thoughts...Private thoughts...That really aren't anyones business but the person thinking it.

Depends what the fantasy is about. If it's something that affects me (even to the smallest degree) and/or is related to an issue that i'm particularly sensitive about, then I feel it's my right to make those fantasies my business!

 

Why should I enter into a committed sexual/emotional relationship and be led to believe that it's me, my body, my appearance, my performance etc in bed that he's getting off on? Stuff being blissfully ignorant - if i'm not turning him on or am not up to standard I deserve to know about it.

[Jersey Shortie]

A better question, Jersey , is this:

 

Is the reality of the intimate sex life with your man so awful that you are left only with worries about what his thoughts and fantsies are?...... Because if if your real world sexual connection was satisfying, you wouldn't care about the Fruedian thoughts deep in his sub-conscious. That is the real issue here and the underlying motive behind your continued statements that "real women don't hold much value to men".

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Nicely done avoiding answering my question. If I answer yours will you answer mine?

 

Apparently for men, yes the reality of an intimate sex life with your woman is pretty awful since men spend alot of their time thinking and wishing for all the women they can't have and masturbating to it. Even going as far to think about other women when they are with their woman. If you work hard to meet your man's need and try to please him but he still thinks of other women, what's the point even trying?

 

You make the claim that if the real world sexual connection was satisfying, I wouldn't care what sub-conscious thoughts he had of other women, but if he was satisfied with the woman he had, he would not need to think about other women or seek them out through unreal images of women that no one can live up to. Maybe I was mistaken in thinking men could be deeply caring, loyal, honest and respectful to their SOs.

 

You wonder why women are so insecure? Hello? We keep being told how much are men seek out other women and desire and wish they could be with other women. Then we are pitted against these images of playboy bunnies that your woman can't live up to and you tell us you need to have both that and us! Yeah! That is going to cause some questions about just exactly how men see women and if they even give a crap about them.

 

Do you not see how that would make some one question their place in someone's live Mr. Lucky? You and the other man can't see how that causes hurt, and confusion, and questions when your actions say something as huge as that? Will you let your little girl know what to expect out of a man and in a relationship? That he is goign to need to have porn in his life and her to feel like a complete man? That she isn't going to cut it for him? She won't be enough. Will you tell her that?

 

I answered your questions Mr.Lucky. Now answer mine. Can you not understand how these are issues for women who just want their man, ONE man, to care for them? Is the reality of what you have so horrible that you need to escape from it with women that could probably care less if you were hit by a bus tomorrow?

 

The defense that men constantly use to support porn amazes me. It also reminds me where men's loyalities lay and just how important porn is to them. I would like for once, for a man to stand up for the woman in his life instead of standing up for his porn. But I can see that is nothing but my own unrealistc fantasy about men's common decenacy.

 

 

 

(and I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me how you read or control your partner's mind )

 

You can't. And no one here is saying they want to. I don't want to control anyone's thoughs or minds. But apparently it is asking too much of men to be loyal, honest, decent partners who honestly care about their woman. And if my guy is thinking of other women, then there is no need for me to be there for that. And I have the right to know so that I don't end up being degraded or disrespected.

 

 

It doesn't matter HOW much or HOW good the sex is at home, they still like to glance at other women, check them out.

 

Maybe this is the reason women get fat and don't care about their husbands needs anymore. They are the ones that learned that men just can't be happy and there is no point and working to please your husband if at the end of the day, he is going to turn his head for the next hot woman that walks by.

 

 

Because if you try to impose some kind of thought ban on your bf you will scare him away, and other guys (and not a few ladies) will think its a joke - a totally bizarre and pathetic reason to break up. "He wouldn't think exclusively of me at all times so I broke up with him" WT

 

NO ONE IS TRYING TO CONTROL ANYONE'S THOUGHTS.

 

Anyway, I always get scared away when I know a guy is into porn. Who needs that? It's pathetic anyway to be staring a a computer screen with yourself in your hand attracted to a woman and what she is doing that doesn't know you even exist.

 

 

Maybe you can come to some sort of agreement about porn, such as that he cannot watch it in front of you and better clear the history on the browser so you don't ever see it,

 

LOL! How is that a compromise?????? Maybe we can also agree that I can sleep with other men as long as he doesn't have to see it! Lol.

 

 

Seriously, I wonder how men would feel if women had a multi-billion industry basically telling men how they don't measure up in their eyes and never will, how it played off all the things women are sensitive to and are inherently insecure about and magnified that 10 times over. Because both sexes have things they are inherently insecure about as men and women. And I just wonder how men would feel if it was women seeking out other men to the level and degree men do on women. I wonder how men would feel if they had to deal with the things women had to deal with. Because quite honestly. You guys just don't. You don't have to deal with this and you don't try to understand.

 

And I serioulsy hope those men with daughters let them know what an important part in a man's life porn plays. Please tell her. Because she will grow up thinking men are decent, loving, loyal partners when that just isn't the truth.

[WhisperingWillow]

I don't need to be told in such a condescending manner how to read and how to reflect upon my own thoughts and feelings. Nor do I need to seek the pity or sympathy of some anonymous person on an internet forum in order to gain her approval and get people on side, or whatever it is you think i'm playing at. You know perfectly well why I took offence to that post. You didn't specifically say 'anything else' about me, but you strongly implied it. That's the only thing I take offense to. I'm not hurt by it, but it irritates me when people try and make an example of me by wrongly assuming how and what I think - and what's more making me look like a half-wit by attempting to simplify and summarise my thoughts.

 

Anyway, we'll just have to agree to disagree I guess.

 

Yes we will.

 

As for everything else I really think it's beating a dead horse in the face over this subject. It's like beating your head against a wall in here. I think there's been a lot of good points made though from CA, WWIU, Horse, and others.

[WhisperingWillow]

IT MEANS YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.

It is my business if my man wants other women. I need to know if it is because he is a shallow jerk or because of a flaw I have looks wise.

 

This is going to sound real mean but I'm going to come out and say it, in my opinion only and only mine, I think you need HELP. I'm serious. You have a very demented and albeit distorted way of looking at things. No amount of trying to talk to you in a straight way is going to help and it's like beating your head into the ground. This is of course my opinion, but since no one else has said this I do indeed think you need HELP.

[Mr. Lucky]

I Depends what the fantasy is about. If it's something that affects me (even to the smallest degree) and/or is related to an issue that i'm particularly sensitive about, then I feel it's my right to make those fantasies my business!

 

Why should I enter into a committed sexual/emotional relationship and be led to believe that it's me, my body, my appearance, my performance etc in bed that he's getting off on? Stuff being blissfully ignorant - if i'm not turning him on or am not up to standard I deserve to know about it.

What you'll get, rather than knowledge, is deceit. If you set an impossible, impractical and (in my opinion) illogical standard for your partner - "look at me and only me, think about me and only me, fantasize about me and only me" - then he will lie to you about his compliance to keep the peace. Doesn't this "committed, monogomous relationship" you describe value honesty? You won't get it under your rules. As your SO, you would have a right to judge my words, acts and deeds. Not my thoughts or fantasies...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

This is going to sound real mean but I'm going to come out and say it, in my opinion only and only mine, I think you need HELP. I'm serious. You have a very demented and albeit distorted way of looking at things. No amount of trying to talk to you in a straight way is going to help and it's like beating your head into the ground. This is of course my opinion, but since no one else has said this I do indeed think you need HELP.

 

I second this, respectfully...

 

Once again, NOONE can control another persons thoughts or ask them what to think about and what not to think about.

 

This has been one of the most interesting, yet frustrating threads I've seen in a long time. So many views, most can see both sides, but there are afew who just don't get it. *shakes head...*

 

IT MEANS YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.

It is my business if my man wants other women. I need to know if it is because he is a shallow jerk or because of a flaw I have looks wise.

 

What you STILL don't get is this...A man noticing or even checking out another woman has NOTHING to do with you. PERIOD. END OF STORY. It is just how the MALE BRAIN functions. IT IS INSTINCTUAL. A man who is married, a man who is in a relationship, a man who is gay and in a relationship or married (to another guy) will STILL fantasize about other people. IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD and it isn't a reflection of what they feel for their partners. IT doesn't mean you're NOT good enough for them...It just means that they have eyes, a brain and look.

 

You keep on making it about YOU. This is your own insecurity that is speaking out, it's not really rational thinking. A guy isn't or a woman isn't a shallow person or a jerk for noticing other beautiful women or a goodlooking man. IT IS NOT A REFLECTION of YOU. So please stop putting yourself down...Get some therapy and work on your self confidence. Learn how men's minds work and understand that fantasy is just that...Has nothing to do with reality and what's infront of you.

[cutegirl]

This is going to sound real mean but I'm going to come out and say it, in my opinion only and only mine, I think you need HELP. I'm serious. You have a very demented and albeit distorted way of looking at things. No amount of trying to talk to you in a straight way is going to help and it's like beating your head into the ground. This is of course my opinion, but since no one else has said this I do indeed think you need HELP.

 

Yea, I agree she's a bit demented, it's not that bad though, cause most people are demented in some way. I have lots of friends who are a bit demented and think the same way she does so I can relate. I am probably also demented in some ways... but I gotta agree with the demented part a bit.

[rainfall]

I second this, respectfully...

 

Once again, NOONE can control another persons thoughts or ask them what to think about and what not to think about.

 

This has been one of the most interesting, yet frustrating threads I've seen in a long time. So many views, most can see both sides, but there are afew who just don't get it. *shakes head...*

 

 

 

What you STILL don't get is this...A man noticing or even checking out another woman has NOTHING to do with you. PERIOD. END OF STORY. It is just how the MALE BRAIN functions. IT IS INSTINCTUAL. A man who is married, a man who is in a relationship, a man who is gay and in a relationship or married (to another guy) will STILL fantasize about other people. IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD and it isn't a reflection of what they feel for their partners. IT doesn't mean you're NOT good enough for them...It just means that they have eyes, a brain and look.

 

You keep on making it about YOU. This is your own insecurity that is speaking out, it's not really rational thinking. A guy isn't or a woman isn't a shallow person or a jerk for noticing other beautiful women or a goodlooking man. IT IS NOT A REFLECTION of YOU. So please stop putting yourself down...Get some therapy and work on your self confidence. Learn how men's minds work and understand that fantasy is just that...Has nothing to do with reality and what's infront of you.

 

It is about me. If he prefers to think about another women instead of me then how is it not about me. I don't turn him down for sex so that can't be the reason. As for the self confidence thing...... I think I look very good. The only thing I wish I could change is my small boobs but I don't have 5000 dollars for a boob job so I can't do anything.

 

I really think people who are ok being in a relationship with someone who would rather be with someone esle needs help. They are ok knowing that their SO is wishing they could have others and is just settling for them.

 

Why is it so bad that I feel that I deserve to be with someone who loves me and wants me and not 5000 other chicks? It is disgusting to think that last time we had sex he was thinking of some chick from tv and not me. It would seriously break my heart to know that he was wishing I was someone esle.

[Jersey Shortie]

What you'll get, rather than knowledge, is deceit. If you set an impossible, impractical and (in my opinion) illogical standard for your partner - "look at me and only me, think about me and only me, fantasize about me and only me" - then he will lie to you about his compliance to keep the peace. Doesn't this "committed, monogamous relationship" you describe value honesty? You won't get it under your rules. As your SO, you would have a right to judge my words, acts and deeds. Not my thoughts or fantasies...

 

 

Please, I am sick of seeing other people being blamed for the lies and deceit another one will take to take the easy way out and get what they personally want, not caring what their partner thoughts and ideas are on the subject. You preach about how to judge someone by their words and actions and deeds, and if you are taking the action to lie to your partner to keep the peace, that is your own fault and no one else's. if you are taking the action to seek out other omen, even though *just* porn, your actions speak pretty loudly to women about just how unimportant they are to you.

 

As far as your comments about a "committed, monogamous relationship" and the value of honesty in it, from the posts written here I see just how much value a committed monogamous relationship holds for men. And apparently, the only way men can put on a farce of having a committed, monogamous relationship is to sustain it with ideas and pictures and thoughts of other women. Please tell me where the commitment and monogamy comes into play in that? Or will you avoid not answering these questions as well as you avoided the other questions I asked you. Yes, it is clear to me exactly what men's actions say. And that is what some of us are judging men for. Their dis-loyal and selfish actions.

 

No one wants to be thought police. But no one wants to love their man and in the position to be vulnerable with him only to realize he is thinking about some other woman's breasts that HE seeked out himself from some porno video.

 

You have to ask yourself what is important. And it is fairly obvious to me that what is important to men is their right to porn, screw women.

[tommyr]

Please, I am sick of seeing other people being blamed for the lies and deceit another one will take to take the easy way out and get what they personally want, not caring what their partner thoughts and ideas are on the subject. You preach about how to judge someone by their words and actions and deeds, and if you are taking the action to lie to your partner to keep the peace, that is your own fault and no one else's. if you are taking the action to seek out other omen, even though *just* porn, your actions speak pretty loudly to women about just how unimportant they are to you.

 

I would say that lying about porn use is an entirely different matter from porn use itself. In my case, I DO use porn but I do NOT lie about it: my wife generally follows the dont-ask-dont-tell policy on this. But one time she asked me about a credit card charge and I told her straight up its a porn site and that our reduced sex life has been a major factor. Boy was that a quick end to the conversation!!!!

 

Lets talk about "actions speaking louder than words about one's importance". How to describe a wife whose sex drive goes from 3X/week down to 1 or 2X /month, whose wardrobe replaces all skirts/dresses with oversized jeans, whose visual appearance (makeup/clothes) and attitude goes from "sexy wife" to "burnedout MOM", who goes from a slim runner to at least 35 pounds overweight? Its clear to me just where my sexual needs rank in importance to the wife (my last blowjob was valentine's day 2006), pretty clear encouragement for me to use porn in between our bi-weekly sex.

 

As far as your comments about a "committed, monogamous relationship" and the value of honesty in it, from the posts written here I see just how much value a committed monogamous relationship holds for men. And apparently, the only way men can put on a farce of having a committed, monogamous relationship is to sustain it with ideas and pictures and thoughts of other women. Please tell me where the commitment and monogamy comes into play in that? Or will you avoid not answering these questions as well as you avoided the other questions I asked you. Yes, it is clear to me exactly what men's actions say. And that is what some of us are judging men for. Their dis-loyal and selfish actions.

I suppose it depends on your own definition/interpretation. From dictionary.com:

 

mo·nog·a·my (mə-nŏg'ə-mē) n.

1. The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time.
   
   1. 
      
   2. The practice or condition of being married to only one person at a time.
      
   3. The practice of marrying only once in a lifetime.

It seems the generally accepted definition of monogamy does not exclude porn, masturbation, or even sexual fantasies.

 

No one wants to be thought police. But no one wants to love their man and in the position to be vulnerable with him only to realize he is thinking about some other woman's breasts that HE seeked out himself from some porno video. You have to ask yourself what is important. And it is fairly obvious to me that what is important to men is their right to porn, screw women.

Sounds like Rainfall wants to be thought police!

While with my wife (sexually) I do not think of stuff from porn. Its only in my private time. I seek out porn as masturbation material because my wife does not want sex as often as I do.

[rtHawk]

hello

was away for a few days and actually found that not focusing on some of the discussion here and doing my best NOT to think or allow it into my time with my SO, that it actually helped me a bit more relaxed and more myself (at least sexually) and not feel reserved or in doubt of myself.

 

The irony is that I do so UNDERSTAND AND EMPATHIZE withe Rain and JS and other women--

we just wish our SO could give us the same sole attentive desire as we give to them.

I wonder how many people get that and just continue to "defend" porn as some sort of neccessity of life to survive.

I get it that the men who are in relationships where the sex has been dampened eventually look for a safer and less hurtful outlet.

 

I am doing my best to somehow get it thru my head and my heart, that my SO uses it as a masturbatory crutch as someone said. We can't be together every day, and tho our weekends are wonderful and full of good stuff and good intimacy, that isn't always going to keep him calm until we are together again.

 

it just sucks, because I still dislike it and feel so replaced by it..not replaced as a whole person, but replaced in conext of a sexual partner

I KNOW I am more than he will ever see in a porn, but that also, is the confusion--how can we have such goodness between us and then he seeks out what I just consider plain ol' freak show-bad fast food version of sex.??

[norajane]

it just sucks, because I still dislike it and feel so replaced by it..not replaced as a whole person, but replaced in conext of a sexual partner

I KNOW I am more than he will ever see in a porn, but that also, is the confusion--how can we have such goodness between us and then he seeks out what I just consider plain ol' freak show-bad fast food version of sex.??

 

That's what I was trying to get at in my earlier post. He's not inflicting his plain ol' freak show-bad fast food version of sex onto you precisely because you are much more than that and he can't think of sex with you that way.

 

Sometimes, he just needs to rub one out and forget about it. He doesn't want to treat you that way, though.

 

Do you want him to feel free to just walk over to where you're sleeping and take 2 minutes to jerk over your face and then walk away? That's pretty much what he's doing with the porn, sweets.

[WhisperingWillow]

That's what I was trying to get at in my earlier post. He's not inflicting his plain ol' freak show-bad fast food version of sex onto you precisely because you are much more than that and he can't think of sex with you that way.

 

Sometimes, he just needs to rub one out and forget about it. He doesn't want to treat you that way, though.

 

Do you want him to feel free to just walk over to where you're sleeping and take 2 minutes to jerk over your face and then walk away? That's pretty much what he's doing with the porn, sweets.

 

 

Hahahahah Nora Jane. You just completely made me laugh my a$$ off. That was good. :lmao: