Men-honest:questionaire Re: Porn

[Capatinacen]

Ahhh another new recruit from the academy of MIND POLICE.

 

Good luck finding someone who will fit that bill, or rather good luck finding someone who will LIE to you about it.

 

Everyone has fantasies, most never act upon them or want them to come true, but they're still quite healthy for the soul.

 

Seriously though if most don't act upon them or want them to come true then why do it unless deep down people wish they would happen but if it can't then they will just think about it happening? That doesn't even make sense.

 

Thanks but I have no trouble finding guys who feel the same way as I do. None whats so ever. And you can say their just pulling my chain all you want because believe it or not there are guys out there who only want to think about one person, not a bunch or sit around and look at pictures. And there are guys out there that don't need to look at others, or turn to other things. Just because you don't know any doesn't mean there not out there.

 

And if you need to look at all this stuff then fine, you do that and I'm sure you have no trouble finding people who feel the same way as you do. Just be glad your not with someone who doesn't feel the same way because then there would be problems.

 

Say what you want. You can say I need therapy, or that I'm from the "mind police" or that I'm living in a dream world. I don't care because this topic is never going to be one sided.

 

Second, people in porn are not REAL people I'd ever meet or talk too.

 

So I guess that makes it ok. Gee what was I thinking.

[Mr. Lucky]

Firstly, nobdy tells me what my rights are. I decide that for myself.

Come on Carbine, lighten up. I can't start every sentence with "In my opinion".

What's the old saying? 'Behind every great man there's a woman' (and, let me just add 'as well as hundreds of porn mags, half a dozen strippers, and at least one or two secret affairs).

The great and basic fallacy underlying your assumption is that there is any connection between the first item on your list - "porn mags" - and the last item on your list - "one or two secret affairs". You know, I have idly daydreamed about killing my idiot boss several times this week. Based on your logic, I better start looking for a good defense attorney

 

Mr. Lucky

[Horse]

Thanks but I have no trouble finding guys who feel the same way as I do. None whats so ever. And you can say their just pulling my chain all you want because believe it or not there are guys out there who only want to think about one person, not a bunch or sit around and look at pictures. And there are guys out there that don't need to look at others, or turn to other things. Just because you don't know any doesn't mean there not out there.

 

And if you need to look at all this stuff then fine, you do that and I'm sure you have no trouble finding people who feel the same way as you do. Just be glad your not with someone who doesn't feel the same way because then there would be problems.

 

I think this is all that matters. If everyone is honest and up front about what they expect, then nobody should have a problem, other than finding someone who is compatible.

 

If there is no problem, then there is no reason for anyone to go to therapy. It just seems like some of the women on here are pretty upset about their partners porn use. IMO, there are only two options: Find a way to deal with it, or find someone else.

 

I have seen many examples where the husband and wife can't agree on this, and I usually feel bad for both of them. The wife feels like she can't trust her husband, and the husband is treated like child, constantly questioned and has every move tracked. The guy I know gets about 50 calls/messages a day, usually checking up on him. His wife is now talking about installing a keylogger and undelete software, so she can see what he was looking at last week.

 

I'm glad I have a wife that I can be open with about stuff like this. I couldn't live like that.

 

 

I have a question for the women who are having a problem with their guy looking at porn:

 

How did you get into this situation? Did your guy lie and say he would never look at porn, or did you not think you would have a problem with it, until you were together for a while. I would think that this is something that would have come up before you entered a serious committed relationship. I would also think, if this is so important to you, that it would have been a deal breaker from the beginning.

[Guest]

horse

 

My situation came about after months of a husband who would ignore me all evening as he stared at the tv but would come bounding into bed with a hardon expecting service. After one such session I went into our living room to discover porn displayed on the computer monitor.Some discussion turned up the fact that the man was looking at porn in order to work up an erection,coming in and waking me up and basically using me like some sort of human kleenex.He also repeated messed up computers on our lan with trojans/viruses,I'd go to fix them and always,always,always,the cause was careless surfing for porn.

 

Sex basically seldom had anything to do with me or with any real desire/lust for me. It was pretty clear that the man loved naked women,all things sexual,as long as they didn't involve me.I was simply too old for his tastes.

 

I had no desire to spy on the man or turn into some sort of thought police nazi.Months of talking,trying to ferret out other relationship issues did little,our sexual life grew so ackward that the mere thought of him touching me made me cringe with shame and sadness.I finally decided it was enough of a deal breaker to simply divorce him.I pay hefty alimony and will be taking a second job to meet my expenses but imho it was worth it to be rid of him.

 

I think if a couple is to the point where there's talk of installing keyloggers and such that the marriage is all over except for the crying and such couples are merely prolonging the inevitable and making the eventual divorce much more painful for themselves.

[rainfall]

One, it's not the people in the porn, but that ACT that arouses me (And just about everyone I know says the same thing). Second, people in porn are not REAL people I'd ever meet or talk too.

 

That's how.

 

There is no act in playboy, so what arouses you there.......

[rtHawk]

How did you get into this situation? Did your guy lie and say he would never look at porn, or did you not think you would have a problem with it, until you were together for a while. I would think that this is something that would have come up before you entered a serious committed relationship. I would also think, if this is so important to you, that it would have been a deal breaker from the beginning.

 

for me; here's the most painful part--

I entered into the R knowing it was a part of his life's repitoire... it wasn't too obvious or intrusive thanfully... (MY ex never watched--"didn't need to" so I wan't really exposed to it.

skip ahead a few years....new SO...we jhave a long dist relationship ( yes I know I can't always be there for him and for me) he wants to watch with me once n awhile.. well... now I have something to compare myself with wher I really didn't before... all new?? and feelings about my body, my sensualty, me as a woman, how he views me, etc blah blah... yup...it down rite thru me for a loop...

we sort of worked on that ..he tried to reassure me..ok, I bit but only a little and just tried to deal

skip ahead again--he cheated on me 2 yr. ago. and as a result of that I now have herpes...

somehow... I don't know how, we have managed to work it out and have become stronger as a couple (except for the porn for me)

I now feel that I am always in some way being cheated on again and am always reminded that I get older and they do not, I have herpes and they do not and I for one love and give my heart to this man and they do not (thankfully) and I so wish he could just get that and understand how damaging all of this for me.

I have tried to talk more, but he backs off--too much drama, we have tried to work your issues out etc etc. and then I back off not wanting to be too dramatic and ruin hte good stuff we actually do share.

I feel like I am crumbling on the inside sometimes and it really isn't good.

 

truthfully, I have "borrowed" a couple of his dvds to see what it is that is so much better than me(stuff he had tried to watch w/me--but I jsut can't--I always think he needs it to be wit me and so I ask him not to do so anymore)..and truthfully,,,, maybe the boobs are bigger and maybe the crotch is tiny/pinker..... i don't know if that is that important.really.

but I am in good shape, active athletic and can say I feel I have some wonderful female qualities to offer and share with him....I am real and what I offer and share with him is from what i could tell ALOT better than what they do.

so it is really difficult for me.

the guys here have been great becuase event tho I still see porn as a sort of indescretion, i at least have gotten more insight and better understanding about how porn does/doesn't effect your R with your SO.

 

basically, like Rain ..I love this man, we have a wonderful rltnship..THIS is my only real issue/problem and dilemma.

[Capatinacen]

I think this is all that matters. If everyone is honest and up front about what they expect, then nobody should have a problem, other than finding someone who is compatible.

 

If there is no problem, then there is no reason for anyone to go to therapy. It just seems like some of the women on here are pretty upset about their partners porn use. IMO, there are only two options: Find a way to deal with it, or find someone else.

 

I agree.

 

I have a question for the women who are having a problem with their guy looking at porn:

 

How did you get into this situation? Did your guy lie and say he would never look at porn, or did you not think you would have a problem with it, until you were together for a while. I would think that this is something that would have come up before you entered a serious committed relationship. I would also think, if this is so important to you, that it would have been a deal breaker from the beginning.

 

Well for me I don't get into a situation like that because it is a deal breaker from the beginning.

 

I usually find someone who has the same morals, values, etc...so it falls into place. Sure I talk about it but I don't start laying out rules and whatnot. I don't have to. If they have to look at that stuff then their gone IMO because it can lead to other things and both of us like have to like the idea of being the only ones in the relationship and not having to use outside things or people.

 

Plus it's a huge turn on when the guy himself says that he finds porn to be unnecessary and doesn't need it himself.

[Jeffrey]

I don't do magazines or any other printed form of porn, nor did I ever say I did. Feeling a little snarky are we?

 

There is no act in playboy, so what arouses you there.......

[rainfall]

I don't do magazines or any other printed form of porn, nor did I ever say I did. Feeling a little snarky are we?

 

Well the question wasn't just directed at you. It was directed at everyone who says it is the act in porn not the people.

[whichwayisup]

It was directed at everyone who says it is the act in porn not the people

.

 

I'm sure for some it's the action and for others it's the people in the act, or a combo of both, depending on the frame of mind at the time.

[michelangelo]

but strictly on a fantasy basis.

 

Maybe I admire the sensuality of the scene or the raw passion, or could imagine how it would be, or whatnot.

 

But when it is over, it is over, verdad? It's not real.

[rble618740]

1. I'm really enjoying this discussion. I don' t like that some people seem to be hitting below the belt but that, to me, just shows how emotional this issue can be.

 

2. Maybe we're focusing on the details a little much. It seems that, for some, this issue has moved past the isolated issue of porn and into the realm of women exerting (wanting) to exert control over their man's actions. In my experience as a wife, this is the quickest way to move from a discussion about an isolated problem to my husband feeling as if he has to defend his right to be independent. That battle is a bear compared to porn.

 

3. I, generally, don't like certain kinds of porn. I make some possibly illogical distinctions between internet porn (which hits a little close to home) and paper/movies. I also don't like strip clubs. As far as approach goes, telling my husband that - whether he understands it or not - these things effect our interactions in a negative way has resolved a lot of the problem for us. In our discussions, I've taken responsibility for how I feel (even if he doesn't understand it). Likewise, I have acknowledged not understanding his feelings about porn and acknowledged that -ultimately - I have no control over his actions. He was receptive to how I felt and has responded accordingly.

 

4. Couldn't this just be a difference in the sexes in terms of how we view sex? The reason I don't like strip clubs (and some porn) is that I am the only person in the world that gets to gratify my husband. I cherish that role. I have NEVER rejected his sexual advances. I consider my sexual relationship with him a critical bond between us. So...when he pays someone at a strip club to get naked or when he seeks out someone else's image for sexual gratification - it cheapens something that is very special to me. I don't want to control his thoughts. I am not insecure about myself. I don't think he's going to cheat on me. It is quite simply a blow to a part of our relationship that I cherish and think is sacred. Neither of us can help it if he thinks of someone else - but I don't ask him about that. I don't want to know. He doesn't have control over his thoughts and I sure don't want control over his thoughts.

 

5. Would men still defend porn if it wasn't so much an independence issue?

 

6. One last thought - and I know I've been unorganized but I had several things to say - my husband has told me before that the MORE we have sex, the more he desires it So...he's more likely to go looking for porn when I'm not home and we've been having sex every day. That, coupled with some of the statements on here that guys go lookin' for porn when they aren't being fulfilled by their SO, makes it look a little like a no-win situation for women. Also - I'm curious as to how many guys who fill gaps in their sex life have actually had a heart-to-heart with their significant other about the gap. I'm not in a position to judge someone else's marriage, by any means, but it seems that if there's a need to be addressed - trying to resolve it directly with your partner should be the first place to start. I totally understand, however, that any woman who refuses her husband regularly over a period of time is an accomplice in making her marriage vulnerable. I'll probably get skewered for that but, come on ladies, if you haven't had sex with your husband in years - you have to know you're weakening your relationship and making him more susceptible to temptation (which he has an obligation to resist).

[rtHawk]

3. I, generally, don't like certain kinds of porn. I make some possibly illogical distinctions between internet porn (which hits a little close to home) and paper/movies. I also don't like strip clubs. As far as approach goes, telling my husband that - whether he understands it or not - these things effect our interactions in a negative way has resolved a lot of the problem for us. In our discussions, I've taken responsibility for how I feel (even if he doesn't understand it). Likewise, I have acknowledged not understanding his feelings about porn and acknowledged that -ultimately - I have no control over his actions. He was receptive to how I felt and has responded accordingly.

 

4. Couldn't this just be a difference in the sexes in terms of how we view sex? The reason I don't like strip clubs (and some porn) is that I am the only person in the world that gets to gratify my husband. I cherish that role. I have NEVER rejected his sexual advances. I consider my sexual relationship with him a critical bond between us. So...when he pays someone at a strip club to get naked or when he seeks out someone else's image for sexual gratification - it cheapens something that is very special to me. I don't want to control his thoughts. I am not insecure about myself. I don't think he's going to cheat on me. It is quite simply a blow to a part of our relationship that I cherish and think is sacred. Neither of us can help it if he thinks of someone else - but I don't ask him about that. I don't want to know. He doesn't have control over his thoughts and I sure don't want control over his thoughts.

 

RBL...

#3...love that and really found that to be just the medicine I need... most empowering... responsibility for oneself and understanding go along way!!!!!!!!!

 

#4. YOu took the words right out of my mouth!!!!!!!!!

[Carbine]

One, it's not the people in the porn, but that ACT that arouses me (And just about everyone I know says the same thing). Second, people in porn are not REAL people I'd ever meet or talk too.

 

That's how.

 

Well, why are the porn models almost always beautiful? So basically what you're saying is that it's just the act that arouses you? Are you willing to say that the looks of the actresses have nothing to do whatsoever with your arousal??

 

Personally speaking, I don't get intimidated by the specific actress/model in the porn. Its their features that bothers me - physical features that arouse my SO. No, my SO may not be lucky enough to cross paths with Jenna Jamieson (or whatever her name is) but he can still get aroused and pay attention to women with good bodies, blonde hair and pretty faces. That's what bothers me.

 

Come on Carbine, lighten up. I can't start every sentence with "In my opinion".

 

Sorry. I wasn't implying that you had the right to tell me what to think. I was referring to people in general as well as my SO.

 

The great and basic fallacy underlying your assumption is that there is any connection between the first item on your list - "porn mags" - and the last item on your list - "one or two secret affairs". You know, I have idly daydreamed about killing my idiot boss several times this week. Based on your logic, I better start looking for a good defense attorney

 

There is a connection - i.e. a man's sexuality (his prowess and performance). From what I've experienced (especially with my SO) men need to exert their sexuality, sometimes in an almost primal way, to feel like a real man. Otherwise their performance in general suffers.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is a connection - i.e. a man's sexuality (his prowess and performance). From what I've experienced (especially with my SO) men need to exert their sexuality, sometimes in an almost primal way, to feel like a real man. Otherwise their performance in general suffers.

If men do indeed have that need (and I agree they do), what does a man with a non-responsive or low-libido spouse do? How does he express his "primal" self?

 

Mr. Lucky

[rainfall]

If men do indeed have that need (and I agree they do), what does a man with a non-responsive or low-libido spouse do? How does he express his "primal" self?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well if men have that need and they have a partner who loves sex and 99.99% of the time will not turn then down then why do they need to turn to porn? Why can't he express his "primal" self with her.

[michelangelo]

Since the answer was obvious, why not just answer with a question?

[IpAncA]

Well if men have that need and they have a partner who loves sex and 99.99% of the time will not turn then down then why do they need to turn to porn? Why can't he express his "primal" self with her.

I think he's talking about ones that don't get hardly any to none.

[rainfall]

I think he's talking about ones that don't get hardly any to none.

 

I know that, but I was wondering why when I man gets sex all the time from his partner he needs porn.

[IpAncA]

I know that, but I was wondering why when I man gets sex all the time from his partner he needs porn.

I think a couple of people mentioned on here that they would need it less but then again some have great sex lives and still do it.

 

It just comes down to finding someone who feels the same way as you do. Then there would be no problem and if you found someone like that then great. Less for you to worry about.

[norajane]

I know that, but I was wondering why when I man gets sex all the time from his partner he needs porn.

 

Already asked (many times) and answered (many times).

 

Sex and masturbation aren't the same thing AT ALL.

[rainfall]

Already asked (many times) and answered (many times).

 

Sex and masturbation aren't the same thing AT ALL.

 

Well then why can't he masturbate to pictures of his SO and porn they have made together.

[norajane]

Well then why can't he masturbate to pictures of his SO and porn they have made together.

 

Who says he can't? They many need to keep taking more and more and more pictures, and making more and more videos, and getting more creative with them because the novelty does wear off.

[IpAncA]

Rainfall are you talking about ONLY?

 

What about the ones women that won't?

[rainfall]

Rainfall are you talking about ONLY?

 

What about the ones women that won't?

 

Yes I am only referring to me. For the most part all my replies have been only to me. I can *kind of* understand why a man would use porn if his SO refused to have sex with him and/or gained 50 pounds and lost all pride in her apperance.

 

However when that is not the case I can even try to understand why he would nned porn.