Mr. Lucky Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 1) I do NOT think about having sex with the porn stars. They are just pictures, images. But by using their picture or image to help you achieve orgasm, aren't you establishing some kind of sexual connection with them? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
new_stella Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 So me question is this - If a wife or GF's shared intimacy is satisfying, why would she care about her partner's separate fantasies? More bluntly, assuming a healthy marital sex life, why is the idea of your man whacking it on occasion to some some porn star such a threat and deal-killer to many women here? Mr. Lucky My answer is probably incomplete and not entirely rational , but here it is: Because it shows his real taste in women (mostly: half his age and with perfect bodies) If/when he can choose, that’s what he is choosing. The message it sends is that he just settles for me because of my other qualities, but would rather be with someone better looking.I want to be very special to him, and in this way he makes me feel like I’m just one of many women he desires, furthermore, some are more desirable than me b/c they look better.I personally don’t respect those porn women, to say the least, and I can’t help but find his looking degrading, not only to me, but also to him and to our relationship as well.It looks like an ongoing and important part of our relationship is him resisting the temptation from other women (must be hard!)About the fantasies, I think that sharing fantasies can be quite an erotic thing and can do a lot for your sex life. It’s great that you don’t feel threatened, but you may be missing something there... Link to post Share on other sites
new_stella Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 2) Unless your husband has nude pictures of you, then its really NOT just as easy to replace porn with you. Although I understand your point, at least at some level, the question that comes to mind is: It’s not easy to replace porn with us, but it is very easy (even natural) to replace us with porn? So basically, it doesn’t matter who’s on those nude pictures, anyone decent looking will do? Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 They think it's a betrayal. You take females like Carbine, and I'm not saying she is bad either, but a lot of females are the way she is. It's a security thing. Some women think that just because their man is involved with them in a loving and healthy relationship that she is all he should see and lust after, that he is blind to all outside women and she should be the end all and be all for him. That's the problem right there. I'm in a loving relationship as is my boyfriend and we are not blind and do look at other people, albeit sometimes together. It's all about security with yourself and confidence. Confidence is a sexy thing. I know someone else who is like that too. She actually see's it as cheating and thinks that he would rather be with those other good looking airbrush women then her. I've tryed talking with her about it but she just won't budge. Thats why I do think it's important that if a guy whos a porn regular ends up with someone like that, they talk about it and take their partners feelings into consideration. Otherwise it's going to led to some major problems. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Rainfall, thanks for your answer. Do you feel that it is important to know what your partner's masturbation fantasies are? Am I ignorant or naive in not caring what she thinks during those private times? Mr. Lucky Yes I find it important to know what his fantasies are. If they aren't about me I want to know because in some way I view that to mean I am not enough for him. I want to know if it because of something I can work on to make myself better or if it is just because he is a shallow jerk and only cares about looks. No you are not naive. Everyone has different views on this and if you are OK with it then that is fine for you. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 As a frequent porn user myself, I see 2 flaws in your logic: 1) I do NOT think about having sex with the porn stars. They are just pictures, images. 2) Unless your husband has nude pictures of you, then its really NOT just as easy to replace porn with you. 1. Then why not imagine your SO and masturbate to that.... 2. Well first of all he does and if he chooses to masturbate to porn rather then have sex with me then yes he is choosing the porn over me. Link to post Share on other sites
WhisperingWillow Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 1. Then why not imagine your SO and masturbate to that.... 2. Well first of all he does and if he chooses to masturbate to porn rather then have sex with me then yes he is choosing the porn over me. For men. Men are very visual creatures and I'm not making up excuses for them but they're lazy. Sorry you men, you knew that was coming, but back to the matter at hand. Rainfall, no offense but his fantasies are private. Just like yours. Unless of course you two want to act out some of your fantasies then sharing is great. I can tell you here and now that my boyfriend nor any guy I've been with hasn't had a problem with me fantasizing about other women while masturbating or about other men. To me it's a fantasy and nothing else and does not mean that my SO is not enough for me. It's a FANTASY, meaning not real, meaning that it is in lust only. Now for people that can't draw the line between reality and fantasy there in lies a problem. I don't ask my SO about his fantasies and it isn't because I'd become some jealous monster, it's because those are private and if he chooses to share them then I'm willing to listen and indulge with him without becoming some prodding poking monster and getting all mad and berating him for having fantasies. That leads to secrecy and secrecy is not tolerated by me. Everyone has a threshold but remember when you berate your guy for something he is more than likely going to tell you a lie about what he fantasizes about just so he doesn't have to upset you and cause a major upset to himself by making you angry and having you lash out at him. Again INSECURITY, is as at play. What are you so scared of? Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Yes I find it important to know what his fantasies are. If they aren't about me I want to know because in some way I view that to mean I am not enough for him. I want to know if it because of something I can work on to make myself better or if it is just because he is a shallow jerk and only cares about looks. No you are not naive. Everyone has different views on this and if you are OK with it then that is fine for you. No offense or anything but if I was him and I knew that you felt like this, I would probably just lie to you and say that I always think of you. That way you'd be happy and so would I. Now if I asked my H, trust me he knows better then to tell me that he has fantasies of having sex with some young hot blond. I know what he looks at but as long as he doesn't act on those fantasies or chooses porn over me, then I'll get by. But anyhow I don't know if your with anyone right now but if you are have you talked to him? I mean, does he really know how you feel about porn and fantasies? O! I thought of one more thing here. If these fantasies are not real then would guys have a problem with it if female fantasies were guys they knew? Even though it's not real and they don't act on them, I was just wondering if that would still be ok? Link to post Share on other sites
CarolAnne Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Demanding that someone fantasize about you IMHO is really crossing the line into THOUGHT POLICE land. For serious. I can kind of understand how porn might be interpreted as a betrayal of loyalty - would I have a problem if my bf got down on his knees behind a girl wearing a skirt and looked right up between her legs? Hell yes and that is essentially what porn is, a camera going right up between a strangers legs But it's not the same because porn people aren't real, you have never met them and never will. It's just a story, a movie with characters. And its educational! You can learn new ways to do things Also there is something for everyone, if you feel threatened by generic airbrushed girl porn then get older people porn or theme porn that has stories that you have dreamed of. I mean honestly if you've thought it, its probably already been made into a movie. Though one thing I've noticed is that a lot of the anti-porn people claim to exclusively fantasize about their SO, and expect the same in return, and I have to say I'm just curious about how honest you are about that. Some of my fantasies don't even involve people, like monsters and being trapped in a cave, or situations rather than the people involved, like being seduced by the horny professor who really isn't anyone in particular. And things like knowing that you've made someone else happy with no question, that they want you more than anything even though it's wrong, visual emotions. So if my bf said he exclusively fantasised about me and I had to only fantasize about him I'd get pretty mad/ freaked at his weirdo attempt to monitor my thoughts. Mostly because I wouldn't believe that he only fantasized about me anyway. I don't believe anyone here (women included) is imagining their SO 100% of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
tommyr Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 1. Then why not imagine your SO and masturbate to that.... Image what about my SO? I already said my porn use does not involve fantasies of sex: its just pictures of naked ladies. How does fantasizing about my SO replace the visual stimulation of porn? 2. Well first of all he does and if he chooses to masturbate to porn rather then have sex with me then yes he is choosing the porn over me. Lucky him (I have no such pictures) and my porn use is entirely my WIFE's choice as she only want sex twice per month. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Lucky him (I have no such pictures) and my porn use is entirely my WIFE's choice as she only want sex twice per month. Have you talked to her about this or are you fine with the way things are? Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Though one thing I've noticed is that a lot of the anti-porn people claim to exclusively fantasize about their SO, and expect the same in return, and I have to say I'm just curious about how honest you are about that. Some of my fantasies don't even involve people, like monsters and being trapped in a cave, or situations rather than the people involved, like being seduced by the horny professor who really isn't anyone in particular. And things like knowing that you've made someone else happy with no question, that they want you more than anything even though it's wrong, visual emotions. So if my bf said he exclusively fantasised about me and I had to only fantasize about him I'd get pretty mad/ freaked at his weirdo attempt to monitor my thoughts. Mostly because I wouldn't believe that he only fantasized about me anyway. I don't believe anyone here (women included) is imagining their SO 100% of the time. Well you don't have to believe me. It doesn't bother me. However I don't fantasize about anyone besides my SO. I have never needed to. If he has a fantasy about sleeping with other women I'm sorry but that is hurtful. Your SO should be enough for you and if you don't agree I really don't care. To the person who asked if I am with someone, Yes I am. We've been together for 6 years and he knows how I feel about porn and the women in them. My opinon of the women in porn is pretty bad so for me to think he is thinking of them really makes me mad. Link to post Share on other sites
CarolAnne Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 It doesn't matter, no one will ever know for sure except you. Question to guys: say you are getting busy with your gf, you are making a big effort at foreplay and she seems really really into it, then all of a sudden she screams "Oh James you're amazing!" and your name isn't James. So you ask who James is and she says he's an actor from a show who plays a rich lawyer who is so handsome and so rich and so perfect, and he is even well hung and a gentleman and the most amazing lover, Would you think to yourself: 1. I suddenly feel slightly invisible, I thought she was into my great romantic effort at foreplay but no, she was pretending I am a different, better guy that's why it was good for her 2. that's okay honey, he's just an actor so I don't care 3. what a coincidence, I was pretending you were kendra jade 4. some other thought Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 The reason I care is I find it VERY hurtful that he has to think about having sex with someone esle. I do not have fantasies about George Clooney, Brad Pitt, or anyone esle besides my boyfriend. I feel when you have to think about someone esle during you fantasies that you aren't with the right person. The idea of my man whacking to some pron star is hurtful because I feel he can just as easily whack off to me. If he chooses to use some porn star then he is choosing her over me and that is wrong. But it's not up to YOU to decide what fantasy thoughts fill up your boyfriends head. You cannot control that nor do you have a right to. Private thoughts are meant to be just that!! And it's something noone has a right to ask you, but if they do, be prepare for the answers! It's a loaded question, to be honest...Some things are better left unsaid and left alone. Fantasy and private thoughts are one of those things so if you feel threatened by them, you need help. Sorry to sound blunt. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 WWIU: I totally agree with you on this...how can someone even begin to think that they can control what goes on is someone else's mind? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 WWIU: I totally agree with you on this...how can someone even begin to think that they can control what goes on is someone else's mind? I haven't a clue. TO be honest I don't wanna know wtf goes through my husbands head when he jerks off without me. Whatever turns him on and gets him there is cool with me. I don't ask and he doesn't tell - That's the best policy. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 But it's not up to YOU to decide what fantasy thoughts fill up your boyfriends head. You cannot control that nor do you have a right to. Private thoughts are meant to be just that!! And it's something noone has a right to ask you, but if they do, be prepare for the answers! It's a loaded question, to be honest...Some things are better left unsaid and left alone. Fantasy and private thoughts are one of those things so if you feel threatened by them, you need help. Sorry to sound blunt. No but it IS up to me to decide what I find to be ok in MY relationship. Him pretending that I am some other chick when we have sex is not ok. Him closing his eyes while he masturbates and thinks of some other chick is not ok. If you are ok with the fact that your SO wants to sleep with other people you need help. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Do you really think that your BF would tell you in the first place? It's private and not your business...it's a FANTASY not REALITY... Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Do you really think that your BF would tell you in the first place? It's private and not your business...it's a FANTASY not REALITY... If he has to have a FANTASY then his REALITY isn't good enough for him. I have told him the second he thinks anout sleeping with other women to please break up with me because I don't want to be with anyone who has to "settle" for me. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 EVERYBODY has fantasies...quite frankly your thought process on this is only going to alienate your BF and damage your R...YOU can't tell someone what to think or what not to think...and if he truly loves you he's going to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear...is that what you would prefer? Better to have him be honest and YOU TWO can act out your fantasies, together... Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 EVERYBODY has fantasies...quite frankly your thought process on this is only going to alienate your BF and damage your R...YOU can't tell someone what to think or what not to think...and if he truly loves you he's going to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear...is that what you would prefer? Better to have him be honest and YOU TWO can act out your fantasies, together... If he truly loves me he will not be thinking about other women in the first place. I DO NOT HAVE FANTASIES. I only think about my boyfriend. I have no desire to sleep with anyone esle besides him. If I ever do I will break up with him. Why exactly would I want to act out a fantasy of him being with someone esle. That is pretty twisted. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 You can find some of the most beautiful women you've ever seen in the horniest of situations. When I view it I imagine I am the one giving them the orgasm. Sometimes you only view a woman for a particular body part that may turn you on. Other times it's the whole package. The way I see it, it's merely a safe way of living out fantasies of being with all types of women that turn you on who you otherwise couldn't be with in real life. I've been married for 20 years and my wife doesn't care about sex anymore or would do the things you see these women doing on the internet. If wives would be as horny and wild as the women on the internet, men like myself wouldn't need a reason to run to the computer to get their jollies. I wanted to say that this is just silly. Those women are doing a job.....who can actually say THEY have sex more then 2 x month. Maybe they make one-two movie a month. Then they would have the same sex drive as your wife. The only difference is they pretend to be that horny, they are actors! The better they pretend the more demand for them! I like how you said fantasy.....hello....do you thik that is their reality. That all they are programed to do it have sex 10 time a day. No...they go to work and then they go home. If you appreciated your wife she might help you with your "jollies" but when you force high expectation on your wife...well....of course she is not going to be interested. She, unlike them, is not programed to be a sex machine...it is not her job! Her LIFE is to love you and be loved by you with out having high expectations thrust upon her. Most wonen could not honestly live up to those standards. Maybe she is sufferring from a female version of emotional impotence. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 If he truly loves me he will not be thinking about other women in the first place. I DO NOT HAVE FANTASIES. I only think about my boyfriend. I have no desire to sleep with anyone esle besides him. If I ever do I will break up with him. Why exactly would I want to act out a fantasy of him being with someone esle. That is pretty twisted. You must be very young, you totally misunderstood what I was saying...a fantasy doesn't have to be featuring anyone in particular, just something you want to do... Best of luck to your BF... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Him pretending that I am some other chick when we have sex is not ok. Him closing his eyes while he masturbates and thinks of some other chick is not ok. Just out of curiosity, how do you enforce those rules ? Link to post Share on other sites
CarolAnne Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Thought Police Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts