Jealousy/insecure about past

[sungrl]

Does anyone go through this?

 

I have to admit...i hate to think about my b/f's past. I think about what wild girls he might have slept with, how i compare, and why would he want to stay(i was a virgin so he was my first). Obviously, this brings up insecurity issues like am i doing this well or how do i live up to these girls who had more experience. I once said what if i slept with like 20 guys, that wouldnt have bothered you? He said if you did, you did..nothing i can do about it. It made me feel like he doesnt even respect the fact or think its some great thing i didn't sleep around before him. It made me feel like that if a girl had many partners its no big deal. It makes me think of how do guys pass up other opportunities when it comes there way. Everywhere you turn to it pretty much says guys cant say no and think with the little head and not the big one.

 

Then when he has mentioned things he has gone to..like say this skating ring and i ask who he went with years ago and he says a girl...i get jealous..i try not to show it though. But i do..i think..now that i asked who, he is thinking of her or how she looked.. and it makes me mad. I can't help thinking how these girls must have lived close to him and wonder if he still sees them..or the restaurants we go to..how he probably went there with other girls..i dont know how to get rid of these feelings and i really want to be more confident with this issue. Or he mentioned skiing and that he stayed at this b&b and i asked oh and who was this with..and he says i was with my g/f...it just makes me feel horrible..we never spent a weekend at a b&b..he never even initiated a weekend away unless i bring up something.

 

And another thing..my b/f does not have pics at his place of past girls..but he has things there from girls..such as novelty items(books, collector knives etc) and obviously if i didn't ask i wouldnt know..but i would and he would say a girl from years ago, not important. I know its not pictures but i hate seeing it there knowing some other girl gave it to him and they slept together...he said, what am i supposed to do--throw the books and items out? One book i went through and then on the inside it says i love you..it bothered the hell out of me..but its not like its a pic of the girl, its a collectors item. He said she wrote it but it was never said..he never said it to her. He said love written down is different from saying it.

 

Does anyone go through this? Should i be feeling this way? Help on getting better..what can i do to not care about these girls in his past or how he probably thinks of them from time to time. It makes me sad.

[Carbine]

Obviously, this brings up insecurity issues like am i doing this well or how do i live up to these girls who had more experience. I once said what if i slept with like 20 guys, that wouldnt have bothered you? He said if you did, you did..nothing i can do about it. It made me feel like he doesnt even respect the fact or think its some great thing i didn't sleep around before him. It made me feel like that if a girl had many partners its no big deal.

 

Hey Sungrl...I think you might be freaking out a bit here. Firstly, your bf doesn't expect you to be as good in the sack as some girl with years more experience! No guy in his right mind would expect that of someone. Allow yourself to be guided by him and try and accept that fact that he probably thinks you have a fair bit of potential as far as sex goes. Just because you're inexperienced now, doesn't mean you can't become an absolute freak in bed down the track! (I mean 'freak' in a good way!!). It just takes practice and lots of experimenting.

 

Secondly, in regards to the '20 sex partners' thing, he probably doesn't care to discuss it simply because it's not an issue! He most likely doesn't see any point debating 'what if's' until the cows come home. He's living in the here and now, and good on him for doing so.

 

I guess my experiences are kind of similiar to what you're going through. I was 24 when I met my first bf, and very much a virgin. He was quite open with me as to his past experience with girls. Although he hadn't had a lot of girlfriends, his last one that he was with for 2 years was apparently a total freak in the sack. Well, to put it nicely, this chick was a slut, had slept around since she was 14, and was an extremely extremely good f***. It didn't really worry me that much, because we both knew i had a s***load of potential as a sexual partner, and I was willing to learn from him. And he was more than happy to teach me! . On the odd occasion, i'd ask him "am I as good as Vanessa was?" and he'd be honest that she was better, but would remind me that she had sooo much more experience than me that it was to be expected.

 

I also asked him a few times how he felt about me being a virgin when we met. Well, he loves it, but finds it difficult to put this into words. I don't push the discussion too much because it's pointless. As long as we're both content with my past sexual experience (or lack of!) then that's all that matters.

[norajane]

Obviously, this brings up insecurity issues like am i doing this well or how do i live up to these girls who had more experience.

 

Focus on whether he is giving you pleasure - is he? because he should be! - and whether you are giving him pleasure. If he enjoys having sex with you, his past experiences ARE irrelevant. He'd still be with those girls from his past if he wanted to be, but he isn't.

 

I once said what if i slept with like 20 guys, that wouldnt have bothered you? He said if you did, you did..nothing i can do about it.

He's right.

 

It made me feel like he doesnt even respect the fact or think its some great thing i didn't sleep around before him.

Not everyone looks at sexual experience the same way. I'm sure he respects you for who you are, but it might not have anything to do with your sexual history. Lots of people don't consider virginity a "prize" or a "gift" or whatever. And lots of people don't look down on others who have had more extensive sexual experience. You wouldn't want anyone looking down on you for not being a virgin anymore, right?

 

It made me feel like that if a girl had many partners its no big deal.

It isn't. It's no more a big deal than if a guy had many sexual partners. It doesn't make her a bad person. She can still be a kind, warm, generous, loving, funny, compassionate, intelligent, etc. woman even though she chose to share physical intimacy with multiple partners.

 

It makes me think of how do guys pass up other opportunities when it comes there way. Everywhere you turn to it pretty much says guys cant say no and think with the little head and not the big one.

Guys aren't brain dead. They can certainly think for themselves and remain monogomous. You're selling men short if you think they all f*ck around at the drop of a hat.

 

As for the rest, you can't expect him to erase all traces of his past from his memory, nor from his life. His past is what has made him who he is today. I'm sure you went to skating parties and whatnot with other people even though you didn't have sex with them. He's not your first boyfriend as well as your first lover, is he? Do you really waste any of your time thinking about your past boyfriends? Do you wish you were with them? Probably not, or you would be with one of them instead of with him.

 

Don't let your anxieties ruin your relationship. It really IS all in your head, so you have the power to change your thoughts and focus on the present rather than his past.

[Guest]

I go through the axcat same thing with my boyfriend...the excat same thing...although ive gotte to the point where i actually tried to find and contact his ex girlfriends to find out more and it made me so mad....

Does anyone go through this?

 

I have to admit...i hate to think about my b/f's past. I think about what wild girls he might have slept with, how i compare, and why would he want to stay(i was a virgin so he was my first). Obviously, this brings up insecurity issues like am i doing this well or how do i live up to these girls who had more experience. I once said what if i slept with like 20 guys, that wouldnt have bothered you? He said if you did, you did..nothing i can do about it. It made me feel like he doesnt even respect the fact or think its some great thing i didn't sleep around before him. It made me feel like that if a girl had many partners its no big deal. It makes me think of how do guys pass up other opportunities when it comes there way. Everywhere you turn to it pretty much says guys cant say no and think with the little head and not the big one.

 

Then when he has mentioned things he has gone to..like say this skating ring and i ask who he went with years ago and he says a girl...i get jealous..i try not to show it though. But i do..i think..now that i asked who, he is thinking of her or how she looked.. and it makes me mad. I can't help thinking how these girls must have lived close to him and wonder if he still sees them..or the restaurants we go to..how he probably went there with other girls..i dont know how to get rid of these feelings and i really want to be more confident with this issue. Or he mentioned skiing and that he stayed at this b&b and i asked oh and who was this with..and he says i was with my g/f...it just makes me feel horrible..we never spent a weekend at a b&b..he never even initiated a weekend away unless i bring up something.

 

And another thing..my b/f does not have pics at his place of past girls..but he has things there from girls..such as novelty items(books, collector knives etc) and obviously if i didn't ask i wouldnt know..but i would and he would say a girl from years ago, not important. I know its not pictures but i hate seeing it there knowing some other girl gave it to him and they slept together...he said, what am i supposed to do--throw the books and items out? One book i went through and then on the inside it says i love you..it bothered the hell out of me..but its not like its a pic of the girl, its a collectors item. He said she wrote it but it was never said..he never said it to her. He said love written down is different from saying it.

 

Does anyone go through this? Should i be feeling this way? Help on getting better..what can i do to not care about these girls in his past or how he probably thinks of them from time to time. It makes me sad.

[IpAncA]

Okay...if he has let the past be the past then you should to. If you can't then you do need to let him go and find someone else who doesn't have such a history.

 

Everyone is going to have a past of some sort and some people have more than others.

 

I'm not trying to cut your down or anything but you really do need to let go of his past. It's the PAST, nothing more.

 

He's with you not them right and don't YOU have a past too or does that not come into play here?

[orangehose]

Sungrl,

 

It's not unusual to feel the way you do. I had similar feelings of jealousy during my first (and currently only) relationship (I hadn't dated anyone else, my partner had considerable experience). Of course, my fellow kindled the flames by claiming his last ex was his greatest love, making comparisons, etc. Your guy sounds like he's not putting you through any of that crap and is appreciating you for who you are, which is good.

 

I totally agree with what norajane is saying - it's illogical to have these feelings of jealousy. But it is definitely hard to be logical about it when you don't have experience of other people yourself, and the experience of falling OUT of love. Without experiencing multiple relationships (or sexual partners) yourself, it almost feels like infidelity that your partner has had those feelings and experiences with other people. On the other hand, if you'd had prior experiences, you might be more able to understand that you could have loved or had sex with one person in the past, but now love and have sex someone else (and that's not infidelity).

 

I know you don't think of your boyfriend as having cheated by having a past, but I guess the infidelity comparison somehow makes this sort of jealousy over the past (called retroactive jealousy on these boards) easier for me to understand...

[sungrl]

hey,

 

i recently told my b/f this was how i was feeling..not exactly in all these words. I told him--in a way--it makes me mad that you have been with all these girls and probably think about them..and i dont have that b.c i have only been with you in a sexual way. I told him--i dont have regrets..i dont wish i would have slept with more guys nor do i wish to sleep with some other guy now but it still makes me mad that you have that and i dont.

 

That he is able to make all these comparisons or remember that "one wild night" and i cant b/c i dont have that. He has NEVER been rude and said oh i used to do this with so and so. He also tells me we don't have any problems in that area.(but obviously there had to have been girls a lot more wild) He told me..that he cant help it if he has been with more or didnt lose his virginity to me and that i need to figure out a way to accept this or its going to get worse. He says he probably isnt thinking about them the way i think he is. He isnt sitting in a corner reminising about the past. He says--yes, your mind does think about them when you see something you did together or someone may look like them.(He is older and been with a lot--so how often does he think of them then!?) He says if you are talking about the sex, i dont have it erased from mind, i can't. He is being honest..but it bothers the hell out of me..like him thinking that felt so good. He says he isnt missing or thinking..i liked when she did this or this. But he says i cant change this and 5 years from now if we are still together and you havent accepted this yet, its going to be worse.

 

I asked well do you wish you were still in contact with any of them and he tells me nah and said why would i go back when i can move forward.

[Walk]

I asked well do you wish you were still in contact with any of them and he tells me nah and said why would i go back when i can move forward.

Not sure if this will help or not.. but I can relate to what you're bf is saying. I still think about my ex's and sex and stuff while with my bf. But I do think it's a LOT different then how you're thinking it is.

 

For instance.. my exh and I went to the beach one time and we had sex in the bathroom on the way there. I remember that. But I'm not sitting there thinking "Oh wow that was great".. I'm thinking how sad it was. We were so uncomplicated then. There wasn't all the animosity and resentment there was at the end. The memory is still there, but it's clouded by all the reasons the relationship ended. There's no lustful desire. No desire at all to relive that moment.

 

And if I were to attempt to compare all my memories of past relationships and sex to my current relationship... I can't. And it's not about what "tricks" my bf knows about sex, but about his desire to make me happy. His willingness to do things he knows I enjoy or hopes will make me happy. Good sex really has less to do with tricks and moves as it does with willingness to please your partner and putting forth effort to make it happen.

 

You could make yourself the best sexual partner he's ever had if you wanted to. When he's sitting next to you, ask him what he enjoys most about sex. What positions feel best to him. Ask him how he likes it when you do certain things, and what things he wants you to do again. Then DO what he's said he loves you to do. It's pretty simple actually. Have the desire to do it, learn what he reallly enjoys, and then put it into practice. Won't matter how many partners you've had in the past. Anyone can have sex. But you're the ONLY person who can learn what your bf really likes and dislikes and do those things for him.

 

Trust me when I say that most of us women aren't any better than you are. Just don't lie on your back like a dead fish, and you're guy will be ecstatic.

 

Read everything you can about sex. Read it with him. (that's fun!) Be willing to try new things just for the heck of it. Don't limit yourself just because you believe someone else out there has done more. This is your chance to learn and experiment in a safe environment. Take advantage of it to the fullest. If you put as much effort into learning and experimenting as you do in questioning his memories, then he'd never have a moment to even think of anyone but you.

[sungrl]

Thanks WALK!!

 

I agree with you. My b/f has said I am suprisingly open minded with sex seeing as though i was a virgin and he says he has no complaints. He tells me oh this would nice if you did this and what not..but he has never come to me saying we have a problem b/c you dont do this.

 

So overall..you think its time for me to just let this go? it shouldnt be a threat to me? He even said to me..the feelings in a relationship are the same, its just with a different person but then it depends on how long you are with the person. It didnt make me feel very special when he said that but i guess he meant in general when in a relationship--its the same type of thing just with a different person but obviously the longer you are with someone, the deeper the love should be.

[Walk]

He even said to me..the feelings in a relationship are the same, its just with a different person but then it depends on how long you are with the person. It didnt make me feel very special when he said that but i guess he meant in general when in a relationship--its the same type of thing just with a different person but obviously the longer you are with someone, the deeper the love should be.

Your guy isn't very good with describing feelings, is he?

 

Then again.. I'm not sure how to describe it either. I guess the best I can equate it to is kind of like friendships. Sometimes a really close friendship ends for whatever reason, and down the road you find a new friend who's just as close but maybe this new friend has more of the traits you've always wanted in a best friend. You'd feel the same feelings toward both, but whereas the old friend might have caused more negative feelings to surface, or to have fewer happy times.. the best friend you have now creates more positive feelings, more happy times and really makes you feel safe in trusting them. The basic core elements that make up the feelings are the same. But the level, and intricacies of the feelings changes depending on the person and relationship.

 

I really don't think I described that well......

 

What you don't realize though, is that your "lack of other partners" is actually a bonus. For some reason men love that dichotomy between the idea of "pure" and naughty. And you capture that without even putting effort into it. Play off both those aspects and you'll drive him crazy in bed. Men can't resist it.

[orangehose]

Wow, Walk, you write beautifully.

[Guest]

I'm in a very similar situation, but with my g/f. So, its kind of the opposite situation. She's been with guys before sexually, I was a virgin when we met. It's really hard for me to know that she's done that before, and that she's told them that she loved them. She's told me that she is in love with me and that she wants to be with me forever.

 

We are both very serious about each other. I just run into this nasty voice in my head (figuratively, I'm not a looney) that asks if she really means it, or is she just telling it to me like she did the others, and we are just going to end, like it did with the others. Nothing scares me more than the thought of loosing her, but I'm afraid that it's exactly that fear that might drive her away. It's a nasty situation for me to be in, and it's all so confusing and quite frankly scary.

 

We've fought about it alot, and she says I don't trust her. Is it a trust issue? If I'm afraid that she'll leave me, or I'm afraid that when she tells me how she feels that she's told so many others and it doesn't mean as much, does that mean I don't trust her? I don't know what to do, and I'm sick of feeling the way I do. I'm not leaving her, there is no question about that. She is my everything, and I don't want to loose her.

 

It's just a very weird situation. She left all of her ex's, and they were crazy about her. I'm just kinda scared the same thing will happen to me. Any advice? BTW, I'm sorry If I hijacked your post, both of our issues kinda fit together.

[Guest]

Time to rent "Little Black Book"