A ? for the MM...ever have a crush....

[Mrs. Emo]

Hi guys, Happy Holidays to all!

 

Curious...have any of you married men ever had a crush/infatuation with a co-worker, friend of your wife, etc., during the course of your marriage?

 

Now, I am not talking about something that turned into an affair...I'm talking about that woman you found to be very attractive, exciting, or different in some way that maybe made you feel a bit more viral or interesting.

 

How did you handle your feelings for her? Did your behavior change at all when you were around her? What was it about her that put that sparkle in your eye? Did you ever discuss it with your wife? Did it happen at a time in your life when you were feeling a bit low or unappreciated?

 

I'll be looking forward to any feedback you guys can give me.

[Guest]

First thing, NEVER discuss any attractions you have towards someone at work with your spouse. You're only opening yourself up for an argument and the possibility of being mistrusted. Rarely would anyone understand an attraction you have for someone at work.

 

I have felt that way about 1 or 2 co-workers. What I found appealing about them was not only the fact that they were complete opposites of my wife in appearance, but the fact that we had more of the same common interests and views. I personally have never had an affair at work, but I don't know if I could say the same about my wife.

[Curmudgeon]

Kinda sorta. There was a woman at work who intrigued me from the first moment I met her. She was the perfect Icxe Maiden and initially looked at me like someone might look at a bug under a microscope. When we first met and she curtly "dismissed" me a little voice went off in my head and said, "I'll fix that!" I always did like a challenge.

 

Over the next five years we worked together often and developed a very appropriate workplace friendship, never so much as even having lunch together -- nothing.

 

No! I never mentioned her to my wife. It was no big deal and not worthy of mention. There was nothing to "handle" in terms of feelings. I liked, respected and admired her but there was certainly nothing romantic involved. Neither of us would have or permit it.

 

Ultimately, my then wife found someone else and left me. After living like a monk for two years I finally asked the Ice Maiden out for a non-romantic date to take a drive and share a meal. I simply wanted some adult company and considered her a friend whom I enjoyed talking to. We no longer worked for the same agency so there was no taboo for either of us and we had kept in touch because we worked the same policy area politically.

 

Long story short. We were married two months after that first date and will celebrate our 10th anniversary on the 30th of this month.

 

Guess I fixed it, huh?

[loggrad98]

When I married my wife, there was a nother girl I was very interested in and she was interested in me. I married pretty young, and this O.W. was just about to graduate from high school (I was a year or so removed at that time). I felt I needed to wait for her to graduate before I got serious with her and so I kept it cool and my wife and I had a whirlwind romance followed by a short engagement, then marriage. In short, I never gave this O.W. a chance, and about year and a half later it would come back to haunt me.

 

My wife came into the relationship with some serious emotional baggage that I just did not anticipate (or at least did not anticipate the impact it could have...I thought all that was the past and she would be fine...awakenings can be rude sometimes). My wife grew up in a broken home and had many different step-mothers, including a stint with her aunt as her step-mother! About 6 months after we married, she started to have minor breakdowns that scared me. A year later, after many blow-ups and now a few months of counseling, I was not sure where the relationship was headed. We had a young child and I was in shock as I began to realize I really did not know this woman to whom I was married.

 

At about this time the O.W. came back to our home town for a visit (she was away at college). I still kept in touch a little as we were very dear friends before I got married and I did not want to lose that friendhsip. However, my wife was jealous of my relationship with this O.W. so I kept it toned down. The O.W. contacted me and we went to the gym at the local university where I was a student and played some racketball.

 

I had no idea the feelings I would have at that moment. She was like a breath of fresh air. She was optimistic, happy, cheerful, coy, all the things my wife was before we married and that she was struggling with at this time. I found myself attracted to her in an animal way. We went back to my apartment after to talk, and we nearly did some things I would have deeply regretted. I found out she had very deep feelings for me, and we...let's just say we touched and held each other and I found it very hard not to take it further than that. I knew however that my wife needed me and I knew I was in love with her on a level I had never felt before. This O.W. was definitely exciting and turned me on more than I think I ever have been before or since, but now, after 15 years of very happy marriage, I am glad that I made the right choices that day.

 

I would be lying if I said I never think about what might have been on that day, but I do not entertain those thoughts and the possibilities really pale by comparison to what I have now. I helped my wife get through those difficult first years and our relationship is infinitely stronger and deeper for it, and I know I would have never had the same thing with that O.W., especially considering the harm it would have caused in both of our lives at that time.

 

I have never really spoken to my wife about this incident. She knows I spent the day with this O.W., and I did tell her I was tempted, and she understands the circumstance, but she knows none of the details and I do not think she wants to. Right now this is all 13+ years ago. Besides, there really are not many details anyway. It was a much more emotional rather than physical connection.

 

It is not that I do not trust my wife, nor am I afraid of her, but I just don't think it is relevant. If she had ever had a similar incident, I would not want to know about it, and even if it came out I would not worry about it because I know from our current relationship that it is water under the bridge.

 

If it ever came up, I would be honest with her, but I see no reason to ever bring it up myself.

[Mr. Lucky]

Life is full of temptations, and the social or workplace person of interest is one that we all have to deal with. For me there are two women - one I work with and one I play tennis with - that I know I'd pursue (or be persued!) if things were different. You just get those signals and that feeling sometime.

 

I avoid trouble two ways. First, I interact in a friendly or professional way with these two women but never in a flirtatious manner. Second, I avoid any social setting where we would be alone. No meeting for drinks, no lunches or dinners unless it is part of a group. Sticking to this has helped me stay a happily MM.

 

Mr. Lucky