lasan Posted December 24, 2006 Share Posted December 24, 2006 I have recently caught my SO in a couple little white lies. They are about ridiculous things. I can't figure out why he would lie about them. They involve his cellphone. A couple months ago I was looking through his cellphone, with him, and I came across the number of a female. My SO has very few friends, so I was surprised to see a number of a female. He had never mentioned her which I found odd because I know all about his male friends. He knows I am not the type to get jealous over female friends. So I asked him about who she was, how long he had known her...ect. Then he deleted her number out of the phone. I didn't ask him to, in fact I was a little puzzled about why he did it. He said it was because he didn't talk to her often enough to keep her phone number. A couple months after that, We are having a serious relationship talk. Right in the middle of it he interrupts and says "Oh I have to go get *insert girl from paragraph above" a birthday card. I stopped for a second and asked him what the heck did that have to do with what we were talking about. I don't celebrate birthdays, so I might seem a little callous on the topic. I would have never interjected that into the middle of a relationship chat. I reacted badly. I reacted badly because he told me he didn't talk to her often at all, but he remembers her birthday, and it's important enough to interrupt a fairly serious chat about our relationship? In the end I chalked it up to him being an idiot when it came to relationship chats. Fastforward to the other day. He has a new cell phone. I was checking out it's features. He is watching me LIKE A HAWK. After a couple minutes it makes me uncomfortable. (The day before this he had got a phonecall. He didn't take it because it was his brother and he said he didn't feel like talking about Christmas stuff. This becomes important in a moment.) His new phone is the same brand as mine, so I was comparing and contrasting how they worked. I was thinking about getting a model like his. I flipped through the calls and noticed there was no call from his brother. It wasn't even from the girl mentioned above. It was from his bestfriend. He gets so few phone calls there wasn't even any mistaking who it was from, or that he got another phonecall later. I am a bit puzzled about why he would lie about something like this. It's so small! Just to see his reaction, a couple hours later I picked up his phone again, and he did the same thing again....He fidgeted, watched my every move with his phone, and generally acted like I had picked up his diary. So I asked him about it. very specifically "Why do you flip out everytime I pick up your phone" I got dead silence for no less than 10 seconds. Finally he said " Because I feel like you are checking up on me." I wasn't checking up on him. I have never felt the need to check up on him. I apologized for making him feel that way. I also told him I found his behaviour with his cell phone very odd. I thought it might *possibly* be because he seems to think I have issues with his female friend. (I don't, she lives across the country from us for cripes sakes.) Of course he says he hasn't talked to her in months, which is true as far as I can tell. ( I get the cell phone bills....our minute breakdown is almost comical. Me:730 minutes used Him: 20 minutes used.) It's just niggling at me. It is such a ridiculous thing to lie about. What makes it more puzzling to me is that he never lies about anything even if its going to get him in trouble. He is, I won't say brutally honest...more like stupid honest lol. He never thinks about what is coming out of his mouth before he says it. Most people I know temper how they are saying things, but he just spits it out how he see's it, it happened, he feels...ect. He seems to think I was snooping, so I don't want to say anything about it just for that reason. I wasn't snooping at all. I want to snoop now though LOL. Why such a strange little white lie? It's not like I hate his best friend or anything (Although I gather his bestfriend....I won't say he doesn't like me. He is Gay and thinks everyone should be gay with him LOL. Funny guy actually.) He said his brother has called twice but it has been his best friend both times. I can't figure it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 24, 2006 Share Posted December 24, 2006 I wasn't checking up on him. I have never felt the need to check up on him. I apologized for making him feel that way. But, you are checking up on him. You didn't just happen to be scrutinizing his phone and the bill in the same time period. You're examing his cell phone, the cell phone records and the call logs in a fairly meticulous and deliberate way. Maybe that is your own "little white lie" Whether or not you have a legitimate reason to be concerned is another story... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author lasan Posted December 24, 2006 Author Share Posted December 24, 2006 But, you are checking up on him. You didn't just happen to be scrutinizing his phone and the bill in the same time period. You're examing his cell phone, the cell phone records and the call logs in a fairly meticulous and deliberate way. Maybe that is your own "little white lie" Whether or not you have a legitimate reason to be concerned is another story... Mr. Lucky I was really just comparing and contrasting our phones. And the only reason I know our cell phone break down on minutes is because I went way over one month and had a huge phone bill. I didn't get the wee bit worried until he started flipping out on me. *edited to add* Also it wasn't hard to see the call he got, it was the only one aside of me LOL. He really barely uses his phone. I wasn't trying to see who called him. (and I will be trading him phones, he likes mine better and I like his better lol) I am just more curious why he would lie about something so small. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 I was really just comparing and contrasting our phones. And the only reason I know our cell phone break down on minutes is because I went way over one month and had a huge phone bill. I didn't get the wee bit worried until he started flipping out on me. Hey, I'm agreeing with you. Whatever motivated you to check (or "compare and contrast" ) may have served you well in this case. That which he is hiding from you is important enough for him to lie about it a couple of times. I can't remember all the birthdays in my own family - and he is remembering and sending birthday cards to female "friends"? Draw your own conclusions... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author lasan Posted December 25, 2006 Author Share Posted December 25, 2006 yeah kinda what I was thinking. I kinda wrote my post backwards.....I put it in forward order for purposes for people to read, but I didn't think of all this stuff until after He flipped out about his phone. All I can do is watch and wait. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 I'm going to take a wild guess on this one, lasan, and it's based on the cheats that have been in your life, rather than any knowledge of your SO. I wonder whether he isn't overly concerned to not give you anything to worry about (because of the past) to the extent that he's willing to lie (against his real nature)? Perhaps he is over-sensitive, and perhaps you are too, because this has been something in the past... and you're 'not' checking up on him, and he's being extra-careful that you're not upset? Could be that some openness and honesty, even if it might hurt or be difficult, is a better idea..? Maybe you're giving off signals of 'don't do this or you will regret it' and he doesn't want to lose you? Though you talk about not being worried about any 'female friends' he might have... the words the number of a female stood out from your post as if it were a harbinger of doom, rather than a perfectly natural thing... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lasan Posted December 25, 2006 Author Share Posted December 25, 2006 I'm going to take a wild guess on this one, lasan, and it's based on the cheats that have been in your life, rather than any knowledge of your SO. I wonder whether he isn't overly concerned to not give you anything to worry about (because of the past) to the extent that he's willing to lie (against his real nature)? Perhaps he is over-sensitive, and perhaps you are too, because this has been something in the past... and you're 'not' checking up on him, and he's being extra-careful that you're not upset? Could be that some openness and honesty, even if it might hurt or be difficult, is a better idea..? Maybe you're giving off signals of 'don't do this or you will regret it' and he doesn't want to lose you? Though you talk about not being worried about any 'female friends' he might have... the words the number of a female stood out from your post as if it were a harbinger of doom, rather than a perfectly natural thing... Hmm I guess I am not expressing myself well....He has so few friends. that any number of anyone I haven't met stood out... and especially a chick because he always made it sound like he didn't know any. I talked to him about it since my last post. It was pretty much what I thought about the chick. He really thinks I am jealous that he has a female friend and decided to just never mention her again after he got yelled at. I pointed out that I wasn't mad he was sending her a card, I was made that he brought it up in the middle of a serious conversation about him and I. Seveal moths later, problem solved. I thought I made this clear before but I guess not. Maybe it was because I was mad the first time. The other thing, he won't say much about. I will just wait and see. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 He thinks you're jealous and 'decided not to mention it again' (which led to lying..?). That's really what I was trying to say in my last post... he's worried that you're going to take things the wrong way, so he's decided that you not knowing is for the best. That's not such a great situation (if that's what's happening)... Not sure whether when you say 'I thought I'd made this clear' you are talking about making it clear to him, or making things clear in your last post. Either way, I'm not really clear. Thing is, he's hiding something, and the reason SEEMS to be because he thinks you're not trusting him, and you're going to over-react. As Mr. Lucky points out... you ARE taking notice of things... you HAVE noticed this woman's number, and you did react (for whatever reason) when he mentioned getting her a card... there is an issue there of some kind. Do you think this is an innocent thing, or something more..? The fact you're writing about it on LS shows there's something going on in your mind, and he will (probably) be picking up on those doubts of him you have... that might be enough to lead even an 'innocent' man to lie... if he thinks you're going to question him more. Could easily be that's all there is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lasan Posted December 25, 2006 Author Share Posted December 25, 2006 That pretty much summed it up. The only time I have ever yelled at him in our whole time of knowing each other was when he interupted our serious relationship chat. From that one incident, he now thinks I don't want him talking to other women and will flip out if he does. (think we got that fixed too) I think we got a good handle on it. I even directed him to this thread so he could see exactly what I wrote about him. He is mildly amused by his point of view /vs/ my point of view on the whole topic. Messageboards are great to use as a sounding board, but it is infinitely easier to just go talk to the person. This was pretty much my take on these sort of issues before but it's always good to get other peoples input. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 ... that might be enough to lead even an 'innocent' man to lie... if he thinks you're going to question him more. "You bring out the worst in me." How romantic. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 Well I agree that it's best to sort things out between the couple. Message boards can be good for another perspective sometimes, but it's no replacement for communication. I think there are always two points of view on everything..!! and that's not bad in itself. The idea (for me) is to communicate what one's feelings/ideas are to the other person, and to listen to their feelings/ideas too, so we can see how one event may represent different things to each person. That's really all there is to be done... and allow honesty! ... try not to be defensive or hide things (or cause others to hide things)... excuse my whaffle... its late on Christmas Day here and wine has occurred Best wishes to you and Mr. Lasan Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 "You bring out the worst in me." How romantic. Hmm. Interesting take, but it's not what I meant at all. My point was that if they think you might be sensitive to something, people could start hiding things from you so you weren't upset. Not my ideal at all, but it's a direction that some people can take at times. Link to post Share on other sites
C&M4ever Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 I always say that unless you are just plain paranoid in general, if you are having these feelings about this then you have a reason. I would not keep snooping though because that could cause problems that are not even there yet. Either that or dont let him see you. He could just be genuinely annoyed that you "may" not trust him, maybe he has a legitimate reason to tell these little fibs, but only you would know that...you know him better than we do. Good luck:) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 just a suggestion - if u are worried, snooping is not the answer. it will only make you over-think and worry about everything. my suggestion is simply tell him how u feel and chances are he would give u access to everything so u can be reassured and over time these thoughts will fade. cell phones are weird things. i bought a new one recently and gave my number to my gf right away but now there is something wrong with it - i can't send or receive calls so if she has called me, and can't get thru - she will worry about me. i am going to take it in a get it fixed as soon as i can. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 sometimes my best friend calls to talk about REALLLLY personal crazy stuff she BEGS me not to mention. so i DONT say when she calls bcuz my SO might say "what did she want" then i'd have to lie even more. so i just say, it was my mom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lasan Posted December 26, 2006 Author Share Posted December 26, 2006 It gets funnier....and I feel ridiculous. Turns out he was getting me a surprise. He had his best friend pick it up so I wouldn't wonder where he had gotten off to. Since we spend so much time together, he knew I would notice if he ran off somewhere. His best friend showed up today with a pair of fabulous fabulous hand crafted earrings. My SO knows I am a jewelry buff (I have my own jewelers loupe and can spend many hours lecturing on gemstones clarity and all the boring stuff most people don't think of.) and commissioned a pair of diamond and sapphire earrings for me. It was purely a fluke that I ran across this little white lie. While I appreciate him trying to surprise me, i think next time I will keep my fat mouth shut and accept what he has to say LOL. On a side note we have since hashed out what he thought was my issue with his friend in the best way I know how, and if you all will excuse me I think I am going to rehash it out a few more times in several different positions Link to post Share on other sites
C&M4ever Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 Good news!! Worried for nothing Link to post Share on other sites
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