Author Star Gazer Posted December 28, 2006 Author Share Posted December 28, 2006 well this is normal for many families. its the old "familiarity breeds contempt" scenario. assuming you don't live with them SG, you can try to minimize contact with them. but attempting to "start" a new family because you dislike your current one will only lead to bad choices and ultimately, failure... Don't get me wrong... when I say I can't wait, I mean I am looking forward to having a family of my own. I'm not going to start a family for the purpose of replacing the one I have, it's just something I daydream about... make sense? I mean, I daydream about retirement too, and I'm only in my late 20's!! :-) Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 Because of geographic location I rarely see my parents or my only sibling. I haven't seen my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmothers in MANY years. I'm sure I COULD see all of these people more often, but I determined several years ago that to accomplish that would mean that every vacation I ever had would involve visiting my relatives. We are scattered across America in Florida, Louisiana, Michigan, California, and Texas. Some of my BF's family is in Georgia. I have been to all of these states many times. I want to see other places! As for starting a new family, your own family, I have certainly done that. I have four children and a granddaughter. We are probably equally as dysfunctional as the family I was born into, we're just dysfunctional in different ways. I'm not sure it is possible to have a family that doesn't suffer from some kind of dysfunction, just maybe different levels of it. It's hard not to bring some of the dysfunction you are raised in into your own family. Link to post Share on other sites
simplybrill Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 listen, I come from a South American background, and I know exactly what you're talking about. Not all famlies are happy and huggy with each other. It's not that the American family unit is weak, there can still be chaos with 3 generations living under one roof. It all depends on who in the family is hell bent on being wretched and making everyone else feel that way too! Yessss yes yes I am most definitely looking forward to starting a NEW family of my own. Something normal, perhaps? Link to post Share on other sites
ShoeGirl Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I have had the same thought as Star Gazer many times... There are very few people out of my huge family that I actually get along with, to everyone else I apparently can't do anything right. It seems like every year my disfunctional family becomes more disfunctional, it got really bad this last Christmas, so my mom and I decided we are going far to some tropical place on vacation next year for Christmas and we don't care what anyone else says. Something normal, perhaps? Normal would be a nice change Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 . We are probably equally as dysfunctional as the family I was born into, we're just dysfunctional in different ways. That made me laugh!! Thanks! I thought I was the only one who started a whole new family that was probably more retarded than the one I originated with. To the OP of the thread: It's okay to want to start over. At least the dysfunction, if there is one, is all your own. It's not so bad. You will see it's not so different than where you started out....but it's one you created....so it can be funny in it's own way. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 That made me laugh!! Thanks! I thought I was the only one who started a whole new family that was probably more retarded than the one I originated with. To the OP of the thread: It's okay to want to start over. At least the dysfunction, if there is one, is all your own. It's not so bad. You will see it's not so different than where you started out....but it's one you created....so it can be funny in it's own way. You are not alone! We are simply retarded and my daughter (nearly 18, and would state she is retarded as well) laughed with me. But there is always hope for the grandchild. Then again, based on her Daddy (my son) it's not looking so good. I wish I could post a smiley of some kind, but here we go again....Retards... Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I feel horrible for saying this, but one of the main reasons why I look forward to getting married and starting a family is to have a NEW family - one different from my own. I find the holidays to be so annoying and depressing... all my tiny family does is bitch, moan, and fight. Don't feel bad. My family before my H always neglected and ignored me. I hated going to family things. I was always ignored and no one ever cared what I was going. They always asked how my brother was going. So annoying. I don't even keep in contact with them anymore. The only ones I do is my parents and my brother. Here's an example: Probabably about 6 years ago we went to Florida for christmas and stayed with my grandparents. They never asked how I was going, they ignored me, etc... I felt like such a burden. So when Christmas came along I didn't get ANYTHING from them. My brother did and my parents did. They were like "we have something for you guys." So they came back and handed money to everything but me. They didn't even look at me. Of course I seen my grandfather look at me for a minute after and there was no emotion about what he did in his eyes. I'll never forget the way he looked at me. I can still see it. My moms side of the family is worse. My uncle didn't even know who I was when I called. I told him my name and that still didn't ring a bell. I had to tell him I was his niece. Took him a sec. or that to ring too. I'll never forget that one also. Or the time when I was done with college, came home and no one cared to even want to see me. But o no when my brother came home the phones were ringing and they wanted to see him. That was uncalled for. I remember when my parents were taking him to the airport, my aunt and uncle called and wanted to say goodbye. I told him to call my mom and hung up. I couldn't take it anymore. I don't hang up on people but they asked for it. I guess a lot of it was my brother got all the attention and I was the coat rack. I never liked my brother coming home and sometimes I blame him for some of the things. Probably shouldn't but I do. He always pushes it in my face. O here's a better on. When my grandmother and uncle landed in the hospital at different times, of couse I went (to support my mom ONLY). I tryed talking to them to give them some sort of encourgement. They didn't want it at all. They might as well said "could you wait outside." After a few times of being hurt and feeling like they wish I was never born, I just said screw you all and I haven't talked to them since. I don't sends cards, call, I don't care. I don't talk to my cousins, nothing on both sides. So what I do now is keep the ones that care about me close and that's all that matters. I don't try to get close to anyone on my H's side. I actually to be honest don't care about them either. After what happend with both my parents side of the family I figured there is something wrong with me they didn't like. I've never done anything that I can think of. So the only people I'm really close to is my parents, brother, and my H (not including friends). Sure if my H wants to go and see his side of the family I don't mind going for him, but if he never wanted to go I wouldn't lose sleep over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I can't stand my own family but inlaws are great people. I stayed with them a week before the wedding and they seem like everything my family is not. Her parents seem like they are genuinely happy together and the whole family seems like they genuinely care about each other. Link to post Share on other sites
coco_milkshake Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I cant wait to have my own family either. I look at my mum and I keep telling myself that I wont turn out like her. She is a control freak with the rest of the family and Ive lived with the fear of disappointing or doing something which does not fit the norms of both the family and society. I am going to have an open relationship with my children - I want them to respect me, not fear me. It angers me when my mum says that children should be afraid of their parents, it makes no sense to me at all. Where there is fear, there is no love. Thats what I think. I am a classic example of that. Even when she tries to get close to me, I dont feel like I can share anything cos of her judgmental attitude. I am only 21 yet I imagine myself as a wife and mother in the future sometimes - I daydream about that alot lol. My mum even goes on and curses me, saying my children will never make me happy - as if what she says will happen lol. I dont know how I turned out to be different but Im happy I am. If my family dont like it then thats their problem and I wont be around to find out cos hopefully I will be out sometime this year and live my life MY way. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I am going to have an open relationship with my children - I want them to respect me, not fear me. It angers me when my mum says that children should be afraid of their parents, it makes no sense to me at all. Where there is fear, there is no love. Thats what I think. I am a classic example of that. Even when she tries to get close to me, I dont feel like I can share anything cos of her judgmental attitude. Thats not right. Children shouldn't be afraid of their parents like that. Open relationship is a good thing. My mom and I have one. You kind of remind me of my mother. She said sort of the same thing. She didn't want to be like her mother either and she hasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I don't even know if I want children because I have no model for what a parent should be. My mother is certainly no model for parenthood and my father while not a bad person right now did pretty much nothing. Maybe I should not be a parent. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I don't even know if I want children because I have no model for what a parent should be. My mother is certainly no model for parenthood and my father while not a bad person right now did pretty much nothing. Maybe I should not be a parent. O don't say that. I'm sure you would make a great parent. Your not your parents. But seems like your able to understand what it is your parents did wrong so I'm sure you wouldn't make the same mistakes as they did. You learn from them, make the right changes and move on. Your not the only one who thinks they can't be a good parent. To be honest it scares me sometimes. I always wonder about if I'm going to be a good mom or what if I mess something up. I actually have no experience with children so I wouldn't have a clue as to what I was doing. Sure I've been around children before but I've never had to look after them. Link to post Share on other sites
coco_milkshake Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I don't even know if I want children because I have no model for what a parent should be. My mother is certainly no model for parenthood and my father while not a bad person right now did pretty much nothing. Maybe I should not be a parent. The fact that you acknowledge that your parents were not good role models and the fact that you are aware of the negative impact that they had on you shows that you will indeed make a good parent as obviously you do not want to repeat the mistakes that they made. Dont be so hard on yourself, you will make a great father. Link to post Share on other sites
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