Friendship or more?

[Guinness]

I hope you have some advice for me (even if my post is really long)!

 

Well, I just ended a long-term relationship. I am over my ex-boyfriend but the whole breaking up and everything really got to me. So my best friend who I know for years invited me to visit him for a couple of days to take a break and just have a good time. I hadn’t seen him in quite some time because he lives at the other end of the country.

 

I had a great time, it was just really relaxing and fun, lots of going out and having a good laugh. But one night after we had gone out to some bar we started holding hands and ended up kissing. I just totally panicked, not because I do not like him but because I was so scared of losing him if this would go wrong, and because I was scared of getting hurt.

I also do not really believe in long distance relationships. So I just pretended to be tired and drunk and nothing more happened. We did not talk about it the next day and ended up acting as if nothing much had happened.

 

Since I am back home we have been sending each other messages all the time, which is surprising because he normally is quite lazy when it comes to that. I just don’t know what to think of all that. On one hand I am happy that nothing more happened because it definitely would hurt much more now if we would have started something serious.

 

And on the other hand I am regretting that I did not give the whole thing a chance – because generally I believe that you should try to do things you really want to even if they look hopeless at first.

 

And then I do not know how to take the whole situation. Perhaps he did it just because he felt lonely (he ended his last relationship quite a while ago and does not want to have a new one at the moment). I am just really confused. I know that I miss him. I might see him again in two months, and if I still have these feelings for him, should I try to “intensify” our relationship – or is it better to let the whole thing go? Please help!

 

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[Tony T]

Both of you are out of relationships and emotionally vulnerable. Both of you had been drinking at the time of this episode so that contributed to what happened.

 

The bottom line is that the geographical distance between the two of you would not make it practical for any kind of dating relationship. And, as you already know, your friendship as it stands now could be jeopardized if things go south.

 

You didn't say how long it has been since you ended your long term relationship but you DID say it "just ended" so that indicates you haven't been out of it for long. You really don't need to be diving into anything else right now while you would be on the rebound.

 

Do yourself a favor and put this friend back in the good friend category and give yourself time to heal from this recent break up. When you're ready, take some time to meet people and later find a quality relationship you will feel very comfortable in and one that won't put a good friendship on the line.

 

In other words, cool your jets and don't rush into anything with anybody.

[Ally Boo]

I ended up going against my gut feeling and dated a good friend of mine, we actually ended up getting married...and divorced, and I've lost a good friend. I wish I would have never even let him kiss me. It's not worth it.

[velvet]

Just like he did, you need to forget it too. So your emotions and adrenaline were rushing through your bodies. These things tend to happen during first kisses and first dates. Now your letting those feelings get to you.

 

Just leave everything you both were feeling alone. Continue being friends. Unless, you are willing to risk the f/s and one of you move thousands of miles to be with the other.

 

If your willing to consider that, than you have something to think about. Otherwise, let it go and realize that it was more the alcohol and a having fun that got you into this in the first place.

 

What would you be thinking now if you didn't hold his hand and you didn't kiss him? Would you be thinking of what you are now?

[Guinness]

Thanks everyone for your input!

 

I did a lot of thinking during the past week. The whole thing is so hard.

 

I acutally went to see my friend because I had this breakup with my longterm boyfriend in the past, and then a story with a guy I really cared about but who dumped me at the last minute because he was scared of commitment. So I actually went there to get a break from everything and just have a good time!

 

Anyways, I do think that you are right. Well, I do not believe that it was all pure alcohol and lonelyness because we kind of have a history of one of us having deeper feelings when we meet up (the last time before that it was me) - but the bottom line is - we both do not want to risk our friendship and we both do not really believe in long distance relationships.

 

I really miss him - but I can't really stay in contact at the moment because otherwise I wont be able to put the whole thing behinde me - but I am sure our friendship will stay.

 

It just seems so hopeless - there are tons of guys who are just trouble at the end - and then there is one I know I get along with and everything and then he lives at the other end of the continent...! Anyways, thank you for the advice!

[BookGurl]

I know my reply is coming a bit late.

But here's what I think:

 

If it weren't for the long distance, I think you should've totally gone for it. It stinks and hurts to loose a friend, but who knows what happens till you try. There's something to be said from avoiding heartache, but if that dictates your life--well, then that's no good. Why miss out on life just because you are scared of the future. Life's way to short for that.

 

The long distance thing stinks. So, yeah...keeping in touch would be painful. I guess it all deoends on the depth of how much you care for a person. Perhaps I'm unrealistic.

 

So...I dunno... I guess in short- Dating friends, can be very valuable and wonderful...so if that's the major part of your fear- perhaps you might want to look past it.

 

 

J.