I'm looking like his ex

[Inca]

My current boyfriend has expressed to me the things that he likes in a woman. And I've changed myself so he'll think I'm more beautiful. I've changed everything from my hair color back natural, to a different hairstyle, and now there is talk about another change that I just found out was something she had at one time. I love him very much, and I want to make him happy. He hasn't asked me to do this, I just do it. He says he has no feelings for her, this is just what he's attracted to, and that I was beautiful when we started dating too. I'm just wondering if I should think much into this.

[Tony T]

I don't think it's ever a good idea to make major changes of any kind for another person. If they don't accept you the way you are and feel comfortable with, then it's just not meant to be.

 

From my perspective, it's pretty absurd for you to make numerous modifications to your physical appearance in order to look like the ex of a boyfriend. You aren't his ex...you are a unique person who he should love and respect for what YOU are. Doing this makes you appear to be extremely insecure and lack confidence in the person you are.

 

If you feel good yourself making those changes, fine. But I think it's highly unusual for any woman to be making numerous changes for a guy in order to look like an ex. I also think a lady's hairstyle ought to be something SHE is comfortable with. Her guy ought to admire her for her individuality.

 

Continuous behavior and appearance modifications to match his ex will be problematic in the longrun and you will regret it. My thoughts at this point is you ought to go find a guy who cares for you just like you are...and just like YOU want to be.

 

You ought to asbsolutely insist that he never bring up his ex or exes in front of you again or describe them in any way. If he starts giving you some description of the kind of woman he wants in his life, tell him to kiss your butt and to go and look for her.

 

I know you say this isn't his idea that you do these things but I find that hard to believe. He must really emphasize these physical traits to motivate you to go to the lengths you're going to imitate the women in his past.

 

I have absolutely no respect for your guy if he stands by and watches you change into someone you are not. This is phony and something neither of you should tolerate.

 

Be yourself and if he can't handle that, there are a lot of guys who will. Never make radical changes for somebody else because you will suffer in the long run.

[Bill]

Tell him to grow a bigger brain.

[Inca]

You don't think that you are supposed to do things to please your mate? For example, my mother told me that she grew her hair out long for my dad because he loved long hair. She wears things my father likes, and it's a way you show love and respect for your mate.

I talked to him yesterday about this. I looked in the mirror one day and realized that I had some of her features, but not really many. Mainly just hair color and bangs. He has no idea I have asked anyone's oppinion about this, and he told me that he wants me to be me. He suggested my hair back to the natural color because it was healthier than coloring it. And he thought the bangs would bring out my eyes more (which it does). And the other alteration that I was mentioning was something she had before they dated, and he just thinks it's attractive on a woman period.

He understands that he can not tell me what to wear or what to do, and he said he wants me to be me and he told me I look nothing like her and am nothing like her, and that if he wanted someone like her, he'd be with her. I even asked one of his friend's last night and he said I looked nothing like her either. I guess it boils down to my insecurities.

[velvet]

Must be the Gemini in me. I do believe making small changes to please your mate is perfectly fine. Some men look at the details of how other women dress. If its a change in the wardrobe, shoes, accessories. Fine no big deal. Changing hair color and style is a bit too much.

 

It also depends on how he feels if you don't make those changes. Like your b/f said it didn't matter if you don't change your wardrobe, he loves you the way you are. That sounds like a healthy r/s. He is only making suggestions of what appeals to his eye. If you feel comfortable doing and changing to please him, first be sure it will please yourself.

 

Last week my b/f told me how sexy and sophisticated I looked when I had my navy blue suite on. I had court that day and during the time I have been with him, I've always worn blue jeans. I'm a blue jean kind of gal. He asked If I would wear things like that more often because it was a turn on to him. Hey, If it would turn him on, than I don't have a problem wearing suites more often.

 

Than there is the unfriendly version of making changes to give your man what he wants. For instance, when I was in my late teens, early twenty's my ex pressured me into wearing what he thought was attractive. He would have me in tears most of the time prior to going out. He wanted me to wear things I thought was too slutty. Tight dresses, mini skirts, a different color shoe for every outfit.. etc... all the way down to accessories and hair color. I wouldn't do any of those things until he had me crying in the bathroom. I didn't want to go in public wearing something I felt uncomfortable in. That was one of the reason I broke up with him. Pressure to be something I'm not!

 

So you make your decisions and don't let him manipulate you into anything your uncomfortable about.