Lights Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 Some people go through life with a "If they can't get over who I am, they can go to hell" attitude, while others make more active attempts to conform to any of the various social customs of any of the sets of people, cultures, subcultural factions, etc. that they plan on joining. My question is this: what is the best way to go, especially when neither seems to work? I've done the whole "hell with what other people think" thing before, but it hasn't made for the wonderful empowering social life I've sought. I've also (equally foolishly) attempted to go a more conformist route, playing along with other people's games and customs, doing things I wasn't interested in in order to better surround myself with people correlated with specific demographics, worrying about things like image; the results were equally vile. What does one do? Link to post Share on other sites
Grrlish Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 Lights: It's difficult to give you a good answer since your post doesn't provide any context about whether this is in regard to dating/love relationships, work relationships, making friends, etc. Generally, though, I believe that it's important to be yourself...while remaining flexible and willing to grow and change. The first step is to know what 'yourself' looks like. It's much easier to figure out where to have the "they can go to hell" attitude and where to be flexible when you know yourself, first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lights Posted December 25, 2006 Author Share Posted December 25, 2006 Lights: It's difficult to give you a good answer since your post doesn't provide any context about whether this is in regard to dating/love relationships, work relationships, making friends, etc. Generally, though, I believe that it's important to be yourself...while remaining flexible and willing to grow and change. The first step is to know what 'yourself' looks like. It's much easier to figure out where to have the "they can go to hell" attitude and where to be flexible when you know yourself, first. Well, I meant pretty much everything as far as friends and dating/love relationships and the like go. (I wasn't thinking of work relationships, but I don't doubt that there's significant pressure of similar nature in work environments, a la some people being kept "in the loop" by choosing to answer their BlackBerries 24/7 versus the fates of those in similar work who choose otherwise, or how things work regarding showing up versus not showing up for work-run social functions, etc.) I just feel it's as if I'm stuck in a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situation that a chosen few have been exempt from. May I ask what you mean about what 'yourself' looks like? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 One doesn't bow down. William Shakespeare had it right when he penned, "This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." If you have to change who you are to be accepted by others then they're generally not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
overdosed Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 Change (bow down) only if you think it will make you a better person. Otherwise, just be yourself, as long as you are comfortable with yourself and your convictions and you're not hurting anyone. It's nice to get social approval. But if you live your life for the approval of others ... you're never gonna be happy. Remember in the end, we all die alone. So start making peace with yourself and live the life you want. And it's impossible there wouldn't be anyone who's gonna like you. There's like a billion of us. Maybe you're just on the wrong side of the planet ... Link to post Share on other sites
Ironman75 Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 Your right the world is like that. Damned if you do Damned if you don't. But you don't have to be damned at all. Never and I mean never bow down to anyone. Thats never the answer. What you need to do is be fair. No one is without fault. But you need to stand your ground because the bottom line is that NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO YOU WILL NEVER PLEASE EVERYONE. Then you need to ask yourself are the people I'm changing for even worth compromising who you want to be an who you are. So when you stand your ground even if people like it or not they will respect you. Be opened to new things but don't be fake because people can sense that. Be yourself and love yourself and people will begin to be more inviting. Right now your going through changes and people notice that so they give you space weather you like it or not. What there doing is seeing what is going to happen. It seems to me you have showed people many different faces of you. There waiting to see the real one. So now it's time to paint one so they know what there getting into. Because if you don't know who you are how can you expect others to. I hope this helps a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 Unfortunately, sometimes the sorts of people who insist on not 'bowing down' or on 'not changing, no matter what' actually could use a few changes. If you're arrogant, rude, and stubborn, then yeah, changing is not such a bad idea. If you're inconsiderate and consider every interaction a power struggle, again, a change might definitely be in order. So I'm not and never have been a big fan of insisting one be loved exactly as one is. I happen to think there's few humans who couldn't stand improving (myself included). I think you need to question your values, morals, and behaviour periodically and see if they jibe with those you admire. I think it's vital to re-examine your assumptions from time to time to be sure you're not clinging to something that is wrong-headed. There is nothing wrong with compromising a little in aid of better relations, but that being said, I don't recommend doing things I wasn't interested in in order to better surround myself with people correlated with specific demographics, worrying about things like image. In that instance, you are being false in service of an empty goal. Look at people you admire. Aim to embody the qualities in them that you admire. And then seek people who appreciate you for those qualities. They may not be numerous, but a few true friends are worth several dozen hangers-on who only want you for your job/money/reputation/whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 I've done the whole "hell with what other people think" thing before, but it hasn't made for the wonderful empowering social life I've sought. I've also (equally foolishly) attempted to go a more conformist route, playing along with other people's games and customs, doing things I wasn't interested in in order to better surround myself with people correlated with specific demographics, worrying about things like image; the results were equally vile. You were hoping that the "to hell with what other people think" attitude would bring you an empowering social life, which kind of suggests that it was an attitude that was driven by the same needs and desires that have encouraged you to be overly conforming at other times. Lots of people make a noise about how they don't care what anyone thinks of them, but the person who genuinely and absolutely doesn't care about other people's opinions isn't necessarily an emotionally and psychiatrically healthy individual. I think there are times when you really do have to focus on really not caring what another person thinks of you....but that's generally the case where that other person has a lot of hostility towards you and is actively trying to hurt you or provoke you into actions that you'll regret. On those occasions, not caring is less about being authentic and true to yourself and more about self preservation. I think various people have already given you pretty good advice on this thread that involves accepting or acknowledging that sometimes other people are worth listening to. Often they might make a good point or two. You can be your own person, but still have some respect for other people and their opinions. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who didn't give a rat's arse what you thought of them or the way they lived their life. Would you admire them, or would you find them irritating? How easy is it to admire and like another person if they don't seem to be extending any respect to you? As suggested in If, ideally all people will matter to you...but none too much. How much is too much? Probably if you're finding yourself controlled by the need to please other people to the extent that you're twisting yourself all out of shape - becoming someone you don't like or value very much - in order to be whatever it is you think they want. You don't have to do that, but neither do you have to go to the other extreme by refusing to attach any value whatsoever to other people's opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
JCD Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 People that have ID problems will join all kinds of groups thinking that the group will give them the ID, direction or purpose. It doesn't work like that because when we're alone we don't know who we are. Find out who you are, by examining your values and beliefs. Then bring those to the group, be different but share common group thing. I'm different from most in my group but I bring in my own personality, ideas, whatever and people like that. Then again, I've always been independent so I couldn't care less what others thought of me. Maybe that made it easier for me to be part of a group because I had no expectations and I didn't felt like I needed to rely on the group to have a life of my own. I could quit the group and be ok with myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lights Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Thanks for your answers, people. It was something that was frustrating me a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
clatan Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Does this include trying to attract the other sex? Well either way, you're trying find company, romantic or otherwise. What kind of person do you want to hang with, someone who worries about what others think or someone who says to hell with what they think, I'm being myself. Think about which type of people you tend to hit it off with. Which have your neatest friends tended to be? If it's the "Hell with what they think type" for example, then you'll most likely draw in those kind of people and get their attention if you act the same. My opinion, don't needlessly offend anyone, but don't try to hide yourself. To hell with what people think. Link to post Share on other sites
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