movinon05 Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 Thanks, Pricillia. You're right that there are just no guarantees in life. Or relationships. Life is just too short, you know? I've decided that, if he'll have me, I want to be with him one last time. Why deny myself that pleasure? We never know what is around the corner... BDTD! I'm surprised!!!! You started this thread about being friends and then this?? Sweetie, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but please don't make any decisions like this when you're in the down state that you're in. No, we don't know what's around the corner, but really, what good is it going to do for you other than bring you a heartache aftermath or you'll even kick yourself for doing it? And I'm concerned about this phrase: I've decided that, if he'll have me... It sounds like you're suddenly glorifying him. That you would be honored if he did and you were suddenly worthy. I hope that's not what I'm reading. Look, I'm glad he's showing you compassion. I mean, after all, its nice to know he has feelings, if for no other reason, than he feels bad for you and knows you are hurting. But don't look at your boss' death like "I might as well do it one more time and have a good time." Rather look at his passing as a reason to forge ahead and make YOUR life better in the way YOU want it to be, before its your time. Surely, this is not how you want it to be! ((Hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 Thanks, Pricillia. You're right that there are just no guarantees in life. Or relationships. Life is just too short, you know? I've decided that, if he'll have me, I want to be with him one last time. Why deny myself that pleasure? We never know what is around the corner... Hello - he's not going off to war! The truth is, you DO know what is around the corner. You know that you can't eat just one potato chip, and you know that if you have sex with him once more, you'll want to do it again. Re-read some of your threads and make a hard-headed decision whether you really, really want to put yourself back there again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BenThereDunThat Posted December 26, 2006 Author Share Posted December 26, 2006 BDTD! I'm surprised!!!! You started this thread about being friends and then this?? Sweetie, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but please don't make any decisions like this when you're in the down state that you're in. No, we don't know what's around the corner, but really, what good is it going to do for you other than bring you a heartache aftermath or you'll even kick yourself for doing it? And I'm concerned about this phrase: I've decided that, if he'll have me... It sounds like you're suddenly glorifying him. That you would be honored if he did and you were suddenly worthy. I hope that's not what I'm reading. Look, I'm glad he's showing you compassion. I mean, after all, its nice to know he has feelings, if for no other reason, than he feels bad for you and knows you are hurting. But don't look at your boss' death like "I might as well do it one more time and have a good time." Rather look at his passing as a reason to forge ahead and make YOUR life better in the way YOU want it to be, before its your time. Surely, this is not how you want it to be! ((Hugs)) I know, I know. And I just meant by "if he'll have me", meaning that I don't want him to think I've completely lost my mind because of what's happened. I won't seek it out, he'll have to make the first move in that regard. But, you know, I'm tired of fighting my feelings. I'm tired of denying myself. For what?! What has it gotten me? If my feelings just end up complicating things, then so be it. At least I'll have that one last moment to hold onto. Only this time I will know it could be the last time and can hang onto the memory. Things have been so dismal, I NEED something to look forward to for once!! Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 Have you lost your mind?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BenThereDunThat Posted December 26, 2006 Author Share Posted December 26, 2006 Have you lost your mind?! Oh, Freedom, I knew you wouldn't take this too well. I don't blame you. Really I don't. But dang it, I am so tired of being UNHAPPY ALL the time!! At least this way, couldn't I just be happy SOME of the time?? Don't worry, like I said, I won't be the one to pursue it. I'm at least proud enough to not do that. But I just had an epiphany(sp?) this morning. I've had it with these WALLS... My boss was a very healthy man. Didn't drink, smoke, worked out every morning. Do you know what everyone said, has been saying to me all morning?? Everyone is like, that's it, I'm going to eat what I like, do what I like, etc. WHY NOT ME??? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 But dang it, I am so tired of being UNHAPPY ALL the time!! At least this way, couldn't I just be happy SOME of the time?? You have to give yourself time to get over the end of a relationship before you can be yourself again. You're not thinking clearly! If you allow yourself to get sucked in again, you will just have to go through this again in the future - all the pain of realizing it's not going anywhere, the pain of break-up, the pain of recovery. Give yourself a chance to get over him now so you can be able to meet someone else that much sooner!! Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 Well, honey. You didn't seem to be a settler to me but you are setting yourself for doing JUST THAT. Did the Grinch come into your home yesterday and steal your brain and replace it with Barbie's? Honestly, I hate to be harsh, but you are walking into a shytstorm by letting this man into your heart or your bed. But, I will help you pick up the pieces if you need me. I just don't like to see a trainwreck about to happen. What happened to that formidable woman?! Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 You know, while I was at work today, for some reason I went back through some of my old threads (don't tell my bosses - I was alone and bored! lol). Anywho, I had a thread back in June where I totally fell apart and was ready to throw in the towel. I was dying to contact exMM and tell him I loved him. I talked it through with many friends here and got past it. That would have been a huge step backwards if I ever gave in and I would have regretted it. But he would've gotten quite an ego boost if I ever did initiate it. I can't tell you how glad I am that I never did. I look back at that other person I was and barely recognize myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 Same here. I look back and shudder at how I was immersed in such incredible pain yet frozen in it. BTDT, you don't want to go back there, do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BenThereDunThat Posted December 26, 2006 Author Share Posted December 26, 2006 Nora, Freedom, Movin - I hate the thought of disappointing you. Your posts have gotten me through some pretty rough nights. Don't worry, chances are nothing will happen. I'm just saying, why not? What if my time is coming up soon? Or his time? I've just been asking myself...do I want to die with my pride in tact - pride that no one will see or even know about (or even CARE about in the end), or do I want to follow my heart one last time? Link to post Share on other sites
Can'tGiveUp Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 Hey BTDT, One last time won't make it any better or any easier. The first time we split, I had the "one last time" and knew what it was. This time I didn't. And to be honest, neither one feels good. At times, I wish I had had one more time this time. Then I wonder, why? Would it have been so spectacular that he'd change his mind? No. Would it make me feel better about myself? No. Would it bring anymore finality or closure to the situation? No. All it would have done was make it more sad and make us both cry more. Make it more difficult to walk away. If you go for it, I think in the long run you will just feel worse. But you know we'll all be here when you need us. Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 Chances are, if your MM is anything like OUR MM, something WILL happen. Bet on it. Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 Chances are, if your MM is anything like OUR MM, something WILL happen. Bet on it. You got that one, sister! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BenThereDunThat Posted December 26, 2006 Author Share Posted December 26, 2006 You know, while I was at work today, for some reason I went back through some of my old threads (don't tell my bosses - I was alone and bored! lol). Anywho, I had a thread back in June where I totally fell apart and was ready to throw in the towel. I was dying to contact exMM and tell him I loved him. I talked it through with many friends here and got past it. That would have been a huge step backwards if I ever gave in and I would have regretted it. But he would've gotten quite an ego boost if I ever did initiate it. I can't tell you how glad I am that I never did. I look back at that other person I was and barely recognize myself. I know. I'm still leaving room for the possibility that I will come down from this...I have a couple days to myself before he is back in town. And I do have some pride - I won't pursue anything on my own or out of the blue. That's why I'm glad I have you guys to bounce my thoughts around with. Life has just been so crazy lately, I've just been smacked with the reality of just how uncertain everything is. You know? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 don't ruin your life BTDT... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 BTDT Not disappointed and wasn't expecting you to go back either. That's how it is with these kinds of R (whether or not the guy is M). It just seems to me that your boss' death is really doing a number on you. The deaths of those that we really admire and respect have a tendency to do that to us. He died with his integrity intact, as far as you know anyway, and it seems that everyone knew that about him. It is our responsibility to take care of our health and the body that we enter life with, he did that too. Just because he still died in the end, doesn't change the fact that he lived and had such a positive impact on all that encountered him. We all have an appointment with death. Your Ex is a sleaze that is weaseling his way back in with you, and he knows it. Don't give in to this sleaze. Of course he is going to make a move, that's a no brainer. Of course he is going to pursue you again, another no brainer. So you aren't really giving any hope that you aren't interested to us here. You know he will come after you. Don't give in to the sleaze. Don't let him sh*t on your memories of your late boss. Sleaze is NOT worth it. You aren't denying yourself happiness by turning away from him. You are opening yourself up to it. Honestly, if you want to not deny yourself, go out and buy the most fattening food you can find and eat to your heart's content. Comfort eating is far healthier than a MM!!!! Seriously, good luck hun. Not an OW, but I know what you are going through. Truly, I have been there too. And I remember the feelings of hurt when it all came crashing back down yet again. When you are ready for it to be over, it will be. Maybe you aren't really ready yet. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 Nora, Freedom, Movin - I hate the thought of disappointing you. Your posts have gotten me through some pretty rough nights. Don't worry, chances are nothing will happen. I'm just saying, why not? What if my time is coming up soon? Or his time? I've just been asking myself...do I want to die with my pride in tact - pride that no one will see or even know about (or even CARE about in the end), or do I want to follow my heart one last time? Hey BTDT....I always said "one last time" too....and each time I fell harder, this almost took my life. I know how you feel...so tired of supressing these feelings for him, so tired of the self talk. Each time it became harder to pick myself up, going deeper into my own self hatred. Looking at it the other way is that you will be on this earth for many years to come....and now by staying away from MM you are ensuring the right one will come and preparing for him..... Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 btdt, i think i would be as weak as you are feeling right now. i understand the need to follow your heart, no matter what the consequences. do what will make you happy now, no one knows what will happen in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 You are such a giving woman, admirably so. You are also correct that there are no guarantees within this short life we are given... Here is my observation, take it or leave it, but whatever you do know that you will not be judged by any action you choose. -You have suffered a death by loosing your lover -You have suffered a death by loosing your "boss" -Your grieving process has "doubled" -You are exhausted from the pain, anger, etc. thus vulnerable -You seek RELIEF (immediate, if you can get it!) -Your "buffer (your beloved boss) at the office is gone and your work is no longer a "safe" avenue nor outlet -You seek comfort and a safe outlet from the pain--you need to feel something; anything that is not THAT (pain) -Your newly found coping skills, seemingly, have been shreaded to bits -What you already know and THINK you can handle may seem easier than this great pain and grief -So you are willing or are toying with going back to the fantasy as opposed to the reality It is much like an addict who for whatever reason decides to "use" one last time. Just a quick "fix" telling themselves they can deal w/ it. Even after the withdrawal, the sobriety and everything all of that brings--they think they may CONTROL their behavior and this one last "fix".> Also, by taking that last dose the addict is actually NOT in control--it is what it always was: escapism and giving UP control--just as you've stated you would allow your Ex-lover to control this by persuing you. This could be a sign to you that you are spinning out of control via your vulnerability and grasping at anything that will seem to help. We have ALL been in your shoes and even the greatest of human beings do not survive in ways that one would choose. The point is: do you want to survive? You have done so much work, so much heartfelt introspection. Do you wish to sacrifice your very soul and give all that up for one moment? As in end note: Life is, indeed, for the living. Life is messy and strange; but we only have one and it can end with the quiet blink of an eye-lash. Legacies are forever. You have a wonderful example (your boss) before you! You also have a wonderful self that is capable of great legacy. You do not have to hate and you may forgive but this is never at the cost of one's well being. It is at the descretion of one's well being. Take some time to grieve before you "jump". Grief comes in cycles and none are particularly rational. Now is now and later is, well, just, LATER. Your ex is there and you can screw him LATER, as he isn't going anywhere... One day at a time.... Take care of yourself and stay in touch! Great big HUGE hugs to you!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BenThereDunThat Posted December 26, 2006 Author Share Posted December 26, 2006 Oh, POM, how is it you always know just what to say? I feel like you know me so well. No worries, I'm not jumping into anything. I just know that you guys are my safe haven and I can come here and "think out loud." I know I've said it before, but I don't know what I'd do without you guys! I'm going to bide my time and just let these thoughts lie right where they are. Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 I feel the same about you guys and glad you are there as well. Take care darling and we are here for you! Kisses! Link to post Share on other sites
kymberann Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 Ben there! It's ok to think out loud, but to act is a different story! Don't cave, don't go there! It will only make you feel better for a splilt instant of time. All those old emotions and feelings will double and resurface. You will literally regret the cave in! MM will have you trapped again, (whether he is being genuine or manipulative) and it willl be so much harder the next time around! You don't deserve this! He does not deserve your time and energy! It's ok to want to be comforted, it is natural to want to feel secure and to want to grieve an important loss while feeling secure. But if you ALLOW MM to fulfill this need you may just undue all the repair and healing that you have done for YOURSELF! Stick around here! We will help! He isn't worth it! Best! Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 BTDT, Please don't do this to yourself. You don't deserve to be hurt again. This MM will only cause you pain. You don't need that kind of friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BenThereDunThat Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 Thanks, HN, good to see you back! It doesn't matter anyway. Apparently I've done something to upset him. I thought we were on the road to working on a friendship again. I guess he changed his mind about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 Well thank God for that! Welcome back to our planet, girl! Link to post Share on other sites
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