Is this cheating?

[Confused]

I live with my boyfriend of 4 years and this weekend I let his brother massage my breasts. We had both been drinking but we were both aware of what we were doing. He wanted to do more but I said no, but I did let him feel my naked breasts. I don't know why I let him do it and now I feel incredibly guilty.

 

My boyfriend has always been very adamant that he would leave me if I ever cheated on him. My boyfriend's brother's wife is very jealous and would kill him (and me) if she ever found out, so he has just as much to lose as I would if it ever got out. I don't think he would ever tell as long as I didn't.

 

But it is eating me up inside and I love my boyfriend so much and I would never do anything like this again - I feel like the lowest scum of the earth.

 

Is this cheating? What do I do?

[Ally Boo]

Anything is considered cheating if you wouldn't do it in front of your s.o. So yeah, you cheated. I think you should have a talk with him and let him know how much of a mistake it was, and express disappointment and possible anger in it. I mean OMG how can he come on to his brother's woman? But you are just as much at fault as he is. Just be thankful it didn't go any further. And from now on, avoid being alone with him ever again, and ESPECIALLY being around him when either of you have been drinking. I wouldn't think that you should worry about it getting out per-say, but I seriously think you need to let these guilty feelings come to surface with you, so that you will NEVER do that again to him. He would be livid, period, if he found out that you let any man touch your naked breasts, so just imagine how he'd be if he found out it was his BROTHER who did it? Talk to the brother and STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!

[Tony T]

Allowing the married brother of your boyfriend to fondle your breasts...what a deal? And what were you doing drinking and getting drunk with his brother?

 

By the way, I think your guy's brother is a real scumbag to do what he did.

 

If you tell your boyfriend, he's going to leave you. But I promise you he's going to find out about this because if his brother has such little class he would fondle his brother's girlfriend's breasts, he is classless enough to tell people what he did.

 

I don't think you're going to get out of this very easily but this is how we learn lessons in life. Some of those lessons sting pretty bad.

[Confused]

So you are saying I should tell my boyfriend? Because I am positive he would leave me. He has ALWAYS been firm and clear that if I should ever cheat, he would not give me any second chances - he would be out the door in a second. My boyfriend is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don't want to lose him. I don't even understand why I let his brother touch me at all.

 

I will definitely set things straight with my boyfriend's brother, and I will tell him that nothing like that will ever happen again.

[Tony T]

What I am saying is that you don't have to say a word. You have my unconditional guarantee he will find out. Maybe his brother won't tell him (unless he gets drunk) but somebody he tells (either when he's drunk or sober) will tell your boyfriend.

 

Whether you tell him or not, he's going to find out from somebody and it will be over. It could take a few days or it could take a few months.

 

YOU WRITE: "My boyfriend is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don't want to lose him."

 

If you didn't want to lose him, you wouldn't have allowed this to happen.

 

So it's totally up to you, whether you tell him and let it end now...or you let him find out on his own. Sup to you!!!

 

YOU ALSO WRITE: "I don't even understand why I let his brother touch me at all."

 

If you let men massage your breasts without knowing why, you should seek psychological counselling on an emergency basis.

[Ally Boo]

You don't let someone touch your breasts for no reason....maybe you were starving for attention that you bf isn't giving you?? Where was your bf when all of this was happening anyway??

[Confused]

Ally, I guess I just liked to be touched. I can't think of any other reason I'd do something so stupid. My bf was at his brother's house with me, but at the time he was elsewhere.

 

I have always been starved for attention from men. Maybe it was because my father was a workaholic and I rarely saw him. But in my memory, I have always loved having men give me attention. I thought when I met my fiancee I had found the one for me, and this wouldn't happen anymore. But I liked the attention...s**t, maybe I'm just destined to be alone.

 

I called my bf's brother and told him I was really upset about this and he broke down and told me how sorry he was too. He will be in as much trouble as I am if the truth comes out. He would like to never mention this again and let it go. What should we do?

[Bill]

"I'd rather you hate me for telling you the truth, then have you love me for telling you lies."

 

Some actions/lies can be forgiven, but this so happens to not be one of them. There was no good reason to do this. If a girlfriend of mine ever did this, I'd leave immediately, as there could not have been a good intention under all of this.

 

If you do not tell your boyfriend about this, you might as well forget about the trust issue of your relationship. You are not as close as you thought. He will be falsely believing in you. The truth will set you free. It will be worse if it is found out later.

[yes]

i dont think its such a HUGE deal... just don't do it again!

its not like u slept with him...

 

i think the bigger deal is - are u really happy w/ yr bf? perhaps u still need to be out there dating, getting attention, until u dont feel attention-deprived anymore?

 

also, if my bf told me he'd leave the second i cheat, i'd find it weird - what, he wdn't even try to see why i did it and what not?...

 

anyway, i think this incident should get u thinking about yr r/s. otherwise, rubbing boobs aint a huge deal, i believe. just DO NOT do it again. not until ur free again.

 

-yes

[velvet]

If you love him so much you wouldn't not have let this happen. You knew it would destroy your r/s but was caught in the moment. Who says you wouldn't do it again? Not you!

 

You could try and keep it a secret or you can say something. Either loose or lie. Do what you think is right, unselfish, and best for the sake of your r/s.

[BeReal]

Look into why you felt the need to do this so it doesn't happen again. You feel that he will leave you if he finds out. If you decide to live with the guilt and not tell him, my only concerns are that he will eventually find out and leave you a year or years from now after you have invested all that time in him. If that was the case, wouldn't you rather have it happen now? My other concern is that you are not right for each other and so he is not providing the attention you need. So, you will cheat again. If you just have an unfulfillable need for attention, then get some help.

[AcidReflux]

I'm faithful to Ally because I don't want anyone else. Since I have been with her I have had many women want me to be wtih them. Old girlfriends etc. My friend Rob says "it's because they can smell happiness". Anyways, I'm starved for attention too. I just wait until Ally gets home and I get some. And she wonders why I'm always ready. If your boyfriend was in the house with you why didn't you seek him out. I am with Ally because I dont' want anyone else. I wanted her to move in because I didn't want her to go home every night.

 

My strategy is to never do anything that I would have to explain to Ally. The very worst thing she could do to me would be to look at me different because I didn't something to hurt her. She could leave me tomorrow if that is what she thought she needed to do. I want her to be happy and if I can't make her happy then she needs to find someone who can. I'm not worried about Ally leaving, I'm worried I'll do something that dissapoints her. That would kill me.

 

My advice is to make your peace with God, and keep your mouth shut and don't drink anymore.

 

Acid

[jimthzz]

So, how would you feel if your sister (for the sake of argument you have one) massaged your boyfriend's penis one night?

 

Now mind you, they were drunk and let's even say he didn't climax from that.

 

Would you feel as though both your sister and your husband betrayed you?

[Ally Boo]

GOOD POINT, JIMTHZZ!!!!!!

[jimthzz]

Yeah, she knows she did wrong.

 

I hope I didn't confuse by writing boyfriend on one line and husband on the other.

 

My point is if you let someone touch yourt intimate parts, and yes, female breasts are considered intimate parts, you are cheating.

 

Hell, just being in a situation where you entertain the idea of letting someone other than your boyrfriend touch your breasts, bare or clothed, you are cheating.

 

I didn't know that this concept was so hard to figure out.

 

I know for sure that i was massaging some gal's breasts that I was then and there cheating on my wife!

 

Not only that, even just massaging her bare back would be cheating.

 

Why?

 

Because of the sexual context involved for both parties.

[MercyRose]

Much as honesty is a good thing, sometimes it is not the best policy. If owning up to a mistake you made whilst drunk is going to ruin your relationship then do not tell. Leave it up to fate.

 

If your bf finds out another way, then you can say the relationship wasn't meant to be. There is no point ruining it yourself.

 

Everybody has double standards about honesty. I don't think there is a person on this planet that has never lied for some reason or another.

 

Nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes. Don't judge yourself by other peoples standards. As long as you know not to do it again you have learned something from this experience. Now all thats left is to forgive yourself.

[jimthzz]

I don't agree, you should not be leaving this type of information to come out solely at the whim of drunken behavior!

 

What are yo going to do when, without self-reflection on yor behavior and its impact on your loved ones, you get drunk again and let another guy (or the brother) fondle your tits again. Or worse, since the risky illicit thing seems to be a turn on for you, you let the guy touch your foo-foo?

 

Do you owe anything to your boyfriend in the way of, you know, honesty?

 

Do you owe yourself anything, you know, self respect?

 

If you really want to move past this "incident" you need to confront the honesty and respect angle head on.

 

Otherwise, you ought not be in a committed relationship.

 

I mean, think of it, if you were single you can have whomever you want fondle your breasts with no guilty feelings whatsoever.

 

It could be liberating for you.

 

There is a price for each course of behavior you decide to take. Just don't blur them together ok?

[Confused]

In each of the threads people post here, there is more to the story than can really be explained. I have no real explanation for why I did this or why I let this happen. All I can say is, once my brain turned back on after its momentary lapse, I felt a huge wave of guilt and remorse overwhelm me. I immediately pushed his brother away and got away from him. All I can do is dwell on what happened and everytime my boyfriend looks at me I want to fall apart.

 

I will never EVER EVER do anything like this again. None of this is my b/f's fault - it isn't that he isn't giving me enough attention, etc. This was a very stupid thing to do - but I wouldn't dream of doing it again.

 

Thank you all so much for your help & advice.

 

ACIDREFLUX - I understand how you feel about Ally. From what I have read to me and others, I think you are very lucky.

 

MERCYROSE - Thank you.

[jimthzz]

I am glad you are remorseful about your actions.

 

But you've left unstated just what you are going to tell your boyfriend. Also left unaddressed is the slug-like boyfriend's brother who likely will be trying for more contact with you.

 

Will he he tell his brother if you do not repeat things with him?

 

You worry that your boyfriend may leave you if he finds out abot this cheating episode.

 

Valid worry, but there are so many loose ends here. Merely moving on and never saying anything about this is really a bad idea because the episode will rear its big green-eyed monster of a head sooner or later--and maybe not of your own bidding.

 

BTW, do you think you can give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt? He may be a stronger man about this than you think.

[Ally Boo]

I like Mercy Rose's advice. Let it go, and if it comes out, then it wasn't meant to be. We already know you won't let it happen again, and I believe you when you say it.

[quankanne]

at this point, you don't know if your BF considers the groping thing a serious kind of "cheating," or what, but I guarantee, it'd be much better for you to break that news to him than him having to hear it from his cousin, who doesn't sound like a very decent kind of guy.

 

Chances are, if you explain to your BF that you're very upset by the idea of his cousin coming on to you (despite what's been posted before, it sounds to me that the guy took advantage of the situation), you're going to find out that your BF prolly doesn't trust the guy to begin with. If the guilt's still eating at you, he's going to sense it, and so's the cousin, who might just use it to his advantage.

[Cadydid5]

yes- t is cheating b/c basically- cheating is doing anything physical w/ smeone else you wouldn't want your partner doing. however, if you think you can live with this, don't say anything, resolve it for yourself, and never do it again. had you kissed or anything more i might answer differently. :-)

[Bill]

Just like in engineering... if we can't explain why it happens, how can we stop it? There's a reason for EVERYTHING. You just need to find your reason. Maybe you were feeling lonely, sad, or just depressed. You need to sort this out so it doesn't happen again.

[Justine]

I can't believe how many conservative control freaks there are on this site!! I like the advice of yes and mercyrose. It was a mistake, now MOVE ON. I mean what's the point of beating yourself up over a drunken mistake? There doesn't always have to be some deep psychological problem for someone to cheat. Alcohol just makes us more receptive to stupid, immediately gratifying acts. I don't personally know many men who would turn down a hand job from someone after a night drinking. Especially if they felt close to the person.

 

I wouldn't pay attention to those who are looking at things retrospectively. You have acknowledged that it was a mistake, a moment of weakness. You have learnt your 'lesson', if one believes in such things, so now all you have to do is forgive yourself for being human. Never tell your boyfriend about this, it will ruin your relationship for no good reason. And no matter what Tony says, there are NO guarantees in life and I would be more inclined to think that as someone with a vested interest in keeping things quiet, this guy won't breathe a word about it. Everyone has skeletons in the closet. It's over now babe, get on with your life.

[Ally Boo]

If you are in a close deep relationship with someone for 4 years, you have a special understanding with each other. And for someone to break that in any sober or drunken state is intentionally hurting that person who is the closest to you...especially with it being the brother made it even worse.

It is a proven fact....being drunk only lets you do the things you would otherwise not have the courage to do sober.

I have been drunk my share of times, and I will say that if I am truely in love, even drunk, I think about them and how much I love them and would NEVER hurt them like that.

If it had been any person it might be a little different....but when you "cheat" with a family member as close as a brother, you might as well rip the heart out of the person and let them watch you put it in a blender. I know this, because it's happened to me.

If he means as much to you as you say he does, I'd probably just drop it. It seems to me like the bro is sincere about not letting it get out, and if it does....then I would consider it not meant to be.