Is this cheating?

[quankanne]

because we understand the repercussions of something like this?

 

yes, a person can make a bad judgment call, esp. when alcohol is involved -- I don't think anyone's refuting that. But it's obvious that this is tearing her up. If she didn't give a rat's rump about her BF, she wouldn't be posting on this forum!

 

most of us can identify with her wanting to put it behind her, but still having the willies about the whole incident. What worries me is having a loose thread, namely, the cousin who groped her. And I think it worries her, too. Is he going to be a gentleman about this and just drop the whole issue? Or will he let it "slip" to see how the BF reacts? What happens when her boyfriend finds out? This is very worrisome when you build a relationship on trust and respect.

 

you also say she needs to forgive herself for being human ... being human also means caring enought about someone else to want to understand what they feel, not just looking out only for yourself.

[Ally Boo]

I think being drunk is a really bad excuse. I made a mistake being drunk before, but I did it because I WANTED to do it....and the alcohol just took my conscience away. I didn't do it because I had no control over my body. I did it because it being wrong didn't matter to me anymore....I KNEW I would regret it the next morning, but at the time I didn't care. I MADE THE DECISION NOT TO CARE. I LET MYSELF GET CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT, AND I DID IT.

When you get drunk, you do not lose control of your body. It's not like your brain is just taken out of your body. Come ON, don't fool yourself!

[jimthzz]

Man, Justin you have it wrong.

 

I'll give you a scenario from my own life experience about the impact of infidelity, an infidelity long suppressed.

 

When I and my then fiance got married back in 1980 i had no reason to doubt her fidelity and love.

 

I plain did not occur to me that this young women i loved so deeply, who i thought shared this very same emotion with me had already been unfaithfu to me in the short months leading up to our marriage.

 

She never told me about it.

 

So we go on to raise a family and make a life.

 

But something was always wrong in our lives together, something I was not aware of. She kept this piece of her hidden from me and then betrayed me again at least once 15 years later.

 

Over the years she kept accusing me of infidelities with no basis.

 

When she finally was caught, and admitted to her later infidelity, to my anguished surprise she also admitted to the one that opccurred before we married.

 

It took a decade and ahalf for her to tell me about it, but tell me about it she did.

 

She robbed me of the chance to make a choice about whether to marry her based on who she is, someone who can cheat, has cheated, and may cheat again.

 

You may think it conservative and control-freaking to have wanted the truth from her, to know what i was up against, but I do not believe that.

 

 

it would have been a lot easier on all concerned to have decided to walk away from her or to decide to work on her ending this part of her personality long before we had kids or her giving me both Chlamydia and HPV (genital warts) as the result of her unfaithfulness.

 

So leaving out the huge, huge emotional impact of her cheating ways, just the selfish angle of not wanting to have this in my life and now unable to do so, is enough for me.

 

She should tell her guy what transpired.

 

So WHAT if he might leave her and her life changes dramatically.

 

Effin A, it has already.

[Ally Boo]

I hope you read and re-read that post, right now she's scared of losing him, so of course she'll say she'll never do it again....but there is a reason why these things happen. She was not getting her needs met by her bf. Cheating has been described as a twisted way of trying to keep a relationship together....they don't want to break up with their s.o. so instead they get their needs met by someone else...and keep peace with the relationship. It's not right and it doesn't work. And what a heartless person you must be, Justine to think that cheating isn't such a big deal. And I can only assume that you must cheat on all of your mates and are incapable of opening your heart. This has made me SO sick.

[Stormdesire]

Yes that was cheating, if your boyfriend did it to you wouldint you think it was, i think it was just a silly, stupid thing you did and we all do dumb things from time to time. JUST DONT LET IT HAPPIN AGAIN BECOUSE IF IT DOES, THEN WE ALL KNOW IT WASINT A MISTAKE BUT SOMETHING YOU WILLINGLY DID. DONT DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOOD RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD TO COME BY NOWADAYS !!!!!

[Cadydid5]

ally i'm going to have to disagree with you, and quakanne (sp?) agree with you. being drunk is not a complete excuse but it is a proven fact that alcohol removes inhibitions, allowing you to make bad decisions b/c you don't think about the repercussions, even if you know what you are doing at the time, you're not really aware of teh pros and cons.

 

anyways- she f-ed up. she knows it, it doesn't mean there is any deep yearning for someone else or core problems in their relationship.

whoever it was that made the statements about being human and recognizing that, you're right on. we have to forgive ourselves, and move on.

 

girl, you'll be fine, just love your man as much as ever, realize you're not perfect, and learn from your mistakes.

[jimthzz]

seriously, if the advice is to just move on and never do it again, what happens the next time she drinks and some persistent guy admires her breasts?

[Cadydid5]

thats where the phrase "learn from your mistakes" comes from. that would enable her to deal w/ those situations, duh.

[jimthzz]

I don't think a lot of people really do learn from their mistakes in some vague "everybody knows that" oh duh fashion.

 

I think they need specific scenarios spelled out.

[Cadydid5]

it was spelled out- if she's at a party and another guy... yada yada yada.... she knows the guilt now, has realized waht a stupid thing is was to do, and LEARNING form your mistakes means being able to remember how you felt and apply it to new situations. good enough?

[jimthzz]

But I've not seen her write down that she'd not be drinking at parties chatting up men.

 

She's only said that she'd never do "that" again.

 

But what does it mean to say this?

 

is she saying she won't be drinking with men anymore? That she won't go to parties anymore?

 

Or that she is fine drinking with men at parties but somehow she has a magic shield that fixes her thinking while drunk at parties?

[Confused]

jimthzz...I don't need specific scenarios spelled out for me. While I made ONE mistake, this doesn't mean I'll make it again.

 

I'm 25 years old - I'm not about to lie to myself or anyone else by saying I'll never drink again or will never to go parties again.

 

I NEVER EVER (read the original post again) blamed the alcohol for this. I mentioned that we had both been drinking but were both aware of what we were doing.

 

I wasn't "chatting up men"...I was drinking with a lot of other family members at a family member's house and happened to get caught in a bad situation with my future brother-in-law. I didn't think that this person would do anything - I had no fears about talking with him, being in the same area with him, etc. Who, in a regular situation, would fear their brother-in-law?

 

My "magic shield" is the memory of all the guilt, shame and torment that I have felt since that moment. Staying away from my bf's brother is also a major goal for me...and now that my bf knows why I am avoiding him, it will be much easier.

 

No one else here knows all the details into the story, nor my whole life, my relationship with my bf and my close friendship with my bf's brother (up until now, at least). It isn't something I can quickly or easily explain - and it isn't necessary.

 

Thank you, those who gave helpful advice and criticism.

[jimthzz]

but my intent is good. I hope you take my words in that spirit.

 

I hope you do move forward and grow from this episode to a better place.

 

That said. your original posting made no mention of a big family-members party. You also have yet to describe your entire feelings about that episode and the things that led up to it.

 

If I were to venture a guess, you found this brother-in-law's attentions sexually stimulating and liked the massage on one level.

 

When you realized the enormity of what that illicit pleasurable sensations meant you broke off the sexual contact.

 

Part of your torment has to do with your inability to admit this to yourself. And I am sure you are horror-struck at the prospect of your man internalizing this realization as well.

 

Yes, I can be irriating stating such things, but I think I strike a nerve because it's the truth.

 

Certainly you will not be repeating that type of episode again, of that it seems likely.

 

But please, if you refer to what happened as just a mistake you run the risk of trivializing your actions. trust me, those actions were not trivial.

 

But you know that and will be trying your best to not just never stoop to that place again, but to strive for the best your can be, not just for your husband, but for yourself.

 

Good luck.

[Cadydid5]

i posted asking for advice and i realized something that we all need to keep in mind- people only know what you write, therefore they will fill in the blanks w/ assumptions. their advice is based only on that, they don't know the history of the situation, or how the aftermath of events has really been. jimthzz you don't know what the truth is, b/c you're not in her shoes... all you can do is guess. i remind you of this not to disrespect you, just to help you remember that sometimes it doens't hurt to give people the benefit of the doubt, and know that you can't possibly know what they know, only what they tell.

[jimthzz]

But that's all we can do in any discussion, either here in person.

 

If she chooses not to fill in the blanks as you call them, all we can do is go on what we know about people and her words.

 

My gut tells me I'm spot-on as to how it played out.

 

Of course, that's just me filling in the blanks.