To all BW/BH...

[Trialbyfire]

Word of advice to the betrayed. Best way to deal with these types of triangular affairs is to bust it wide open until you've gained lost ground. Part of the appeal of an affair is the secrecy and the ability to keep it that way. If you can get all three parties in the same room, that is a dream come true. Why keep it a secret?

[Freedom Now]

I agree. As an xOW, I would love to be in the same room as them and get all the facts out on the table.

 

The lies he told about me are incredible. I would love to enlighten her about me, our relationship, and the affair. After all, SHE doesn't know that he told me he wasn't married....I am sure there is alot she doesn't know. As I am sure there is alot I don't know...

 

I would imagine if that ever happened, she and I would be the only ones left standing.

 

[Trialbyfire]

lol, I agree. The sheer volume of lies are phenomenal. I would hope that the OW would also want to know how many lies were told to her, although somehow I doubt that most do. Most affairs live on Fantasy Island...

[movinon05]

Personally, I never "enjoyed" the secrecy. I wanted it out on the table. So did she. Unfortunately, we both listened to his little lies. If it was on the table and we confronted him together, I wouldn't have had all those years of my life wasted.

 

Bah. He's all hers now.

[Freedom Now]

Me neither. I hated being his dark little secret. Hated being the OW. It didn't suit me.

 

I would relish a chance to finally air everything out.

 

Somehow I don't think he would enjoy it much. Oh well....

 

Onward and upward.

[Trialbyfire]

Sounds like you never wanted to be a true OW. When people fall out of love with each other, I have no issues with the parting. It's the lies of an affair that are completely destructive.

[Freedom Now]

Oh, I loved him. Make no mistake about that. But you are right. I didn't want to ever be an OW. He made me one without my knowledge. But in spite of that, I walked away anyway. And it was hard. It is hard leaving someone you love.

 

His wife abhors me but I somehow think that if she knew the whole truth, her anger would be directed at him. For she believes me to be a lying, sneaky, homewrecking seductress that set out to steal her husband.

 

Little does she know that I didn't even know she existed.

 

It's the lies of these relationships that are completely destructive. To everyone....

 

except for the MM who keeps them going. Pits one woman against the other.

 

I agree. Getting all three in the same room would answer alot of questions both women would have.

[Trialbyfire]

Then it would be advantageous for both BW and OW to sit down and have a discussion. When looking at destructive behaviour like an affair, the only one that wins is the man in the middle. This is my main problem when the OW protects men like this and choose instead to "protect" their piece of the man.

[bonehead]

Then it would be advantageous for both BW and OW to sit down and have a discussion. When looking at destructive behaviour like an affair, the only one that wins is the man in the middle. This is my main problem when the OW protects men like this and choose instead to "protect" their piece of the man.

 

actually even in my situation I would have to agree with all of you, but honestly with all the emotions involved I think it would back fire.

[Freedom Now]

You would have to have this encounter when the OW was safely away from the MM for a period of time and who has gotten her head screwed back on straight.

 

Only then would it work. For if the affair is still going on, she won't come within a mile of the BW. She will protect her MM. It ensures the continuation of the affair.

[bonehead]

You would have to have this encounter when the OW was safely away from the MM for a period of time and who has gotten her head screwed back on straight.

 

Only then would it work. For if the affair is still going on, she won't come within a mile of the BW. She will protect her MM. It ensures the continuation of the affair.

 

Then on that same thought wouldnt you have to do it after a period on NC with all three parties?

 

Because you truly would have to have this be an unemotional meeting.

[bonehead]

The BS is going to do everything to save the marriage

 

The OP is going to do everything to continue the A

 

The WS is going to do everything to cover their a*s

[Trialbyfire]

actually even in my situation I would have to agree with all of you, but honestly with all the emotions involved I think it would back fire.

I'm not sure about the back fire. I'm getting over this thing much faster because I got the opportunity to my have it out with the OW and was able to empower myself with due knowledge.

[bonehead]

I'm not sure about the back fire. I'm getting over this thing much faster because I got the opportunity to my have it out with the OW and was able to empower myself with due knowledge.

 

but depending on what he told OW, having it out with her may have fed the lies.

[Trialbyfire]

I see no need to have an unemotional meeting. Raw emotions on the table forces people see it from the other perspective.

[Freedom Now]

No, in your situation, you made a decision and stuck by it.

 

I am talking about when the MM is still actively having the affair or if he is actively pursuing the OW in spite of D day.

 

The clincher is that the OW has got to be at the point where she isn't interested in being a side to the triangle. So, in this situation, the wife has the right to know answers if she chooses to stay in the marriage. The only way that would happen is if the xOW is willing to share the truth with her.

 

The MM in the situations I am speaking of will NEVER tell the entire truth. It is up to the women to find it. Together.

 

But they must be on the same side. If the OW wants the MM, and the wife wants the MM, it won't work.

 

They would both be against each other. It would seem that the OW must be detached and be willing to be honest with the BW.

 

I could be that woman now, but I couldn't have been a few months ago. It was too fresh for me.

[Trialbyfire]

but depending on what he told OW, having it out with her may have fed the lies.

Oh no. Actually, he never fed her any lies. Only me...

 

*edit - actually, thinking about it a little more, he did feed her some lies. Nvm.

[movinon05]

You would have to have this encounter when the OW was safely away from the MM for a period of time and who has gotten her head screwed back on straight.

 

Only then would it work. For if the affair is still going on, she won't come within a mile of the BW. She will protect her MM. It ensures the continuation of the affair.

 

I think these situations vary. BW asked me if we could all sit down and talk. I said fine. MM said no. Thing is, he didn't want all of his lies being thrown at him from two different women. He would've been dead in the water.

 

But I had conversations on the phone with her where she would tell me things he said. I knew some of them were lies, and yes I did protect him. But other things, I never knew if she was telling me the truth. And I know for a fact she told him lies about me and what I said. So I would never have had a sit down conversation between just her and I. I would've been happy to tell her the truth if I knew she was telling me the truth, but she was determined to destroy us and even destroy my relationship with my children.

 

Now, if she came to me today, she'd get the whole truth, nothing but the truth. Because I don't have an investment anymore. If she wanted the truth, she'd get it.

[bonehead]

Oh no. Actually, he never fed her any lies. Only me...

 

Then thats a rarity

[Trialbyfire]

How can you want someone so badly, knowing they are committed elsewhere?

[movinon05]

The BS is going to do everything to save the marriage

 

The OP is going to do everything to continue the A

 

The WS is going to do everything to cover their a*s

 

I think the OP is going to make the WS make a decision. Not necessarily continue the A. (at least in my situation).

[Freedom Now]

I think these situations vary. BW asked me if we could all sit down and talk. I said fine. MM said no. Thing is, he didn't want all of his lies being thrown at him from two different women. He would've been dead in the water.

 

But I had conversations on the phone with her where she would tell me things he said. I knew some of them were lies, and yes I did protect him. But other things, I never knew if she was telling me the truth. And I know for a fact she told him lies about me and what I said. So I would never have had a sit down conversation between just her and I. I would've been happy to tell her the truth if I knew she was telling me the truth, but she was determined to destroy us and even destroy my relationship with my children.

 

Now, if she came to me today, she'd get the whole truth, nothing but the truth. Because I don't have an investment anymore. If she wanted the truth, she'd get it.

 

Good point. I would only meet with her if her intentions are not to destroy me. I am detached from the situation so I would be honest. But if she lied to me to hurt me, it wouldn't work.

 

Such a highly charged situation.

 

But if she called me today and asked for the entire truth, she would get it. And I would be kind to her. She deserves that.

 

And she deserves the truth.

 

And she isn't gonna get it from him.

 

That's for sure.

[Trialbyfire]

I think these situations vary. BW asked me if we could all sit down and talk. I said fine. MM said no. Thing is, he didn't want all of his lies being thrown at him from two different women. He would've been dead in the water.

 

But I had conversations on the phone with her where she would tell me things he said. I knew some of them were lies, and yes I did protect him. But other things, I never knew if she was telling me the truth. And I know for a fact she told him lies about me and what I said. So I would never have had a sit down conversation between just her and I. I would've been happy to tell her the truth if I knew she was telling me the truth, but she was determined to destroy us and even destroy my relationship with my children.

 

Now, if she came to me today, she'd get the whole truth, nothing but the truth. Because I don't have an investment anymore. If she wanted the truth, she'd get it.

It would be worthwhile to have all three in a conversation. The whole truth and nothing but. All three can keep each other honest.

[Trialbyfire]

Then thats a rarity

Refer to my edit. I thought about it a little more and realized that wasn't completely accurate. There were little lies about the state of our relationship.

[bonehead]

Refer to my edit. I thought about it a little more and realized that wasn't completely accurate. There were little lies about the state of our relationship.

 

 

Little lies are still lies that can be fed