Author Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Author Share Posted December 28, 2006 That goes for the W's too...some don't want to know what their H is up to because that means that they would have to deal with it... GEL, what exactly is your point? That people want to hide? That some people benefit from the secrecy of the lying and cheating in an affair? It's up to people what choices they make in life and accept responsibility for their actions. For me, honesty and disclosure are key. It takes all kinds... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 GEL, what exactly is your point? That people want to hide? That some people benefit from the secrecy of the lying and cheating in an affair? It's up to people what choices they make in life and accept responsibility for their actions. For me, honesty and disclosure are key. It takes all kinds... I think I made my point clearly...you seem to think that everyone thinks like you and they don't... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Author Share Posted December 28, 2006 I think I made my point clearly...you seem to think that everyone thinks like you and they don't... I can only say that I find it hard to believe a thing you say because you have a vested interest in supporting the lying and the cheating in an affair. There's healthy and there's sneaking around.. I have started a thread to discuss full disclosure for an even playing field. Let's get back on topic, shall we? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 I can only say that I find it hard to believe a thing you say because you have a vested interest in supporting the lying and the cheating in an affair. There's healthy and there's sneaking around.. I have started a thread to discuss full disclosure for an even playing field. Let's get back on topic, shall we? You seem to like to tell people what to do...and when you don't like what they have to say, you decide it's irrelevant...this is a public forum and I'll discuss my thoughts as I choose... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Author Share Posted December 28, 2006 You seem to like to tell people what to do...and when you don't like what they have to say, you decide it's irrelevant...this is a public forum and I'll discuss my thoughts as I choose... And you're very sly and insiduous. The perfect OW. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 It appears as though you MUST have the last word... I disagree with you...you can think what you like, but that doesn't make it TRUE... And that's all I have to say about that... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 I'll have last word for both of ya's...Take to PM mode and discuss it in private. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Author Share Posted December 28, 2006 And the same holds true for me. I don't agree with your perspectives or your sly, furtive methodology. The last words actions that you are accusing me of are exactly what you're doing yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Author Share Posted December 28, 2006 I'll have last word for both of ya's...Take to PM mode and discuss it in private. Nope, not interested in discussing it further. I feel slimed. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 That goes for the W's too...some don't want to know what their H is up to because that means that they would have to deal with it... Threads about this pop up all the time in the infidelity section, and they always come to the same thing: the BS wants to know. I agree that not everyone thinks the same, but in all honesty, GEL, I've yet to see a single spouse on here - or know someone in real life, for that matter - who says they WOULDN'T want to know. I'm sure there are exceptions, but wanting to know is the norm. Aside from their own MMs' Ws (which, I think it must be acknowledged, some OWs may have a vested interest in believing would rather remain in the dark) does anyone actually *know* someone - among their own friends or family or acquaintances - who would simply rather not know? Because I personally don't. Ws are people too. Think about it this way. If you'd want to know, she probably does, too. It's as simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 If she senses the affair, it is eating away at her. And, yes, she has a right to have her questions answered. Not the incredibly painful ones that will do her no good. No need to discuss your sex life and things of that nature. But the meat of the affair....yes. She, IF SHE DESIRES THE TRUTH, is entitled to it. She should be allowed to navigate in her world armed with knowledge. It just isn't fair to leave her in dark if she is asking for you to shine a light.... I guess the million dollar question is this: If any of US were the BS, would we want the truth or would we want to be shielded from it all? In my case, painful as it would be, I would want the truth. Then I could make an INFORMED decision. Well I'd like to know the truth too. Fact is that not everyone wants to hear the truth, and since her H has already pre-emptively and directly lied about what's been going on, there's a chance that she'll believe him over AP. Perhaps AP's husband could do the telling, however, and that will make all the difference..? Hard to say, and it's up to AP whether she thinks it's in her best interest (and the interests of her marriage) to let her neighbour know what's happened. Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted December 29, 2006 Share Posted December 29, 2006 Trial By Fire: since you started this thread I would ask if any of these responses were meaningful? Were you seeking answers that would be meaninful in a general discussion or meaningful to you, personally? You have expressed your opinion via your personal ethics and have heard other via theres'. Pretty much everyone has chimed in and you have given a response. What EXACTLY do you WANT? Just curious... Should every OW/OM now pick up the phone and tell every BS that their MP has been having an affair? Should these conversations be filled with dates, times, hotel room numbers, etc? Should OP let these spouses know what color panties they wore? WHAT is your agenda? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2006 Author Share Posted December 29, 2006 My agenda is to promote open, honest communication. I abhor the secrecy and the illictness of affairs. From the comments from some OW, there's severe damage all around. I'd like to see more threads where the OW/OM the Betrayed wife/husband communicate clearly. In threads of this nature, there will be moments of high emotion but overall, I see this thread in a more positive light. An opportunity to communicate and perhaps shed some light on why people do it and the damage it can wreak on all parties. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 29, 2006 Share Posted December 29, 2006 Trial By Fire: since you started this thread I would ask if any of these responses were meaningful? Were you seeking answers that would be meaninful in a general discussion or meaningful to you, personally? You have expressed your opinion via your personal ethics and have heard other via theres'. Pretty much everyone has chimed in and you have given a response. What EXACTLY do you WANT? Just curious... Should every OW/OM now pick up the phone and tell every BS that their MP has been having an affair? Should these conversations be filled with dates, times, hotel room numbers, etc? Should OP let these spouses know what color panties they wore? WHAT is your agenda? Puddle, I agree. What exactly is the point of this thread? Lots of posters have chimed in, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere for the OP. What was the goal of this thread? And it doesn't seem to have anything to do with damage. A Guest posted earlier that they have never met anyone that didn't want to know. Hi there. I am one of the very few people who didn't want to know. Somethings hurt too much to know. Its not that I don't like to deal with things. I am a problem solver by nature. But I don't do emotions well at all (mine or others'). And this thing just about broke me down completely. I would want to know in the future though. But I see no point in a sit down with all the parties involved - too emotional. It seems that a lot of OW think that the W doesn't want to know because of some sort of relational apathy - like she doesn't care about her H or the M. But that is not the case for most. I didn't want to know because I didn't think that I could handle it. My H knows my deepest, darkest and most painful life experiences, and that he could create yet another for me would just about destroy me. But it didn't. I know that now, but I didn't know that another trauma wouldn't be the end of me (my sanity, at least) before. To have another woman tell me things about my H that were going on under my nose, though, could cause her to be broken. LOL!! (sorry for the violence folks, but I'm honest LOL) Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted December 29, 2006 Share Posted December 29, 2006 My agenda is to promote open, honest communication. I abhor the secrecy and the illictness of affairs. From the comments from some OW, there's severe damage all around. I'd like to see more threads where the OW/OM the Betrayed wife/husband communicate clearly. In threads of this nature, there will be moments of high emotion but overall, I see this thread in a more positive light. An opportunity to communicate and perhaps shed some light on why people do it and the damage it can wreak on all parties. So this is about what YOU abhor and what YOU expect> what about what others would want or need? Is it completely up to YOU to decide this or do any of us have a right to decide for ourselves? So, if I may ask, have yourself, your husband and mistress had such a talk? Or you, the MM and his wife had such a talk? How did that work out? Did all parties figure out why it happened and did it shed any light or why pain was reaked upon all parties? If so could you offer any of us who are struggling a tid bit? Does anyone in the (your personal) triangle feel any better? Has anyone moved forward? Just curious since you abhor anything less than dishonesty and would never become secret as to feelings... then by all means don't keep your stich a secret and do PLEASE let us know how doing what you suggest might help everyone else...via your own example. Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted December 29, 2006 Share Posted December 29, 2006 Puddle - I just love you. -BTDT Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2006 Author Share Posted December 29, 2006 So this is about what YOU abhor and what YOU expect> what about what others would want or need? Is it completely up to YOU to decide this or do any of us have a right to decide for ourselves? So, if I may ask, have yourself, your husband and mistress had such a talk? Or you, the MM and his wife had such a talk? How did that work out? Did all parties figure out why it happened and did it shed any light or why pain was reaked upon all parties? If so could you offer any of us who are struggling a tid bit? Does anyone in the (your personal) triangle feel any better? Has anyone moved forward? Just curious since you abhor anything less than dishonesty and would never become secret as to feelings... then by all means don't keep your stich a secret and do PLEASE let us know how doing what you suggest might help everyone else...via your own example. My...that was useful. Plenty of pain and plenty of healing, far faster than the dragging out that most of you experience for years and years and years. The truth hurts but at the end of the day, the best thing ever. You just can't beat honesty. Hide behind your illusions if it makes you happy. Me, I need the truth and so do many others. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 sorry wrong post Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Word of advice to the betrayed. Best way to deal with these types of triangular affairs is to bust it wide open until you've gained lost ground. Part of the appeal of an affair is the secrecy and the ability to keep it that way. If you can get all three parties in the same room, that is a dream come true. Why keep it a secret? Always, and I do mean ALWAYS..Do a quick background check on the person that you are serious about or about to be serious about. Don't take it for granted that ANYONE is telling the truth these days!!! It can be done on the internet and costs very little. At the very least, ASK QUESTIONS!!! If something seems fishy and your gut tells you something is not quite right, then something is definately NOT right! Trust your gut! I really don't agree with the busting it wide open thing; although I do agree that the BS has the right to know. Why humiliate everyone to do this? An anonymous letter would suffice...If the OW and W want to get together and compare notes, then that's their choice. BUT, it needs to be left up to them...They shouldn't be forced into it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Always, and I do mean ALWAYS..Do a quick background check on the person that you are serious about or about to be serious about. Don't take it for granted that ANYONE is telling the truth these days!!! It can be done on the internet and costs very little. At the very least, ASK QUESTIONS!!! If something seems fishy and your gut tells you something is not quite right, then something is definately NOT right! Trust your gut! I really don't agree with the busting it wide open thing; although I do agree that the BS has the right to know. Why humiliate everyone to do this? An anonymous letter would suffice...If the OW and W want to get together and compare notes, then that's their choice. BUT, it needs to be left up to them...They shouldn't be forced into it... No one can force anything. It's just not humanly possible without illegal means. Link to post Share on other sites
elmejor Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 I knew you wouldn't disappoint me and not show up. Welcome back toy OW. I can do whatever I want to you because you always personally attack first. You remind me of another member. Perhaps I should mention this to a mod and have them check IP addresses. Either you're one and the same or you're being whistled for... Do you enjoy dancing to someone else's tune? Methinks you need to reread the whole thread to understand my perspectives and what I'm trying to communicate. If you're still having difficulty following the gist of the thread, I'm certain I can type a little slower just for you. If that doesn't help, I can't make you grasp the English language but would highly recommend remedial reading courses. YOU can "do whatever you want" to me?? Dream on Buttercup, you are delusional. And no, I do not need to reread the entire thread, to "understand your perspectives." They are not as important as you seem to think. I take exception to your aggressive attacks toward OW in the OW/OM SUPPORT forum. Do you understand yet? Do you always make a habit of insinuating yourself where you do not belong? This is just some "truth" for you, which you claim you need. lol! Link to post Share on other sites
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