I Need My Wife

[garvis]

I'm really confused right now. I could use an opinion or two.

 

I have been dealing with depression over the past month or two. I've posted regarding this before. But I'm feeling better (mostly from the meds), but I still feel sad and empty inside. I really, really, really need to feel some love and affection from my wife. I've told her this on several occasions. But the fact is I want her to want to be affectionate with me. I know it would help me feel a little better. It's not the solution, but it would be nice. She's never been the type to show much affection, but it drives me mad that she's not making much of an effort to be near me even after telling her what I would like. She's drinking quite a bit also. When she does this, she has a tendency to say somewhat revealing things...but it doesn't ever make sense. When I ask for clarification, she abruptly switches topics. For example, last night she said, "I can't hug you because I like you". I have no idea what the really means.

 

I should also mention she does become affectionate when she's been drinking, but that really turns me off. And it makes me angry inside. She knows she drinks more than she should, we've talked about it. But I cannot make her change, she has to do it for herself.

 

I don't know what to do or how to approach this with her at this point.

 

Thanks in advance.

[whichwayisup]

Her drinking is having a huge affect on you and your marriage. She needs to go to AA so she can stop drinking. And she's right, she will only stop when she feels she wants to but when will that be? You need her now, as your wife, your lover and your friend...It's like the drinking has become her wall so she won't feel anything towards you. Maybe that is what the "I can't hug you because I like you" means...That she cares for you and if she hugs you you'll be hurt because she isn't capable of intimacy. Hope that makes sense, it did in my head.

 

Have you two tried marriage counselling?

[loggrad98]

Garvis, I have been dealing with very similar issues for a while now. My depression started shortly after I finished treatment for cancer 8 years ago and has been up and down ever since. Recently I reached a new low and finally went to a Dr. about it. I am also on meds, and also feel a very strong need for my wife to be affectionate towards me.

 

She and I have talked about it quite a bit and she revealed some very important bits of information. She told that she knows I want to be intimate with her more than I ever have before, and she know that I want her to initiate it. She told me, though, that it has been hard for her with my current state of mind. If I am talking about how terrible things are, or if I am sad all the time and do not seem to have anything good to say, or even, God-forbid, if the topic of suicide comes up, it is very understandable that she is NOT attracted to me, and my wife has always been a terrible faker (orgasms, little white lies, what have you , she can't fake it), so she cannot fake interest in me beyond sisterly support. She is always there for me and willing to hold me while I have had some very down moments, but ironically what I needed a lot of the time was for her to come on to me, make me feel virile and wanted and desired, at exactly the moment when she probably desired me the least.

 

I think constant communication is important. I have been able to let her know when I really need her and what I need from her and she has been able to tell me how she feels about things and what she needs from me and therefore we have been able to better respond to each other. Clearing the air, as weird as it was...me telling her "I need you to come on to me sometimes, more than ever before" just felt weird, like begging for sex almost...has helped us immensely. She tells me when she knows I am longing for that attention and what is holding her back and what she is willing to do and what she wants to do. Lately, with the holidays, there have been a lot of stressors and understandably she has been frazzled and feeling anything but romantic, but I have been down quite a bit lately. On Christmas day, while we were at my sister's house with the entire extended family, she discreetly took me by the hand, pulled me into the bathroom and...well you get the idea. She was passionate and agressive and I loved it. I also felt a little guilty, like she had forced herself to do that for me, because I knew she was under pressure and that made it hard for her to be that way. I told her she did not have to do that and she stopped me and said "Yes I did...I wanted it...and you were not going to stop me from getting it!" Needless to say, that was EXACTLY the right thing for her to say and it really made my day.

 

I agree with whichway about the alcohol too. You need to talk when the alcohol is NOT influencing either of you. If she is using the alcohol as a shield from the problems you guys are facing, then she needs to get help. If you are on meds, you should be in counseling too, and counseling for depression is not something you should do entirely alone. My wife has been involved in my counseling from the beginning, and we are starting another line of it to address some R.J. I have been dealing with, that is causing the depression to be worse and vice versa. But the point is, we are doing it together, so it gives us a way to air things out in a non-hostile environment with a referee when we can't get past things on our own at home.

 

If you even brought this up to your doctor, not necessaily the affection issue itself, but the fact that your wife has turned to alcohol to deal with this difficult time and you do not know how to effectively communicate with her because of it, she can help you find a counselor or therapist who can help you get on top of it. At least a Dr. who is already helping you with issues of depression is a starting point for this all.

 

Bottom line, you need to find a way to talk about things without being accusatory, without being under the influence (either of you) and make sure you are BOTH talking about your needs and how you can help EACH OTHER. Rest assured, she has her own pains and trials to deal through all this. Depression is NEVER a solitary condition...it affects everyone around you. You need to explore and try to provide what she needs every bit as much as she needs to do the same for you.

 

Also, I found my depression is much less when I am focusing on doing things for my family, instead of focusing on my own problems. When I try to create an environment in which my wife feels safe to express her affection for me, it helps lift my own mood too.

[garvis]

loggrad98, it sounds like some of our feelings are similar. It really hurts inside. I know I'm tired of feeling this way.

 

Anyway, from what I can gather, the cancer you went through is gone. I hope so, that must be a tough thing to go through. In my case, I've been dealing with severe physical pain. I've been on painkillers and have just started see some pain specialists. So in my case, the pain is part of the depression I've been going through. Sometimes I feel like it will never go away. I've also been dealing with some RJ too. Then, you know, the holidays, the kids, work, bills, other stress...it kinda pushes you over the edge. But my doc upped my meds, meaning my anti depressants. That has helped.

 

I agree with you that communication is the key. Last night, I asked how she felt (from drinking the night before). She said she was mad at herself, but didn't want to talk about it. That's part of my frustration - she never wants to talk things through. "just let it go". The problem is, I have feelings about these things too that I'd like to get out without being confrontational. So I told her that I love her and I want her. After a few other words, she said that we should make "a date" to have cuddle time after the kids were in bed. That made me feel a lot better. It told me that she wasn't in the mood for cuddling or intimacy, but that she wanted to do that at a different time. I'm fine with that and I really did make me feel better. I know she loves me, but sometimes I want to feel that. Is that similar to you?

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences and suggestions. This is all a work in progress. I'd be happy to share more of my stories and opinions if it could ever help anyone else out.

[JamesM]

I have followed your threads and have a pretty good picture of your life...as you told it...I think.

 

You have experienced RJ about your wife's past, you deal with a bit of depression and pain, she has alcohol issues, and she is upset when you look at naked pictures of women.

 

What you are looking for from her is cuddling and intimacy now. I have a question for you....how did you treat her when you first met her? What did you do to gain her respect and love back then?

 

I propose to you that this what you need to do now. The best way to overcome depression...besides meds when severe...is to look outside of yourself. The more we look at ourselves when we are depressed, the worse we appear. The worse we appear, the more depressed we are. What you are looking to her for is appreciation and compliments. You think...and we all do...that if she shows you enough love and admiration, you can love yourself more.

 

I say go the other direction. Start being what she expects you to be so that she will love and respect you. I am guessing that her alcohol use is somewhat proportionate to your depression, thoughts of suicide, and "woe is me" talk. This is not to blame you, but rather it is to show you that you have an incredible anount of control over your life. Focus on that, and you may be amazed at how you change and she responds to the changes.

 

I have been very depressed before. I know the feelings. And I also know that my wife's frustrations with me caused her to lose her respect and admiration for me. Being a caretaker is exhausting. When I was much more positive...even if I did not feel it always, she responded.

 

I am guessing that your wife did not marry you to bring you out of depression. I am guessing that you have many qualities that she admires and wishes were back. You can bring them back. She will respond with cuddles and appreciation...without waiting for a scheduled time.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad that you're feeling better and that she is going to make special time for you. It is important to feel needed and loved.

 

She said she was mad at herself, but didn't want to talk about it. That's part of my frustration - she never wants to talk things through. "just let it go". The problem is, I have feelings about these things too that I'd like to get out without being confrontational

 

Sooner or later she has to face her own personal problems, and hopefully with some gentle support and encouragement from you, she'll consider some therapy to sort it out.

[Guest]

i will tell u this if my exgf was battling cancer alone i would kick her butt - you never battle the C alone - no way - u need family and friends to support u - i did that with me MOM

[garvis]

JamesM, good advice. I'm really trying to do what you suggest. I'm trying to control my thoughts and if I can do that, I will control my feelings. After all, all feelings come from thoughts. Things will get better. It's sometimes hard to fight off those bad feelings when they are happening. I'm going to look at things from her point of view. I know in the past she has had tough times and I tried to comfort her, but realized she needed to feel better herself. I need to take that into consideration. It's hard to give unconditional love and affection to someone who is so needy.

 

whichwayisup, thanks for reaffirming that we all need to feel loved. There's nothing wrong with that. My wife understands that she drinks more than she should. I understand those feelings, as I have had my own battles with alcohol. I am here for her and she knows that. But I cannot nag her and I cannot force her to change that part of her life. She will need to do that on her own. I have always taken time to help her schedule doctor appts., help with the kids, help her get to where she needs to be. In fact, there isn't anything I have NOT helped her with in her time of need. But I will not take this alcohol issue into my own hands. I hope she will resolve this on her own, but if she needs help I hope she either tells me or takes action.

 

Thanks again.

[lonelyctg]

Sometimes it is hard when someone you love gets to the point where you are not sure if they are even attracted to you anymore. It makes you question if they ever really loved you at all. Been there, done that, in fact, that's the way it is right now.

I sure wish I had stayed with my first love, Rob. I would love to connect with him again.

[Love Hurts]

Something attracted you to her and her to you. What happened?

What has changed?

Now you are depressed and she drinks too much.

You are both sinking and covering the real issues with vices.

 

Go back in time and find your missing links. Once you discover what it was that use to work. Reapply that to the now in your relationship.

 

You may find you already know the answer in something long forgotten.

 

Good Luck

[garvis]

So yeah, there are some issues to work on. I need to work out my issues and feel better about myself. I can't love or help anyone else out if I cannot do the same for myself first.

 

Maybe I'm over-thinking this affection thing. I think maybe my wife and I are just not on the same page with affection. Anyone know what I mean by this?

 

Thanks.