help me please, weird situation.

[Cadydid5]

Hi, let me say first i am new to this site and this is my first time posting- here it goes: Yesterday, my boyfriend of a year and 6 mos, my female friend, and myself engaged in a threesome. we had joked about it before, and i had some interest in it, but when things got more serious, i got scared. i went through with it, and there was only a little pressuring, when i said i needed some. i was fine until they got together. i know i should have listened to my instincts and stopped it before it got serious, but i was curious. now i'm terrified it will mess up my boyfriend and i's relationship and i don't want that to happen. he was glad but didn't like seeing me sad afterwards, and assures me i'm still the only one for him, and i believe him. but i have these lingering feelings of regret and wishing it hadn't happened. anybody have advice on how to get past it and move on, while maintaining my relationship with my boyfriend and my friend. thanks- cs

 

- don't don'twant making love to my boyfriend to not be a private thing anymore.

 

ps- the hardest part is returning to our private sexlife, making it back into something only between us two. i will die if i let this thing break us up.

[Tony T]

You post will go a long way to discouraging others who are thinking about doing something like this.

 

Two people who love each other usually don't think about threesomes so early in a relationship. That normally comes much later when boredom sets in. Look closely at your relationship to see if it's worth keeping.

 

There is no magic way for you to forget this instance. It would be nice if we could do anything we wanted and then just rub it our of our minds like it never happened. Well, a few lucky people without feelings or consciences can do that but most can't.

 

The best thing you can do is just pretend it NEVER happened and move on with your life. It will take some time to clear it from your mind entirely. If its not possible for you, you may have just lost a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

 

For me, if I watched my best friend screwing any girlfriend of mine, there would be no human way I could ever have anything to do with either again. I'd be especially upset if a girlfriend of mine seemed to be especially enjoying the encounter. So, for me, I would never let this happen in the first place.

 

Your private sexlife has been invaded...at least for a while. Since sex takes place mostly in the mind, both of you are going to have to get this other party out of your minds as best you can.

 

Just pretend it never happened and convince your mind of that.

[Ally Boo]

The thought of that happening is the EXACT reason why I will never do a 3-some. I don't know what to tell you to do....but if my man got with a woman, in front of me or not, it would bother me enough to wonder if he loved me period. But that's just me.

[Cadydid5]

i ASSURE you, this is no joke.

[jimthzz]

It is hard to put the cat back in the bag but it is possible.

 

I take it this threesome was your bf's idea and that you didn't really indulge yourself with this other girl?

 

I think threesomes are relationship killers even if they are lust satisfiers for at least one party of the threesome.

 

When I was 17 my then girlfriend convinced me to have one with her best girlfriend.

 

I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. But I wasn't thinking with my brain.

 

The two girls actually liked each other far more than they liked me.

 

and liked game playing. They kept trying to get me to bring in another guy, and I wouldn't do it.

 

so they dropped me and found someone else to play with.

 

and that is what it gets down to - playing.

 

A threesome is not about love or enhancing a one-on-one relationship. it is about playing around, it's extension of masturbation.

 

masturbation's just fine, don't get me wrong, but if someone in a threesome is there for more than just gettting off, they will be hurt by indulging in this.

[midori]

You can repair this if you want to, provided that things are truly well between you and your bf. I think this might be a good opportunity to clear the air, make sure that there aren't issues that have gone unaddressed -- having to do with sex or otherwise. Maybe there's nothing wrong, I do know that a lot of guys fantasize about threesomes. And maybe you're simply an incredibly understanding and generous person. But make sure that you weren't doing it because you felt you had to in order to keep him interested, or for some other reason that needs to be addressed. Once you've established that everything is OK between the two of you, lock that episode up and put it away. Let him know that, although you agreed to it at the time and weren't pushed into anything you weren't willing to do, you now regret it and don't want to think about it anymore. Surely he'll understand that, and if he doesn't, then probably the two of you do have issues to sort out, like respecting each other's feelings and caring about each other's happiness.

 

What I would be more concerned about, frankly, is your friend. What was her motive in going along with this? Is she attracted to you? Or to your boyfriend? How are you going to feel the next time you see her? How are you going to feel the next time you see her when you're with your boyfriend? How would you feel if you encountered the two of them chatting on the street?

 

I can see where he was probably coming from: guy gets chance to have one of his fondest fantasies come true, with his girlfriend's participation and blessing. Who would say no? I can see where you were probably coming from: wishing to indulge your boyfriend in a way you thought at the time was harmless to all involved. What I can't see is where she was coming from: was she just doing you a favor? Wow, what a friend! I'm a terrific friend, but there's no way in hell I'd ever ever join a friend of mine in a threesome with her boyfriend. I'm not saying that you should immediately conclude that one way or another your friend has bad intentions and hasn't been honest with you about her feelings for you and/or your boyfriend. But I think you ought to give her motives some thought.

 

Personally I would never get into such a situation, especially not if the other woman was a friend of mine. But if somehow I did, I think that I would need to know that she was absolutely no threat to my relationship with my boyfriend. The only way I could keep her friendship would be if I were satisfied that she truly has no intention of breaking us up and is very happy to see us together, and that she would never bring up the episode or try to use it to gain some kind of leverage over me. The only way I could stay in the relationship with my boyfriend would be if he could reassure me that he had absolutely no interest in my friend beyond her role in a threesome that involved me. Regardless of whether or not my friendship with the other woman continued, I would need to know that my boyfriend understands that getting close to her will be a no-no for him, that he knows her through me and that they do not have a bond themselves, nor does he wish to have a bond with her.

 

Basically you haven't just jeopardized your relationship with your boyfriend. You've contaminated your friendship with this woman, by letting her trespass into your lovelife, and also by establishing that at least in certain circumstances your boyfriend is attracted to her. If the threesome had never happened, but you discovered that your boyfriend (despite completely loving you) had a little crush on your friend, wouldn't you be uncomfortable? In the scenario I've just suggested, your friend wouldn't be at fault, but in reality she jumped right into bed with your boyfriend -- the fact that you were there too doesn't change that. I think I'd have a very hard time seeing that as anything but a betrayal. Which might seem unfair to your friend, since I'm assuming that this was you and/or your bf's idea, not hers. But why on earth did she agree? I'd want to be very sure about where she stands before I'd know whether or not we could still be friends.

[Ally Boo]

See the thing is....he had sex with your friend in front of you. Now, there could be the argument that it's not as bad since it was done with your knowledge and blessing so to speak, but still.

See, the way I see it is, it doesn't seem like you were going into this with a curiosity as to see what it would be like with a girl....if anything, this sounds like it was for HIM. And the reason why most guys are ok sharing their woman with another woman is because they know their woman won't leave them for another woman. However, he slept with your friend...a girl....and it is way more likely that he could possibly leave you for her. To tell you the truth, this sounds like he wanted to have sex with someone else, but not cheat on you. And personally, bc of my opinions and values when it comes to sex, can't see him really loving you, if he's willing to share himself with another woman, period.

[Cadydid5]

well i just read everybody's responses and thanks for the input. first of all let me clear some stuff up, then i'll tell you whats happened in the last two days. first- my boyfriend and i had only joked about it before, and this aprticular time it was more me and my friend's doing. i'm not a lesbian by any means, and not in denial, i had just always thought it'd be something i'd look into. however when our joking turned serious i didn't know if i really wanted it and then felt it was too late. my boyfriend didn't do any pressuring, and told me whne we talked about it later, that no guy would turn that down, and i see his point. one of you said something about how if you were to do it it wouldn't be w/ a girl friend of yors, well i'm actually glad it was, b/c we have since talked about it and it helped we could discuss our feelings about the incident. she has since assured me that she isn't interested in any way in my bf, and that she enjoyed me more anyways (i took this as a compliment, but there's no future w/ girls for me).

 

anyways the other night, my guy and i had a long talk/ semi-argument about our future, and this whole incident (he was feeling bad b/c i was feeling bad, and we both regretted it b/c we are smarter than that.) we ended up better off than before and agreed for now at least, just to not mention it, and keep the situation light hearted. we have decided to chalk it up to "experimenting." he reminded me that when we laid out the rules i dind't say no contact between them (which was stupid) and that there is a huge difference b/t what happened b/t them and what we do. (i say making love, he doesn't like that and likes to say "****ing w/ emotion," so we agreed on that) (joke) the fact that he and i have always had a lot of humor b/t us has helped a lot in this situation, and makes us stronger.

 

so we are better than before probably, i trust my friend, and even more so my boyfriend. i know from reading other peoples posts that you only have what they tell you to go on, so listen up- i'm not one of those doormat girls, and got really angry at myself for not speaking up, but basically, it was my own fault for not speaking up. i'm not saying i ws the only one there, but if two girls came to you and said hey, do us, most guys wouldn't be able to tik well with their brain at that point. and i'm not making excuses for any of us, these are just the facts, we got a little crazy. i trust my boyfriend b/c of his spotless record, and the fact that he has been so badly hurt by another from cheating that i know he could never do that to anyone, especially me. so like i said we are now better than ever, COMMUNICATION IS KEY. thank you all for your thoughts. -c

[velvet]

You want to repair the damage to your emotions? Talk to your b/f, really talk to him. If you fall apart over this, your r/s while fall apart around you.

 

First be mentally prepared. Stay calm and cool about it from here on out. Don't yell, scream, fight or fuss over it anymore.

 

Second, talk to your man and find out what his thoughts are about it. I can bet that he enjoyed it, but could care less if that opportunity presents itself ever again. Let him tell you that or something along the lines of him loving you and wouldn't do it again.

 

I would get insanely jealous, frightened and crazy watching my man go at it with someone else.

[Casey]

All of these people who say they couldn't stand seeing their partner having sex with someone else must be insecure in their relationships or themselves. Or otherwise sexually stifled by religious or other considerations. I don't think that threesomes are for everyone, and you don't seem like you were emotionally prepared for it right now. But threesomes can be great fun in any context and I personally have engaged in quite a few (as both the '3rd person' and 'couple') and never had any problems. Neither, as far as I know, have the people I have been with. I just wanted to make this point so that someone doesn't come out of this thread thinking that threesomes or sexual experimentation only lead to trouble. It might, as it did with me, lead you to the best orgasms of your life!

[Ally Boo]

Some people can have casual sex, others can't. And it's the ones who can't seperate sex from emotions are the ones who shouldn't have a 3-some. It would seem hard for me unless I really didn't care about either person.

[quankanne]

is an interesting concept, but I think most of us tend to be monogamous in our relationships. Not because we are insecure, but we believe that there is that one person for us. And I think it's instinctual ... I personally don't feel sexually stifled, but I can see how someone who equates self-gratification with independent thinking could see it that way. As for having the "best" sex of my life ... well, it makes a difference when you're in a secure/committed relationship, because all that sex put into perspective and is given meaning -- it's not just mindless sex to satisfy a need, it's so much deeper. So, while group sex can sound interesting at times, ain't no way in hell I'm giving up my personal stash of good stuff!

[Ally Boo]

I hate meaningless sex. Some people may think I'm prude or conservative for feeling that way, but I'm sorry, I can't help but feel used when I have meaningless sex with someone. I mean, it's satisfying a need, but you are being just as used as you are using that other person. And to ME, I'm not an object, and I am NOT going to be ANYONE'S cheap thrill. I guess I have too much respect for myself....but then again we're all different.

[Cadydid5]

i appreciate all your thoughts- things are still going well, one of you said to really talk, which we did already- and things are still excellent. we have put it in the category of "oops we were dumb," and are able to joke about it. sex is as good and intimate as ever.

 

as for the people who can't undersand experimentation- open your mind. i wouldn't recommend a threesome to girls who are emotionally invested like i am, but if you're curious like i was, at least think about it, instead of just right away chalking it up to "eww bad icky." on the other hand, i asked my boyfriend if he would care if i experimented w/ my friend a little more, and he and he didn't care. don't know if this will happen or not, i'm not some sexually crazed maniac, i'm just in college. hehe. have a good day all.