moving on, i guess

[cat]

i have posted in the past under "second chances" because my ex was still in my life. moving into the "dating" category is an admission of my reality i guess. (kidding).

 

well let's see. i have this ex-- now it's been 2 months since we broke up, though it doesn't seem that long because we saw/see each other a lot since the break up... i have posted before trying to figure out why he spent so much time and effort maintaining a relationship with me.

 

it was getting too painful for me because i wanted our relationship back so badly and it wasn't happening. we were supposed to go away for a weekend together with another couple and i told him i couldn't go because i couldn't do that to myself. he said he understood but then he decided not to go too and we spent time together the whole weekend. that time was wonderful, we got along so well. he even showed me pictures he had of us from when we were together, looking all cute. i was surprised he did that. i really thought we were on our way to getting back together.

 

on a side note, i also told him i wouldn't be able to be friends with him if he were dating someone, and he agreed wholeheartedly that he wouldn't want to be if i were dating someone.

 

a couple of days later we were hanging out with some folks we don't know very well and a guy there asked me for my phone number in a really innocent way. trust me, it wasn't romantic at all and there was a specific purpose, but my ex was right there and saw me give my number to this guy. i didn't hear from my ex for days after that, and when i finally contacted him, he said he'd been "in a funk" since that day.

 

a few days later it happened that i hurt myself and those two guys were the ones there to help me out getting to the doctor and getting around my house, etc. it was awkward to say the least, and my ex let the other guy take the lead. i haven't heard from my ex since then and this guy is now pursuing me. this was a week ago.

 

the guy is really nice and great and if my ex had never happened, i would be psyched. i don't know what my question is... mostly, why is moving on so hard? can i get my ex back? does he REALLY not care about me? is it possible he's just put off by the presence of this other guy because he thinks there's something going on, or am i dreaming up this fantasy so i can think there's still a chance?

 

there is potential with this other guy, but i am afraid to move forward because i don't want to close the door on my ex. i care for him so much. when i look at this new guy (or anyone else), i just don't see the same things. my ex isn't perfect by a long shot, but i feel like we are super compatible and there's so much lost potential. what do these feelings mean?

 

thanks so much for your advice, everyone. i really like how you tell it like it is.

[yes]

didja ever ask your ex if he wanted to get back together? if he said no, go with the new guy, see what'll come of it.

 

if u've never asked about getting back together .. hmm, perhaps you should. i think its unhealthy to spend lots of time with someone u want romantically, unless they feels the same way about you ...

 

the sense i got from your post is -... it's over with your ex, he's just having some trouble letting go, but he doesn't want to be back together either, otherwise he'd make a move (assuming he broke up with u) ... so it sounds like moving on is just the thing to do ... so have fun w/ the new guy!

 

just some thoughts,

-yes

[Tony T]

Why is your ex your ex? People don't split up just for something special to do one day. If the relationship was so sour for one or the other of you that you took the extreme action of splitting, there is no real purpose getting back together. Sure, things seem lots sweeter after you're apart for awhile but once you get back the same shxt starts to stink again.

 

I don't think you're ready for somebody else either. It's just a bit too soon after your breakup. It would be fine if you hadn't been so chummy with your ex. You need to stay away from him so you can heal.

 

The relationship with your ex is a very unhealthy one. If he's so jealous and possessive that he would go berserk because you gave your phone number to somebody, that's an indication he is extremely insecure with himself and not in a healthy state of mind. It's also an indication that having a relationship with him would be very difficult if you tried to resume one. You don't need to be controlled to that extent.

 

I think you need some time alone...maybe just a month...and then pursue this new guy you've met. Change is difficult and sometimes we feel more comfortable being in familiar crap. You said if it hadn't been for your ex, you'd be psyched about this new guy. Well, that's the answer to your question right there.

 

Remember why you broke up with your ex in the first place and psych yourself up for a new life without him.

 

Yes, it's hard but some pain is necessary in the human growth process.

[Ally Boo]

Ok your ex is an ex for a reason. It is ok to still love and/or care for him, but you gotta understand that if you were to have been getting back together, you would be back together by now. It just sounds like you are both having a hard time letting go. You need to seperate yourself from your ex, that would help a LOT. Moving on would be a great idea. Stop focusing on the past...your relationship is over. You need to tell him that you've met someone and since you two aren't going anywhere you need to move on, and not be friend's. Ex's shouldn't be friends anyway.

[clia]

You need to give your ex time to miss you. I don't remember why you broke up, but since you want him back, it sounds like he probably did the breaking up. But think about what you did...he ended things (I'm assuming here!), but you continued to allow him to spend time with you. He got the best of both worlds--he didn't have to have a relationship and he got you in his life. (Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?)

 

You will never, never get him back by continuing to see him so much. You must stop now. Stop calling him, contacting him, e-mailing him, and seeing him. Just stop. You are not getting what you want by doing this, and it sounds like you are making yourself even more miserable by allowing this to happen. Why do that?

 

Don't give a guy who has rejected you the Time Of Day. He rejected you! You don't have to be nice to him now!

 

If he was in a funk over you giving your number to another guy, that's his problem. He knows what to do!

 

In the meantime, if you happen to speak with him again, tell him you are moving on with your life and things are officially over between the two of you (and that includes being friends). Tell him if he changes his mind about the two of you having a relationship, to give you a call and you will consider it. Then end it. By doing this, you leave the door open, but you also allow yourself to move on and heal. You will never do this if he is still in your life because you will always be wanting him back. If you don't speak with him again, just assume it's over. Write yourself a big note and tape it on your bathroom mirror to remind yourself.

 

The best "revenge" is to move on with your life. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. Trust me, if you are his dreamgirl, he will not let go of you. He will come back. It will be very difficult for you to do this (trust me, I know), but it's really the only way to find out how he really feels. It may even take a month or two, but if he wants you, he will be back.

 

Relinquish the hope you have for this to happen. (Because it might not.) If you are hoping, you won't be moving on. Move on and date this new guy. Even if he's not the guy of your dreams, he will help take your mind off this. Date other people too. I don't know that you are ready to dive into a relationship, but you can certainly date and have fun. Stay busy with your life. Enroll in a new class or do something else you've always wanted to do.

[Ally Boo]

I SOOO couldn't say it any better myself!

[bhsunny21]

I also understand what you are going through. My boyfriend and I broke up recently and were still seeing eachother on a 'friends only' basis. This was hard for me because he would not act as one of my friends, but as my boyfriend. I got the mixed signals since he was the one who ended things with me.

 

Well, I have met someone new and now the ex is feeling like I am abandoning him because I am seeing the new guy instead of spending time with him. I asked my ex why he was upset when we weren't seeing each other anymore. He broke up with me, so why is he questioning his decision when faced with seeing me date someone else?

 

In all honesty, I don't think that being just friends would have worked for us, considering the type of relationship we had. I truly feel that moving on and spending time with the new guy has been the best thing for me. It made me realize that I wasn't completely happy in the old relationship because something was missing.

 

So, I guess I am just trying to reiterate what Cila said. Get out and do things! Spend time with your new interest, go out with friends, gain a new hobby. If you continue living your 'new' life, you will gain the realization that things ended for a reason.

 

Just a thought.....Good luck!!

[sunflower]

Hi Cat (like that username btw, since I love cats)

 

Anyway, I don't think it's such a great idea to have contact with exes. You can get mixed up in a whole bunch of things, that really are unneccesary, if you think about it.

 

Exactly why is he spending so much time and effort to try and maintain a relationship with you? This is something you have to know.

 

He is being wishy washy with you. He is only lukewarm about the whole thing, throwing you a couple of crumbs here and there to see what happens. Is this what you want?

 

You say it was getting painful for you because you wanted the relationship back. Fine, but I don't think that's what he wants. Because his actions are showing otherwise, in my opinion.

 

Sorry, but he doesn't fair well in my books for keeping you hanging on the hopes of getting back together again, by showing you pictures of the two of you during good times. Excuse me???

 

Get away from him. The only reason why I say this is not to be mean or anything, but because he is not making you happy. And isn't that what it is all about? Being happy?

 

By the way, what are you doing contacting him? Please try and have no further contact with him. I know it is hard, but for your own benefit, DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

 

Moving on is hard, because YOU are letting it be hard, by contacting him and keeping in touch with him. Sure, this can go on forever, but what purpose would that serve, especially if he's NOT showing any SERIOUS indication of wanting to get back together.

 

The proof lies in that he hasn't tried to contact you after he knew about the other guy pursuing you. When guys are really interested and they know the girl they are interested is slipping away, they will go through hoops to get her back. SO FAR, ask yourself if he has been demonstrating this. Until he does, you move on.

 

Excuse me, you say there is potential with this other guy, yet you don't want to close the door on your ex...but has he shown this as well, or has the door already been closed? This is important.

 

I understand you are afraid to move forward, but who says you have to right away jump into a serious relationship with another fellow? Where is it written? Why can't you just have fun and do some light dating for a while?

 

I know you care for him, but, cat, look at the big picture.

 

Was this a mutual break up by the way?

[cat]

thank you so much for all your replies. if could print them and put them up on the walls i would. you say what i know to be true, but you are really helping me accept reality here.

 

about our breakup, it's complicated. unnecessary? i don't know. mutual? i guess. neither of us was happy, but i think we both blame ourselves and not the other (which seems like an anomaly to me). we had a communication breakdown that we couldn't get over and both got scared and quit. defense mechanism, i guess.

 

i feel like we have grown closer since then, and i have learned a LOT about relationships.

 

i told him a couple weeks ago that it wasn't a good idea for me to be friends with him right now because it was too hard, and that's when he turned it on even stronger and showed me these pictures of us and sent me a letter that said he knew it would be a challenge but he (and i quote) "wanted to face it because [he'd] be losing a lot more if [he] didn't try."

 

i know that, dealing with the pain of a break up, you can't take things said like that literally. what i don't understand is why he didn't take the out when he had one. maybe he's just a coward.

 

but the truth is, he isn't wanting me like i want him to. i don't know what i am afraid of in moving on. acceptance that it's really over with us???

 

whoever said that there's no law that i have to get into a serious relationship with this new person (or anyone) is a genius. i have to keep reminding myself of that so i don't get scared and run from potential good things that come along.

 

getting used to a new person is hard. any tips? i am still comparing in my head, as in "he's has this that i like, that my ex doesn't have. he doesn't have this that i like that my ex does have." etc. etc. you know the drill. is this natural or a sign that i am not ready for anyone else.

 

i don't want to hurt anyone else-- or myself.

[sunflower]

When you wrote:

 

but the truth is, he isn't wanting me like i want him to. i don't know what i am afraid of in moving on. acceptance that it's really over with us???

 

There is your answer. He's not giving you what you want. He's not wanting you like you want him to. Until he does, you move on.

 

This applies to any guy in your life. We only want those who truly want us.

 

You say he "wants to face the challenge." Let him. Keep away, pull back, and see what happens.

 

You also say you had a communication breakdown. Well, that's a pretty big thing, because without that, there is nothing.

 

It doesn't matter why he "didn't take the out". Pay attention to what he is DOING not what he's SAYING.

 

You can rationalize a whole bunch of reasons of why, but all that does not matter in the end, because he's not demonstrating anything concrete towards you. That is why you must have no contact, pull away, and see what happens. It's like what Clia said, if they want you they will come back.

 

It is so hard to do, because I have done it, so I went through it. Not once, but a few times, I had to pull away from unfulfilling relationships. It feels great to be able to liberate yourself from these chains of hoplessness or wishful thinking, or whatever you yourself want to call these binds.

 

Keep reminding yourself of whatever it is you have to do, and just go with the flow, enjoy yourself. And whatever you do, DO NOT COMPARE these guys. No guy is perfect ok? I know this is natural in the beginning, and perfectly normal. It is absolutely normal. Allow only some time to do this, then forget about it.

 

If you keep comparing, you will never heal.

 

You alone will only be able to determine when you are ready to be involved with somebody else. No one else can tell you. So forget about asking that question on these boards.

[Ally Boo]

It is so hard giving up, especially if you spent so much time trying. But in the end, you are doing yourself a favor by respecting yourself. You deserve a man who will treat you and love you how you want to be loved. He is out there, you just can't force anyone to try to be it.

[clia]

"getting used to a new person is hard. any tips? i am still comparing in my head, as in "he's has this that i like, that my ex doesn't have. he doesn't have this that i like that my ex does have." etc. etc. you know the drill. is this natural or a sign that i am not ready for anyone else. "

 

I think this is normal. With every person you date, you find out more about what kind of person you ultimately want to end up with, and then begin to look for people with those qualities. The good news is, new guys will have some better qualities that your ex didn't have. You may not be ready to start dating, but you won't know until you try. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting out there and putting in a couple of hours having dinner with someone new. I certainly don't think it will kill you, and it will actually make you feel better to see that other guys find you attractive and want to spend time with you.

 

"i don't want to hurt anyone else-- or myself."

 

Just take it slow with anyone you meet. Keep it casual. There's no law that says you have to immediately become exclusive with anyone. Just have fun and keep an open mind.

 

I wish you the best of luck in getting through this...I'm going through it now myself, and it's HARD. (I've gone a whole week with no contact with my ex now...it gets a little easier each day. But it still sucks.) Feel free to private message me if you want to vent. (If you get the urge to call or contact him, message me instead or call one of your girlfriends.)

[Ally Boo]

I think it's totally normal....I mean you can't help but compare.

[cat]

my stupid ex.

 

after a week+ hiatus, he sends me a letter as if everything is cool, catching me up on his life and what not, wanting to know what's up with me. this was a casual but uncharacteristically long letter. and really out of the blue. i'd written him off (for a while at least.)

 

here's the dilemma-- do i reply or ignore? he specifically asked for a reply, buti am genuinely unhappy with the terms of our relationship right now. i don't want to be someone he just contacts "every now and then."

 

i understand that perhaps my expectations of him are unrealistic. how close can exes actually be without it being inappropriate or troublesome? what is he trying to do here?

[Ally Boo]

If it makes you unhappy, just write it off and let it be. Ex's really WILL go away if you leave them alone.

[quankanne]

it appears to me that he's got a very vested interest in emotionally stringing you along. Tell him point-blank that you're not interested in being his emotional yo-yo. You deserve better than that; by responding to his letters or calls, you only remain his emotional pawn, because for some reason he feels he NEEDS to do this to you.

 

write him off. You need to heal, and maybe that comes with dating other guys or just flying solo for the time being. Either which way, you don't need to be trapped inside his game-playing.

[sunflower]

It doesn't matter what he's trying to do.

 

What matters is that he's not giving you what you want.

 

All he's giving you at this time, is confusion.

 

I can't belive some guys.

 

Seems to me that he wants to keep you on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

I personally would not respond. Don't worry about seeming rude or mean. You owe nothing to this guy.

 

Besides, you should be too busy to even notice the letter.

 

I've had exes contact me as well. And I always used to say, "what the hell does he want?" Eventually they go away. They get the message that you want nothing to do with them.

 

If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

 

 

You said yourself, this letter was casual in nature.

 

I know you are confused. But, the fact remains that, he is acting rather selfishly by contacting you, and asking you what's up in your life. As if.

 

I'm not sure how close exes can be without causing trouble. I am a firm believer that exes should remain exactly that. I don't believe in keeping in touch with letters or emails or whatever.

[BeReal]

I'm more in favor of the direct approach. Respond to his email and tell him whatever you decide. Don't contact me, etc.