Boyfriend's sister hates me

[techgirl]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and his family and I love each other. He has stepfamilies and biological families, and all of them love me. Except for his sister.

 

My boyfriend is 24, I'm 19, and she is 25.

 

At first, she loved me. She thanked me and said that I was the reason she was getting to hang out with her brother more. We all went out together and did things together and everything was cool, until recently.

 

His mother and I had a misunderstanding, and when we did, his sister sent me threatening messages and said horrible things about me. This made me upset because 1) she had always liked me until this happened and 2) the misunderstanding had nothing to do with her. She called me the day after the misunderstanding and told me I had ruined everything and just kept yelling at me. My boyfriend was right next to me when she called and he was not happy about it. She told me that their mom didn't like me and had just been putting up with me, blah blah blah. Their mom had never said any of those things.

 

She blamed me for not getting to hang out with her brother and said that if they did hang out, I threw a fit. This had never happened. If anything, I tried to get them to hang out and invited her over to his house when I wouldn't be there, and she never showed up. My boyfriend said that even before we started dating, she did not make any effort to hang out with him. This happened multiple times. I've never had a fit about anything that he has done with her or with anyone else. In the midst of all this, she basically implied that she only pretended to like me because I was dating her brother, and that I had blown my chance with her.

 

His mom and I made up and everything was wonderful again, or so we thought. We went over to their house on Christmas night and we were gretting his mom and stepdad when his sister said "Um. HI!!", like we were purposefully not greeting her. My bf just said "uh, hi. We're kinda greeting other people right now." She glared at him and he gave her the "get over it" look.

 

My boyfriend's stepmom and I had talked about the situation prior to Christmas night, and she said that his sister was jealous of me. I can understand that. It's like someone taking away your friend, but they weren't close when we started dating. Even so, I understand her being overprotective, but that's no reason for her to be rude to me.

 

The sister had gotten angry earlier in the year about my boyfriend's birthday. She had told me that they were all going to a club for his birthday and that we just had to be there. I told my boyfriend this and he stated that he didn't want to go. He does not like going out to clubs and doesn't really drink or dance. I told his sister this and she didn't really seem angry. Well she had told my boyfriend that she was going to buy his ticket for a concert we were all going to. I had talked to her a few days before the concert and she hadn't bought his ticket and stated that she didn't have the money to buy hers, but was going to get it. I talked to my bf and he stated that she wouldn't buy them and that he wouldn't get to go unless he bought the tickets himself, so I bought them because I wanted us to be able to go. The day before the concert, she finally got her ticket, and still didn't have money to buy his, but got mad at me because I bought his ticket. I told her that I really wanted him to go because it was a birthday gift, and wasn't sure if she could buy the tickets, but she was still angry.

 

I had talked to my boyfriend about all of this and he said that he honestly didn't care if she liked me and claimed she was always a b!#^h, and that as long as the rest of the family liked me, it was okay. I don't like when people, especially family, don't like me, but I don't think there's really anything I can do at this point. I tried talking to her but she brushed me off. I don't want it to get to the point where he feels like he has to choose between me and his sister, and I would never ask him to. But I don't know what to do.

 

Any advice to make things less rocky and stressful?

[Carbine]

Haha i'm in a similar situation, and if there's one unfortunate thing i've learned it's that blood is much thicker than water.

 

When I met my now ex's older sister Terri (she's 32, I'm 25, my ex is 30) we got along okay, as far as I could tell there were no problems. We really didn't see each other much because she and her boyfriend live 4 hours away, and she'd only come down on holidays. Then when my ex and I started arguing and the fights upsetted his mother (who was sticking her nose into our business anyway), his stupid sister turned on me suddenly when i walked into my ex's house one day, I said "hi" and she said in a very bitchy tone "hi...!" Ever since then she's bagged me constantly to her mother, to my ex and to everyone else. I asked my ex's mother why and she told me that when the fights got really bad she'd get on the phone to her daughter and whinge about me, shes like "Terri's just very protective of her little brother and she feel's bad for me too, you just have to accept it".

 

To this day my ex won't hear a bad word about his family, and he always tries to blame Terri's behaviour on me, no matter what. He believes that I'm trying to split him up from his family (NOT true!) and that one of the conditions for us gettin back together is that I stop "hating" his family. Ive gotten upset about the vicious things she's said about me, which he or his mother happen to pass on to me. Yet about a week ago he asked me for advice on what present to buy his sister for christmas, and without thinking i said "get her a jenny craig membership". Well, it was like world war 3. We had a massive row that night...

 

So why do I think she's like that? Simply because she's jealous. I mean, she's obese, ugly and lives in a small town with no opportunities other than to pop out a bunch of ugly children and then sit back on her rapidly expanding backside and get even more repulsive. She's probably used the excuse of defending her mother and brother in order to take out her underlying jealousy on me. Maybe your bf's sis is the similar??

 

The bottom line is, don't try and come between him and his sister ever. Don't bitch about her. Don't be bitchy to her. Don't make ambiguous comments about her that may be misinterpreted. You won't win. Unfortunately, if she's his sis then she's got the upper hand, like it or not. She can get away with doing ****ty stuff to you, and your bf will still forgive her at the end of the day. You don't have the same privelages. It's not fair but from what i've seen, that's the way it is. I don't know if there's a lot you can do. I dont think you should let her see how much she's upset you, because she probably gets off on that. If she's trying to upset you do try and keep your cool in front of her. Then go out to your car and scream, cry, swear if you have to but don't let her see it. If you approached her, then good on you, that'd take guts. But if she gave you the brush off then she's obviously still exercising her 'sibling powers' over you. If you have to talk to her, try and treat her with the most basic level of cool politeness you can muster.

 

Lastly, whatever it is she's jealous of, then don't make a massive attempt to conceal it around her. Don't flaunt it unnecessarily, but don't feel like you have to change just to boost her ego. With luck, the silly cow will wither away in defeated state depression, and hopefully drop off the face of the planet.

[techgirl]

the thing is though, i never have tried to come between him and his sister, or their family. no one feels this way about me except her. his parents always tell me how happy i make him, and his stepmother told me i'm a great addition to his life and the family. he always says that he doesn't care about her and that she's always a bitch. he's talked crap about her to me, and i've not said anything because i don't think it's right to talk crap about someone else's family. his mom and sister have even gone so far as to talk crap about HIM to me, saying that he was an @$$h0le and that he was just like his father. i would never try to come between family, even though he's not close to his mom and stepdad. but it's like i'm being blamed for him and his sister not being close, even though they weren't to begin with. she even sent him a message during all this pretty much saying, "i miss my little brother, but f%^&k you." yet it's my fault.

 

 

thanks for the advice though...and i'm sorry that you're in the same situation. although i do think what you said about her rapidly expanding butt and the jenny craig membership were really funny. lol

[whichwayisup]

Now it is up to your boyfriend, her brother to tell her to get over it and accept you. And if she can't do that, then atleast be civil to you when you're all together.

 

Look at it this way, it's HER loss not yours. She's acting immature and just being a beyotch because she can. I'm surprised her mom hasn't told her to cool off, get over it and grow up!

[Carbine]

hey techgirl...sorry i didn't mean to imply that you were trying to come between them! All i meant was that you should make sure you don't do or say anything at all that may lead any of them to believe that you are trying cause a rift. You gotta keep your bases covered, because someone like that will inevitably be sniffing out opportunities to make you look like the bad guy. If your bf's family are all living under the same roof, then she's gonna have plenty of opportunities to wear her mother and bro down...trust me, Terri's taken great pleasure in brainwashing my ex and his mum over time. Even if your bf's mother does tell her to mind her behaviour, as whichwayisup mentioned, her mum's hardly going to kick her out of the house for her behaviour.

 

I really do empathise with you on this one, coz i know exactly how it feels and how you're probably feeling totally backed into a corner. I know you wanted to find a way to make things less rocky etc, but realistically, you might have to be prepared for the fact that she's going to hold a grudge for quite some time. I've accepted that with Terri, there's always going to be a fair bit of animosity between us, and that she's probably never going to want me to be part of her brother's life. We're always going to see each other as competition (Hey, if the silly cow really wanted, she'd be able to get rid of me in one fell swoop by simply plonking her substantial arse on top of me. *SSSQUUEELLLCCHHH*!!!!! Strawberry jam. It'd be instant death for me! Sadly though, as her brains are mostly contained within her nether regions, she hasn't been able to figure this one out yet).

 

Anyway, good luck with it all. Keep us posted

[techgirl]

thanks, carbine. i see what you mean. luckily, my boyfriend lives on his own, and his stepdad and mom and sister are about half an hour away. the only really bad thing is sometimes his mom invites us over to eat and i just have to paste a smile on my face and bear it. i have hope that eventually the bitch will just come to her senses and realize that there's really nothing she can do about it. although i wish we could just agree that we don't like each other and leave it at that, instead of having to deal with her petty immature actions. oh well. we'll just see what happens. thanks for all the advice.

[Walk]

Tough situation. I know it's incredibly hard to not let his sister affect you, but I think you're taking this to heart too much. It's hard not too, I know... I've had it happen with a sister in a previous relationship, and this relationship the brother pulled the same stunt.

 

The fact is, your bf knows his sister is not right in the head. He can't change her. He's never going to be able to change her mindset, or make her see reason on this. About the only thing you can do is ignore her when you don't absolutely HAVE TO interact with her. And at family gatherings or get togethers, be friendly and nice (but watch your back). Your bf has given you the go ahead to not feel like you have to "win her" over. He said he didin't care how his sister felt.

 

Personally, I think if your bf confronted his sister it would make things far worse. She'd believe you were the motivation behind it, and it would increase her animosity toward you. Any aggressive signs by your bf against his sister will be interpreted as you being the cause. She won't think badly of your bf, just you. Its sad, and it's pathetic, but that's the way life is sometimes.

 

I've had the same problem in the past, and ironically she was also a very large girl with two kids by two different fathers (was working on her third when I left the relationship). She hated me unless she wanted something, then was very nice and complimentary toward me. Soon as she got whatever it was though, back to bitch mode. She never did like me though.. but the mean streaks diminished to nearly non-existent over the years.

 

The current relationship, about a year into it, my bf and I were having some pretty bad fights. My bf confided in his brother alot, and got the advice that I was a ho, a manipulative bitch who only wanted him for his money. That he should immediately dump me so that the brother could move in to our apartment. That I was the cause of all problems in the world. And I was the reason my bf didn't get to hang out with the brother and other friends.

 

It was all lies. My bf didn't put any stock in what his brother said. But when my bf told the brother not to bad mouth me again or he'd never speak to him... well, the brother made it all my fault. Shift the blame kind of thing.

 

Anyway, two years later and the brother and I get along pretty well now. We're not super best friends, but my bf and I hang out with him every week for a couple hours. In the end, my shinny disposition and sunny smile won out.

 

Kill her with kindness. That's about all I can suggest. And don't take what she says to heart. Be civil, polite, smiling, and show her you have your bf's best interest at heart.

[Salicious Crumb]

Let me ask you this....did you cheat on your boyfriend? Because that is the only thing I can really see that would make his sister soooo upset with you to this degree.

[techgirl]

cheat on my boyfriend? never. i could never do that. he knows this, as does she.

 

things haven't gotten any better really. they went together to their grandmother's grave to put flowers on it, and he said that she barely even talked to him, especially not about me.

 

so nothing has really changed, but i can tell things are going to get awkward if his mom invites us over to eat again and his sister is there.

[Salicious Crumb]

cheat on my boyfriend? never. i could never do that. he knows this, as does she.

 

things haven't gotten any better really. they went together to their grandmother's grave to put flowers on it, and he said that she barely even talked to him, especially not about me.

 

so nothing has really changed, but i can tell things are going to get awkward if his mom invites us over to eat again and his sister is there.

 

Well, my sister is married to a good guy. Even if he was an arrogant sob, I can't see myself, for my sister's sake, being angry at my brother-in-law forever unless he betrayed my sister.

 

And I realize you probably don't want to air it in this forum, so unless it is something really really bad..I think it is his sister's problem...not yours.

[magda]

I think it's up to him to talk to his sister, at this point. Especially regarding the "you're taking him away from me" accusations.