princessa Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 Well my ex was ignoring me quite a bit when we were still together.. Usually I'm the one who calls him up and breaks his silence... But that time I didn't.. He had been telling me that he had doubts.. so I figured I'd give him space to figure it all out.. and of course he was waiting for me to call while I was witing for HIM to get his sh** together and stop ignoring me IF he still wanted me. Well after a week of him ignoring me I called him up and told him i've had enough of waiting and that I considered this to be over. We hadn't talked for about 2 weeks anyways, and we hadn't seen eachother for a month and a half (his fault), so I didn't see how we were still in a realtionship.. Of course he didn't like hearing the BREAK UP news.. He told me he still wanted to be with me and blah blah blah. This is not the first occasion where he ignores me or rejects me, and I was so fed up with all of this that I told him that I've made up my mind and I didn't want to go back... He then sent me an email BEGGING for a last chance, even though he knew he didn't deserve it, and begging me to let him make it up to me. I've never seen this egotistical dude say PLEASE in his whole life, so after a few days I reconsidered and told him fine, this is your LAST shot, but you're gonna have to make serious CHANGES and be THERE for me, and be WITH me and be a REAL, FULL TIME bf. The next day what do I find out? He had planned a trip for the holidays since 2 weeks before, and that he was leaving the next day. What was that bull***** about him making it up to me???? Was he making FUN of me with that email??? So here's what I told him "you leave this town, you're leaving the relationship". He said I couln't make him cancel his trip just like that (we're talking about what, a 400 dollar loss? Oh please!!!!). I told him that this trip only spoke about the extent of his selfishness, and that I would never speak to him again if he went through with it.... He called me to say merry Christmas, but I didn't pick up the phone. I now expect him to try to contact me again sometime soon... and I'm not sure what to make of this.. What do you people think?? Under what circumstances should I give him a 29837498237984237th chance??? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 when somene asks for a second chance - always say no because its just the tail end of the crap u put up with before no when u start new - blank slate YES Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted December 29, 2006 Share Posted December 29, 2006 If he's been this much of an ass the entire time, he's probably not going to change anytime soon. He doesn't want to let you go because of his ego. Otherwise, he'd figure out a way to show you that he's willing to change. You can't squeeze blood from a turnip. Might be time to look for something new. Link to post Share on other sites
smoochie Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 I don't understand why he had to cancel the trip to still want to be with you. Just because you asked? I mean, if he was already going out of town, that doesn't mean he didn't want to get together when he came back. Or am I missing something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 I don't understand why he had to cancel the trip to still want to be with you. Just because you asked? I mean, if he was already going out of town, that doesn't mean he didn't want to get together when he came back. Or am I missing something? Because I asked indeed. Look I mean this was his chance to show me that he means business when he says he wants to make it up to me. This was an opportunity for him to show me that he can back up his words with actions. The trip speaks of much bigger things. For a while I felt like I wasn't a priority for him. The fact that he didn't cancel the trip showed me that I'm definitely NOT in his top priorities. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirliegirl Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 One part that bothers me is he planned a trip over the holidays that you knew nothing about. He made no plans with you for the holidays. He is showing that you aren't a priority for him at all and you are supposed to be his gf. At this point I would just let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
smoochie Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 Still a little lost here. Does he have kids he had to go see or family he has not seen in a long time? How long have you guys been dating? Was it exclusive or just hanging out together? How long have you known him? Is he an honest guy? He if does not pay you much attention, why are you upset that he would not cancel his trip? You already know where you stand. I am asking this nicely but were you guys just having sex and he comes around to get some? Is he misleading you some way. I do not have all the facts right or something? What type of relationship did you have with him? Do you know his family and friends? I am trying to figure out how you can ask him to cancel a trip if you aren't that significant to him in the first place. I don't get it?????? Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 One thing's for sure- ultimatum's never work. Making demands, pressuring, etc, will only lead a relationship into resentment territory. He shouldn't have to give up his trip any more than you should have to give up your need to be a priority in a relationship. It sounds like you want something he can't give you. So, instead of making a threat, just let your actions do the talking and move on. I remember my ex b/f wanted to go camping one weekend with his buddies- and I made him feel so guilty for wanting to go that he cancelled the trip to spend the weekend with me. What purpose did that serve? He resented me for it. It was something that was important to him and I made him feel bad for wanting to go, so he blew off the trip and I don't think he ever forgave me for that. If you don't feel that he makes you a priority, then find someone that will. But an ulitmatum will not work in your favour- trust me, I know. A reconcilation based on an ultimatum would be a negative way for the two of you to start over. D Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 The ultimatum happened after he begged me for a last chance to make things up to me.... It was kind of me saying that if he really wanted that chance, here it is, prove to me that you can back up your words with actions.... and he still left... lately he's been calling / texting me and I had ignored him... I want to move on because I really don't feel like I'm a priority for him... and yet he seems to want to tell me that he now wants to make me a priority, to give him a chance to show me that he an give me what I'm looking for... I haven't talked to him yet, but I plan to sometime soon... My question is, if I make it clear to him that I will not settle for anything less than being one of his top priorities, should I give him the chance to prove to me that he can give me that (assuming he wants to of course)?? Is there a chance for any change here?? And how is that supposed to happen?? What criteria do I need to apply to be able to tell whether he's really putting in the effort or just being all talk and no action?? Change happens gradually so I mean how am I gonna be able to tell?? Link to post Share on other sites
smoochie Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 Still a little lost here. Does he have kids he had to go see or family he has not seen in a long time? How long have you guys been dating? Was it exclusive or just hanging out together? How long have you known him? Is he an honest guy? He if does not pay you much attention, why are you upset that he would not cancel his trip? You already know where you stand. I am asking this nicely but were you guys just having sex and he comes around to get some? Is he misleading you some way. I do not have all the facts right or something? What type of relationship did you have with him? Do you know his family and friends? I am trying to figure out how you can ask him to cancel a trip if you aren't that significant to him in the first place. I don't get it?????? Can you please answer these questions? I don't know what to say based on what you are asking. This will go a long way in letting us know the deal. Link to post Share on other sites
smoochie Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 Almost forgot...when did does he come back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 Well you assumed that we were just f*** buddies or something.. And it's really not like that.. We've been dating a year and half, exclusively yes, and I've never had a doubt about him being unfaithful.. He doesn't lie about major things in general... He indeed hasn't payed me enough attention during our whole relationship.. when we first started dating he had major problems in his life (family/school/finances).. so I pretty much tolerated that I wasn't a priority for him at that time.. he indeed had good excuses to focus on other things... also because of that our relationship has been shaky for a long time, lots of fights etc.... but now he's doing way better so I'm beginning to hold him up to my usual standards.. but still he runs away from me when he senses an argument, causing him to ignore me... sometimes he ignores me and i don't even know why, sometimes he doesn't make any effort to see me.... and yet when I talk to him everything seems fine.. I AM significant to him.. This is why when I told him I've had enough and want out he said he was aware that he messed up and wanted to make it better... so he does realize that he should be treating me better than that... That's why I'm saying if he was that serious about making things right he could've canceled his stupid trip. If not, then why doesn't he just leave me alone in the end You could also read my previous threads if you're bored / curious Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 Almost forgot...when did does he come back? He told me before he left that his vacation (days off from work) would last until after New Year's... but on Wednesday night he sent me a text saying he came back to town and to please call him... I don't know if he's really back or not...... *shrug* Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 and yet he seems to want to tell me that he now wants to make me a priority, to give him a chance to show me that he an give me what I'm looking for... I haven't talked to him yet, but I plan to sometime soon... My question is, if I make it clear to him that I will not settle for anything less than being one of his top priorities, should I give him the chance to prove to me that he can give me that (assuming he wants to of course)?? Is there a chance for any change here?? And how is that supposed to happen?? What criteria do I need to apply to be able to tell whether he's really putting in the effort or just being all talk and no action?? Change happens gradually so I mean how am I gonna be able to tell?? Have him explain to you what he means by making you a priority now. Ask him to be specific. Alternately, you can provide him with specific examples of what you mean and what you want. - making me a priority means you will make time to see me at least x times a week/month by putting our time together on your calendar and then scheduling your other activities around our "dates" - making me a priority means you will reply to my calls within x days - making me a priority means you will avoid making plans with your buddies if we already have plans, unless it's some special event and you talk to me first - making me a priority means you will turn off the tv/computer/cell phone/whatever when we are on a date - making me a priority means you will come to dinner at my parents' house once every x months instead of always avoiding them ...things like that. Whatever it is that you need him to do to show you that you are a priority, spell it out for him, negotiate the points you disagree on, and then agree to what he will do. Then you will be able to tell if he's actually prioritizing your relationship. Otherwise, it's a vague promise, like, "I'll do better". What is better? Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 I actually disagree with setting particular standards. I did that with my ex, and even though he did it, I felt sometimes like he resented it. Nothing like getting a phone call when it's obvious he only called because he "had to." I would just say that if he wants to get back with you, he needs to demonstrate that you are a priority in his life. If it agrees, sit back and wait to see what that means to him. It's possible that your idea of how he should treat you and his idea of how he wants to treat you are completely different, and maybe there are other people out there for you who will see it the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 I actually disagree with setting particular standards. I did that with my ex, and even though he did it, I felt sometimes like he resented it. Nothing like getting a phone call when it's obvious he only called because he "had to." I would just say that if he wants to get back with you, he needs to demonstrate that you are a priority in his life. If it agrees, sit back and wait to see what that means to him. It's possible that your idea of how he should treat you and his idea of how he wants to treat you are completely different, and maybe there are other people out there for you who will see it the same way. The thing is, she has had this discussion with him before, and she has been stitting back and waiting to see what he does. That's what has led to them to where they are now. My suggestion regarding phone calls was not that he call her 3 times a week. I suggested that he return her calls to him within a specific amount of time, because he has a habit of not doing so. It's common courtesy to return phone calls - if he can't be bothered to call her back within a day or two of getting her message, she is obviously not a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
shoesies05 Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Leave him for good. You're clearly deeply unhappy. And i think you;ve been unhappy for so long with this guy that even if he does change for you that you would still be resentful and it wouldnt work. I could be wrong, im no expert on this. It doesnt sound like he's treating you good. You'll be better off! Link to post Share on other sites
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