unhappiness in 26 year old marriage

[Levi]

Hi...This will be ramblings of my thoughts as I'm trying to deal with empty nest syndrome and mid-life crisis all at once. I am a 51 year old woman who has been married for 26 years. Recently I have been very restless and unhappy in my marriage. My last son just graduated high school and is now away at college. My older son has been in the military for the past year. It is now just my husband and me. I have been loosing weight and exercising, looking pretty good and wanting to get out and do things and enjoy life. My husband would rather stay at home and sit in front of the TV and do nothing. He seen a Dr. who says it's not depression. He has been semi-retired for the past 5 years with me being the primary breadwinner, paying all the bills, etc. I have taked to him at length about my feelings. One of our mutual single male friends has taken an interest in me. The three of us, me, husband and HIM have done things together..go out to eat, movies, shopping. I have so much fun with HIM and have grown very close to him. It's like I have transfered all my feeling from my husband to him. I think of him all the time and fantasize having an affair with him, but feel that would be very wrong. I'm thinking about the possibility of getting a divorce so that I can be free. Thing is...I still care about my husband and love him but don't feel I'm IN LOVE with him any longer. My close friends say that I should continue to give my best to my marraige in hopes that things will change. How long is a reasonable time to try that? I feel that I have given my best for the past 26 years...now it's my time to find happiness and something new and different. I have such strong feelings for HIM but haven't told him as he is my husbands friend as well. Sticky situation...My husband does know that I care very deeply for this male but feels it's all platonic..which up to this point in time it has been but my feelings are getting deeper now and I want HIM in a romantic sexual way. My husband has been having problems in the sexual performing area. I feel so unsatisfied and unhappy. Any thoughts..when is it time to call a marriage quits...I won't seek counciling as had a bad experience with it about 10 years ago. Just need some feed back. Thanks!

[Mr. Lucky]

I won't seek counciling as had a bad experience with it about 10 years ago. Just need some feed back. Thanks!

Well if you won't try and make things better through MC, and you can't talk to your husband, and you can't bear the status quo...What's left ?

 

Kind of like saying, pick a number from 1 to 4, but don't pick 1, 2 or 3. Uh, OK ... I pick 4. Sounds like, at least as you describe things, leaving is the only option on the table.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sup]

Hi...This will be ramblings of my thoughts as I'm trying to deal with empty nest syndrome and mid-life crisis all at once. I am a 51 year old woman who has been married for 26 years. Recently I have been very restless and unhappy in my marriage. My last son just graduated high school and is now away at college. My older son has been in the military for the past year. It is now just my husband and me. I have been loosing weight and exercising, looking pretty good and wanting to get out and do things and enjoy life. My husband would rather stay at home and sit in front of the TV and do nothing. He seen a Dr. who says it's not depression. He has been semi-retired for the past 5 years with me being the primary breadwinner, paying all the bills, etc. I have taked to him at length about my feelings. One of our mutual single male friends has taken an interest in me. The three of us, me, husband and HIM have done things together..go out to eat, movies, shopping. I have so much fun with HIM and have grown very close to him. It's like I have transfered all my feeling from my husband to him. I think of him all the time and fantasize having an affair with him, but feel that would be very wrong. I'm thinking about the possibility of getting a divorce so that I can be free. Thing is...I still care about my husband and love him but don't feel I'm IN LOVE with him any longer. My close friends say that I should continue to give my best to my marraige in hopes that things will change. How long is a reasonable time to try that? I feel that I have given my best for the past 26 years...now it's my time to find happiness and something new and different. I have such strong feelings for HIM but haven't told him as he is my husbands friend as well. Sticky situation...My husband does know that I care very deeply for this male but feels it's all platonic..which up to this point in time it has been but my feelings are getting deeper now and I want HIM in a romantic sexual way. My husband has been having problems in the sexual performing area. I feel so unsatisfied and unhappy. Any thoughts..when is it time to call a marriage quits...I won't seek counciling as had a bad experience with it about 10 years ago. Just need some feed back. Thanks!

 

 

Ok, listen lady, you have talked to your husband about your marriage, but, mentioned that you're HOT for this friend? You need to tell your husband everything that you have typed here, including the fact that you wanna ride yours and your husbands friend, sorry if it's harsh, but hey, do you really want to hurt your husband this way, or any other way for that matter. As far as sexual performace goes, get your hubby to a Doctor, and get him some meds to help him to perform sexualy, like you havn't seen BOB on those commercials on Enzite or something, ANYTHINGS better than cheatin on your husband. If, after doing ALL of these things, your husband still don't want to change, or do better, then Divorce him, but don't cheat.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Sup. Tell your husband how you feel about this other guy. This is the WAKE UP CALL for your hubby! He then will have a choice...To woo you and get you back feeling that passion, love and desire again, or you two can divorce, go on without eachother...

 

I just think giving up 26 years of marriage for some lust and sexual attraction isn't going to be worth it. Lust/passion fades...What you and your husband share is a life!! You two created a family together, entwined families and friends!! That's alot of history to give up just for a hot young guy who will make you feel good.

 

Get to marriage counselling, and talk this out. If you can't or he can't, then discuss ending the marriage. Sup is right, don't cheat...Have some respect after 26 years of marriage.

[WhisperingWillow]

Ok I happen to agree with sup and WWIU about telling your husband how you feel. Not only will this wake him up and maybe you'll see some results but it also gives him a fighting chance.

 

Now if things do not change and you don't want to do the MC and you feel that it is your time, and you certainly deserve it don't let anyone tell you differently, then it may be time for a "D". Sorry folks I have to go against the grain here. That's what I did after my fifteen year marriage. I married very very very young, and while my ex was a great person in a lot of ways, though we had some very bad down's, the sexual chemistry and love was just lost and I had to make myself happy. I'm glad I did and didn't just stay in the marriage for the children. I have two, a six year old and a 12 year old. They are happier because I'm happier. It will change a lot of your lives but if it's going to make you happier then do it.

 

Do not have a affair. Nothing good comes out of that.

[che_jesse]

Your not here for advice, you are here to have people tell you that its ok to cheat. Sorry I wont do that, no one else here will either.

 

Talk to your husband.

 

Why are you closing yourself off to therapy, what sort of "bad experience" could you possibly have had to put you off all therapists, I can understand being put of by just 1 therapist, you need to find someone you feel comfortable with. I don't think you were drugged and raped or anything really awful, so please, share, why wont you go back to therapy?

 

... because you need it...

[Love Hurts]

......whats been said.

 

Your husband is so comfortable he may appear to be in a semi-comatose state.

If you tell him what is happening in your life.

You may jump start his heart.

Sometimes when we realize we are loosing something or someone we value. It’s a wake up call into appropriate action.

 

Good Luck

[Curmudgeon]

Throwing my hat into the ring to agree with the others that cheating is not a viable option and if this man would have an affair with you then he's no friend.

 

I also agree that you should tell your husband your feelings. Sometimes we men need to be hit between the eyes with a 2X4 to get our attention.

 

If all esle fails, get a divorce BEFORE you enter into another relationship.

[hopeto]

Hi, I am 33 years old and had an aunt that went throught the same exzact thing you are going through rigt at this very time. it is a mid-life crises!!!!!! she felt the very same way you did. she had it all. nice home, nice cars and a wonderful husband. LOOK I am not bashing you because you feel what you feel but know that it is because of the mid life you are going through. she left her husband. sad thing is, is that she is now lonley even more depressed and has lost everything that she was to a person who was a delight to be around to the party animal she longed for cause she felt age was dragisticly catching up with her.

 

now she is sad, lonley and depressed and misses her husband and admits it was a breakdown. BAD thing is, he waited on her for about a year and then gave up and now has meet someone and married her and is very much in love with her. no room for depression and the devil is tugging on your back. only reason you feel the way you do for your husbands friend is he is new!!!!

 

PLEASE, if any advice for you to pass on. make sure you make the desicion with a clear mind and if at any dought dont do it. My aunt was a very upbeat, always wonted to be like her and she was a mentor for me and to see her struggle and be so lonley is killing me. I would go seek some MC for you and your husband and tell him it is more for you because you are thinking of the big "D" and wont to make sure you are not making a mistake. the grass always looks better on the other side till you relize it was only a painting.

[Levi]

Hi... I want to thank everyone for your feedback. One thing that stands out is that most of you told me not to have an affair to try and work things out first with my husband and then if all else fails then get a DIVORCE before having a sexual relationship with HIM. That is sound advice. I have another question. Would it be advisable or unadvisable to share with HIM my feelings for him and find out if a relationship is possible with HIM if I were indeed divorced?

[whichwayisup]

I have another question. Would it be advisable or unadvisable to share with HIM my feelings for him and find out if a relationship is possible with HIM if I were indeed divorced?

 

Maybe it would be best for you to divorce first, and then talk to the OM in your life. If the OM isn't interested in a relationship, are you still planning on divorcing your husband? Or will you stay and try to work it out.

 

It might be best for you to be alone and deal with the loss of your marriage before jumping into a relationship with someone else.

[che_jesse]

It would not be advisable. If you do choose to get a divorce it is a decision that needs to be made for you, not for some guy thats going to be gone in a week because your going to scare the ever loveing crap out of him by comeing to him with

 

You: "Hey Jim, I love you and I'm leaveing my husband for you"

Jim: "WTF! Hey... I bought you coffee last week... dont take it wrong or anyting..."

You: "But I Looooooveeee you! Stay with me! I cant be alone!!!!"

 

 

Or something along those lines, but it is how you will sound if you say anything to him.

 

Your priortiy is your marriage, not the the possibilitys of getting diddled by some guy.

[Levi]

Ok...I hear you. So would it be a bad idea for..let's say, the three of us; me, my husband and HIM to sit down and talk together about my feelings and desires as each are involved?

[Levi]

I wonder if the three of us, me, my husband and the OM should all three sit down and talk. Would sharing my feelings with both at the same time be wrong?

[whichwayisup]

Ok...I hear you. So would it be a bad idea for..let's say, the three of us; me, my husband and HIM to sit down and talk together about my feelings and desires as each are involved?

 

I wonder if the three of us, me, my husband and the OM should all three sit down and talk. Would sharing my feelings with both at the same time be wrong?

 

I'm sorry, but are you serious? What would you expect for an outcome if you all talked? Imagine how YOU'D feel if your husband brought in another woman and sat you down then the three of you talked together.

 

End your marriage and go from there. If you don't love your husband anymore, get a divorce. Don't do this to him, he deserves some respect after so many years of marriage.

 

To be honest, it sounds like you're confused and maybe talking to a therapist could help sort out your feelings. You could be depressed and now don't know what to do with your life with the kids gone and being home alone with your husband.

[burning 4 revenge]

I'm sorry, but are you serious? What would you expect for an outcome if you all talked? Imagine how YOU'D feel if your husband brought in another woman and sat you down then the three of you talked together.

 

End your marriage and go from there. If you don't love your husband anymore, get a divorce. Don't do this to him, he deserves some respect after so many years of marriage.

 

yeah wwiu, that's just cold. i would commit suicide if my wife of 26 years did that. what would she expect her husband to do? thank her for honesty and implore his friend to f*ck her?

[whichwayisup]

Or maybe it's opening a door for a 3-some? Spice things up? I honestly don't know now, I want to help this poster, but until she decides 100% what it is she wants, her life is in limbo and she'll stay unhappy.

[burning 4 revenge]

Or maybe it's opening a door for a 3-some? Spice things up? I honestly don't know now, I want to help this poster, but until she decides 100% what it is she wants, her life is in limbo and she'll stay unhappy.

a three-some like that would be horrifying and she would probably prefer the other guy, because she said her husband is having sexual problems. so can you imagine him watching his wife(of 26 years) and his friend? life is cruel

[Sup]

Hi... I want to thank everyone for your feedback. One thing that stands out is that most of you told me not to have an affair to try and work things out first with my husband and then if all else fails then get a DIVORCE before having a sexual relationship with HIM. That is sound advice. I have another question. Would it be advisable or unadvisable to share with HIM my feelings for him and find out if a relationship is possible with HIM if I were indeed divorced?

 

 

DON'T say anything to OM, the less he knows the better, and the less likely he will come after you. But, you need to tell your husband ALL the feelings you have been having toward OM, like we said, for your husband this is A WAKE UP CALL!

[Sup]

Levi, you never answered about possibly getting sexual help for your husband, have you even considered it? They got all sorts of meds out there that can really give your hubby the get up and GO!

[burning 4 revenge]

i'm seriously considering becoming a f*g

[Ladyjane14]

I wonder if the three of us, me, my husband and the OM should all three sit down and talk. Would sharing my feelings with both at the same time be wrong?

 

I can't imagine anything less appropriate. You are ALREADY being unfair with your husband in that you're giving someone else the feelings of emotional intimacy that you VOWED to give only to your partner. You have allowed your husband to be emotionally supplanted by this other guy, and now you want to embarrass him by allowing the OM to see the horns you intend to put on him?

 

If you're honest with yourself, you'll realize that your chief desire here is to be given permission to explore the possibility of a relationship with the OM. And if you're REALLY honest, you'll admit that you'd like to 'seal the deal' before you commit to leaving your current circumstances.

 

That's just wrong, and chickensh*t to boot. You're starving your husband of emotional energy in the marriage and putting it on another guy's plate. And to add insult to injury, you're keeping him on the back burner where he can't get himself fed.

 

The only way to address a situation in which your partner has become lethargic is to FEED him some energy. This isn't always a fun process, and what all these folks who have posted here have suggested is also essentially a form of ENERGY. Telling your husband that you are sexually interested in another man creates impetus through crisis, either to end the marriage or to repair it once and for all. It's crisis-energy that comes with inherent risk... but still, it's like a stick of dynamite placed beneath a flacid rump. It's gonna elicit a REACTION.

 

In a nutshell, your complaint is 'BOREDOM'. And at the end of the day, who's fault is that? It's not your husband's job to entertain you, it's your job to entertain yourself. And NOT at his expense either.

 

So... if you aren't finding fulfillment within the marriage, you either need to become proactive in fixing it, or get out and do something different. Hedging your bets like this is just cowardice, plain and simple. You'll do well not to tolerate that kind of behavior... even from yourself.