Should I tell her I know?

[blind_otter]

My sister made a promise to my father, on his death bed, that she would take care of me.

 

I find this hysterically laughable because she can't even be moved to respond to my emails. She comes into town to visit with my other sister and mother and doesn't call me. Basically, I don't exist in her world.

 

So this is supposed to be some big secret. But I found out through my mother. I want to confront my sister and tell her that it was really bad form of her to lie to my Dad when he was dying and that I think her promise to my Dad was moronic at best.

 

Am I being a bitch? Should I just let it go and pretend that I don't know she's a big, fat, fake, phoney?

[johan]

What would be the result you'd like to see?

[blind_otter]

I'd like her to admit that she was just saying that to make my Dad feel better, but she really never had any intention of following through.

 

Just want her to admit that she lied, I guess. Is that petty?

[blind_otter]

Maybe if she admitted that she had no intention of really "taking care of me" (whatever that means) we can stop this farce of a relationship and be polite strangers instead of awkward family members.

[johan]

.. we can stop this farce of a relationship and be polite strangers instead of awkward family members.

 

On the one hand, it sounds like you already are basically strangers. On the other, you can't stop being awkward family members.

 

If I found out that someone in my family made a secret agreement with someone else to watch over me, I'd wonder if either of them had any respect at all for me. And if the person agreed to, and then actively got involved in my life, I would feel invaded.

 

So what's really bugging you? That your dad asked? That she agreed? That she didn't follow through? That you aren't close to her? That she seems to not care?

 

I don't think you really would hold her to this promise, just because she made it to your dad. Seems like this is more between you and her.

[lindya]

I'd like her to admit that she was just saying that to make my Dad feel better, but she really never had any intention of following through.

 

Just want her to admit that she lied, I guess. Is that petty?

 

I can totally understand the temptation, but you know how it is. The things that you wish you'd said 5 minutes after you've walked away from someone are very often the things that, 5 days later, you're heartily glad you didn't say.

[johan]

I can totally understand the temptation, but you know how it is. The things that you wish you'd said 5 minutes after you've walked away from someone are very often the things that, 5 days later, you're heartily glad you didn't say.

 

Yeah. It reminds me of emails I've written that I had the feeling I shouldn't send. Usually after sitting on them for a few hours, I end up deleting them.

 

Maybe you should write it all down, and then just keep it to yourself for a while.

[blind_otter]

That's a good idea. I suppose this thread works just as well as an email.

 

I suppose I am angry because I was excluded from celebrating Christmas with my family. My mother came over to my house and we went to mass together, but she told me to stay away from her house and all the children that were there.

 

I don't understand what's wrong with my family now. I understand that my father sort of kept us together, and I suppose I'm angry that we are unravelling and everyone keeps pretending that nothing is happening, and I get labeled as the crazy one because I actually SAY something about it.

 

But I felt like my sister was the mastermind behind the exclusion of otter from family christmas celebrations. She's usually the mastermind behind anything that takes action from the family, and the decided exclusion of me was definately NOT passive.

[reddog63]

My sister made a promise to my father, on his death bed, that she would take care of me.

 

I find this hysterically laughable because she can't even be moved to respond to my emails. She comes into town to visit with my other sister and mother and doesn't call me. Basically, I don't exist in her world.

 

So this is supposed to be some big secret. But I found out through my mother. I want to confront my sister and tell her that it was really bad form of her to lie to my Dad when he was dying and that I think her promise to my Dad was moronic at best.

 

Am I being a bitch? Should I just let it go and pretend that I don't know she's a big, fat, fake, phoney?

 

 

I would wager my money on the reason you really want to confront her.........when you put everything else aside............is that you are hurt that she ignores you. Now, you can confront her as you say which will just leave both people not only unsatisfied, but no real understanding of the situation.

 

I have thought about the subject of communication or I should say No Communication or even Miscomunication. It is the major downfall of most relationships, if not all, in my opinion.

 

Lets look at your situation. I would guess your sister in pissed at you for some reason. Maybe you forgot her birthday, etc. WHY do you not just call her to go to lunch someday. At some point ask her..........something non threatening.........."Did I do something to get you mad at me sometime?? Because I notice I do not hear from you much". You would have to do it in a sincere way so as not to argue or get defensive if she gives a reason.

 

YUP......just been on mind lately..........JUST $%^#%% COMMUNICATE PEOPLE!!

[hotgurl]

That's a good idea. I suppose this thread works just as well as an email.

 

I suppose I am angry because I was excluded from celebrating Christmas with my family. My mother came over to my house and we went to mass together, but she told me to stay away from her house and all the children that were there.

 

I don't understand what's wrong with my family now. I understand that my father sort of kept us together, and I suppose I'm angry that we are unravelling and everyone keeps pretending that nothing is happening, and I get labeled as the crazy one because I actually SAY something about it.

 

But I felt like my sister was the mastermind behind the exclusion of otter from family christmas celebrations. She's usually the mastermind behind anything that takes action from the family, and the decided exclusion of me was definately NOT passive.

 

That's horrible Otter! Did she give you a reason?

[sumdude]

There are some parallels in my family to your situation. We lost my mom in Februrary, at one point we were all gathered around her bed when she made us promise to take care of each other. All in all a weepy moment.

 

Thing is that it was really about my sister. She is 43, single and a generally miserable person who has screwed up her life and is an alcoholic. She also causes major scenes at every family event. Just this X-MAS eve we had enough and my bro kicked her out of the house. She never apologises for any of her actions and feels justified and oh so self rightous every time. Takes no responsibilty and all of her problems are someone else's fault.

 

Anyhow my mom knew that my brother & I really can't deal with my sister. Mom also felt guilty thinking it was her fault my sis is such a mess. So it was her way to get us to promise we would 'take care ' of our sister when she finally loses her jobs etc etc..

 

What are we to do? I made this promise, my wife wants to never see my sis again.

 

I rationalise it this way. My sister already broke her promise. Taking care of someone also means not hurting them in my mind. My sister has hurt me more than once since my mothers passing.

 

Thing is we all can make all sorts of promises in a very emotionally charged situation. Deathbed promises I think are just soooo hard not to make. They're dying, you're crying and you'll say almost anything...

 

Let it go, for your own sanity it's not worth it and... take this with a grain of salt, seems just a tiny bit petty. sorry

[blind_otter]

That's horrible Otter! Did she give you a reason?

 

No, no reason at all. She said the children had a pile of toys higher than the tree, and that my presents wouldn't be appreciated. I left it at that, and went to celebrate the holiday with my SO's family, but I felt pretty low that no one in my family even wanted to talk to me on Christmas.

[blind_otter]

Let it go, for your own sanity it's not worth it and... take this with a grain of salt, seems just a tiny bit petty. sorry

 

I dunno, dude. Being excluded from Christmas isn't that petty, IMO. I'm just saying.

[blind_otter]

It makes me angry that I have been going to AA for the past year, I cleaned up my life and I did it all by myself, and I can't get any respect from my family at all. I must have used it up already, but why the continued pretense of keeping in contact?

 

If they are so angry with me, I wish they would just stop contacting me altogether. My life would be a lot easier.

[CardPlay3r]

It makes me angry that I have been going to AA for the past year, I cleaned up my life and I did it all by myself, and I can't get any respect from my family at all. I must have used it up already, but why the continued pretense of keeping in contact?

 

If they are so angry with me, I wish they would just stop contacting me altogether. My life would be a lot easier.

 

 

.Or, you could stop answering their calls and stop contacting them yourself.

 

As for telling her...it won't probably achieve anything but maybe a bit of revenge for you...if you want that, go for it

[blind_otter]

Since they don't call me I suppose all I would have to do is stop calling them....

 

But I miss my nieces and nephews. I guess that is something I just have to get used to since they don't want me in their lives.

[Art_Critic]

It makes me angry that I have been going to AA for the past year, I cleaned up my life and I did it all by myself, and I can't get any respect from my family at all. I must have used it up already, but why the continued pretense of keeping in contact?

 

If they are so angry with me, I wish they would just stop contacting me altogether. My life would be a lot easier.

 

 

Try and remember that you sobered up for yourself not for your family.. They have there own issues with your addiction that they have to work through as well..

When I got sober my brother was having trouble understanding what I was going thru and went to Alanon meetings for a better understanding. ( I never asked him too )

 

I also for years dealt with an asswipe uncle that believe it was a willpower issue and I just had a weak personality..

He would try and tempt me with drinks at family gatherings.. he always offered me alcohol in front of my whole family so he could laugh at my weak personality in front of me..

 

I sat him down after years of this and had a heart to heart and also wrote him a letter.. he wound up going to a few AA meetings and then went to some Alanon meetings and later apologized to me for him acting like an asswipe. ( today he respects me for who I am and what I have accomplished )

 

It seems to me that you are feeling a bit like you are needing a pat on your back from your family instead of ignoring or words behind your back..

 

How about if I start and say that you being Sober for the last year is something you can be proud of and hold your head high..

 

I for one am very proud to know you and to watch you go thru your sobriety on LS day by day..

 

As far as your sister making a promise to your dad about taking care of you..

That is between the 2 of them.. She has to look in the mirror everyday..

 

Let it go.. be the bigger person..and show them thru example what type of person you have become..

[blind_otter]

Thanks for the kind words, Art. I guess I did sort of want a pat on the back for being so different this Christmas and actually making an effort to be part of things again. Because reading that made me feel oodles better, and now I let it make me feel better rather than continuing with the guilt and angst and using that as an excuse to go get obliterated.

[johan]

That's a good idea. I suppose this thread works just as well as an email.

 

Actually, I think writing the email would be better than this thread. It's more personal and it is where you can really let her have it. You can put the personal stuff in there as if you were facing her.

 

I suppose I am angry because I was excluded from celebrating Christmas with my family. My mother came over to my house and we went to mass together, but she told me to stay away from her house and all the children that were there.

 

Why would they exclude you? What did they think would happen? That seems so extreme.

 

But I felt like my sister was the mastermind behind the exclusion of otter from family christmas celebrations. She's usually the mastermind behind anything that takes action from the family, and the decided exclusion of me was definately NOT passive.

 

I don't understand what she was trying to achieve. I do understand how much that must be bothering you. But just because you feel that she was the one doesn't make it completely true. How you imagined it happened is just one likely scenario. The truth could be more or less upsetting than what you think happened.

 

I agree though. Something is broken in your family. Chances are your dad wouldn't have permitted this to happen.

[Art_Critic]

No, no reason at all. She said the children had a pile of toys higher than the tree, and that my presents wouldn't be appreciated. I left it at that, and went to celebrate the holiday with my SO's family, but I felt pretty low that no one in my family even wanted to talk to me on Christmas.

 

It sounds like it is time to pull away for a while.. Hoping the time will bring you both back together..

 

I have a sister that I haven't spoken with in 2 years and neither has any of my other sisters or brother..

We divided over the death of my Step Mother and to this day I'm waiting for the time we pull back together as a family..

 

I understand how it feels....

 

Hugsss

[Art_Critic]

Thanks for the kind words, Art. I guess I did sort of want a pat on the back for being so different this Christmas and actually making an effort to be part of things again. Because reading that made me feel oodles better, and now I let it make me feel better rather than continuing with the guilt and angst and using that as an excuse to go get obliterated.

 

 

Your Special......

[johan]

As far as your sister making a promise to your dad about taking care of you..

That is between the 2 of them.. She has to look in the mirror everyday..

 

Let it go.. be the bigger person..and show them thru example what type of person you have become..

 

Great post, Art.

 

While you should be proud, Otter. It's going to take others time to understand what you're really doing and to trust that it's the real thing. I would be way more willing to believe that they really do care for you. I think they'll soften up and be more giving when they come to terms with all that has happened.

[quankanne]

As far as your sister making a promise to your dad about taking care of you. That is between the 2 of them.. She has to look in the mirror everyday.

 

I'm with clown boy on this one, otter – because as much as it must frustrate you that your evil bxtch of a sister (in light of what you've shared about Christmas and family) is lying to herself and others, she's the one who has to live with the repercussions of not attempting to follow through on her promise to y'alls daddy. Just let that particular incident go, because you know how she is, and I'm sure she does, too

 

I think it's more upsetting to read that she pulled this shxt at Christmas, excluding you from a family celebration. If anything, THAT is what you ought to be addressing, if you so desire, because whether she wants to admit it or not, you guys especially need each other at those kind of events. Regardless of how disappointed or upset she is about how things were in the past, she needs to let that go so you two can heal your relationship to a point where at least this isn't hanging over your head.

 

I say tell her point blank how disappointed you are that she chose to keep you away from the family because that just makes it harder to heal as a family. That it is hard being seen as a major screw-up (or however she sees you) when you're actually a work in progress, because she's denying herself and everyone around her the opportunity to fix y'alls relationship ...

 

mostly, be honest, but gently so, so that the guilt makes her review her actions and attitudes.

 

family. Ya gotta love 'em. Even if they are screwed in the head most of the time!

[Guest]

sounds really positive - its a great feeling taking back the power eh!

 

kewl

[My Fair Katie]

B_O, I understand your anger at your sister, but being excluded from Christmas was not her doing.

 

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but Christmas was at your Mother's house correct? It was your mother that told you to stay away. Even if your sister asked it of your mom, your mother is a grown woman who has every right to say, "It's my house and I may invite whomever I want." She choose to cater to your sister.

 

I think you're an amazing woman, I haven't been here long, but from what I've read you are very strong and inspiring, it is entirely your family's loss that they don't see that.

 

I'm with the others, don't say anything, yes your sister agreed to look after you, and no, she didn't mean it, but not many would deny a dying man his last wishes.

 

Anyway, sorry your sister was a butt. And sorry your mom allowed/enabled the butthead-ery.